“What time is it?”
“7:55”
“What time did I say I would be here?”
“8:00”
Big cheesy grin…“That’s right.”
This simple conversation occurred after years of perpetual ‘lateness’ became a source of contention and misperception in my relationship with my ADHD Partner. I often felt put on the back burner and couldn’t reconcile his feeling for me with his seeming thoughtlessness in honoring our plans. For years, not much explanation was given other than something along the lines of “It’s not about you.”
A few weeks after these short exchanges started he added, “You know this has to do with my ADHD”……..
Ahhh……. what? The subject of ADHD had come up before in passing and the only thing I understood was that school had been more challenging for him than I had known. This was the first time the impact of living with ADHD, as it affects other areas of life, had even passed through my mind. After spending hours with my friend, Google, I was on the floor- stunned by story after story of other’s experiences that mirrored my own.
As I began to understand ADHD, I also started to truly appreciate the effort being made to be on time.
My perception of his tardiness had always been more than simple time management - it was a statement of what those actions said about how he valued me.
We were taught that actions speak louder than words, right?
My intuition told me that his intentions where in earnest but when the actions often did not match I was confused and frustrated. The more I learned about ADHD, the more my perceptions shifted and communication about issues became easier for both of us. There was much truth in his saying “It was not about me”, the Non-ADHD Partner. IT was that confusing undefined factor. IT was ADHD.
Here are a few strategies to combat the impact of poor time sense in your relationship:
- Detailed color-coded calendars (bonus points if you sync your calendars)
- Consider and include travel time when scheduling
- Alarm reminders
- Touching base with your partner when you are scheduled to leave. This helps corral those “just one more thing” ideas and adds motivation to just get out the door. This one was a key strategy for us.
ABOUT KIMBER NELSON: Kimber Nelson is the founder of ADHD Partners and a student coach trainer on the faculty of JST Coaching & Training. Kimber specializes in working with frustrated Non-ADHD Partners who are ready to take back control of their lives. www.ADHDPartners.com
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Re: ADHD Partners and Time - Being Late Isn't Just About Time M
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
It can be even more personal and hurtful. My wife often tells me she wants to "have a date tomorrow night"--code for sex after the kids are in bed. sometimes, I wind up waiting, and waiting. She has found something on the internet. She is talking to a friend of the phone. She is watching a TV show. Sometimes, she comes up to bed but seems to have completely forgotten. Or she is too tired. Or she may sabotage the plans by impulsively blurting out something like, "Let's have family movie night" and thus stay up too late (the kids, especially our daughter, are not very good with having bells unrung.)
I have explained to her how emotionally shredding this is to me.
A complicating factor is ED. I often take the pill in preparation for the "date" she herself suggested, and then find it wasted. I have a limited supply (4 per month). (In the past, she has been hostile to the idea of me using ED pills. The most recent period when she was really interested in having sex often was after the ED came up and she wanted to prove that I did not need the pills. She became extremely disappointed one time after she told me happily, "See, we did it without any pill!" and I admitted that, gee, I had taken a pill.) I have asked her to just communicate with me--If tonight is not going to be good for sex, give me enough warning so that I do not waste an ED pill.
When we do try to have sex, she will often complain that it hurts because "we are out of practice." I feel like asking, "and why is that?" But I bite my tongue in hopes of avoiding a fight and actually having sex.
She also actively denies reality by repeatedly telling me that her record has been getting better, and I feel manipulated into either agreeing or at least not saying the truth about her recent record out of FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.) I recently suggested that she talk to her therapist about some of these issues and how they may be related to ADHD. She 1) accused me of dictating what she should discuss with her therapist--i suggested she talk to him because she was going on about how she did not have time to see anyone else about it. and 2) Turned herself into a victim: How could I say such mean and hurtful things about her (about how she has mistreated me)?
What's up with this?
