I've been married to my spouse with likely ADHD for about 5 years. We have a son together and another child on the way. Prior to getting pregnant (maybe the past 3-6 months especially), my spouse and I were in a much better place that we had ever been. He was carrying his weight with our child, we were both working full time, we were communicating well, and we were generally getting along well.
Since getting pregnant, I have became increasingly more frustrated with my spouse. There were two specific issues that really triggered me. One, his current company is shutting down. He has known this since the start of the summer. This summer, he has been smoking marijuana most nights, staying up late, and sleeping in until 12 most days (after taking our son to school on his assigned days). While I have been observing this, I told myself that he has his own process and it might be different than mine but I need to trust him to do what he says he will do (like he has asked me to do so many times). Fast forward to last week, he tells me that if he can't get a job in the next few weeks, he will likely have a period of unemployment. This is incredibly stressful for me, as he carries our benefits, I'm pregnant, and I have been working overtime while very nauseous and fatigued in my first trimester to set us up for future success. I have also had an increasing sense of resentment every time I walk past him sleeping on the couch until 12 when I start my workday at 8:30am and need to work until 4pm daily and feel like absolute shit. It feels unfair that he gets to rest and relax while I grow a baby.
I brought this up to him kindly a few nights ago. I shared that I felt frustrated about the likely period of unemployment and asked about his plan for marijuana use during pregnancy. He got really angry and asked me if I thought I would be able to get over my anger about the job thing or whether "I would just continue be angry and negative and hold onto it." I then asked about his plan for marijuana use during pregnancy/postpartum, as I will need him a bit more during this time. He has told me in the past that I should consider that he has a plan for his use and ask about it rather than making assumptions, so I tried to do that. He angrily told me that "he has personal goals" but gave no information about how much he is smoking now or what I can expect from him (I strongly suspect he is smoking daily).
We also had a weekend trip and he let me pack the car, care for our child, clean the place we stayed, and then woke up angry at 11:30am about how much we needed to pack in the car (our goal was to leave by 12). This pattern of not contributing and then getting angry about it not being done to his standards/exploding at me was a common one during my last pregnancy/early postpartum period and I had a clear thought of "I cannot do this again" when it came up.
I am strongly considering issuing an ultimatum requesting that he stop smoking during pregnancy/postpartum or move out. I have no family nearby and I am not quite certain how I will manage that, but dealing with what I dealt with last pregnancy feels untenable and I honestly think I could do it better on my own than to have pseudo-support that also brings inconsistency, anger, and constant questioning of myself and my reality/needs.
He acknowledges he likely has ADHD but will not get tested or consider meds. He does not acknowledge substance use is a problem. We have tried couples therapy in the past - once with limited success (things got better, our therapist recommended that I attend Al-Anon), and most recently with a therapist who I felt like "didn't get it" which let me crying for a full session in an embarrassing way.
As objective observers, what do you think? Am I expecting too much? Is there a road to this getting better?
Comments
Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
Any opinions are appreciated
My opinion...
When we chose to live self centered lives, and excuse the ramification's those behaviors have on the people we should consider above ourselves, (our spouses and children) that tells it's own story! It's obvious you see it based on this very detailed picture you have painted us...Since he is an unsafe person who isn't concerned about your well being above his own laziness & addiction, I say you should live like he doesn't exist (as for as expectations)...Because at the end of the day, we have to be responsible no matter what our spouse does, whether you stay are go just attend to your life responsibilities and don't place trust where it's a proven fact you cannot...You don't need the stress of unfulfilled expectations...
this is very familiar
the patterns - doing something to hurt you and then telling you you have to get over it. The leaving you even in pregnancy to do the literal and figurative heavy lifting. The prickliness. You could be describing my ex, except that he drank rather than smoked. And hyperfocussed on work. And wasted hours on social media while i struggled on with difficult pregnancies and small children.
The only thing that ever worked at all with my ex was going nuclear. No amount of gentle requests worked - he thought it wasn’t important and / or he took offense. He considered any strategies for improvement to be me setting traps for him to fall into. All that was doomed to fail. But I told him I wanted a divorce and THEN he gave a damn.
I’m not suggesting you use the D word unless you really mean it (that would be wrong) but that you lay out how things are for you and the trajectory you are on emotionally and hammer it in that you see where it is going and does he want to end up there? Cos chances are he won’t want that (he’s dependent on you, using you as his outbrain; he won’t want to lose that) and is oblivious to how you’re feeling.
I’m sorry; it’s a horrible predicament. Good luck.
Thats the Pattern
But she said they were communicating well before, he was pulling his weight and they had one child ??
I guess that it. These patterns don't alway show themselves until a predictable set of circumstances arise.
sorry; by ‘pattern’ I was
sorry; by ‘pattern’ I was meaning that his current mode of behaviour which mapped onto my exe’s very closely, not his behaviour over the years.
He doesn’t get it
I’m sorry. This sounds very difficult.
By what you write I get the impression your husband doesn’t have any idea what his actions mean in your perspective. Even if he doesn’t mean to hurt you, this is no way to treat a wife and mother of one’s children.
People who don’t see their impact are in my experience just as bad for you as those who will harm other people intentionally.
The therapist didn’t see it either. It seems often there is very little outside support for people like us. But no, you’re not asking too much, you are not unreasonable, and you most definitely don’t deserve this.
Please take care.
You're not expecting too much
All the things he's doing... sleeping in 'til noon, not taking the job search seriously, leaving most of the childcare burden to you, smoking the day away... and then getting angry at you for trying to have a conversation about it?? Try to imagine a world where you do all those things to him. You wouldn't and he likely wouldn't carry the load he's left to you. This point I'm trying to make is that you're not expecting too much. You're simply expecting that the man who married you and had children with you is an accountable partner.
I don't think the ultimatum is unreasonable at all -- and based on what you've described, a hard boundary may be the only way to get action (whether it's an improvement or a split). He's not responding to calm conversation and refuses to address his ADHD, so he's not leaving you with a lot of options. Job security, substance abuse and inequal household roles affect everyone so it's unreasonable for him to expect you to sit silently, blindly accepting whatever action (or inaction) he takes. Honestly gave you great advice in a post above.
You asked if there's a road to this getting better and I think for some there is. But change has to come from the partner with ADHD/substance abuse and the non-ADHD partner can't maintain a healthy relationship if they're the only one trying.
Thank you!
Hi All,
I SO appreciate these helpful and validating responses. Sorry for the delay in circling back.
I did issue an ultimatum regarding substance use (i.e., stop during pregnancy and early postpartum) and he chose to stop using versus moving out and has done so in the past 3 weeks. He also feels a lot of regret about 'dragging his feet' regarding getting a new job and has been very motivated with applications/interviews/etc. recently.
I am in my own ongoing individual therapy with a psychologist who *gets it*. I also signed us up for couples therapy again and have been talking to friends about the situation.
Overall, I'm feeling more comfortable with his decisions and also better about my ability to take appropriate steps even if his behavior becomes problematic again.
Thanks for being here for me (virtually)!