For context I am 8 years into a relationship with my ADHD partner, who I also got engaged to 2 years ago. I also JUST figured out 2 years ago that many of the issues in our relationship can be attributed to his untreated ADHD (along with my lack of knowledge around ADHD), even though I knew all along he had ADHD. He has chosen to be unmedicated for most of his life, and for the longest time I supported that decision.
At one point in our relationship, in 2021 after being holed up together for all of COVID-19, I had actually broken up with him. We lived together at the time, and his behavior was so out of control I simply couldn't deal with it anymore (the breaking point for me was when we had an argument while grocery shopping, and while checking out he completely shut down, sat down on the floor in the middle of self-checkout with his arms crossed, like an actual 5 year old). After we were split up for a year he changed some things about himself and his life, enough to where I felt comfortable getting back together with him and apparently getting engaged to him (lol). Overall his behavior had improved drastically– he went from being unmotivated and passive to pursuing his bachelors and masters degree, and just generally handling life like a functioning adult.
However... after being settled in together for several years, other unresolved aspects of his ADHD are rearing their heads. Hence me being here today.
I've found that most of his symptoms are based in emotional dysregulation, although there are some aspects of the planning disorder that come up, especially in trying to resolve conflicts and work to improve our behaviors. I think that is what's most frustrating for me. As long as his disorder isn't treated, I don't think there is any way to resolve our conflicts, or for him to adapt or change his behaviors, aside from them being completely forgotten about until the same thing happens again. We will argue and he will say things that bring me to tears, and then the next day he has forgotten all of it. I find myself thinking (even though it isn't wholly true) that he simply isn't able to retain information, or that he isn't willing to do what it takes to work on himself, which causes my expectations to fall very short of what I know he is actually capable of.
I also find that I'm terribly ill-equipped to have productive (and not counter-productive) conversations about these troubles (another reason why I'm here– luckily he is in the process of getting another diagnosis, and I am in the middle of therapy and getting resources for ADHD and ADHD relationships).
Lately I've been having horrible thoughts about whether or not I would have signed up for this if I was more knowledgeable at the time I met him. We're planning on getting married in 8 months, and I constantly have this internal push-and-pull between knowing deep down I love him and want to be with him, and the part of me that is so sick and tired of dealing with these more negative aspects of ADHD. I feel sad, confused, lonely, and just completely at a loss sometimes. On top of that I constantly have anxiety about this wedding. I fear I'll end up wanting to back out, I fear that I'll waste my parent's money, but most of all I fear the idea that I wasn't able to make it work with someone who, aside from these unfortunate circumstances, I truly love and admire as a human being.
Comments
It sounds like your gut is
It sounds like your gut is telling you something. A lot of people say it gets worse when kids come along. I feel for you, it’s super tough. Fundamentally I love and miss my ex husband but I could no longer live with his behaviours.
ADHD symptoms don’t improve with time
Please consider carefully if you should marry him.
So many of us who’ve married ADHD partners for love and an initially great relationship have then seen our lives fall apart. I’ve had it explained to me by my ex husband’s psychologist how an unmedicated (severe) ADHD person manages their life in one way while youthful. They can compensate for their symptoms by working harder. Later, perhaps in mid thirties or forties, they lose that youthful energy. They are then increasingly exhausted by life’s demands and fail more and more at meeting expectations. They burn out, get depressed, have more and more anxiety. This makes for worse ADHD symptoms. Ability to change doesn’t improve with worsening symptoms. And the marriage is severely battered in the process.
My ADD ex is still the love of my life, but he’s ruined it too. I could never in the blissful early years have anticipated what would happen to him or us.
If you feel now that you’re not safe or comfortable with the idea of marrying this man, I’d suggest you don’t.
Think Carefully
It reads to me that your instincts are trying to signal you. Swedish_coast said it well and it's similar to my experience. The main difference is that I'm still married to my SO, but have been considering my options.
