I’ve been married almost 19 years. I almost divorced my husband 2 years into our marriage primarily because of his rage episodes. So much damage was done those first 2 years. Then disaster happened—his sister died a very sudden tragic death. I got sucked back in during that crisis and he swore he would change. He saw a psychologist and went on medication and for a while was doing much better. We also went to marriage counseling. He is currently on antidepressants and sees a psychologist, but I believe he lies to her.
Through the years, I strongly suspected ADHD and bought a few books on the subject. He didn’t want to hear it. Would not get tested. We have struggled on and off for almost two decades. There have been good times, wonderful times, and there have been bad times. . . not as bad as before.
About 4 years ago I again considered filing for divorce but did not only due to finances. We had just made a major out of state move and the stress of it all led my husband to completely freaking out. He had insisted on taking care of the moving company himself (I should have known better) and it was a disaster because he got the names of companies mixed up and hired a horrible company that basically extorted money from us. It was horrible but I stayed quiet. . . because he is so sensitive about his screw ups (sigh). He turned a stressful time into a pure nightmare. I didn’t know if I was able to forgive him.
Since that time, I have developed a life of my own. I work. He retired early and has no interests. He sits at home watching TV every day. I am active in our community. He isn’t interested in people. He bought a family gym membership. I work out 3 times a week. He never goes. I do all the cooking. I work hard to eat healthy. He eats fried foods, junk and pastries. He has health problems. I do not (knock on wood). He ”reorganizes” things in the house, creating constant trip hazards and chaos. I’m scared he’s going to burn the place down because she’s so forgetful. I come home to the heat on and windows open. Sometimes I just want to scream.
My husband has become a hermit who has withdrawn from life. Why I didn’t see this as our future long ago is beyond me. If I die before him, he will never be able to handle my accounts (I have kept them separate from his; he’s had a bankruptcy and is a shopaholic). . . it will be a disaster.
It’s like all the air went out of everything and I stay above water because of my work, my friends, my activities, and my interests. But I waited too long to make that one change in my life and I feel it’s too late now.
Thanks for listening.
Comments
Need not be too late?
You obviously have your life together, despite your husband’s apathy. I think you probably will continue in a healthy, social way whether or not you stay with him.
My ADHD ex was more or less bedridden with depression and medication side effects the last couple of years of our decades together. Then, when I left him, he magically became able to work, and have the children alternate weeks, from not having been able to feed them over weekends when I worked.
What I learned was, he fed off my energy, as somebody here so elegantly put it the other day. He adjusted his contributions down since he saw me overwork.
Having witnessed this, I’d ask you to consider what you could achieve for yourself if you didn’t have him weighing you down?
Even if one loves the person deeply, like I’ve done too, and has invested one’s whole adult life in them, it doesn’t mean feeding their dysfunction is the best possible future.
I don’t think it’s ever too late to reconsider one’s choices.
I wish you well.
thank you
Thanks for your kind words and for giving me some things to think about.
A breaking point was the other night after work. I knew there was nothing to eat for dinner, so I drove the opposite way of home when I left work in order to pick up a rotisserie chicken and some vegetables. I had asked my husband if he could cut up some broccoli for roasting. When I got home, the broccoli is still in the refrigerator. He comes in the kitchen and tears into the chicken like a starving caveman--literally leaning his head back and dropping pieces of chicken in his mouth--then fixes himself a plate, grabs a container of potato salad and goes back to his TV show. Something in my soul just cracked over that seemingly small incident.
He asked me later what was the matter. My response was a really honest one. I said, "I am exhausted."
Compatability?
Your story could be mine to a large degree. During our fights I often resort to the saying that I feel like my husband is a passenger and I'm the driver for 99% of our life. He doesn't seem to like thinking of himself as a passenger, but he also doesn't seem to be to phased, and often makes out that me being the "driver" is because I am simply a control freak. And because he is at least a very pleasant passenger, I don't think he understands why it makes me so angry and exhausted.
