As I viewed my posts, it has been over 4 years since I joined this forum. My husband and I have been struggling since married (43 years) and now all has come to a head.
We had serious discussion, set in writing, in February 2025 that he would no longer use retirement funds (in both our names) to support his business. An occurrence 2 weeks ago forced him to make emotional decision to withdraw $100,000 without any word to me until yesterday, December 28 (this was contrary to our agreement in February). I showed him agreement, he acknowledged he did not abide by it, but blamed his bad decision to not tell me due to lack of sleep, emotional distress, etc.
This is not the first time this has occurred. He has shown me who he is, but due to our long marriage and my love for him, I tried to make things work on my own, mostly to my detriment. I now have NO TRUST in him. I will be removing him from all bank accounts today to protect myself.
The past 8 1/2 years have been very hard on both of us as we have cared for all 4 very elderly parents (guardianship, severe dementia in 3 of them, moving to facilities, etc.). Mom is the final one left and will be 96 in March; she is in assisted living now, but as an only child I am daily involved in her care, especially as her memory is now diminishing.
Should I just abandon the long marriage and tell myself this will NEVER change? We have done various therapists over the years but it has not helped (maybe that IS my answer). We were just now starting to revisit doing a “retirement house” that we had to abandon in 2017 when our 3 parents declined. How can I build a new house with someone who will do whatever they feel is necessary for their business at the time, without even keeping me informed?
I am on the verge of retiring (late) since I was continuing to work to save funds for the new house. I now feel as if I have been very foolish in my decisions.
Recommendations appreciated.
Comments
Protect yourself
I’m so sorry about this. ADHD can apparently wreak havoc on a partner’s financial integrity.
I’d recommend to quickly get hold of a lawyer and get help to protect your assets. And no, I wouldn’t ever build a house with a partner who treats agreements like that.
Wishing you all the best.
You're not foolish
I think in retrospect a lot of us feel like we've made foolish decisions (I know I do!), but things build, lives get intertwined and love/hope/family are powerful. Don't blame yourself as you haven't done anything wrong.
I've been with you on this forum for some time and I think you're doing all the right things in protecting yourself financially now. IMO you have given so many chances and the likelihood of change is low. If you can still afford to retire if you split, I think that's something to seriously consider at this point. It's worth speaking to a lawyer if you have any inheritance money, etc. to see what you might walk away with. Logic aside, I also think you're right to pause and think about if someone you can't trust is the person you want to spend your retirement years with. Is he there for you in other ways? Like if you were to become ill, for instance?
I have a friend whose spouse was somewhat similar with money (no ADHD though) and similar to you, she had to take complete control of all the finances. When he was running a failing business that was driving them towards bankruptcy, she gave him a timeline to continue trying to make it profitable and demanded he get full time employment if it wasn't profitable by Date X. She said if he didn't meet her conditions, she was leaving. The business did NOT thrive by the date and he has been working full time for a few years now. It worked for them and they sincerely have one of the best relationships I've ever seen now, but again... no ADHD... so this was a standalone issue. I also understand that you are far past the "giving time to turn things around" phase... if your husband still needs to bring money in (e.g. retirement is not an option for him yet), it may be time for a "get standard employment with a reliable paycheck or I'm out" type of ultimatum.
Take your time to decide if you want to stay or go. It's a big decision and it will become clear for you.