Submitted by sickandtired on
I wonder how much of the lateness is a control issue. My x used to refuse to get ready to go out on an outing, stating that he could get ready sooo much faster than me (even though it wasn't a competition). I would dress, do makeup, telling him I was almost ready, but he refused to do a thing. He would just insist on sitting on the couch until I was literally standing by the front door with my purse in hand, ready to walk out. Only THEN would he slowly get up, and start considering getting ready by saying, "OK........ what shirt should I wear? ...maybe I should take a shower?? ...where is my wallet??? ....what have YOU done with my car keys????"
Then when we were invariably at least 30 minutes late, he would tell others that it took me forever to get ready. BLAMING it all on ME! Boy, it is so nice not to be with him any more!
Same Here
Submitted by jennalemone on
EXACTLY the same! Last minute thing. I now tell DH that I am leaving at X time ready or not. Then when he is not ready....still in old dirty clothes when it is time to leave, I leave. When I arrive, it is HIM who is late, if he decides to come, and not me. Friends and family know that this is the way it goes at our house now. (If it is his own family event he dallies for, I let us both be late....not wanting to arrive without him).
DH has shown me for 40 years that he wants to be independent and thinks of himself as independent. Now, I listen to what he is telling me with his actions. I must decide to accept that he lives an independent life from me or, if I want a partnering, intimate, caring relationship, I must leave him and find it somewhere else. Nothing I do is going to change him....he has shown me over and over. I can't WANT or NEED him to be any different than he is. When we had young children, I did not act out these scenerios of expecting cooperation and respect. I thought I was "keeping the peace and showing a united front) for the sake of the children. I would stuff the frustration inside of me. Now I realize that I should have done these scenerios of leaving him behind when he is not ready from the beginning so the children could learn how to respond when someone is being an uncooperative jerk to you.
You are so correct
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are so correct about the role model you project to the children about how to appropriately handle this uncooperative behavior.
I usually take only about 30 minutes to shower, dress, etc. and get out the door, and he knew the scheduled arrival times, including driving times. I waited each time for him to finally be ready, sometimes an extra hour, and stuffed the emotions I felt when we would arrive late, and he would end up being the center of attention apologizing for MY taking so long. "You know how women are..." Anyway, when I decided I had enough of sopping up and enduring the consequences of his behaviors, I ended the relationship.
I totally agree that our partners' behaviors tell you who they are. I saw that I was not going to have intimacy, friendship, or even the benefit of a doubt from the person I was living with. I was living with someone who competed with me and resented me, and was NEVER satisfied. Being late and shaming me for it was one of his ways of controlling me. So I left because he was NOT a loving, intimate, caring partner.
My time vs our time
Submitted by Chevron on
Reading this thread and appreciating it. There's nothing wrong with Kimber's tips about using reminder systems, to deal with tardiness in being ready for an event with a fixed time. I agree with the rest of you that there's a whole lot more to how a couple in a marriage or long term relation use time.
As you've said, one partner's use of time can personally hurt or frustrate the partner who is no-showed. It's even a time matter to decide to delay facing the music of one's spouse's frustration, exasperation, or hurt, until having arrived in a group, and decide only then to lie about the tardiness, banking, for one thing, on the group members and one's spouse not in that circumstance wanting to call the lie out because after all, the gathering is not the place for intimate laundry to be washed. That's timing, you know, choosing the better time to try to get away with a lie. So for sure, both partners, not just the non ADHD one, use time, to obtain outcomes.
My husband doesn't pull that stunt, of waiting to lie until in a group, as an attempt, to cover up his lack of execution of what he agreed to.
But even given our multiple decades in the work world, both of us having had to meet many, many deadlines, we don't have an "easy time" with time coordination. A list of some of our areas
He schedules his own time. When he does it, he rarely or very rarely schedules anything other than what he determines for himself that he is going to do.
