I have not posted or commented for a year now, and so I apologize for the very long post.
After reaching an all time low in December 2024, and giving my husband an ultimatum, to get treatment otherwise I would need to leave to save my sanity, health etc., 2025 went relatively well. The meds didn't solve our problems, but the effects definitely helped him to be more present, more attentive, more regulated, and this led to him picking up some chores and habits which DID help bring me back from the edge of burnout, and also start chipping away at 20 years of resentment.
In December, I did my usual financial housekeeping to see what 2026 would look like, I say MY because it's never been a shared task (he wouldn't even consider it), and I realized that husband's life insurance policy was coming to it's contractual end, so I asked him to make contact with the broker and see what next steps were. We have zero financial resources to fall back on (due to external reasons out of our control - we lost our business due to the pandemic but also the standard ADHD tax, and also living in a foreign country where it's hard for us to make money), so him dying would be catastrophic in more ways than one. Turns out that taking Ritalin pretty much excludes him from getting life insurance, so he decided to stop the meds, and try reapply while not on them in the hopes of getting new insurance - even though it probably won't change anything.
Well, it's been 3 weeks, and at first I thought I was imagining things, but nope, the symptoms that I found impossible to live with, are back. To top it, he is making hardly any money, and we're in a very bad financial predicament (still or again, who knows). My stress levels and anxiety are through the roof, as he basically terrifies me. He is a sweet, kind, loyal soul, but is prone to magical thinking, money and time blindness, dopamine addicted starts but no finishes - you know the deal.
Last night, we had a terrible fight, because the tension between us was unbearable. I am physically not attracted to him at all (despite him being an objectively attractive man), because we have had parent-child dynamics for most of the marriage. He also has sexual dysfunction, which makes it impossible to have any kind of stress free intimacy but he cannot understand why this plus the financial stress and burdens of our life (he and our teenager have ADHD and mostly it's me trying to keep things together) have made me disconnect from him, he says it's a choice I can make to overcome this whereas I am basically in survival mode day in and out.
I was completely honest last night, but I know I must've hurt him terribly with things I said. He then used words like narcissist, victim etc. to describe me, because I said I absolutely cannot drop my expectations any lower, that my needs have gone unmet our whole marriage (his have too, because I withdrew emotionally a long time ago), and that this is not personal it's just reality - money is needed to live a normal life never mind saving for the future.
I see no option than to silently try insulate myself from his financial stuff (refuses to try get a job and always does his own business, which does bring in money but not enough and not consistently). I also cannot see this ever changing, and having turned 50, I'm realizing that I cannot let myself drown with him. I don't deserve to go down, and my kids need me to stay afloat.
I feel absolutely hopeless and gutted, it's like groundhog day. He is generous and wouldn't WANT to harm us financially, but he just can't seem to deeply understand the ongoing and long-term effects of his behaviour. He always says he is trying his best. I've come to realize that his best is a really low bar, maybe okay for a single guy, but not for a family. And when I press him on it, he often says that it's the system that is wrong and maybe neurodiverse people aren't the problem at all. I even agree to a point, but, reality bites, every, single, time.
I know you can't give me answers, but I have no one to talk to, since I don't want our friends and family to see him in a bad light. I'm completely heartbroken, this disability can truly wreck lives.
Comments
Money
Does it seem sometimes ADHDers handle finances terribly? I ended up concluding my ex had never understood our financial situation, nor acted appropriately to balance things over time.
He was just lost, like a three-year old, in the face of numbers and categories. He could never prioritize, choose or decide. It was like a cluelessness not only about resources, but also time, work and fairness.
His only navigation system seemed to be my emotions. If I was unhappy about something, then he tried to do something about it, otherwise he remained passive. Sometimes I felt he wouldn’t react if the house burned, unless I was upset about it.
If you can, I’d recommend you organize your funds separately from his.
Cluelessness
Swedish Coast - absolutely. I have the same feeling, I genuinely think that along with time blindness there is a general blindness for money, numbers, processes, cause and effect, even own preferences. Like you, it's my emotions that seem to navigate his decisions. I always say why does he wait until things fall off a cliff before trying to save them.
I'm quite blown away sometimes by the lack of basic understanding of common sense contractual things, calculations, estimations for things. He underestimates time, money, distance, effort, cause and effect. Maybe it's magicall thinking?
And so by contrast, I do seem over-controlling, over-anxious, pessimistic perhaps. I generally plan to have buffers for everything, contingency planning if you will. Perhaps this is also an after effect of growing up with an ADHD parent and sibling, and now having an ADHD partner and child. I'm literally in risk mitigation and disaster control mode which is so so sad.
I would LOVE to be able to hand over the reins and let someone else play this part, just from time to time. Now there's a fantasy!
Control anxiety
Can relate to this. I was never a controlling or even organized person before. On the contrary, I was always late, spontaneous, because I knew I could save things at the last minute when needed.
