I have been with my partner for 13 months now, in our day to day lives out relationship is great but when we have an argument it spirals out of control,
When we argue im accused of not loving her that I'm cheating or that I'm seeing someone else
This isn't the case and has never been the case,
I try my best to reassure her there is no one else but she doesn't believe me and states that I don't love her and never have, that I'm using her to pass the time,
I do all that I can to prove it, I spend as much time as I can with her when I'm not working, I constantly txt through the day when I am working as well, I buy her flowers or little presents just so she knows I have been thinking of her, I even write notes and leave them for her when I have to leave cause I have to go back home as that's where I work, we live opposite ends of the country but I commute back and forward twice a week sometimes more so that we can spend time together,
When we argue I try to defuse the situation by reassuring her but then also saying I think we should take a break and come back to this when emotions are not so high but that doesn't help, I try to remove myself from the situation as well as things can get very heated and I don't want things to be said in anger that are hurtful to one another, sometimes it gets to the point that so much is going on and said that I have had to leave and go home cause the argument is just not ending, I know that doesn't help her as that then makes her feel abandoned but I also don't like being in a situation that is going nowhere as it's just a circle of repeated accusations and there is no resolve when things are in that state,
I do notice as well that when she has said some hurtful things when we argue I have repeated them back to her she denies all knowledge that she said that, does this happen with ADHD people that if they get to a point they can not regulate what they say or even remember they said it ?
I also find that when drinking is involved it can be worse the argument can go from 0-100 in a matter of minutes,
Like I said previous our day to day life and relationship is great but when this happens it really knocks me with the things that she says and just makes me feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough for her .
Comments
Long distance
Apart from ADHD component of this, it sounds like your partner has a very real problem with you being away for work. This I believe is common. Spending most of the time hours away, especially in the beginning of a relationship, is certainly not for everybody. Presence is calming like nothing else.
I suggest you ask her if your long commute is working for her.
And you could also ask yourself if her reactions are working for you. Saying hurtful things and then forgetting all about them seems universally ADHD and is unlikely to change.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to calm down a volatile ADHD relative who felt we lived too far away. It was exhausting and didn’t work.
Long distance
Yes I can understand where you are coming from with the distance thing it's not ideal but I actually spend more time with her than away from her, luckily I'm self employed and I can pick my own hours so I can move things around, but I still have to go home for work,
My main issue I have is how volatile it gets when we argue, the worst part is I don't drink and when we argue I remember every hurtful thing that is said where as she remembers nothing,
So I am left to try and explain what happened and what was said having to relive the whole thing again which isn't nice,
I don't want to be that person that has to leave and take myself out of the situation but at times I feel like I have no choice as nothing is getting resolved.
Meeting half way
So sorry about this.
As Melody says below, it sounds like you have to work incredibly hard for this love. It shouldn’t be that hard.
I’ve spent many years with a partner who became increasingly ill with ADHD-related anxiety, depression and burnout. The increasingly unmanageable way he fought and the terrible things he said when upset made me have to leave him. I can relate well to your experience of doing absolutely all you can for her to feel safe, only to have it thrown back in your face.
Sorry if the long distance thought came off like criticism. I merely meant it’s an obstacle that probably creates insecurity in her, and it has nothing to do with your honesty, commitment or effort. It’s just a geographical problem.
Her behavior isn’t productive, nor is it fair. And whatever her reasons for feeling insecure, she also has to create safety for you to make this a good relationship. Since she doesn’t, and nothing resolves, I in your place definitely wouldn’t move to live with her permanently.
A lot of work
Hey Rupert. From an outsider's perspective, it really sounds like being with her is a lot of work. The constant texting throughout the workday and commuting is already a lot and then there's these arguments on top of that. I really think she needs to understand that trust is important to you and that the distrust is her issue not yours and she needs to stop making it yours.
I don't know if you're ready to draw a hard line yet, but it would help her to know that you are not going to entertain these accusations and resulting arguments anymore. I wonder if it might help to walk away even earlier than you already do - like the second she starts accusing you of cheating, reiterate that you told her you won't accept that any longer and leave. Go all the way home to the other side of the country. And then it's up to her to not just apologize, but to actually stop doing it. If she needs therapy to deal with trust issues, this is on her... you can't manage these issues for her. You're just as far away from her as she is from you and you trust HER, right? I don't think that is an ADHD thing but it IS a her-problem-that-SHE'S-responsible-for thing nonetheless.
But the lashing out and impulsively saying hurtful things is an ADHD thing. I took to writing them down over a period of time and reading them back to my partner once. He was pretty horrified and it was somewhat effective actually, but he also knew and believed he said those things and didn't forget or deny like your partner is. If your partner has a filter around others, but not you, that should give you pause... because that means she CAN control it and is aware of what she's saying. Meds and ADHD therapy could help her learn to build in a pause to think before she speaks. But again... you can't manage these things for her. If she is treating her ADHD, it might help for her to have a conversation with her doctor or therapist.