I posted recently about bed times and got several questions about how to get bedtimes aligned better. I work with couples on this issue with great regularity - those with ADHD often go to bed late, while exhausted non-ADHD partners often go to bed early. Couples miss out on good time to connect when they hit the bedroom at different times. Here are some ideas to help:
I recently heard from a couple with several children, one of whom has ADHD. The husband also has ADHD and is struggling to get his symptoms under control. He rarely follows up on what he promises to do, which is driving his wife crazy. In this context, the husband asked the question "Should we tell our kids about my ADHD? My wife is concerned that she is always coming across as the bad guy, rather than me." Hold up there! Let's discuss both the question and the answer!
I just read a terrific article about how to better understand your ADHD or non-ADHD partner's sense of time - since it is most likely different from yours! Yours, Mine and Hours can be read at this link and is well worth the few minutes it takes to read it.
One of the participants of my couples course recently asked me “You talk about how important it is the measure how you are both doing against your goals…but what does that look like, exactly?” Here is a step-by-step guide to tracking and measuring your progress.
One comment I hear over and over again from non-ADHD spouses is their frustration that "we go through the same problems over and over again. Nothing ever seems to change!" There is a reason for this, as well as a way to interrupt this pattern.
I know what it’s like to be a non-ADD spouse and discover that you no longer like yourself. Many here have the same problem – they have struggled so long, and are so exhausted, that they can no longer find the core of who they are. I would like to share with you my own story of how I moved from disliking myself back to “being me” as well as provide some ideas for change that may help you.
I’ve written here before about how you might approach thinking about whether or not you should marry a person you know has ADHD (see this post), but there is a conversation going on in the forums now that makes we want to write further on the topic.
I have been thinking a lot lately about being responsible for yourself and taking care of yourself. Too many non-ADD spouses subordinate themselves to the issues that ADD brings into their lives and, in so doing, lose themselves (or worse, become someone whom they don’t recognize and don’t like). I think of this as being a victim of the tyranny of ADD. But it doesn’t have to be this way.