Forum topic: Impulsive

A few things you said resonated as this has been one of my bigger symptoms to tackle. 

First, IMHO....your age has nothing to do with your ability to change this. The most difficult part is attempting to stop the old habit..while trying to form a new one.... at the same time.

It depends on what type of interrupting you're doing...I think that's key.

I'm the "finish the sentence" type of interrupter. I get really impatient when speaking to some people who appear "too slow" for my conversational speed. I feel like I have to wait so long for the person to finish what I already know they're going to say,  that I'll jump in and finish the idea for them ...because it's just taking so long to get there!  This is super annoying for other people and I know I do it. I've done it for so long, it's difficult to completely stop. I still catch myself all the time but the key word is "catch". I stop myself much more often...than I actually do it.

 And with practice over time...I hardly do it at all anymor but....that doesn't meannever. One failure however ...is still pretty darn good compared to all the "catches" I make. I figure...everyone is allowed to drop the ball once in while. 

The other type of interrupting I experience is when the other person interrupts to change the subject or topic to sonetging entirely different than what your saying. They're not "finishing your thoughts" out loud like I do. They're more....interrupting and taking over the conversation to something they're thinking...instead of listening to you...then responding in kind.  I won't say I've never done this. I'm saying...this is not my problem type interrupting.  

I think its fair to make this distinction as these two type require a different kind of solution. 

Either way, listening instead of thinking ahead...helped me catch more impulses than I let by.

 Over time...you get bettertghe more you practice doing it....age does not seem to affect my ability to do this what so ever.

  Longer...maybe.  At all? No. 

I was on the receiving end of this from my ex, over years. I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him.

I think the crucial thing is to understand how it makes the other person feel. I knew how he felt about being interrupted, so would listen to ten minute long lectures and diatribes, without even saying 'Oh yes I know' in case that annoyed him. That understanding was never reciprocated. 

How I felt: unheard. That my thoughts and feelings and opinions were of no interest or value. That I wasn't worth listening to. Over time it eroded my confidence, and even my sense of self. 

This may or may not be how your partner feels, but it's worth finding out how she does feel, and bearing in mind. 

The crucial thing, imho, is not THAT the partner gets annoyed if you interrupt, but WHY they get annoyed. What are the deeper emotions, the feelings of loss, lack of care, being unheard, that make her express irritation? if you can consider what the effects are on her, rather than what the more superficial responses, it can hopefully help you adapt your behaviour so it hurts her less. 

 

 

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "interrupting  is rude".  

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL  He had a huge ear to ear grin...and when he laughed ( big belly laughs ) he was laughing with you not at you. I'm laughing with him right now....a every time I think of him saying those words!!

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "interrupting  is rude".  

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL  He had a huge ear to ear grin...and when he laughed ( big belly laughs ) he was laughing with you not at you. I'm laughing with him right now....a every time I think of him saying those words!!

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "interrupting  is rude".  

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL  He had a huge ear to ear grin...and when he laughed ( big belly laughs ) he was laughing with you not at you. I'm laughing with him right now.... every time I think of him saying those words!!

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "interrupting  is rude".  

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL  He had a huge ear to ear grin...and when he laughed ( big belly laughs ) he was laughing with you not at you. I'm laughing with him right now....a every time I think of him saying those words!!

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person". And being held to that meant, she'd point it out all the time. It was a learned thing, over time. That didn't really stop me ( the impulses ) but it did reinforce that "interrupting  is rude".  

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL  He had a huge ear to ear grin...and when he laughed ( big belly laughs ) he was laughing with you not at you. I'm laughing with him right now.... every time I think of him saying those words!!

to interrupt. This applies to what the OP is saying, as well as what I said about making a mistake ( not catching every impulse ).

 I guess I'm lucky enough to have had a mother who was a stickler for manners and politeness ( etiquette ). As she use to always say: "manners aren't for you, they're for the other person".

When pointed out, my inclination wasn't to argue against rudeness by saying "that's just how people talk"....but instead go "oops", "sorry", "my bad", "excuse me" or any other thing a person might say when they know they've made a mistake. 

Even my swim coach would get into the act ( for his own amusement ) when a kid ( like myself ) would ask: "can I swim butterfly on the next one?"...and he'd ( always ) reply:" not very well." LOL  He was school teacher so it was in his blood !  I also laughed everytime  with him....it wasn't a big deal, and no one was immune!  I understand that's grammer, but idea is the same. 

