Dating a couple of years after ADD divorce. Have been out a few times with a very decent man. He’s well educated, fit, intelligent and kind.
But after today I think he has autism.
He has very intense interests that dominate conversation. He socializes through activities but doesn’t seem to see friends over meals or have houseguests. He has no thoughts about holiday traditions. There’s a social awkwardness about him. He doesn’t know how to meet up, he acts strange when getting out of his car, like he hasn’t noticed I’m there though we’re alone in an empty parking lot. There’s limited facial expression and a certain physical tension. There’s also something about his gait. And he says he doesn’t understand people guided by their emotions.
How do I manage to pick these gifted neurodivergent men?
I like him but am too afraid to get into another neurodiverse relationship. Guess I’ll have to tell him at some point. But it seems impolite to presume somebody has a diagnosis. Could I ask him?
Comments
Did ask him
Well I didn’t specify. But I said we might be on different places on a spectrum. That such difference has hurt me in the past. And I asked if I may ask some intrusive questions next time we meet. He said yes.
Dating is a little less terrifying with plenty of time and some distance.
Thank you all
I think you all have very good points here. And like Melody, I feel extremely cautious.
I will ask why his former marriage didn’t work out. And also perhaps why he didn’t become a father until in his forties.
My therapist has warned me not to express the caring side too much when dating. Which is wise. In fact, nobody has ever left me, and I’ve mostly given more than I’ve recieved. I’d probably be a catch for anyone who wants a wholehearted effort and deep affection.
This, my friends, I won’t offer to just anyone.
There’s possibly autism in the family of origin. I struggle very hard with those relations now. I don’t want another autist, or ADD, or anything like it.
Thank you for looking out for me.
Good luck!
I'm exceedingly protective of myself as well now too. It's great that he's given you the green light to ask the questions you need to. Don't forget your gut knows things. Good luck Swedish!
We favor what is familiar
Please be careful about this man. He may be similar to your ex that I know you loved, but ultimately decided was not good for you. This new guy may or may not be diagnosed, but the behaviors you have described are concerning. Please read about comfort zones. You may be slipping back into your comfort zone while dating this man because subconsciously his actions seem familiar. Remember dating someone like this and being in a long term relationship with him are two very different things. While dating, this guy is on his best behavior, and might be totally different in a long term relationship…This may be the best he will ever treat you, and that may deteriorate in time. Is this guy divorced? If so, it would be valuable to know what really ended his marriage. What if he got so involved in his particular interests that he totally ignores you??? Please don’t get caught in another relationship that is not healthy for you. Just like the battered woman syndrome, some women are always ending up with an abuser, and they can’t understand that they are attracted to the comfort of the familiarity, not the merits of the man himself.
I had a close friend who was always subconsciously choosing abusive men. I set her up with a good man, but after only one date, she said she was not interested, and found the man “boring”. In actuality, she didn’t know how to behave around a decent guy, and that made her subconsciously feel uncomfortable. She ended up marrying another abusive man, had a baby with him, and died only 2 years later at age 37 because of his neglect and physical abuse. I’m not saying your new guy is abusive, but I certainly see that you are attracted to neurodivergent men because you know the routine. Please don’t make another mistake by getting further involved with this man.
Maybe it's something......
that matches something in yourself that you find attractive. That's what I discovered with my X ( ex So...X is easier ) especially at first.
Echo chamber
When I saw him a couple of days ago, he was nice as ever. But I get this feeling he walks one step behind me, letting me expand while his contribution is much smaller.
Like the date - which was nice - is just an echo chamber for me. Or that I just experience myself reflected in all the walls. Like it’s all about me.
I have terrible experiences from this. Passive man hitching a ride. It’s flattering at first. One feels so colorful, witty and fascinating. But then, one’s expected to pull everything. Forever.
I feel mean. But am so afraid.
Your gut it telling you…
Your gut is telling you this is not right for you. Why do you say you feel mean? You have to choose someone who is right for you, who contributes something to the relationship, not just mirror your essence back to you. You are not obligated to carry the burdens for this guy, to be his crutch in life. You need an equal partner after all you have been through. I would hate to see you fall back into a familiar but maladaptive pattern of carrying the men in your life.
Decided to end it
Spoke to trauma therapist and have decided to end it with this man.
You are all so right about listening to the body. It’s been conflicted about him. That isn’t good enough, which I next time will be more aware of.
No more of carrying the men of my life.
Thanks everyone.