We had this post from one of our readers and wanted to write a bit in response about the defensiveness many men feel when approached about having ADHD and/or going on medication. The post:
"I can TOTALLY relate to the anger/defensiveness that other posters are bringing up. Most of my family has ADD so I understand it. My SO of 4 years has it was diagnosed about 3 years ago (thanks to my encouraging him to get diagnosed). Anyway, he refuses to get on medication. I've tried every way imaginable to communicate with him with no avail. Doesn't matter how I say it or explain I'm not upset with him or think it is his fault. He gets royally ticked off and loses his temper. I can't take his temper anymore. I would be more positive on "trying" if he would understand that his ADD does cause problems and WE both need to find solutions. It is very obvious he has low self esteem. What really upsets me is how he spins whatever I say to be my fault. To him I'm just a very negative person. I can't tell him when something bothers me because he gets defensive and thinks I'm being "negative". I'm at the end of my rope. I think the only way this would work is if I just excepted status quo and I can't live like that. I have also noticed whatever I tell him I need he almost unconsciencly does the exact opposite."
Walter's Response:
The situation you are describing is repeated daily between hundrends of thousands of couples who are dealing with ADHD symptoms. It seems that it would make sense that to talk to someone carefully and gently about their challenges would seem welcomed, right? Well, it sounds like your significant other is caught by at least two powerful dynamics in his life. He is male, and, he is a male with ADHD.
Most people with undiagnosed or misunderstood ADHD grow up hearing a constant refrain. “You should be able to do better” or “just work a little harder”. I recently asked an intelligent, beautiful, athletic and successful young woman what the word was that she most often used to describe herself. She said, “Inadequate”. When people see themselves as chronically inadequate, they cannot possibly have a great self-esteem. When those around them comment on their behavior and their actions, there is a predictable response comprised of anger or withdrawal/avoidance.
The problem here is that even if you think you are ringing a small bell when making an observation, what is heard by your partner is a banging gong of criticism that never is completely silenced and always ready to be activated. The other problem you confront is that your significant other is male. I run men’s groups and I always start new groups with this question: When you were a small boy, what message did you receive about expressing feelings/emotions? The nearly universal response to this question is “don’t”. Your partner has a condition that was likely never understood for what is was, leaving him to figure it out for himself and I would almost guarantee that his own perception was that he was stupid, lazy or inadequate. In addition, he likely never felt permission to talk about these feelings with anyone. He sounds stuck and you sound understandably frustrated and sad.
You clearly want what is best for your friend and have tried several approaches. What he may not do for himself, he may do for you. Ask him to see a professional to support you. Tell him that you need guidance so that you can feel more successful in the relationship and be less “negative”. He needs to get in front of someone who can help him understand that what he is feeling is NOT his fault but that he is pushing others away. My guess is that he wants you very much at his side. Good luck! WalterWalter Sherburne, LICSW, is an individual and family therapist at the Hallowell Center and maintains a private practice. An expert in child welfare and mental health treatment, Mr. Sherburne is a consultant and speaker. He can be contacted at [email protected].- WalterSherburne's blog
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Comments
How do I hear the bell instead of the gong?
Submitted by respoke on
This is part of the problem I am having right now and why I am looking through this website. If my wife is ringing a small bell and I'm hearing a banging gong of criticism, which I am aware happens all the time and wish didn't, how do I hear the bell instead of the gong? I often think she is saying something louder and more critical than what she is actually saying. Partially because she gets really worked up and emotional when she is talking to me about something that hurt her feelings. I get frustrated that I can't respond properly and sad that I am hurting her feelings by exploding, but I don't know how to not react with that explosive frustration. It's like an automatic switch which I am not in control of.
Make it a bell
Submitted by Nettie on
Someone has already written about how non-ADHDers sometimes feel they must increase the intensity of their words because the more dramatic response is sometimes more effective (at least short-term). Try the communication section, or maybe someone else can reiterate.