He books himself solid. He cannot very easily change his schedule when he's in the middle of it. There's an ADHD component to this. Its impact on the relation is that if he has scheduled himself solid, there's no time for me in his schedule and/or he cannot easily adapt the schedule he's executing, if he can't complete a task he planned, or a spontaneous opportunity arises. He was booking me right out of his life, with his (necessary, very often) rigidity in setting up his schedule with only himself in mind and pursuing it.
Only occasionally does he think about us doing things together in his scheduled sequence of things he's going to do, and very often in these occasional things he thinks about regarding the two of us, he doesn't tell me he has that event in mind for us. C and I have exchanged posts about this in the past.
It's as if what I do with my time and execution of responsibilities doesn't much exist in his head. I've lived alone about half of my adult life, so it hasn't been disturbing to return to my habits of pursuing my own appointments, timed tasks and obligations.
It was a little startling at first, but then he's the first person with ADHD I've known, that he didn't keep a thread of attention somewhere going in the back of his mind, like I do, that sympathetically remembers what he said he needed to do and attended to how he was doing with his obligations. I've not had conversations with other people about whether they have a quiet eye out for how their partner is getting along during the day, but I presumed this was something that most people did. When he's in his mental world, I definitely am in not now (of the now/not now thing), and really don't much exist to him. So the result he doesn't care about my schedule. Which is all right.
Time? How about....repetition...? My well loved husband drives me up the bleeping wall with repetitions and forgetting things over and over and over again sometimes. That to me is a huge, huge time expenditure. Had I not had the intensive care of my elderly parents, I'd be worse off emotionally about the mindbending amount of time given over to repetitions and forgetting in our house My husband definitely gets the payoff of my having learnt patience with this, with my elderly parents. He has no such patience with me.
I think that now/not now thinking is deeply at the root of a lot of partnering problems.
Lying component to time management
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Chevron:
That's interesting the way you put it - the quiet eye of attention. If I had to sum up our major difficulty, it is not having that quiet eye of attention. As I go about my day, I do consider others I am responsible for and care about. Not so with husband. I suppose it is an ADHD component. IDK. The net result is that I don't feel cared for in part because I'm not being cared for in the way I care for others.
I also agree that there is a lying or lack of communication component to time management problems. My husband is very punctual regarding work and events. In fact, I was about to say he usually waits on me BUT I was always the one who was running around getting the kids ready and being concerned with logistics and materials. I retract that thought. He showered and showed up. I am punctual. My husband's time management problems have more to do with breaking promises and not being honest about expectations.
For example, he always paid attention to work. Work was always first. Therefore, he wouldn't commit to a breakdown of chores. More than that, if "work" came up, he couldn't distinguish between necessary or not and he would bail out of plans in a New York second because of "work". It is my subjective opinion that work belongs in quotation marks. He always felt he had to put me and the family second to work. His peers at work had no trouble leaving to book a vacation or for a family obligation. In fact, my husband actually rescinded on plans to go to a B & B for a weekend two hours before our departure time. He left home very early in the morning to work As you might imagine, he was still "needed" at work later in the day. It's very, very hard to take this kind of behavior.
Similarly, two birthdays ago, I asked him to go hiking with me. I had joined a new group and didn't know anyone. It was a free activity and a gorgeous day. I found out later that he had told two neighbors and and a friend that he would probably not go with me because of "stuff to do". What happened? He told me a half hour before departure time.
Supposed to go out for a weekend activity? Starts cleaning the car a half hour before we leave. What's my problem? Is it his FAULT he wants a clean car? That was his actual answer.
Anyway, I've battled with trying to figure out my husband's dishonesty. To me, taking advantage of someone else's time and not being forthright is also a form of dishonesty. With the exception of the B & B cancellation, a simple "I don't want to do it" would have been perfectly okay with me. I am self sufficient. It's okay. Or maybe he banks on the self sufficiency and uses it as an excuse?
Chevy, VaBeach
Submitted by c ur self on
The time management issues, the repetition, the constant hunt for things, aren't a problem in our marriage (It's constant and should always be expected)....The problem for me occurs when I allow my mind to think it can be another way...
