Calling Non-ADD Spouses - Your Tips for Making Your Marriage Work

I've been reading an interesting forum posting series from non-ADD spouses about the kinds of things they say helps them navigate their relationships.  I would love to hear from more of you.  What works for you?  What tips would you give others?  You've seen lots of what I write...now it's your turn to "dole out the advice"!  And, if you want to read that forum, go to this link.    (But please put your ideas attached to this blog post so that others can easily find them!)

Comments

Oh the joys of marriage...

Oh the joys of marriage... as if the word alone does not pose enough anxiety and concern! Then, you mix in a little AD/HD to the recipe and some children...oh, and don't forget the family dog (and cat, and fish, and bunny, and turtles, and a squaking bird as in my case) and a unless you laugh A LOT, you have a total mess! Why is it that the AD/HD house always seems to be in total choas? ...and even the pets seem to have contracted the disorder! The yard cluttered with creative messes and projects incomplete ( the antique car, the barn with missing shingles, the grass manicured in circles in some places and others where "we just forgot to go back") Then the parent without AD/HD gets like the family pet, something I call, situational aquired AD/HD "SAAD" ...because you don't know where to begin and your mind is overwhelmed with everything that has to get done, and you procrastinate and lose sight of time management! Laugh...and tackle each step with authority and extreme hyperfocus. I've had to send all the AD/HDers in my house out for a family (minus me) vacation to clean out the house and hyper organize. It works... when everything has a place and there is a place for everything...everyone is accountable! Understanding is also crutial...nobody wants to hurt anyone in a family, and AD/HD is not something that is desired to have by anyone. Love one another!

ADD in Marriage

I can get myself in a funk in record time if I think of all the broken promises, bounced checks, unfinished chores and mountains of clutter. I'm still a bit new at navigating this road, but what I've learned thus far is: 1. My husband doesn't forget things / not follow through to purposely irritate me or be malicious. This has taken YEARS to sink in. 2. Ask / remind nicely. Don't nag. Better yet, write it down on a list somewhere he will see it, let it go or do it myself. 3. Life runs smoother if the non-ADD spouse (ME) is in charge of the calendar and money. 4. Check out www.organizedhome.com for great ideas about organizing and getting rid of clutter. We have a ways to go, but we're getting there. 5. For whatever reason, my husband connects with computers and machines better than people. I talk more with him via Instant Messenger than in person quite often. I can't say I like it that way, but it works. 6. Honor your spouse's journey and quest for health and wholeness. I can't dictate to my husband what to do next-what drug to try, what food to eliminate.....it's really up to him. I will let him know when he appears to be "stuck" and not moving forward toward health and wholeness. I will let him know when his action / inaction affects me and ask if we can come up with some better ways of doing things. 7. ADD is often connected to poor sleep / snoring which can be triggered by food allergies. Dairy and wheat are usually the worst offenders. 8. Try to establish predictable routines while understanding ADD brains have difficulty establishing habits. (This one seems like an uphill battle at times) 9. The best advice comes from my Mom-always focus on the good and the positive. My husband is one of the best dads i have ever met. He is so creative and plays games frequently with our boys. He's very much a part of their life. I hope this helps someone out there. Blessings to you Frazzledmom in WA

ADD in Marriage

Thank you for your list of ways to deal with ADD in marriage-I would appreciate more as well :). I moved in with my fiance with ADHD in October and have found myself becoming frustrated with him, losing my vision of why I wanted to marry him and live with him in the first place. I have found this site very helpful because it makes me realize I am not crazy and that there are tools out there to help us improve our relationship.

