I'm just curious how this next step works. I'm done attempting to help my husband with ADHD. Nothing works and I'm simply tired of trying. Honestly, I don't want to divorce for financial reasons. I like the lifestyle we have and I don't want to give that up. I don't love my husband and I don't hate him - we are more like roommates where one person does most of the work and the other person is more than happy with that arrangement. We have two kids so most of our interactions are as a family. We don't fight because I gave up trying to get support out of him many years ago. The kids are leaving next year for college and I think he sees this as a chance to reconcile. This is never going to happen. I plan on using this time to do all the things I want for myself and essentially not worrying about anyone else.
For the most part I think my husband is okay with the current arrangement as it requires very little from him. Occasionally (usually after he's had a few drinks), he comes to me all teary-eyed and wants to know what he can do to fix things. And the answer is nothing. It's not the time to discuss that with him as he's not super rational after a few drinks so I usually play along until I can politely exit the conversation.
At the end of the day, I'd rather he just accept this as our fate and stop bringing it up. I think if we have a big conversation about it, it will just kickstart him to "try harder". And as you all know, that won't last.
Has anyone else transitioned to just living separate lives under the same roof? Does it work? Did you have a big conversation or just fade into this lifestyle? How do I get him to stop bringing it up?
Comments
I can’t help
I tried for a couple of years to keep things ticking along, after he’d burned through everything I had to give. I was desperately unhappy, but then I was still trying to ‘make it work’ when it was broken. Acceptance might be easier.
But I do just want to say, that thing where they come to you, knowing it’s broken and wanting to be told how to fix it - that makes me want to just fuffin bawl my eyes out and scream. So I now have to do the work of that too? Figure it all out and offer you an easy answer? That you will then not bother to follow through with anyway?
Nah.
But you did
Just hearing that someone else has gone through this helps
Financial plan?
I have no answers to this.
However, a marriage may end without one’s consent too. I’d especially worry my partner would leave me if I’d checked out emotionally. That’s what happened to my ex husband and me.
So in your place I’d make sure I had a solid financial plan for managing alone.
Honestly…
I’d be pretty happy if the decision to leave the marriage came from him but honestly he would never be able to follow through on a divorce. I’d have to do it for him.
Roommates
This may be just me, but, in my past before I was first married, I had a handful of roommates.
My roommates were usually my best friends. I did everything with them and spent a lot of time doing activities together.
Being a guy, my friendships were almost entirely "activity based"...meaning, the sole reason to get to gether in the first place was to "to do something".
Doing included: skiing, scuba diving, camping, camping and scuba diving, music concerts, parties (and social gatherings ), traveling, mountain climbing, camping and mountain climbing, traveling/ camping/hiking ( and or mountain climbing ), sailing, traveling and sailing, traveling/ camping/ sailing.........etc.
So for me, I find it curious that the word "roomates", get thrown out if people aren't doing things together and spending lots of time with them, enjoying their company, while doing activities that we all shared in common.... as I did with my all roommates in the past.
And again, this could be just me ( I don't know? ) but that word appears to mean sonething different to me than it does with other people?
I'm assuming it does...in context to so many people I see, who use that word differently than I do?
In this context
Roommates is usually a polite way to say not in a physical relationship.
Same
I wonder the same thing. Except deep down inside I hope I don't have to live with him forever. There is no peace.
EAB
I think a lot of people in marriages live separate lives
Sad but true. Financial independence is a real and serious thing. If you don't have the resources to live comfortably on your own, the next alternative is to "accept" this--but I think acceptance can come in various forms.
My husband and I have good moments in our day-to-day lives. We still laugh a lot together. We travel together. We are there for one another in difficult times. We also travel separately at times (a lifesaver, believe me). We'll take trips with other family members or friends.
To keep myself sane and to work for a fulfilling life, I do have a life outside of our marriage--a life he has chosen not to be a part of. I'm active in our community. I know a lot of people. I go to the gym regularly. I go on long walks by myself. My husband doesn't even enjoy going out to the farmers market in our town on Saturdays. This past Saturday, I met an old friend and her husband for breakfast and a walk. My husband chose to stay home alone. shrug. I will not wring my hands over his refusal to be social. I did that once before and sorely regretted it.
People probably wonder why we aren't having affairs. Meh. It just isn't part of what we do. We are all just trying to navigate this crazy life and working to make our lives meaningful and as fulfilling as possible without being co-dependent.