The moment I start thinking I know what life should be like for us as a unit....2=1, Partners, Husband & Wife....How ever you want to state the Unity a married couple is capable of having...That is the moment internal anxiety become a possibility for me...
It's not that we can't enjoy many of the same things....It's the level of priority it holds in our life....That priority is always visible in our pursuits....(Time, Attention, Care)....VaBeach's point of her husband's actions toward "Work", makes it quiet clear his priorities....There is always under lying things not easily understood when it comes to our level of commitment to our jobs as bread winners....But, when clear decisions keep being made w/ no remorse to place our jobs ahead of our spouse and/or children, then the priorities really don't need spoken, they are very clear...(It's not so shocking when we accept and expect it)
Is out of site out of mind a larger component for some minds? Absolutely:)...But does that mean that the person who is living in that hyper focus state much of the time hindered in their love for their spouse?...Absolutely Not!....Not all minds have the ability to hold on to a continual awareness of those they love at all times...Deep thinkers can be lost to their surroundings at times (I am one)...Some more than others....
If we brand these traits (the ability/ or inability of a person's mind) as a negative, or as an intentional act, we open ourselves up for anxiety and frustration....
We've talked on this forum many times about life management skills, based on the the difference's between our thinking and the things we place importance on...It's critical for me to accept what is capable of transpiring in our relationship...I try to stay away from my desire for it.....I can choose my path, that is all....
C
Detachment
Submitted by Chevron on
A colleague at work once chided me when I uttered frustration at my employer's once again having left all of the company's employees in the dark about a policy change then lectured them for not having acted according to new policy. She said, "you know, you should think like a yogi, detached from all, able to let it all flow by."
I said, "X, Hindu yogis can attain and maintain an advanced state of detachment because long earlier, they decided to remove themselves from close contact with other people, to go live in solitude in a forest."
Detached acceptance of another person looks different if that person lives at a distance than it does if the couple chooses to or must do things in common.
I wish you well, and respect the path that you've chosen, C.
Chevron
LOL...
Submitted by c ur self on
On the job politics....LOL...I wouldn't have been chiding you, I would have been helping you;)...There are a few things I know about my marriage, I choose it....And I'm going to do the best I can to manage my life in order for us to have a healthy loving relationship...As much is possible under the circumstances....
I probably wouldn't make a good yogi...I love fellowship and intimacy to much....The twinkle in her smiling blue eyes....The warmth of a long embrass....Laughing and holding hands as we walk along the River Walk....
You know Chevy, I've really really enjoyed hearing from you....I've watched your posts change to some degree...Change as in what you seem willing to post...It's nice to be able to share our thoughts and hearts here....
I lost my sweet Mother this past week; (84) She had endured much pain and abuse in this life...But she kept her faith...She is home now, no more pain, no more sickness, no more tears....
Blessings Sister....
Acceptance of reality:)
C
May your mother rest in God's peace, C
Submitted by Chevron on
My prayers for her and for you and your family C. I'm so glad your mother is out of pain.
C, you're on my heart
Submitted by Chevron on
How are you?
Hi Chevy....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Sister, I'm fine, thanks for asking. I've been read only for a month or so...It's been a lot going on w/ Mother's stroke and death...As you know death of a love one is always hard on us, even when we understand and believe in the eternal, it is still hard on our hearts.....
My wife retired a month ago, and she loves to travel, so, since we have been getting alone so much better I agreed to do somethings with her...I guess we will be going to Italy in December...Her dream has been for us to go to Europe....So pray for us :)....She wants to find a new job after the first of the year, or go back to her present one...They will hire her back like she was a new employee after she has been retired for 90 days...And they need trained people terribly, so that is an option...
The Lord has really given me peace with everything, I am so thankful....
How about you? How are you?....I've been reading you most days...