Non-ADHD er's Experience

Well, it certainly presents its challenges being married to a man with ADHD. He has anxiety to go along with it which in itself can be challeging. It is nice to here the other two women who posted that go through similar experiences with thier husbands! My husband is very loving and sentimental but as life presents more stress and challenges in having a mortgage, stressful work schedule and child it can be pretty hard for him to handle. The forgetfulness and lack of focus can be especially difficult since I am a big multitasker and organizer . This is what is the most frustrating for me as the non-ADHDer feeling like I have to organize and handle most things especially the "to do " list around the house etc. I find over the past few months that if I validate my husband and not appear nagging in my requests I get a better response albeit still may not complete tasks. The more I seemed to validate his worth to me and our family the more close he would appear to me. When I used to come on stronger of feeling down or burdened by his issues the more he would distance himself. The more I moved him toward getting evaluated for ADHD and try a med the more he bucks on it. Our daughter has ADHD and they are like two peas in a pod in thier ways. Needless to say being the non-ADHDer makes it very difficult in picking up the slack for both in one household. I would love to know how to balance the frustration I face with his apparent need for vailidation that will make us both happy in the end. Thanks! Kim

Validation and happiness

I think the answer to your question about balancing validation and happiness is held in the previous response from the woman who feels she "completes" her husband.  You must genuinely find the place where you appreciate what your husband has to offer.  Validation can't just be a communication device that you use as a means to an end.  It needs to be a genuine part of how you feel else you end up feeling a bit empty - as if you are "pretending" in order to get what you want.  (That said, you are right - approaching things from the positive does work better than approaching things from the negative).

As with the previous reader, counselling may help you identify those positives, or perhaps some journal writing will help you sort it all out.  Also, though this sounds a bit silly, I sometimes find that when I move from a positive outlook to a more negative outlook, that hanging little notes on my mirror that I see first thing in the morning helps remind me where my head needs to be.  I just came across one from some of my worst days that said "Love helps good things grow" that I had posted at one point to remind myself to behave and live in a loving manner.  It made me smile because I realized how far I had come from the days when I neede to remind myself that - now it's just a part of our days (and, happily, it includes accepting my husband for who he is, with lots of positive feedback.)

As for the anxiety, if he's not treating it (or his ADD) he might want to pay attention.  Living with too much anxiety is not healthy for anyone.

Melissa

Non-ADDers Experience

I have been married to a ADD spouse for 6 explosive, hectic, horrifying years. While he can be extremely sensitive and caring, the unpredictability in his behavior is difficult for me to cope with. Although the past 6 years have been overly challenging, I have not given up on our marriage. I have found better ways to cope with the challenges. I try to remind myself of the signs of the disorder when I am fed up and frustrated with something he did or did not do. I try to talk as calmly as possible to him when he is in his frustrating/frenzy state. It is very obvious when he is in this state and I refuse to engage in any drama that exacerbates the situation. Try to empathesize as much as possible because they don't want to do the things they do. In addition, I am in charge of literally everything in our household and life. It ensures we stay on track as a family and relieves my frustruations with him not completing tasks or leading the "charge." I don't think I have addressed it 100% correctly, but it works for me in the interim as we navigate through this. I have to stabilize my household for the children's sake while building up my husband's self esteem. The years of social problems take their toll on their self esteem. My biggest struggle in our marriage today is internal. This disorder has caused me to be resentful and lonely. Since I have to stay the breadwinner for stability, I am exhausted from work and home life. I, too, am looking for some support from folks as I believe the spouse of an ADD partner feels totally alone. Only other folks in our situation understand the overwhelming amount of responsibility thrust on us. The love I have for my husband and children keep me searching for answers and keep me hoping for some personal peace. In the meantime, you have to find your coping mechanisms to help deal with the volatility. Remember that your spouse is doing the same.