Now, stressed to pieces by my my marriage, I cautiously plan and think everything through. Spending life in survival mode does this to a person. I feel essentially disfigured. Don’t know if I’ll ever regain confidence.
Oh, and another thing - spatial sense. My ADD ex had zero of this. He couldn’t find his way around the neighborhood.
Imagine being like that, and having gotten used to depending on another person for every basic skill. And then managing to not see this, or how it wears the other person down. I think delusion is necessary for people like these husbands to keep some self-respect. In the end, mine would do anything, twist reality around in order to avoid shame.
Lost
Yes to all you've said Swedish Coast. All of our experiences are so similar. Sometimes I feel like ADHD'ers are a different species with completely different characteristics, like Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens - look somewhat similar, but are essentially different right down to the genetic makeup. I don't mean this in a perjorative way, and if it was flipped - they were the majority of society and we were the minority, they'd be at their wit's end with us?
And yes to spatial awareness. Its crazy. I've seen my husband get disorientated in our own town. He can't tell which way we're driving - north or south, can't tell which direction another city or country is in from where he stands. Wouldn't know if the navigation system in the car was taking us in the wrong direction - he once chose a destination on the system that sounded like were we were going and only after a while did I realise, wait this can't possibly be right, and then an argument as his defenses kicked in to protect the shame.
And that's the problem, so much shame. So much tiptoeing around it. So much choosing what to let slide so as not to trigger it. Constantly revising expectations downward to accommodate this disorder.
And I'm so sad for him too, it cannot be a good feeling to constantly disappoint the partner, its such a self-fulfilling prophecy, such a vicious circle.
I can relate.
I can relate.
My husband pretends to clean, then brags about how he cleaned. He pretends to organize, but just moves things around--some things never to be found again. He's never worked on our taxes. He is at a point that he does the bare minimum in life. If we go anywhere, even out to eat, we don't go unless I make all the plans.
How did we get here?
As I've mentioned before, I've kept my sanity in part because I've always kept my finances separate from my husband's. I am a big saver. It makes him crazy that I'm not rolling through my money the way he does his. He can't wrap his head around planning for the future.
What will it take for your husband to get back on meds?
Hugs and support
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Is it worth investigating if there any other second-line ADHD meds he could try that wouldn't disqualify him from insurance? E.G. Wellbutrin? HUGE HUGS.
Meds and insurance
I doubt a different medication which change this, a few years back I was on antidepressants for about a year and this resulted in my life insurance being declined. I reapplied again a year after I had stopped taking them, and it was approved, but I was much younger than what he will be if he follows that route - so by then, the age might be the factor that excludes him.
I think he is leaning toward taking the meds again, and forfeiting the tiny option of securing life insurance. But mostly I think, because he is terrified of me leaving as the symptoms come back and he can see im getting to that point again.
It's another thing I've noticed, and Swedish Coast mentioned it. If not for my strong emotional reaction to the state of things, he would carry on oblivious to the effects of the disorder. It literally takes me threatening to leave, for him to snap into focus. Which makes me the monster every time.
At least the medication helped some of the symptoms from being so full on, which meant less issues, which meant less reason to need to leave.
And to complicate things further, he is the most loyal, gentle, kind and honest person I know, and the sweetest Dad to our kids (now that he is more attentive). So when I think of leaving, I feel like the most selfish, awful woman alive. Its like if he had a physical disability where he couldn't do the things able-bodied people could do, would I leave him then as well? Just because I like to be active and busy?
Loyal, sweet and kind
This echoes right out of my life as well. My husband was such a good person. I trusted him because of his intentions.
He was loyal, sweet and kind until he had to function in a crisis. This happened twice in our life. First when our second child was born. And then when I had to leave him.
His abilities in a crisis were so poor, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. The cruelty, the selfishness, the blindness to how he hurt me.
It’s all ADD. I know this, and he’s tried to apologize. Still, I can’t have anything to do with him now.
Hugs
Samsies gurl. All of it. I'm in the same thick, mucky yuck that is swirling around fear, individual insecurities and bad patters that just keep swirling around.
Same thing for me
Reading this was like my own story. Married 43 years and the time blindness and lack of financial strategy is now top of the list. Husband’s business has not been profitable for 5 years, and he appears unable to formulate a plan to improve the situation except stating he will earn more……what kind of plan is that?!?!? We have a new therapist on board who seems to understand ADD and financial issues so I hope she can help him see the light. If not, then I will have to make hard decisions even thought I do NOT want to divorce. I find it very sad that he is unable to really comprehend the hurt he has caused. His intentions are always good, but the lack of actual follow through and improvement has eliminated my trust of him. We will make a mutual agreement, then he goes his own way, apologizes later, and wonders why I do not trust him. I have no answers but know how you feel.