C
no longer shocked
Submitted by vabeachgal on
C:
I am no longer shocked that this is my life or my husband's reality or his choice. However, along the road to get to this place, I experienced profound hurt. I accept that is the way "it" is but I don't accept that this is all that there is in life for me. I can accept the circumstances but I cannot accept moving forward this way. He HAS spoken to me, via actions, about his priorities. If you were to ask him, he might say that I was a priority, but he was not able to align his life in a way that demonstrated that intention. There are numerous posts here about "intentions" versus reality and actions. I don't know how to say it except to say I no longer want half a life. If I'm essentially alone, I'd rather be really alone without worrying about how someone else's actions or non actions affect me. I mean, I've been pretty alone for a long time but my husband's stuff has still caused a lot of distress and pain. Enough.
A little while ago, my daughter said, "Mom, your needs are so simple, not complicated, why can't he get it?" There's the thing.
Well said, VBG
Submitted by c ur self on
I had also gotten to this place months back...When I ask her to leave, if everything about her responsibilities as a wife offended her...I told her I wanted her to live out her life peacefully as do I....To her credit she has been quiet a different person the past several months....There is effort, and there is a much better attitude...The victim stuff has been disappearing...
When Chevy posted (a few months ago) the post about it takes two people doing the work to have a marriage....It was like a light came on in me...I realized most of my pain and frustration had been built around me trying to do the work for the both of us, for a very long time (denial of reality)...Because of my faith, and my desire for succuss in all points of life, It was hard to come to peace w/ leaving being the best option for the two of us....But evidently it turned on a light for her when she realized I had actually reach this point...
When a person is comfortable even in dysfunctional situations, It's very hard to trust a different path...A path where they feel like they have to change themselves, or give up the illusion of control they think they have on life situations.....
I truly understand your feelings....
C
Does our marriage offend you?
Submitted by jennalemone on
"When I ask her to leave, if everything about her responsibilities as a wife offended her...I told her I wanted her to live out her life peacefully as do I."
This is EXACTLY the words I needed today to put my feelings about us into a clear thought. It does seem to me as though the responsibilities of marriage and family DO offend my husband. He reacts to me like I am being offensive for having any expectations of him at all. In other words, he likes the marriage and family only when it serves him....when there is a party or events that I have planned with other people....then he arrives like "the birthday boy" and has expectations of a party in his honor. The older I get the clearer this all gets in my mind because I am allowing myself to remove the optimist hope for a perspective of history, knowing how the outcome of our story is closing in on. No more hoping for a happy ending. Our time is nearly over to write a new chapter of our love and marriage. It is turning out to be a cautionary tale...a heartbreaker.
I would guess to say that if he looked at our life together, he would say it is a proud book of accomplishment by him. He "made it" to social security. That is all that he has aspired to...."getting by without doing too much". And believing himself to be smart with his "What, Me Worry?" perspective on life.
Hi Jen....
Submitted by c ur self on
Jen I found out my worry or anxiousness was and is always there when I allow my mind to fall in the mind trap, that my spouses actions and priorities reflect on me, or even worse, thinking I can change them....I have to keep reminding my self that God's word tells me to fear not, and to be anxious over nothing....
When I came to the place where I finally told her to leave, I was at peace with what ever she did...I just knew what had been going on between us wasn't really healthy, nor did it please the Lord or either of us....So?
It's takes two doing the work, and as many here know it can be quiet a bitter pill when one is doing most of the work, most of the encouraging....If we aren't careful we will find ourselves in a bad place mentally and emotionally trying to carry another adult....(Been there way to often) It's not God's will that we do that....
Blessings Jen
C
Vabeachgirl, yes, there's a tendency to try to hide messups
Submitted by Chevron on
As you say, sometimes the time management fail can be covered up (or the attempt is made) by lying, at other times is an obviously calculated decision to omit telling people something. Or other tactics that we read about sometimes on this site, an exaggerated belligerance, that attempts to shut down the people who are affected by the time management fail.