my amazing husband

Oh this is all my story, everything everyone else is saying. For years and years I was so angry with my guy for always feeling like I have to do everything, the finances, organizing, cleaning, calendar, household any and everything. For me just knowing and having a thing to call this was huge, after he was diagnosed. I would suggest the biggest thing a married couple can do, aside from seeking the various therapies, is to go to counseling together. It helped us tremendously and we were never unstable in our marriage relationship, I think counseling makes a good marriage even better. Mostly it helped me understand why the things that are difficult for ADD adults really are just super hard, it wasn't laziness or ignoring me and my needs for help. It also helped me focus on the positive. He is just an awesome person, a great dad, a creative genius and he loves me like crazy and counseling helped me to appreciate those things more. Also during the time we were in counseling he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and using a cpap machine has helped him with his impulsivity and anger, to stay focused more, which in turn has helped our marriage as well. From what I a have read a lot of ADD people may have sleep issues either causing this or alongside the symptoms. I have decided that I am my husband's partner, I signed on for that when I said forever,no matter what. Now I am proud that I am able to balance him, to fill in for those deficits that he has. I am the other half of him and I complete him, as he does for me in terms of creativity and emotional stability. So I just know that doing more than most people define as my "fair share" is a part of that and I am good at it and he really isn't. Anyway there's lots more to say but I hope this little bit can be helpful for others.

Your Amazing Husband post

Hello, I have just finished reading your post about your husband. It brought tears to my eyes because I'm at the beginning of this journey that you've already started on and what you said rang so true for us. We've been married 7 1/2 years and life has been really interesting since we married. My husband has joked all along that he's ADD. I didn't realize until this past week that ADD is the cause of part of our difficulties. It took my Mom to read up on ADD and see the glaring signs that I've been banging my head against the wall over. My husband is wonderful as well. It's just been getting harder and harder to see through the ADD muck. Now, I'm revitalized and ready to start a support group for Non-ADD/ADHD Spouses. We live in a small community and there aren't any groups of this kind around here. I'm curious to see what the response is when word gets out that there's a new support group for those without ADD. If you have any other ideas, suggestions, anecdotes, etc., I'd be more than happy to hear them! Good luck and thank you for sharing in such a positive way!

Ten Ways To Cope That Work For Me

I have been married to my ADHD husband for 16 years -- and we dated for 4 years before getting married. I won't write about what tears up apart -- here are some things I use to bring uo together: 9And these do not let him off the hook for anything......) 1) Counseling: A must! We have been to couples counseling, but generally he goes on his own. Counseling for him is like having a coach -- it helps him keep certain things in the forefront of his mind, and he learns techniques and gets reinforcement. 2) When I need to talk with my husband about something important, I nab some time in the car with him. He is much more focused in conversation while driving in the car. This has proved successful and positive for us over all these years. When gas prices go up this gets expensive, but it's worth it! 3) Incomplete projects: I pick the most important ones that must get done, which usually include tools left lying around. Then I bring him over to the site and say, for example, "These wrenches here, did you want to leave them there for later?" Historically he realizes that there is unfinished business and completes the task. 4) Organizers: Don't over-do it but use a few that will help. A whiteboard: keep it somewhere very visible -- we have a magnetic one that's on the fridge -- and keep it simple. Even adults like seeing things checked off -- gives a sense of satisfaction. An entry-way area with a place for him to put everything (keys, wallet, cell phone, sunglasses, etc.) -- this could be a large bowl or a designated shelf or cubby -- this space is his alone. A designated place for bills with in/out baskets that are labeled with large print, e.g., "TO PAY," TO FILE" etc. He gets one ask: either sorting or filing, but not both. One person should be in charge of paying bills. 5) Pro-actively use his symptoms as strengths and then squeeze every drop of his energy you can -- seize the moment!. If he needs to move or /fidget take the opportunity to get something physical done, even if you needed something entirely different done . For me it's a mental challenge -- like a puzzle -- to find the thing that matches the strength. 6) This is a biggee: I do a lot of self-work and a lot of accepting. I have a STOP EVERYTHING approach: if I start to feel resentment or stressed because things are out of balance and I am working too hard against the chaos, I simply stop everything completely. At first this caused me much anxiety -- I felt that things might get out of control if there was this open space -- but with practice I've learned that this coming to a halt -- this suspended animation -- actually gets his attention! And, I get to feel good that I am taking care of myself. When I stop everything, I remove myself from the chaos-- not the marriage, but the chaos. I actively and frequently give myself a lot of credit. How I treat my spouse is extremely important to me. It's not always easy to be reasonable when you feel like screaming -- BUT: I get to feel good about myself when I do something upstanding and it was mighty difficult, too! I stop thinking about him and get to think about myself!! I accept the fact that I am in a challenging, complex and difficult relationship -- and I rehearse those words often so I am prepared when the chaos comes. There are many, many things I work on accepting -- yes, probably way more than in a relationship with a non-ADHD partner, but so be it. Again, if I start to feel resentment because things are out of balance, I stop everything immediately. 7) I write out things that are driving me crazy on a little piece of paper -- one piece for each thing. I put these in an envelope and note the date. I keep the envelope sealed for a month. After a month I open it and read each thing out loud. Usually within seconds I am on the floor laughing so hard that tears are coming out of my eyes. Try it -- you'll like it. 8) I have been given two pieces of advice that have always struck me: 1) It's not what you've got, it's what you do with what you've got. 2) If everyone in a room wrote their troubles on a piece of paper, folded them up and threw them in a box, each person would hope to retrieve their own piece of paper when they have to pick out a piece without looking. 9) I carry the book "Don't Sweat The Small Things" with me wherever I go. When I have a moment I open it up randomly and read a section. Beautiful. 10) Pray.