THIS right here is the crux of the problem I believe,  where you said:

 "I'd ask him not to interrupt so much, and he'd make out I was wrong ('that's just how people talk'). He was, however, super sensitive to being interrupted himself, even if I was doing so to agree with him."

I want to say two things here about being "sensitive".  I'm EXTREMELY sensitive ( my nervous system at least ) and feel deeply and painfully if something triggers me. It can be anywhere from mild to excruciating.....depending on.

My X was not a " finish your sentence" type interrupter like I am so that wasn't her issue or "problem type" interrupting. But when I'd slip, or didn't catch myself, she'd launch in and chastise me and say on these moments something like " may I be allowed to continue...how can anyone get a word in when you're talking all the time!"  ( in anger ) 

In these moments, I didn't say anything. No,  excuse me or I'm sorry....just silence, because she was so hard hitting and unforgiving, I  knew if I said something, it'd  probably make it worse so silence was my best option. That wasn't me agreeing with her comment...that was me...not wanting to invite more of the same.

 Getting a verbal beating for such a minor offense, especially when I'd take ownership and excuse myself was a painfu experience to the point, I stopped talking altogether to avoid getting chastised. There was no conversation at that point. 

  She'd also do this in context...when she was the one doing all the talking so her comment was not accurate, I wasn't taking...I was listening...and had a minor "blip" on the radar screen. I didn't take over or change the subject...it was just a lapse in my ability to contain my impulse in the moment. That's all it was. 

And its not really that big a deal, since tGftd, I'm aware that I do it, and make efforts to stop. And I don't do it that often so the fact that my X took such an exception to this, tells me, that's more about her issue than mine. To make a mole hill into a mountain...is also not one of my personal problems in a chronic way.  

I have manners, I say please and thank you. I say excuse me when appropriate...I was taught to be different than " how [other] people talk" so I know for a fact, that being rude is also not one of my issues.

 So when my X launched a personal attack on me for interrupting by giving me a verbal beat down....I know that's not about me. That's about her...no matter how much she tried to make me "wrong" or the bad guy. A mistake doesn' make you wrong, it makes you human in my mind.    The problem is not being able to communicate this and have an adult conversation about it. That really is the crux of the matter.

This is why I brought up my swim coach, the "master at motivation". I can still picture him standing there when asked:" can I swim butterfly on the next one ? "  

"Not very well". LOL

Not sure why all my unedited drafts appeared on my last post but it kind of flows into what I came back here to say as I was remembering my swim coach and his "not very well" comment. 

To illustrate the net effect that had on me, by taking his approach on pointing out, that my butterfly stroke needed some work. This is not something I've ever mentioned but the results I think, speak for themselves. 

Butterfly is a very difficult stroke to learn in fact, it's the MOST difficult for most people which is why, most people avoid learning it! And I was no different. It took a long time to master. 

I was definitely not...the biggest, strongest most naturally gifted swimmer on my team. I was actually the smallest for my age which put me at a distinct disadvantage.  

What I had to learn to compensate was to have a better stroke technique than the bigger, stronger guy next to me. That IS the "doing well" part. 

But the net results showed up about 4 or 5 years later when suddenly, I was beating guys much bigger than myself. They may have been bigger and stronger, but my technique made me faster at the end of the race. 

To the point....I became really fast in 50 meters. So fast, that my coach started putting me on relays in butterfly ...and I'm not a butterflyer at all! That's not my race  ( I'm a backstroker naturally ) but I could smoke other people in a 50 meter sprint, I just didn't have the staying power to further distances. 

And then again later, my coach made me swim the 200 IM ( individual medely ) where you have to swim all 4 strokes in one race. It's a  brutal race, that requires a lot of endurance but to the point....he put there because of my butterfly ...not because it was my fastest stroke...but because I could do it better for 50 meters ...as fast, or faster than my competitors...and still have enough left to do the other 3 strokes in that same race ( butterfly is 1rst ...then the other 3 ).

 I was not exactly happy about getting stuck doing the most grueling race,  which I never really excelled at, but I still did a respectable job and put numbers on the board for the team. 