I'm the ADHD spouse
Submitted by respoke on
Sorry I wasn't clear but I'm the ADHD spouse hearing the gong, which is what I thought the original blog was saying. I read everything in the communication section and didn't see any suggestions on how an ADHD person can tone down this hyper-critical reaction to things which aren't as critical as I think are. There has to be a way stop the frustrated response before it happens or understand things better without getting frustrated that I can't understand.
I Hope Someone Has a Suggestion for You
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Hi Fuser,
I commend you on your awareness of your part in this dynamic by coming to the realizetion that you hear a gong and asking for tips on how to hear it a bell. My wife also hears the gong (and maybe an entire percussion section with drums and cymbals and lots of other sounds!) when I think I am just gently ringing the triangle. I know she would appreciate hearing how someone with ADD has learned how not to do that, so I hope you get some suggestions. At this point, I have been looking for suggestions on what *I* can do to sound more like a triangle (or little bell). But I'm sure it would be best if I could learn ways to come across a little softer, and my wife could learn ways to hear me a little softer.
Suggestions
Submitted by respoke on
My current marriage is much different than past relationships because I don't have the option of implimenting any of the things that have helped in the past. My wife insists on resolving issues or talking about problems when she is at an emotional breaking point, which usually happens late at night. These are a couple of things that made things a lot easier when talking about important things or problems in the relationship:
1.) Bring up the subject that needs to be talked about very briefly and schedule a time the next day to talk about it. For me at least, it's more difficult to have a long discussion late at night when I'm tired and it's really difficult to only get 4-6 hours of sleep and go to work on time the next morning. It also gives me time to get my defensive reaction in check and approach the problem more objectively.
2.) Give your ADHD spouse extra time to stumble on his/her words and thoughts. It can take us much longer to grasp what we want to say and get it out of our mouths. This also means trying hard not to interupt, especially if a thought hasn't been articulated yet.
3.) If a problem has many different facets, focus on only one at a time. Don't say, "this is wrong, this is wrong and this is also wrong." I can't keep track of and respond to three seperate things. By the time I try and talk about the first thing, I've forgotten the other two.
4.) Don't yell, swear or get super emotional. If you do, take a cigarette break or a short walk outside to calm down. This goes for both parties in the conversation. So it also follows that it's necessary to allow the other person to take that break if they need to. Also, don't blame the other person for getting frustrated or super emotional. Those emotions are valid responses to a difficulty communicating. They shouldn't be as big of a problem as the actual problem you are trying to address. Give each other a little leway to make emotional mistakes and don't take it so personally.
5.) Sometimes it helps to write things down and try to answer questions in writing. Subtlety and emotional may get lost in the writing and that has to be understood, but it can be a lot easier for an ADHD person to focus on one problem at a time and write a response than it is to understand and try to find the words in the moment. Then after things are read you can both talk about what was written.
6.) Don't expect the ADHD person to remember everything that has been said or even what was said a couple of minutes ago. Don't blame them for not remember and don't tell them to try harder or that they don't care. They probably do care and might be trying as hard as they can. That pressure can easily add to the frustration. Be patient and be prepared to explain things many times and in many different ways.
7.) Have some kind of code word or action to let the ADHD person know that they are over-reacting and don't get pissed at them for over-reacting. If you don't get pissed and let them know what they are doing, they might just calm down right away and be back to normal. If you get pissed that they are frustrated, it will get even worse and they will get more defensive and frustrated.
Personally, I want to try and attack that frustration at the root and quell it, so the responsibility of working with my problems doesn't lay so much on my wifes shoulders. But she seems unwilling to accept and work with my problems and sometimes I feel that she expects too much of me. There are certain things that I am not unwilling to do but unable to do, like keep track of a bunch of different things in my head at the same time, perceive time normally or form my words as quickly as most people. At least I think that is an inability and not an unwillingness and I accepted that in myself long ago.