Which makes me wonder, that aside from ADHD, maybe we aren't that compatible. Perhaps he is just a passive person even without ADHD, or perhaps it is because of the disorder. I can't tell. But it's always been there, I can remember it as clear as crystal. I just thought in the beginning that it was due to what he was going through when I met him that he was reticent, hesitant and needed prompting. He had spent the previous 10 years abroad playing professional sport, and so it NEVER occurred to me that he wasn't driven or disciplined or dynamic. Now I know, that was his hyperfocus zone...
And so i've become the engine for everything, just like you - I have also constructed my life (in a foreign country) to be full and fulfilling. I literally can have back-to-back plans on weekends if I want, and indeed that's the only time things happen. Otherwise, we wait and see, and watch another round of Netflix which is a soul-killer for me.
I must say, your response to the chicken eating incident was extremely gracious. I would've been far more colourful in my reaction!
The engine for everything . . .
. . . yes, and it is so very tiring!
I did have to laugh at your last line about the chicken.
Early on, my husband had a great job with a lot of responsibility, he loved to go out dancing, we went on regular weekend get-aways, we spent a lot of time together outdoors, going to art markets. It was those really good times that kept me in when he practically destroyed our marriage with his rage episodes.
Early retirement was one of the worst things he could have done. And he did it without discussing it with me. Just as he buys cars. . . why our bank accounts are separate.
2 independent, it is strange
2 independent, it is strange how in the beginning it all seems fine, but for me as soon as there was a level of comfort and familiarity, probabl in year 2, the dysfunction really started showing up.
Unfortunately, my H has never had a very good income, he is one of the "I have only one life and so I must live it doing my passion" people. Which is so beautiful, but very hard to get right. He always points to the one in a million people who get it right and says see - it does work. Again, no understanding of the statistical likelihood of it happening vs. Not happening.
I come from "hand to mouth survival" family, with a good dash of "money is evil" and the "system is against us" background, my parents never considered tertiary education for me, so I've also always made do and made connections to get through. I thought marrying someone who on the outside seemed like he had the potential to be a good provider was a good move. But I knew nothing about ADHD, let alone inattentive type.
Unlike your situation, I don't have to deal with rage. The aggression is more passive and sulky, which is triggering to say the least, but at least I am not fearful and the kids don't see much volatility. For that, I am grateful.
One life to live attitude (irresponsibility)
This is my DH's thinking, too. It makes him crazy that I have saved. He's right: I could die without spending my savings. But I also want to be able to pay bills when I retire. I feel like I will be working forever (at least I like it). I also fear him going before me, because I will have a mess of debts and God knows what else to take care of from his accounts (he buys expensive cars--plural--every couple of years, one which we never drive). There's got to be a balance between "one life to live" and being responsible.
*The rage episodes, which were intolerable, have ended. He's on antidepressants, which I believe have helped. I also think he knew that, no matter what, I would leave if they continued. He still has moments where I see a hint of one coming on, but the worst he'll do in the worst circumstances is slam a plastic glass down on a table rather than throw his $1000 phone on the floor, breaking it, or getting in my face.
Maybe not too late?
I left my ADHD husband after 20 years together around 5 years ago now. It was incredibly hard and still is hard in some ways - saving enough for retirement as a single after a split is a bit daunting, for instance. However, there's so much about my life now that's easier and I know I made the right decision for my health and happiness. I can't adequately express how much calmer I am. I used to live in a state of constant anxiety, hypervigilance and adulting for two. The difference in my wellbeing is astounding. It's not easy, logistically or emotionally even when you don't really feel "in love" anymore, but I don't know if it's ever too late.
Timing
Thank you for your support 1Melody1, I suppose its never too late, but as our current life is it would be more harmful to get out now than not. Our situation is extremely difficult as we live in a foreign country, have no real support (I have wonderful friends but we don't have family or resources to fall back on), and earning what we do hardly keeps us afloat in one household never mind 2.
In the back of my mind I've always thought that once the kids are on their feet, and the financial needs are not so great, then yes, I may be able to move on and live a tiny, simple, but well-managed life. But, I am fully aware that he wouldn't cope on his own in the country we live in, so it would mean going back "home" and this isn' easy due to the reason we left originally (political, crime, economy). Its a really tangled mess...
