It's been an interesting couple of weeks, after a major meltdown on my part a while ago, where it was clear that if I didn't draw boundaries for myself and stick to them, I was going to have a breakdown - I have gone into quiet, reflective mode. I'm just doing me, not pushing myself one iota beyond what I can comfortably do, concentrating on self-care activities, and focusing less on the ADHD problems in the household. Everyone seems calmer, and is indeed taking more responsibility where they can. Win.
But I'm still struggling with feelings of resentment, which I learned today in therapy is essentially anger. And being raised in a home where I was the non-angry (therefore good) kid, I guess it's been hard for me to grapple with anger, which has now turned into resentment.
My therapist threw a spanner in the works for me today. She suggested that I might need to look into the idea of radical acceptance. This felt like a cop-out to me - I am after all the doer, the fixer, the hyper-responsible, adult in the room. Doesn't accepting all of this just let "them" off the hook, and create more chaos for me? Doesn't this mean huge, big problems down the line?
I have to process what this means, what to let go of because it won't change to the extent I want / need it to. I just heard a short on Youtube by a rather renowned psychologist, that radical acceptance is like living in a house where your bedroom window faces where the sun rises, and it wakes you too early, but no matter what, you'll never change how the sun rises, so you might as well just accept it and find other ways around it, like getting block out shades, or a sleep mask, deal with being woken up earlier, or move (and maybe some of these are more possible than others). This hit me really hard.
This is my homework for the next few weeks, to let this really sink in and work with it. I'm so used to MAKING things happen, I really have no idea how to LET things be.
