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by: 1Melody1 -
I'd say "it's complicated," but I definitely still loved him. More platonically than when we were in love romantically. And I had learned enough not to wish us together again. Never again. However, once his behaviours affected me less it was easier to see the parts I fell in love with and appreciate them again. It was also easier for him to be that guy again without the family responsibilities. Having said that, there were a couple of years at the end of our marriage I felt the complete opposite. I...>>> on Forum topic - Avoid him entirely?
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by: honestly -
It’s a strange comfort to hear how others’ lives here track one’s own. It diffuses some of the guilt, I think; the sense of failure; it helps clarify the muddied waters. I so often feel like the bad guy - have been made to feel like the bad guy - it’s good to see that really we are all just archetypes in this, cast in a role which is not of our making, and stuck with it until we get out of the relationship. And then beyond, if we continue to hear it.>>> on Forum topic - I’m angry; he isn’t. This makes a change at least.
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by: honestly -
the idea that this anger can be useful - thank you! I already see that now you’ve pointed it out- I’ve been able to say ‘no’ to him and he’s taken it, for once, as a no. In the past he’d always consider my ‘I don’t really want to’ as far less important than his ‘I do want to’ so we’d end up living his life - holidaying with his ex and her family for years, for eg. Taking on commitments he wanted but I had to deal with the repercussions of. Now he just gets No and I there’s nothing he can do about it....>>> on Forum topic - I’m angry; he isn’t. This makes a change at least.
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by: Swedish coast -
Mine wants friendship too after divorce. I don’t. It’s because the only thing he provided for me was exclusive love. I provided that and everything else for the family, including the brunt of finances. He wants me to continue to make his life easier and to take responsibility for him, but without him giving me anything. After him ending our love with abuse, which he claimed was appropriate. Some friend. Honestly, you have a right to be angry. It doesn’t define you, even if it might be all-...>>> on Forum topic - I’m angry; he isn’t. This makes a change at least.
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by: Swedish coast -
Inability in an ADD spouse is not an isolated thing, it’s partly a response to a spouse overcompensating. I cried when I heard my ex, who for more than a decade has extracted absolutely all I had by his passivity, is “doing much better” on his own. Don’t let yourself burn out to warm her.>>> on Forum topic - I guess I’m not convinced…
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by: c ur self -
I get you honestly...Boy, do I get you! When only one produces love and energy toward the other, the product is emotionally and mentally debilitating! We don't share children, but, we share grandchildren...I might see her from time to time (events), and I will be cordial (wish her no ill will) but it will just be coincidence and will stay just as cold/neutral as she has been for most of the past 17 years...>>> on Forum topic - I’m angry; he isn’t. This makes a change at least.
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by: c ur self -
Being present and producing energy, immediately turn's the energy off for some minds...My wife watched me produce energy for 17 years...Now she doesn't have that, (me in her life) and she is magically producing energy again!....It's a miracle! Boundaries can help... c>>> on Forum topic - I guess I’m not convinced…
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by: c ur self -
You've hit the nail with your head! lol....And the enemy wasn't only you...But, by not responding (humbling yourself)...You took out both enemies! Being different is never the problem!...Problems for us mostly occured when thoughtless using, or attempted manipulation/control was happening...But even then if my boundary to not react was honored by myself, it never went further than the attempt...Her efforts to control, and your attentiveness, but, non responsive demeanor was priceless! c>>> on Forum topic - Not Getting Triggered
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by: honestly -
It think this will sound so familiar to a lot of people here. You’re caught up in a situation where you have to parent your partner. We are not supposed to do it (as partners of people with ADHD, according to the guidance here) but what else can you do when the situation is as you describe? Someone has to do the maths and the worrying and the attempts to nudge the partner into more realistic behaviour. And then you get the RSD response where you are the bad guy for even suggesting there’s a problem....>>> on Forum topic - Revenue minus expenses equals income
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by: J -
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” In other words, prepare so well that an enemy will not engage you." In this case, the enemy is myself. "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat." Yes>>> on Forum topic - Not Getting Triggered
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by: J -
You sound like you made the right decision! Enjoying the little things in life again can be so rewarding as well as having the power to live the way you want to. And having a friend who enjoys the same things as you doesn't have to be serious as long as you both enjoy the time together and are on the same page.>>> on Forum topic - One month divorced...