I'm happy to hear that despite the worries about retirement, you've been able to find a happy, peaceful life after the dysfunction.
It gives me hope that there might be a different path for me in the future.
Totally understand
It's great that you've been able to develop a fairly vibrant life outside of the marriage. I did cope that way for a time as I think a lot of others in our situation do. We have to carefully weigh our individual circumstances and I sure do hope you are able to find some happiness now and in the future. ❤️
Can you share
Melody I'm intrigued as to how that first year of separation was for you? Did you have to leave? Did you kick him out? How did the separation happen? I'm in a really weird spot at the moment, we are about to embark on couselling but im not sure it's gonna help because I take what the behaviour is and not what is said. And couselling might be just another vehicle for more talking and no action or change.
First year of separation
Wishing you all the best with the counselling, Off the roller. I totally understand going by actions and not words. It's the only way. I hope you have a counsellor who gets it.
When I told him it was over, he stayed in denial for a long time. I think he thought if he ignored it, it would go away. He definitely needed time to accept that this was really it (even though I'd clearly communicated my feelings all along). I understood that I needed to give him time, space and empathy for this and I did. Since we had a young teen at the time who would benefit from consistency, he agreed to be the one to leave, but then just... didn't... for quite some time. Months. I kept asking. He kept saying he would. He didn't. As usual if I wanted something to change, I had to do it, like it or not. So I went apartment shopping with a realtor and found one. I came home and told him I had chosen an apartment since he wouldn't leave. It took this for him to accept it was real and there was no more denying it and ultimately I didn't have to take the apartment - he left and moved in with his parents while I stayed in the house with our daughter and prepared to sell it.
Ultimately it was very hard. ADHD was hard on the house and I had an unbelievable amount of physical work to do when I was at my lowest emotionally, working and raising our daughter alone. He would not come and get things out of the home to make it sell-able. He did not help with the work. Basically if I wanted to end it, I had to do everything, just like in the relationship. I will say that when we were together it was almost impossible to get him to do anything, so once we were separated there was no hope at all. At the same time, financially it was a fair 50/50 and he didn't try to play any games that way. Obviously I had to be the one to push the paperwork along, but the outcome was fair.
^^This was all about the first 6+ months of separation. The next 6 were me moving into a house I'd purchased. I was so exhausted. I was depressed. I was still grappling with my life not turning out like I thought. But as time went on, I slowly felt better. Life was so much EASIER once I was finally on my own. Our daughter was happier. He started moving on and he was happier too. I started finding myself again. I can't believe the difference between who I am today and the woman I was 5 years ago. I was an absolute shell who barely saw the point of going on besides being there for my daughter. And now I'm excelling at work in new ways. I'm laughing. Travelling. I've made new friends. I'm doing little home improvements because I want to and have the energy.
I will say that I thought it would be easier emotionally. In my mind it had been over for years and I'd grieved it pretty hard already. But there was another round of that when making it final.
It's never too late
Please belive me that it's never too late for anything that you need to change. I'm not trying to be clichéd either, just want you to know that maybe the changes you are hoping to happen might happen in a different way or in an unconventional way that you didn't realise.... but its never to late. Keep doing things for yourself that bring you joy and are in line with your own values. X x
Thanks
I like the idea of "in a different way" or "in an unconventional way." And that is a possibility. My primary (only?) concern is finances. I'm at a point in life where I have been able to cut back my work hours and enjoy long-held-off projects and passions. I worked hard for this time and it's so very important to me. I unexpectedly carried the heavier financial burden for half our marriage. Just as we got married, he got fired, and he never held a decent-paying job again. Because he was distraught over his pay, he retired early without telling me he was planning on doing so. Luckily (?), an old military injury led to a big monetary pay-out for him several years later and he was able to starting making it up to me financially. He hangs onto that for dear life, to remind me that he's paying me back. It's turn-around time now (a joint decision), so he's carrying about 60 - 65 percent of our bills. I figured this was the least I deserved at this point.