Kids add complexity to the marriage and if you get one or more with ADHD as well, the challenges are magnified. It creates a whole different can of worms than dealing with an ADHD partner alone. As your ADHD partner gets older, there may be less willingness to change and less motivation in general. When you try to talk to them about it, they can react poorly (RSD).
My SO is a kind and wonderful person. The symptoms of ADHD overshadow those qualities when the monotony of life becomes too much for them to cope with. It can make you feel like the parent in the relationship and that you carry more of the load of the household. Over time, the imbalance can leave you bitter and sad.
Each one of us has a different experience and no two scenarios are the same. We're all in these forums to support each other and find comfort in knowing we're not alone. I hope that you read other stories and come to a decision that's comfortable for you.
Thinking more on this topic
Vertical certainty says: “This is how it is.”
I've come to realize, the vast majority of conficts and arguments I had with my SO were due to a conflict in processing styles. This has more to do with language derived from a system of values that are different or incompatible. Yet both of have ADHD.
Self-Assumed Epistemic Authority was a real issue here...but beneath that, was the heart of our issues together. At the core, in algebraic terms or language....horizontal vs vertical positioning was really a problem.
Algebra = 2 dimensions ...solving for X and Y
Calculus = 3 dimensions...solving for X,Y, Z
Trigonometry = trajectories, vectors and intersections ( overlaps )
So what does this all mean? I know nothing about Calculus. I don't know the first thing about Trigonometry except...what I just said. And the last grade I received in geometry was a D in high school.
All I do know for sure is this. At the core of our conflicts together. In relationship to one another.....when one person is Z only ( vertical up and down ) and they process without the X and Y ( horizontal plane ) there only one place they intersect, in the middle of the +. That's a very thin margin for overlaps together.
Okay...to speak like a regular person. Lol
When the starting position of anyone...starts with "I know" ( starting place is key.)
Versas, I don't know? The difference in processing styles are tremendous....a huge gap lays between the + middle intersection.
Sitting in the aisle of the grocery store is telling. When you think you know, but really don't...This is where Self-Assumed Epistemic Authority comes in. That's Z processing alone...without the benefits of X and Y. In its very essence....Z is only up or down...there's nothing in between.
Is it : further to New York...or by plane?
Something is missing to bridge the gap in this query. Fighting and arguing "the gap" is a waste of time and energy. That's not where you should be looking. Compatability is more than meets the eye. Different styles of processing means...different values and conclusions....even in numerical terms.
Im relationship to two people together...
TAKING: Moral Authority...tends to get an attitude that's say: I know better than you
I get to decide what's right or wrong for another person. It tends to follow the Z axis...either up or down... without ever meeting in middle. Which means, I'm either beneath you or above...there's no in between.
And if you can't meet someone in the middle and see eye to eye on anything related to a marriage....that's a much bigger issue than ADHD itself. From the start...that's key.
The story of Sir Issac Newton is an interesting one. At the time, Calculus didn't exist. He had to create Calculus from scratch...which took him most if his life to do so. Just to solve for Z. Z alone in isolation doesn't function without X and Y to go with it.
Think about it. Because this was at the core of my SO's ability to function...and solve problems together. There is no problem solving...when one person thinks they know... then takes that position above you.
J
You know it isn't working
Imagine this life in 10 more years. You are bailing a sinking ship while he is making holes in the bottom all while denying there is a crisis. I think we non spouses cling to that one second of clarity they sometimes have after a therapy session or a disagreement. Things don't improve with time, they actually get worse as unmedicated adhd spouse tends to fall back to familiar maladaptive behaviors rather than doing the work to change. Once you can see things without the filter of infatuation you will see that love is not enough. What you are looking for is a partner pulling as hard at you in the same direction. What you have is someone who ungratefully accepts your skills and ability to keep things moving forward and expects you to continue to keep giving without ever acknowledging their lack of effort. They expect that you are somehow responsible for their well being.