I'm reading that many of you are being treated for depression and I was wondering how you knew when to get treatment for yourself? I'm not only dealing with a difficult marital situation but I'm also going through hormonal changes (I'm 48 and have been having perimenopausal symptoms for 7 years) so I'm never really sure what is causing my depressed moods. I have days where I don't know how I can go on but then I've never missed a day of work and can always manage to pick myself up and accomplish whatever has to get done. Usually my worse days are after a busy work week and then I tend to break down and not be able to do much but stay in bed for a day and feel sorry for myself. This has been happening weekly for awhile now and I have no desire to have a social life or do anything but sleep and be alone. I'm not a social butterfly anyway, and I come from a family who isn't very social, so I have used that as an excuse for not wanting to be around people (that and the fact I'm around lots of people all week at work). But I really am starting to think maybe I need to be treated for depression or at least see a doctor about it. I took Prozac for awhile, about 5 years ago, and it didn't help me at all. My OB/GYN prescribed it for me when I told her I was feeling depressed and at the time I blamed it on hormones. Of course my husband still blames my moods on hormones. Of course it couldn't possibly be due to the fact that for 7 years I've been struggling to do about 90% of everything while he sleeps and watches TV. It still baffles me that he can love me yet sit back and watch me practically kill myself trying to make ends meet and keep everything running semi-smoothly at home. Our home is falling down around us, needs about $30,000 worth of work and I have no idea how that's going to get done. We live month to month never knowing if we can pay the bills. I'm self-employed so I don't have a regular income I can count on and although he has a job now it's very part time and last month he only made about $200. I'm a planner and I crave stability and security so it's been torture for me to be married to a man who doesn't seem to care about any of that. I hate the thought of taking any kind of drug but maybe I need to look into something that can keep me sane.
I'd love feedback from those of you who have been treated and can definitely say it has helped. Some days I think the only thing that will help is freeing myself from this dead weight I've been carrying for 7 years. UGH!
I've never taken medications
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've never taken medications for depression or anxiety but I used to see a therapist (until she retired a few years ago), and it helped a lot. I've always had a predisposition to being depressed and anxious, and once my husband started backing away from family responsibilities, my mood began to gradually decline. If I had more money and time now, I'd definitely go back to therapy.
Id much prefer therapy
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I'd much prefer therapy over drugs! Unfortunately drugs would be cheaper. LOL
While I had taken
Submitted by copingSAH on
While I had taken antidepressants for postpartum depression, I began treatment for my depression earnestly around the same time I started to suspect my dh of having ADHD. Certain relationship dynamics within the marriage had been deteriorating for quite some time. It just coincided and while I've been on medication for half a decade, my dh has just been diagnosed and gone on meds recently (huge improvement to himself, and for my own depressions).
I am convinced my search for my own relief was to deal with the confusions brought on by dh's undiagnosed ADD. At the time I was very anxious about dh's rage attacks, stressed out like walking on egg shells, was falling down or tripping a lot, to the point I had a bad injury and ended up in ER. I channeled all that was good to take care of the kids and for myself, I just fell to pieces, in a way.
The thing is to keep trying to find the right med. Keep a log of when you start feeling down, if it's every day, or when your dh is in the room, before the weekend, etc. and see what the triggers (hormonal or relational dynamics or both) and get your doctor to understand what you need. Whether it's a mood "lift" or you need to be feeling "calmer".
Right now, interestingly, Prozac is re-introduced as Sarafem, to help women with severe PMS, or PMDD. I take Prozac/Sarafem and it works well but it took a ridiculously long time for a doctor to agree to prescribe it for me. I've tried everything from Zoloft to Paxil to Lexapro in the last 6 years. Some work better than others and everyone responds differently. It takes some time to get into your system to start noticing whether it works or not. There are medications that can actually make your mood worse and you need to be very attuned to that - that it's the medication and not you.
Good luck with this. Is your partner taking meds for ADHD? I found the both of us taking care of ourselves (with medication) -- helps us to help ourselves as well as help each other.
I have not been to therapy but I am very dedicated to self-psychology that has been part of my life for the past 30 years. If you're in need of guidance, then therapy or counseling is a good idea.
