As I viewed my posts, it has been over 4 years since I joined this forum. My husband and I have been struggling since married (43 years) and now all has come to a head.
We had serious discussion, set in writing, in February 2025 that he would no longer use retirement funds (in both our names) to support his business. An occurrence 2 weeks ago forced him to make emotional decision to withdraw $100,000 without any word to me until yesterday, December 28 (this was contrary to our agreement in February). I showed him agreement, he acknowledged he did not abide by it, but blamed his bad decision to not tell me due to lack of sleep, emotional distress, etc.
This is not the first time this has occurred. He has shown me who he is, but due to our long marriage and my love for him, I tried to make things work on my own, mostly to my detriment. I now have NO TRUST in him. I will be removing him from all bank accounts today to protect myself.
The past 8 1/2 years have been very hard on both of us as we have cared for all 4 very elderly parents (guardianship, severe dementia in 3 of them, moving to facilities, etc.). Mom is the final one left and will be 96 in March; she is in assisted living now, but as an only child I am daily involved in her care, especially as her memory is now diminishing.
Should I just abandon the long marriage and tell myself this will NEVER change? We have done various therapists over the years but it has not helped (maybe that IS my answer). We were just now starting to revisit doing a “retirement house” that we had to abandon in 2017 when our 3 parents declined. How can I build a new house with someone who will do whatever they feel is necessary for their business at the time, without even keeping me informed?
I am on the verge of retiring (late) since I was continuing to work to save funds for the new house. I now feel as if I have been very foolish in my decisions.
Recommendations appreciated.
Comments
Protect yourself
I’m so sorry about this. ADHD can apparently wreak havoc on a partner’s financial integrity.
I’d recommend to quickly get hold of a lawyer and get help to protect your assets. And no, I wouldn’t ever build a house with a partner who treats agreements like that.
Wishing you all the best.
You're not foolish
I think in retrospect a lot of us feel like we've made foolish decisions (I know I do!), but things build, lives get intertwined and love/hope/family are powerful. Don't blame yourself as you haven't done anything wrong.
I've been with you on this forum for some time and I think you're doing all the right things in protecting yourself financially now. IMO you have given so many chances and the likelihood of change is low. If you can still afford to retire if you split, I think that's something to seriously consider at this point. It's worth speaking to a lawyer if you have any inheritance money, etc. to see what you might walk away with. Logic aside, I also think you're right to pause and think about if someone you can't trust is the person you want to spend your retirement years with. Is he there for you in other ways? Like if you were to become ill, for instance?
I have a friend whose spouse was somewhat similar with money (no ADHD though) and similar to you, she had to take complete control of all the finances. When he was running a failing business that was driving them towards bankruptcy, she gave him a timeline to continue trying to make it profitable and demanded he get full time employment if it wasn't profitable by Date X. She said if he didn't meet her conditions, she was leaving. The business did NOT thrive by the date and he has been working full time for a few years now. It worked for them and they sincerely have one of the best relationships I've ever seen now, but again... no ADHD... so this was a standalone issue. I also understand that you are far past the "giving time to turn things around" phase... if your husband still needs to bring money in (e.g. retirement is not an option for him yet), it may be time for a "get standard employment with a reliable paycheck or I'm out" type of ultimatum.
Take your time to decide if you want to stay or go. It's a big decision and it will become clear for you.
Taking my time to decide
Thank you for your input and kind words. I am taking my time to make a decision about my future. Husband can retire, but he wishes to keep working for a variety of reasons (he deals mainly with senior citizens and feels as if he is the only one who actually cares about them). I am going to find a new counselor. Husband states he will go to counseling with me, but will see what that means. At this point, I am beyond angry, but am just very sad it has come to this after so many years together. How can a person be so blind to what their actions/inaction causes to their relationship?
Is this normal?
I attempted to have a talk with husband yesterday, but it really digressed into a bad situation. He feels as if estate funds from his parents are “his” and I should have no say in how he spends them, even though these are the only retirement funds he has for himself. I tried to discuss what he has spent on supporting his business over the last 5 years (a VAST amount from estate funds, parents’ life insurance, and his IRA that he closed out), but he acted as if I was predicting the worst for the future. It is almost as if he has on blinders to his business and feels as if he should spend whatever he feels is appropriate to keep it going.
Husband also mentioned that I am hypercritical since I point out when he leaves a mess (jam over kitchen counters and fridge handles); he claims he regularly cleans up after me without a word — sorry I do not appreciate getting my hands in jam when I come home to make supper! I fully admit I am a very tidy person and am particular about how I keep my kitchen and house.
I am at a loss how to proceed. I am scared he will continue to use the remainder of retirement funds to which he has access (since he took funds out in February 2025 and now December 2025 without a word to me). My retirement funds are in my name only, but am uncertain I can support BOTH of us if he uses up all his funds for his business.
He has a progressive neuromuscular disease that he has ignored for years. There is no cure, but he is already on a walker full time (in the house only since he refuses to use one outside the house - uses a walking stick that is dangerous at best) and I feel as if he will be in a wheelchair/mobility chair sooner than he thinks. He will most likely need personal care as time goes on (that I will not be able to provide due to my own health issues) but appears to be blind to this as well.
I am up at 4 AM today worried and scared. He has agreed to see counselor, but will he ever see the actual facts of the situation or will he only see what he wants to see (must support his business no matter the cost)?
Reciprocity
It’s not normal. Your husband seems delusional, focusing on his business but ignoring his health issues, your financial future, and also your practical future. Does he think he has no responsibility to help secure your situation ahead? Does he think he can count on your care and compassion, but not offer you the same?
Unfortunately this blindness for what is fair and reciprocating seems to affect some ADHDers. I for one have seen this painfully close. It means one has trusted one’s partner’s good intentions over time, only to realize too late one has been exploited.
They didn’t mean to. They didn’t see it either. But to the used one, that really isn’t much comfort.
I agree with Melody. Do consider carefully if you want to be in this relationship and be dependent on him.
No longer angry…….just sad
I appreciate the comments and insights. I have an appointment on January 12 for a new therapist for myself. I am no longer as angry but am just sad that husband cannot find a way to work on the relationship himself. I was hoping that after 48 years (43 of marriage), he would think more of me and our partnership but guess not. I am uncertain where I will end up, but I know I am strong enough to take steps necessary to protect me and my future financial well being. If I was vindictive, I would go ahead and empty our joint retirement account to keep him from taking the funds for his business, but that is not who I AM. So sad he cannot be trusted to do the same for me.
Hugs
Hey Neuchatel, I hope you find the therapist helpful. I happened to luck out with a great one who helped me find clarity in just a couple of sessions. I wish the same for you.
Moving Forward
I am looking forward to my appointment on January 12 with a new therapist. I also have called an attorney to begin the process of protecting my financial future. I do believe it takes as much effort to keep a marriage as to end it, and do not want to divorce, but need to find out what to do to protect myself since husband appears to have no intention to do so.
Initial phone consult with attorney made me feel somewhat better as husband’s non profitable business is NOT normal, and my concerns are well founded. I feel foolish for not having taken these steps earlier in the marriage, but guess we all can say that at one time or another. Right now, I am just trying to keep it all together while continuing to work, care for Mom, and live in same house as husband. He appears to have NO idea as to what I am thinking/planning — too involved with his clients and their needs — same story as always.
I never thought I might be starting over in my mid-60s, but hope I have the strength to see this through.