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by: Swedish coast -
Depression symptoms that persist more than a couple of weeks would surely deserve attention? I think also any medical issues might need to be considered? I would seek help from the medical profession.>>> on Forum topic - First Time Request for Help
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by: pennygirl -
Sounds more like my kids dad. We divorced but he still sneaks his way back in somehow thankfully I have my own place I can escape too. He sounds more like a narcissist not adhd I’ve had adhd for years or add. I think mines add. But it makes it harder for me to keep appointments and remember things. But only like apts that are a month off or something. It don’t make you act like him. He’ seems so much like my kids dad. Read about narcissistic personality traits and I bet you’ll find that he is that a...>>> on Forum topic - I'm fed up with the Excuses!
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by: pennygirl -
I just read your post and I am in bed but had to register a account to reply. I have adhd and I usually start projects and take forever to complete and put off doing things to the last minute. I’m always late and forget stuff. But he’s using you. He’s sitting around. Adhd don’t make you not help your wife or not contribute. He could get a desk job or social security disability and allowed to work part time at a desk job. Don’t put up with that. If your at the point you cringe when he touches you. It...>>> on Forum topic - I'm fed up with the Excuses!
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by: Swedish coast -
Did you still love him? Am afraid that’s the issue here. I still love my ex and it’s debilitating. I wouldn’t mind so much seeing him if it wasn’t that he’s treated me like shit, he’s cost me my health and spirit, and I still love him. I trust you when you say reconciliation has been worth all the hard work. From your perspective especially, having lost your ex tragically after all that’s happened already. I’m so sorry for your loss and your child’s. Thank you Melody for your...>>> on Forum topic - Avoid him entirely?
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by: Swedish coast -
So hard to feel the children are hurt by his RSD. My ex used to argue with me loudly at night, waking children, frightening them, making them get up and cry and ask us to stop talking. I tried to quiet him, I even said I wouldn’t accept him raising his voice when they heard him. A boundary I couldn’t ever uphold, until I asked him to move out.>>> on Forum topic - Frustrated
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by: 1Melody1 -
It has only been a year or so and it takes a lot longer to heal from these things. Be kind to yourself. I don't think you need to intentionally put yourself around unsupportive people. You're charting a new course and you can do that your way. I would say in the long run it would be great to be able to do just baseline things together for the kids. It's inevitable that they'll have events you'll both attend, from grads to big games to weddings to performances, etc., and not passing the strain...>>> on Forum topic - Avoid him entirely?
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by: Sanguine -
I'm living this now with two young children in tow. Everything you said. Every time I have the impulse to protect myself, I must instead protect him from any sense of his own failure or wrongdoing. The consequences are too painful otherwise. The children have only made this more impossible. Any indication that they might prefer me is intolerable to him. He will walk right out the door after promising to watch them. Our toddler loses it when he leaves. He has chosen to be absent for large...>>> on Forum topic - Frustrated
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by: Swedish coast -
This now was a few hours ago. I’m recalling several episodes during the last year when I’ve become extremely stressed (crying in public, having sudden intense headaches, extreme exhaustion, talking uncontrollably and emotionally about my divorce to people I should instead be careful around) and realize I have several triggers around this. I can’t control my emotions in certain settings. It’s the holiday house, certain relatives, certain gatherings, certain friends. Possibly it’s about my ex’s...>>> on Forum topic - Avoid him entirely?
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by: 1Melody1 -
C, I've been reading your posts for years and it brings me so much joy to see your happiness pouring out of this one. Enjoy every moment! ❤️>>> on Forum topic - One month divorced...
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