...about the lying or the misrepresentation through deliberate omission of information, I once had a circuitous back and forth with someone who had Asperger's, not ADHD, online, about what constitutes lying. His standards for what was a lie and what was not a lie were all related to himself. He didn't consider it a lie either to make something up or to omit mention of something key, deliberately creating a false impression, if what he was doing was taking care of himself. If what he was doing was taking care of himself, none of that was lying. And he absolutely would not accept that there were any other definitions of what constituted a lie than what he decided for his own best interest at the moment. He didn't accept that there were general social definitions of lying...he proudly thought he was a special intellectual, and that people using social conventions of morality were as he called them, sheeple. Nor would he accept at all, nor even tolerate reading, my own definitions and standards of lying. He got really huffy about that and tried to shout me down online (which is impossible). He couldn't even tolerate reading something that wasn't his self serving, fluid, on the spot definitions.
Drumroll..... cymbal crash. Now THAT is extreme self centeredness.
Your description of your husband's standing you up two hours before a long planned trip to a B&B, which of course not only involved the gesture of sharing a good time with you, but also reservations and a host of other commitments tied my stomach in knots to read. I'm so sorry he put you through that. My husband overall is not at person to pull this kind of thing, even through I'm not on his horizon a lot. He's working on this relation with me, and I'm deeply grateful for that. We are figuring out how to do some things better, over time. Other things likely will always need to be dealt with, if they have to do with his ADHD or my not having it. I tell you though, one time, we had talked for months about taking a shared vacation in a time slot in which we both were available to do that, in a favorite place for both of us. It wasn't just a "wouldn't it be nice if" conversation one time. It was repeatedly talking about it as somethnig to look forward to doing together again in one of our favorite places. Do you know what he did? Near the time of the trip, he invited a buddy of his to take a mancation with him in that favorite place of ours! He didn't ....what....remember? that he and I had been talking about goign there for 6 months? When he invited his buddy, it was NOT to join us...he didn't think about me at all. The buddy said yes, not knowing any of this of course.
Va, you know, and I know you know, that no some things are not to be tolerated, with meek acceptance. No they aren't. I accept a lot of things that happen in our house. I begin by trusting that my husband loves me. I begin by understanding that he has a different mental grasp on attention, on memory and on executing what he committed to than I do. He has a different toolkit, biologically, than I do, regarding those things. I don't NEED to be lectured that he is his own precious individuality. Of course he is! Of course people are. Of course you and I are, too. Yes, yes, there needs to be a high quotient of acceptance and trust in a HEALTHY relationship.
But in my opinion there are fails, and deliberate coverups that are 'way beyond the pale, and yes they need to be called out, in relation, or in some way dealt with so that the consequences of the fail or coverup are not absorbed by the person failed, but by the person who did the fail. I'm no judge of other people's moral life, and I don't have much anger in my relationship, although I certainly am not the doormat with no sense of myself that I was.
That time, however, I blew up, and I have no compunction that I showed my husband my sadness and anger that he had either forgotten me (this is more likely, knowing his personality) or deliberately edited me out of that shared vacation we were planning. I didn't treat him like a baby. I told him what he had done and what the impact on me of forgetting me on my own vacation with him was. I told him that no I wasn't going to mommy him by dealing with his anxiety by agreeing to go as a third wheel on a vacation that he announced to his friend as a guys trip. I told him that I also wouldn't be making anything socially uncomfortable with that friend of his present, I wouldn't be sulking. But I told my husband that I didn't want him ever to do that to me again. I don't use what I once read in therapeutic literature described as an "injunction", which is a rule for all time very often at all. I don't need to with my husband, and I don't need to use them generally in life very often at all. But I sure laid that one on him. No matter what amnesia my husband has about something that was repeatedly discussed and agreed on, there is NO reason for him to do that to another person and then not even have to go through witnessing what he did to her.
I am so sorry that you went through that over the B&B vacation. I so agree that except for big long planned events like your vacation and mine, in which the couple has been on the same page for a long time, often a brief "I cant do that today" or "I don't want to do that activity" is all that it takes, life goes on. Yes, it is handling time and timed communications dishonestly, often.