Hey "10 ways to cope that

Hey "10 ways to cope that work for me" I too use most of your strategies to cope with my marriage partner who is WAY ADD. But this only happened after I finally realized that I did not need to stay in this marriage. Once I peeled away my fear of the loss of my idea of what marriage should look like and fear of damaging the kids if we separated, I was able to switch to saying I am choosing to be in this marriage. However this did depend on my husband’s choice to “work the plan” i.e. he takes his depression meds his ADD meds and goes to therapy for maintenance. I remind my husband and he finally knows I am serious about us NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT CRAZY EXPLOSIVE place we were living in for 14 years. The prayer of many and grace have made him see that I was in a different place and something in him (be is fear of loosing his wife and kids) motivated him to make better choices. Some how he has made peace with some of his inner demons and I am actually enjoying his company again. We both have had to change. This significant change has been a long time coming with many false starts over the years. It's been only 7 months and am not so foolish to think this is forever although it would be my hope. Life has become simpler on some levels and it is mostly because of the formula that I have stated “work the plan” or this is over. I wonder if I may have become too clinical in this approach. Emotions i.e. being mad angry have receded for me. When he uses some of his dysfunctional stalling ADD strategies I stay the course “gently but firmly” and my husband seems to rally sooner, to the positive outcome. We have talked a lot about the difference between feeling good about doing the right thing and doing it because it is what is the healthy thing to do… I wonder how long this will all last there is still lots of trust issues, and the never ending managing of the amount of screen time he and now the children are using...but for now I take it as it comes with the knowledge that I do know what I will live with or without as long as it seems reasonable healthy. I think my husband has begun to see that ADD is not something to be ashamed of and now he is quoting to me all the successful folks who have it Spielberg being the most recent one he knows of according to web articles…My husband tells the joke: "How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?" Answer “You want to go for a bike ride?” Yes this is a time of grace for our family that we can both laugh at this joke! As I said, once I was able to give up my fear I was able to stay in this Marriage. But this is a contract and as long as we are both making healthy choices then I shall remain in it.

Ten Ways To Cope

Oh, I just love that joke!!! That's a great one!! I'll share a "light bulb" joke with you: Question: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change." And that describes my husband -- there have been times in really bad weather or my having a nasty cold when my ADHD husband was dragging me to the therapy appointment! He has always been gung-ho and open to counseling. Without that kind or commitment and participation on his part I don't think we would've made it. I, too, have let go of that fear of losing the marriage -- and that "letting go" wasn't easy for me, it was filled with anxiety -- but I found that I'm so much less stressed out going forward with that perspective. Someone not familiar with living with an ADHD spouse would read that and probably say, "How can you live every day accepting that fact that your marriage won't work out? What kind of relationship is that??" And it's very difficult to explain how and why it works for me -- but, like you said, every time I choose to use one of my strategies, that conscious thought actually reaffirms my involvement in the relationship. I wish ththings were more fluid, but they're not, so I do it this way. An ADHD relationship that works probably works because a lot of things are done very, very, very differently than most couples -- and I totally accept that and have no problem with that, and that sometimes makes me laugh because it's just like that conundrum wherein stimulant meds affect ADHD-ers by calming them down -- so, oftentimes doing the opposite of what is usually done works just fine!! Please write back and share any other strategies that work for you! I wish you peace and strength and hope you give yourself loads and loads of credit!

