Hello;
My ex fiance was diagnosed adhd 2 years ago. At the time he also thought he had bipolar which goes back years. We broke up January 2025 due to his mental health and his house which is a disaster. We did not live together but had planned on getting married and he would "get his house in order" and after the wedding live at my house.
We have currently become friendly again and he wants to go for marital spiritual counseling but he is also throwing around the idea of living in separate households. This does not sit well with me. I feel like we are back at the same spot when we broke up. Why should he have the freedom to "not get his house in order" but continue to pursue a relationship with me and waste the time of spiritual mentors(and, needless to say, my time) ? I have gently, many times, suggested he go for private counselling to help him with his hoarding and his disaster of a house!! I just feel its grossly unfair that he continues to live in a home that still needs renovating after more than a decade and full of crap but im left flailing in the wind clinging to the hope that we could actually have a life together. Im at a total loss here.
Comments
Avoid disappointment?
Sorry about this. Might this be one of those times when our senses tell us a relationship will be full of disappointment, but our longing for love pulls us towards it anyway?
Having lived 20 years and having 3 children with a severe ADD partner whom I eventually had to divorce, I’d suggest looking carefully at the abilities your ex fiancé shows at this point.
Chances are abilities will not improve with time. On the contrary, they might slide even more. If you marry, your partner might also become less motivated to address their issues, but rather become complacent, conveniently letting you deal with anything they are unable, or unwilling to handle.
Being somewhat a victim of my own strong loving tendencies, I’d advise against getting involved with someone who constantly disappoints. It hasn’t really been worth it.
He is suggesting i accompany
He is suggesting i accompany him to his new church which i feel strongly is even more pressure on the relationship because we will be accountable to a whole new group of people. Maybe im just too weak, too insecure and too fearful of a woman. I understand that wives need to respect their husbands but I need to feel some semblance of security in this relationship. Attending a new church and having the love and spiritual support is a good thing but its not going to change the fact that he still has to get his house in order. Am I asking too much to want some small bit of security? I know nothing is guaranteed in life but maybe im asking too much? Am I? Are my expectations unreasonable? Should I have more faith in the Lord and in my fiance? I feel like s failure!!!
He is suggesting i accompany
He is suggesting i accompany him to his new church which i feel strongly is even more pressure on the relationship because we will be accountable to a whole new group of people. Maybe im just too weak, too insecure and too fearful of a woman. I understand that wives need to respect their husbands but I need to feel some semblance of security in this relationship. Attending a new church and having the love and spiritual support is a good thing but its not going to change the fact that he still has to get his house in order. Am I asking too much to want some small bit of security? I know nothing is guaranteed in life but maybe im asking too much? Am I? Are my expectations unreasonable? Should I have more faith in the Lord and in my fiance? I feel like s failure!!!
A failure?
"Am I asking too much to want some small bit of security? I know nothing is guaranteed in life but maybe im asking too much? Am I? Are my expectations unreasonable? Should I have more faith in the Lord and in my fiance? I feel like s failure!!!"
You feel like a failure? In what way? I think if you really feel this way, and if you are asking if it is too much to want a small bit of security, to be honest you have some core issues that you should address in yourself first before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone. You are suffering from a level of self esteem so low that you are likely to be preyed upon by anyone. I don't mean to be harsh, but to hear a woman asking these kind of questions and then calling herself a failure is honestly painful. What happened in your childhood that led you to believe you deserve so little? Women are so often belittled and controlled by religion, did you grow up in a very religious household? I worry that this man is trying to bring you into "his" church while also not giving you the basic respect you need and are asking for in the relationship.
BurnedOutLady
Self esteem
Hello BurnedOutLady;
You hit the nail on the head when you brought forward self esteem. My father was a "born again Christian " but beat my mom and paid very very little attention to his kids. We lived on a very isolated farm, my dad worked in the city and came home on weekends and expected all the chores to be done do he could entertain his friends and smoke pot. My self esteem is pretty much non existent and when I try to form some semblance of communication, even that is not addressed. My fiance would constantly comment on actresses and how stunning they were but not once tell me I was stunning. I was only a beautiful, content woman. My father was a total hypocrite and im still shocked to this day that I managed to keep the faith despite his brutality!! We were never good enough! He wanted this perfect "Christian " family!! I think my ex fiance also wants some level of womanly perfect and sex(he has looked at porn for years) that he will never find or reach or sustain or whatever he is looking for. You are right! I have a crushed spirit from my childhood! I was supposed to be some kinda of irrational/delusional expectation that I just coukd never live up to. I just dont know how yo overcome this short of spending thousands of dollars in therapy that I simply cannot afford, sadly.
You can do it
Scoobydo, you do YOU. You need a good long time with no man at all, to find yourself and support yourself. I know a lot about all the types of dysfunctional, abusive, hypocritical and controlling people and situations you have mentioned here. Yes, you need therapy, but you can start by learning to value and love yourself every single day. And realize when you are gravitating toward what is comfortable for you, even if it is abusive, because you know it. It's familiar. What is not familiar to you is putting yourself first. You have no idea how to do this. THIS is your work, and it is an adventure! And when you learn to do it, you will no longer be a victim, no longer put that energy out there, and you won't attract predators. I know, sounds simplistic, but I do think a lot of men and also some women can just sense when someone is weak. I was afraid I would hurt your feelings with my comment so I'm really happy you are open to hearing it. I was frankly shocked to hear you question and demean yourself to that degree. Get to learn about yourself, love yourself, and stay away from the churches that allow men to beat their wives and dominate them. That is NOT what Jesus preached!
BurnedOutLady
Failure
He is suggesting i accompany him to his new church which i feel strongly is even more pressure on the relationship because we will be accountable to a whole new group of people. Maybe im just too weak, too insecure and too fearful of a woman. I understand that wives need to respect their husbands but I need to feel some semblance of security in this relationship. Attending a new church and having the love and spiritual support is a good thing but its not going to change the fact that he still has to get his house in order. Am I asking too much to want some small bit of security? I know nothing is guaranteed in life but maybe im asking too much? Am I? Are my expectations unreasonable? Should I have more faith in the Lord and in my fiance? I feel like s failure!!!
You should feel safe
No, you’re not wrong to question this relationship. Safety is a basic need and the prerequisite for a functional relationship. If you feel insecure, that’s exactly what should make you leave.
Your emotions are right, they are trying to protect you.
No church will make an unsafe man a safe man to marry. He probably hopes to divert your attention from dysfunctional parts of his life, but once in the relationship, you won’t ever be able to ignore them.
You’re not a failure. Neither are you weak. You just need a man who will make you feel safe and that loving him is easy.
Your head is telling you all the right things
He wants the benefits of a relationship with you without getting his life in order. Your expectations are not unreasonable. You are just seeking a basic level of accountability and normalcy and shouldn't have to jump through spiritual hoops or live separately for this to work. He is wishing to "solve" this problem without actually solving this problem by addressing his OWN issues that are at the root of the problem!! It doesn't seem like much has changed since you broke up and I know I don't know the details of your situation but it feels like it would be fairer for you to be able to move on and find someone who can be a real partner to you. It will be a lifelong struggle for you with this person and relationships shouldn't cause this much stress.