There are a number of posts in our forum from non-ADD spouses who would like to blame their ADD spouses for the troubles in their marriages. I personally think “blame” should be considered a 4-letter word that is banned from all marriages. The fact of the matter is that we are all responsible for the state of our relationships. Or, to paraphrase Newton’s laws of motion, “for every action, there is a reaction”.
If you have both a spouse and a child with ADD, there are some important differences between how you will naturally want to interact with them – differences that can really hurt your relationship with your spouse if you aren’t aware of them.
I am reading the posts of a woman who is about to get married to a man whom she adores who happens to have ADD. She is frustrated and confused by his inability to pay attention to wedding planning. This seems like a great time to elaborate upon what lack of focus means for people with ADD – and for their spouses.
One of the most frequent questions that comes up is one of frustration – “how do I get my ADD spouse to listen to me about our problems?” The short answer is that you can’t if he doesn’t want to, but let me elaborate, as this is clearly at the heart of many struggling marriages.
It's too easy to think that ADD relationships are most often negative or hard. They can be, but don't have to be - which is what this blog is all about. Here's a reflection on the many really wonderful things that my husband’s and my daughter’s ADD bring to our family. I’ve outlined just a few of them below. Perhaps, after reading this, you’ll share some of the joy that ADD brings to your life with readers of this blog.
I've been thinking a great deal lately about how poor communication contributes to the downhill slide of many relationships affected by ADHD. Here are seven basic ideas that will help you get along better with your partner:
Dr. Hallowell often states in his speeches that people with ADHD have only two concepts of time – “now” and “not now”. How true that is! If a project or idea is in front of a person with ADHD it gets done now…or, if not now, then perhaps never! This trait has plusses and minuses in the ADHD marriage.