Choosing RElationship over Marriage

I had exactly the experience that the two of you had.  Deciding that I didn't have to stay married...but that I would likely have a relationship with my spouse of some sort, was incredibly freeing.  It gave me the ability to do what was right for me (which felt good and helped me be a better person) and it also took away a lot of fear...suddenly I felt calm and "centered" again.

Same experience here, too. 

Same experience here, too.  It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders when we acknowledged that we didn't have to stay married.  It was freeing for me, as well and a peace came over me that I had never experienced before. 

Lindsay2952's picture

Keeping it Simple

I've just uncovered my husband's ADD after 7 years of marriage.  This blog is helping me identify the recurring characteristics of his behaviours.  So thanks.  I need this blog. 

The organizer for him is something I'm working on today.  Maybe he will find it easier to find things then (especially the phone, sunglasses and keys), maybe he won't but at least I'll be able to find things easier and avoid witnessing the hissy fits.

The whiteboard thing I'm going to try.  Especially for phone numbers that I don't want to keep telling him.  And a line-up of the week's main activities and tasks.

We've been under quite a bit of stress our whole married life because I haven't been cooperating with his desire to live in North Africa, or start a business or live in Korea or purchase a home; none of these are criminal acts but with him it's never seemed like realistic suggestions or viable.

Never content , never satisfied, withdrawn under stress, easily stressed these are all the signs of ADD I'm discovering. And of course, the spending.  We've gone bankrupt already.  No problem to him to do it again later.  Also he's lost his right to drive the family car for at least the next 3 years.

I would welcome information about how to maintain a healthy friendship with my husband; he seems to struggle with having healthy relationships and he's lost 3 close friends in the last 3 years; this perplexes me.  so will I always feel loneliness with him?  His energy level is so high I can't keep up and anyway someone has to stay with the kids at night.

 

 

 

Dealing w/ my husbands ADHD

My husband is diagnosised with axis one ADHD so this means that he HAS to ALWAYS be on meds. Well I found out a useful tip from his consulor when he was a child. He is forever young well about 16 years old forever to be prefectly honest. Its not that I deal with him as a child its just I have to approach the situation as I am dealing with a child. They are very senstive to what we say and their feelings are VERY easily hurt. He has low self esteem and has huge problems focusing or remembering the simplist things ,not that I dont because I have a non exsisting short term memory, lol. He also happens to be one of the smartest people I know and the kindest and the most loving. He has a 153 IQ so you can guess the problems I have there :) But I have never met someone who can be as kind, sweet, heartfelt as my husband. But my total point for even posting this is to relieze your spouse is ADHD their brain does not work the same way a normal brain does. They are the forever young so be ready for that. But never for get the good things about this person either. When your mad remember all these great things about them and if those out way those few things that are bad then they are most deff worth all the hard work. My husband was off meds for a long time when we met and he was very very bad without them but now that I have got him back on meds he is now again the man I fell in love with and he even feels better on his meds. :D have faith!!!

ADD and Blending a Family -help!