To make this clear....this post isn't about swimming or how fast I am at butterfly for 50 meters. I'm making the point that learning to "do it well" came directly from my coach telling me I wasn't doing it well ( my stroke technique ) . 

But then one day....I did do it well. It may have taken years ( at least 5 or 6 ) ...but once it clicked....it clicked for good.  

And further ....even now. I'm old and in the way, not in great shape and far less strong than  I use to be...BUT....

I could go to a pool, and go up against anyone ( the average person of any age ) and smoke them in 50 meters butterfly. Not because I'm better or superior than they are...but because I learned to do it well. 

It's my stroke technique, that all it is...not that I have any special gift or talent over anyone else. I certainly was NOT born that way...  I just needed the time to learn how....the rest came easy after that.  

That's the result of my coaches comment, at the end of the day. 

Sorry to keep coming back here but I'm remembering things from my past, in light of my coach and swimming comments. 

I think this a good example of perspective, which involved me entering a Masters swim meet after I had already graduated college and had started working.  I heard through the grapevine, that the Internation Masters Championship meet was being held in my town that year. It's pretty big deal...and it was only miles away from me. 

I can't remember the exact age requirement ( minimum age ) to join...but I remember the meet was in the summer...and my birthday was in the fall,  making it so...I'd just missed the age cutoff to enter the meet.  So....I lied about my age and made myself 1 year older than I really was....just to swim in that one meet. From that moment on until now, I'd have to remember to say I was one year older to keep my lie straight ! Lol A minor detail ...as I was NOT going to win ...and I already knew that going in.

When I get there, I'm hearing people chattering about Joe Bottom. Joe Bottom this and Joe Bottom that. I thought...I remember that name? Where have heard that name before?

As it turns out, Joe Bottom held the world record for the 50 meter freestyle, the 100 meter butterfly and the 4 X 100 free relay at one time...and had several Olympic Medals to add to his resume.  

I only entered one event...the 50 meter backstroke which was my best event but normally...not an indivual event, but it is one as part of a relay team.  Part of me wanting to go...was it IS an individual event, in Masters swimming. I wanted to see how fast I could go after be away from meets for a few years and this International long course meet was the perfect opportunity.  And then I look at the heat sheet and see Joe Bottom's name only 2 lanes from me. ( gulp ).

I was thinking ...I may be a little over my head but what the hell? I wasn't there to win...I was there, just to see how fast I could go? It's me against the clock...not Joe Bottom right?

So I'm in lane 2, seeded 7th out of 8. It was long course meaning, 50 meter pool, so it's just drag race from one end to the other...no turn or wall to deal with.  I had worked out in the evenings after work but I wasn't in prime shape like I was while I was in school. 

Anyway, the point of telling this story is what happened at the end of the race. I ended up matching my fastest time ever minus only a half a second.  I ended up 5th from 7th and wa pretty pleased with the results. It's really why I went in the first place, just to see if I could match my best and I did...so that was a good day. 

And ...as expected, Joe Bottom won with a time almost 4 seconds faster than mine.  The fact that he's not a backstroker is kind of irrelevant. No one expected him not to win !  That's a lot for a sprint ( 4 seconds ) on paper.

But, to put this in perspective.... if you trying to compare me to Joe Bottom in that race ( once the fastest man on the planet in a 50 meter sprint ) was exactly this at the end....

( Joe Bottom ) touch...one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, one thousand four ...touch ( me ). 

No one was there watching me...I went alone...and no one paid much attention to the person who came in 5th. I was sort of irrelevant to virtually ALL the spectators watching. No one even knew who I was...as I had lied just to get into the meet in the first place.

None that matters.  What matters is...I was doing it for myself...I wasn't there to race Joe Bottom...I was there to race the clock and as far as I was concerned...I did a realky good job. I did my best...and I was happy with results...even if it was slightly slower than my best ever.  The fact that I was ONLY 4 seconds behind 1rst ...made day. It only made it better, not worse... from my perspective. 

And that is what I'd say to you too. The only person you have to beat is yourself...when making comparisons. 

 

But it has effects. 

Especially if it becomes the dominant mode of communication. It scrambles the focus of the person on the receiving end, leaving them with broken thoughts and unexpressed ideas, always reaching, frustrated, for that thing that had been on the tip of their tongue. 

It made me, at least, feel eroded, diminished, and unheard. 

So whilst it's not wrong, it has effects.