“Win-win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way: it’s a better way."
- Stephen Covey
A Better Way
“Why subject yourself to the tyranny of ‘or’?!” - my husband (and many others)
One of the fun parts of living with ADHD is that you get to (have to!) think creatively when you are problem solving. After all, you are trying to negotiate your very different approaches to life’s problems. We’ve come up with some ‘win/win’ solutions over the years that others might think were practically crazy but that we liked just fine, thank you very much!
One of the best ways to do this is to seek the ‘and’ solution vs. sticking with the ‘or’. How can you satisfy your need AND satisfy mine? So much more satisfying than having someone win and someone lose (aka the ‘or’ solution.)
Next time you are battling over something, stop and request a brainstorming session in which you both contribute multiple possible solutions to the issue. (To do this, it helps to look ‘underneath’ the issue to see if you can identify motivators or reasons you are stuck in your current position.)
A simple tool to help you brainstorm together if you are trying to figure out whether or not to do something is a 3 column grid. In the left column is “reasons to do” the thing. You BOTH contribute to thinking up all the benefits of proceeding – not just the person who is currently on that ‘side’ of your disagreement. The second column is ‘reasons not to do’ and again, BOTH partners contribute. The third column is ‘creative solutions’. Ask yourselves ‘how many ‘ands’ are out there?’
Filling out the first two columns helps you calm down and gets you thinking about both sides of the issue from your own perspective. The third column is where the fun begins.
Try it sometime – why give in to the tyranny of or?
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The seminar starts MARCH 26th and is likely to be the smallest sized class I've had in over a decade. To encourage your participation, I'm offering a rare discount of $30 - just use the code ALL30at registration (make sure to click 'apply'!) You can read more and register here.
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For those in marriages impacted by ADHD
You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals. Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!
Seminars and Groups
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts March 26, 2019.