In our case, I think my husband didn't remember me. Although he did remember the vacation, and the timing in which he, at least, was going on the vacation. I don't know what that is. I know my husband loves me and likes to spend time with me. But remembering himself going on vacation but not remembering me going with him was I'd say black belt level amnesia.
All best to you
I didn't hide
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Absolutely. I didn't hide my feelings of dismay, anger, hurt and disappointment in that case. I didn't hide in a separate room to sulk. I let him see all of it. I didn't cover for his feelings and let him off the hook. It was, of course, all non refundable and it is a trip I planned for us and therefore paid for. I made him pay me back. I told him to either pay me himself or go to his employer and ask for reimbursement, if that was truly the circumstances. I explained very clearly that almost no one else in the world would have trouble telling an employer that there was a pre planned and pre paid vacation at stake and few employers would tell said employee to take a hike.
I actually think part of the reason he didn't want to go was that he didn't want to be in a position to spend any of "his" money during the weekend. That sure backfired on him. I am 100% sure the employer did not compensate him. I got in the car with my sister. And I never planned another trip for us after that.
Your comment that your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Your comment that your husband booked you right out of his life rings a bell for me. Six years ago, my then-husband participated in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) for people with serious mental health disorders, in his case, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It is my understanding that one of the things he worked on with the staff was creating a schedule for his life that fall (the IOP was three weeks long, in the summer). Per the schedule and a plan that was presented to me as a fait accompli, he spent 3 or 4 days per week at his parents' home, working as their caregiver. The remaining days he stayed at our home and worked as a tutor. What was on his schedule for a typical day at home was getting up; getting dressed and having breakfast; driving to his job, approximately 25 minutes away; working 5 or 6 hours; coming back home; going to the bathroom; taking a shower; having supper (usually with me); and decompressing. Remarkably, even with this schedule, according to which he usually was home by 4 p.m., he had time to do only one chore, once per week (vacuuming) and no time to do anything with me except have supper.
Because this schedule had the approval of his mental-health team at the IOP, I felt that in essence, they and he had agreed that I was dispensable.
Not Dispensable
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Not dispensable. You were the strong one, not in need of intervention, who was expected to carry on without support. You were deemed not in need of help.
This should never have happened sickandtired....
Submitted by c ur self on
You had no boundaries...All you had to do to break him was to leave him a few times...What you have described here isn't the effects of adhd... It's just selfishness and a sad attempt to control the situation (show you who is boss).....I can definitely see why you say it's nice to not be subjected to these actions any more....
C
General Observations
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Everybody: Good thread that rings true to me. There are patterns on this forum. I am speaking now in generalizations - not to take away from anyone's individuality - just to make a point (or points). There are things that people with ADHD have problems with that their spouses have problems dealing with : time management issues, distractibility, angry outbursts, lies, problems managing money, low frustration tolerance, messiness, tendency to have addictions, self-absorption. Other people have these problems too, but the benefit of knowing that ADHD is an actual disorder with a physiologic basis (that a person has life-long; it's not curable) is that we can TRY to see the cause of these behaviors as neurological rather than as intentional malevolent behavior against other people (namely us - the spouses). Unfortunately I think we also have to accept that the person with ADHD cannot change most of these things - at least not very much. That leaves us with the choice to accept them the way they are or to leave. We can learn ways to react (or not react) that can help us avoid some of the pitfalls or help us maximize the strengths in our relationships. Those are valuable skills. The forum seems to have two main themes - one is to empathize and sympathize with people going through experiences that we also go through and so we are supportive and understanding of each other's difficulties and don't judge. The other is to encourage each other to develop those skills that allow us to better our relationships DESPITE the presence of ADHD, because we can't change the ADHD and we can't change other people. We can change ourselves and we can benefit from changing ourselves and maybe benefit others as well. We need encouragement for this because it is HARD. This forum has helped me a great deal because it reminds me over and over that so many of the issues in my relationship with my spouse are almost certainly due to ADHD and they make sense in that context and I understand why so little progress is made to solve all the problems and I don't feel angry when I think this way. I do still feel sad and anxious and yes, hopeless (low hope ?) partly because the forum also makes clear that for many people in the same situation that I am in there hasn't been an adequate solution. So... I understand the decisions to leave because I understand the negative thoughts and emotions that happen when a lot of these dysfunctional behaviors are so pervasive as they are in ADHD-impacted couples and I value the hard-earned wisdom of everyone who has shared the ways they've learned to help themselves within the context of these relationships. I really enjoy hearing individuals' stories - thankyou everyone who shares!