Thanks for sharing
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Probably Therapy and meds would be appropriate. My husband isn't currently on meds but has taken them in the past. He says they have caused other health issues so he had to stop (this was before we met). It's probably a good idea of us to both seek help so we have a better chance of working things out.
i am in the same boat
Submitted by Suda on
I should have read all the posts before I posted mine. I know what you mean about freeing yourself of the "dead weight". Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like a weight is on my chest. for what its worth, I have been going to individual therapy for 3 months now and I am learning how to look beyond my anger at the true emotion. Then I have to communicate my emotions/needs to my ADHD spouse in a way he can hear it. When I speak to him with anger, it is not my true self. Therapy and journaling everyday has helped me. I am learning new approaches in therapy which is good because I am tested daily with my ADHD husband even with meds mainly because they have worn off by the time he gets home and our undiagnosed 9 year old daughter who I feel I yell at often for the same things everyday. If I didn't have young children who required so much of my attention, I would probably be in bed on weekends.
Anyways, I am wondering if I need more than just individual therapy. I am 41 and also wondering if this could be a bit hormonal, but I honestly don't think it is - think it has to do more with my environment.
Please share how you make out...
here is my post:
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/do-any-non-adhd-spouses-take-anti-de...
Same boat
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Hi............you are not alone and you are not hormonal. This is the way it is for us, and apparantly it is human nature for the non-adhd spouse to react the way we ALL do. You can see you are not alone when you read the posts on this site. The only thing I know now after coming on the site for a bit is that I am responding in a normal way to the confusion that has been part of my life for many years now, and I did not know why it was there until just a few months ago. I too will be trying some new approaches but I am not happy my effort seems to be greater than his. It seems there is no slack given to me if I don't turn myself around right away with my responses, etc. I still have an ADD spouse too who one day is quite normal in his actions and words and then the next day he is feeling sorry for himself and not wanting to help himself in any way, hard to compete with that! I have also lost a friend or two to this because they are judging me with the way they feel I treat my spouse...............they have no idea the hell I have gone through and how I have been treated.
Soon after the birth of our
Submitted by Ajay on
Soon after the birth of our child, I underwent brief therapy for mild depressive feelings related to my wife's behaviour and that of my in-laws (e.g. my MIL's bipolar behaviour). My relationship with my psychiatrist was very good and after about twelve weeks of talk therapy, I recovered.
Since then I've needed further help in coping with my wife's ADD, and I got into Buddhist mindfulness, which is one of the best things I've ever done in my life. The clarity and acceptance and even joy which it has brought me is priceless. It didn't give me the key to explaining my wife's behaviour adequately - discovering this website did that - but it gave me the calmness, patience, endurance and kindness to pick myself up every day and love my wife.
Buddhist Mindset
Submitted by Suda on
Hi Ajay,
I am just curious if you could share any readings, websites where I could learn more about Buddhist mindset. I do practice yoga sporadically and have been trying to sit quietly at least 10 minutes a day and focus on my breathing. It does help to bring clarity, but I need to practice this skill because while meditating I constantly have thoughts coming in my head. I just acknowledge them and focus back on my breathing. I am curious more about what you to bring clarity, acceptance and peace to your life.
Help for non ADHD spouses
Submitted by Berlie66 on
You are absolutely fine. You are just being faced with something unimaginable that you have to deal with whether you like it or not. You are angry, frustrated and resentful because what you are dealing with is not your "typical" life and you are having to waste/spend alot of energy dealing with it when you could be doing other things. Maybe you can tell by my tone I am in the same boat. I just turned 48 as well and now that I have I am actually realizing that I am getting too old for this. Only I am the one listening to all the experts and doing my part as best as I can to make a bad situation better, but if my spouse is going to be in and out of "reality" I am realizing that I can't do much for him and I will end up leaving, some of these spouses with ADHD get it or get the right meds/treatment and some apparantly do not. I think I do have the "learned helplessness" spouse on my hands. I sometimes feel like I need to be on an anti-depressants as well just because I get anxious when I never know when he is "stable/normal" and when he is going to act like a 2 year old and not understand anything. Then I think I do fall into depression for days because it seems that there is nothing I can do at that point to help the situation. His meds make him irritable and the doctors really don't seem to care, they just prescibe something and send you on your way.
Agreed!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I agree that doctors mostly just prescribe and send you on your way. And on top of that I hate taking any kind of meds. But there are days it's tempting because I'm feeling so down I can't seem to get anything done. Today is one of those days. Bills are piling up and my business is slow (this is normally a slow time but this month seems to be worse than in the past) and hubs has worked only one day in the past 2 months. So yes it's hard not to be resentful, frustrated and scared which seems to roll right into depression. I will be 49 this month and like you said, I'm just too old for this. I need some consistency and stability in my life and I wonder if I will ever have that.