I have not posted or commented for a year now, and so I apologize for the very long post.
After reaching an all time low in December 2024, and giving my husband an ultimatum, to get treatment otherwise I would need to leave to save my sanity, health etc., 2025 went relatively well. The meds didn't solve our problems, but the effects definitely helped him to be more present, more attentive, more regulated, and this led to him picking up some chores and habits which DID help bring me back from the edge of burnout, and also start chipping away at 20 years of resentment.
In December, I did my usual financial housekeeping to see what 2026 would look like, I say MY because it's never been a shared task (he wouldn't even consider it), and I realized that husband's life insurance policy was coming to it's contractual end, so I asked him to make contact with the broker and see what next steps were. We have zero financial resources to fall back on (due to external reasons out of our control - we lost our business due to the pandemic but also the standard ADHD tax, and also living in a foreign country where it's hard for us to make money), so him dying would be catastrophic in more ways than one. Turns out that taking Ritalin pretty much excludes him from getting life insurance, so he decided to stop the meds, and try reapply while not on them in the hopes of getting new insurance - even though it probably won't change anything.
Well, it's been 3 weeks, and at first I thought I was imagining things, but nope, the symptoms that I found impossible to live with, are back. To top it, he is making hardly any money, and we're in a very bad financial predicament (still or again, who knows). My stress levels and anxiety are through the roof, as he basically terrifies me. He is a sweet, kind, loyal soul, but is prone to magical thinking, money and time blindness, dopamine addicted starts but no finishes - you know the deal.
Last night, we had a terrible fight, because the tension between us was unbearable. I am physically not attracted to him at all (despite him being an objectively attractive man), because we have had parent-child dynamics for most of the marriage. He also has sexual dysfunction, which makes it impossible to have any kind of stress free intimacy but he cannot understand why this plus the financial stress and burdens of our life (he and our teenager have ADHD and mostly it's me trying to keep things together) have made me disconnect from him, he says it's a choice I can make to overcome this whereas I am basically in survival mode day in and out.
I was completely honest last night, but I know I must've hurt him terribly with things I said. He then used words like narcissist, victim etc. to describe me, because I said I absolutely cannot drop my expectations any lower, that my needs have gone unmet our whole marriage (his have too, because I withdrew emotionally a long time ago), and that this is not personal it's just reality - money is needed to live a normal life never mind saving for the future.
I see no option than to silently try insulate myself from his financial stuff (refuses to try get a job and always does his own business, which does bring in money but not enough and not consistently). I also cannot see this ever changing, and having turned 50, I'm realizing that I cannot let myself drown with him. I don't deserve to go down, and my kids need me to stay afloat.
I feel absolutely hopeless and gutted, it's like groundhog day. He is generous and wouldn't WANT to harm us financially, but he just can't seem to deeply understand the ongoing and long-term effects of his behaviour. He always says he is trying his best. I've come to realize that his best is a really low bar, maybe okay for a single guy, but not for a family. And when I press him on it, he often says that it's the system that is wrong and maybe neurodiverse people aren't the problem at all. I even agree to a point, but, reality bites, every, single, time.
I know you can't give me answers, but I have no one to talk to, since I don't want our friends and family to see him in a bad light. I'm completely heartbroken, this disability can truly wreck lives.