ADHD might have a physiologic
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
ADHD might have a physiologic basis but that does not mean it's not treatable or that it is immutable. Not being able to walk for physiological reasons is much different than finding it difficult to stick to a schedule for physiological reasons.
I do not believe that most behaviors of a person with ADHD cannot be changed. All of them, all the time? Probably not. Most of them, some of the time? Yes.
Professionals agree
Submitted by Chevron on
ADHD individual and couples counseling, and ADHD coaching are specialties that exist based on the presumption that many behaviors of a person with ADHD can change. These counselors wouldnt be in business if they weren't succeeding in helping people with ADHD believe they can change, learn how to change and learn how to execute change.
Yes...Absolutely!
Submitted by c ur self on
Absolutely:), Thank goodness for a spirit that drives us into self awareness! I think the problem in most of our lives and marriages is the simple denial..."Im fine".....LOL...Your not fine!!! "We are not fine"....
Yes, there is help and growth for those of us who can humbly seek it....
C
"For where your treasure is; there your heart is also"
And to think I thought this was just my house...
Submitted by jackieva on
I am new to this blog, I am midway through the book. The book has been a lifesaver already. What I have read thus far in the book and here on the blog is like someone had a hidden camera and tape recorder in my home for the last 20 years.
I have ADHD/medicated, son (15) does/medicated, son (14) does not, and DH has it, non-treated. Sometimes I honestly feel his time management is a reason to light my fuse, so then I become the out of control raging maniac. If it is an event or get together, our friends already know we will arrive separately. It is a running joke. Then I see our couple friends who not only arrive together, but the husband will open/close the wife's car door! To envision that will be me one day receiving that treatment is my secret fantasy. I don't care if we have a 1970 rusty jalopy!
When we do have to ride together as a family ( a day at the soccer field with the kids, isn't this why we brought the extra large SUV in the first place?) is 99% of the time like this. DH- "What time are we leaving?" Me- " 1:00 sharp" (purposely adding 30 extra minutes in there, we really need to leave at 1:30). DH- "Great! I will be ready" Then I spend the next 90 minutes packing the day bag for the kids, making sure they are getting ready, checking on him every 15 minutes to remind him the time, running back and forth between the kids rooms, and his den checking on status, me usually half naked or in a towel. Finally at 12:59, kids ready, I'm ready, check on DH; he started a poker game online, or is still in underwear watching ESPN. When I say: "let's go", he replies; " Already? It's not 1:00! Then he runs to put on clothes, brush teeth, etc. By the time he gets to the car, it's 1:20. He does not factor in possible traffic, delays, etc. which infuriates me because if the kids are not there to check-in at a specific time, they do not play. I don't understand why he insists on putting us in this horrible predicament every Saturday.
I find myself fantasizing about the other families/dads who arrive at 9:00 am for a 2:00 check-in. What's wrong with being early for a change? There have been countless times my sons had to run to the check in station in full sprint, coaches texting us, stalling the referees, etc. all for our tardiness. Some parents have jobs they leave early and beat us there. We are at home doing nothing. But if I remind him of the time; I'm nagging him, complaining, treating him like a child, etc. I can't win for losing.