I am deeply in love with my ADD soon to be husband. I have always known that there was "a piece of the puzzle missing" but the recent diagnosis of both him and my stepdaughter explains alot of what I have been experiencing. I accept that having the attention of someone who has an attention deficit will require understanding on my part . I have read Driven to Distraction and am in the process of reading Delivered from Distraction. We have been togrether for 3 years and lived together for 2. I have 2 teenage children, one with Dysgraphia, Auditory Processing & a mild non-verbal learning disability. He is an excellent student howver, does not like to be touched, is germ phobic etc. but is the assistant captian on his hockey team and never in any kind of trouble. My partner has two children in elementary school, and as mentioned his daughter has ADD. I am stresssed to my breaking point trying to manage all of the dynamics of this family. Imagine my son"don't touch me " and his daughter" without a good concept of personal space. My soon to be is very critical of my kids and doesn't seem aware of it. He has many expectation for my kids that are not extended to his. He feels the reverse is true. I believe ve that we hav an amazing family and an opportunity for all to appreciate the unique qulaities that we all have to offer. I am struggling with overextending myself to keep the peace. No matter what I do or my kids, I feel that it wil not be good enough in his eyes. I have tried to explain that we need to balance criticism with recognizing positive attributes and efforts, even when we have to look hard. I feel like I am holding this together and it is effecting my health , my work ,my finances, my relationship with my kids and my happiness. I see a councellor this week to help me manage. How do I demonstrate the impact that his behavior has on our family? He is very sensitiv to criticm and often responds to any conflict by withdrawing and shutting me and my kids out. When this happens, he doesn't talk to us and barely responds when I speak to him. I want him to tell them about the ADD. I want them to know it is nothing they have done. I should also say that when things are good, he can be very kind to the kids in his own way. I realise that there is more at play here than ADD. and he is not responsible for all the challenges. I need a strong partner to help us to continue to blend this family. I want it to be him. I truly love him with all my heart, but I also know that our current way of living is not sutainable for me. Thoughts prayers and suggestions please!

Blended family

Wow do I feel for you! I am praying for you all! The first thing that people should know before getting married is that current problems or conflicts do not get any better just because you say "I Do". As a matter of fact things magnify and can get worse. A recurring theme on this site is communication and lack of communication. Those relationships that are struggling have partners that can't seem to get into the style of communication that is best for them as a couple and those that do succeed (see Melissa) have partners that can communicate in a healthy manner- and want to! It disturbs me to read that he "shuts down" rather than talk to you about things. That's a no win situation. Also the way he speaks to/treats your children isn't fair to them. Would you allow this from a stranger? Then why is it ok from your fiance? Take some time, really look at things for what they are. Its not a decision that is impacting just you and him....there are children involved. Children with disabilities no less! That is major. You have to put them first in this situation and decide what is healthy for them. It doesn't sound like this relationship is all that healthy for you either. You think you are tired now??!!??!!!!?? My honest words are above and my honest prayers are ongoing that things will work out best for everyone involved. :-)

I will say you are exactly

I will say you are exactly were i was a few years ago. I also met a wonderful man whom we each have two children. I knew blending a family was probably the hardest task we both were facing. I was very excited that I had found someone that I thought was responsible, level headed, kind and very loving. In our dating stage, we seemed to be on the same page as far as parenting and a lot of other things. I wanted us to be prepared for what we were facing, bought a book on boundries for teenagers, found a counselor online that specializes in blended families and all the dynamics that come with it, ordered the tape and book. I love all children and knew my step son has add, so I also wanted us to be able to understand how to help him feel good (self esteem) about himself and to be successful! My husbands x is mentally ill and his kids had suffered tremendiously from that situation. And I would have to say that my x had mental problems as well. I wanted all my children to have stability back in their lives and excited to take onthis task. With that being said...here is what I got. When we all moved in together, it was pretty hectic as i know it would be. Almost immediately, I saw how my H was handling things and it was not in a team manner, it was like us against them. I pushed it off as this is a huge undertaking and it is just taking him a little longer to adust...wrong again! My h really had know cluse what was going on in the house and began blaming everthing on my kids, including our dog, it was funny at first, but soon began to feel abusive. I could not get my H to work as a team with me, it was always us against them. I could not for thelife of me figure out what was going on. I was beginning to see everything was out of control and my H was the one causing it. Trying to balance all the children and H was overwhelming. The whole house was upside down all the time, really due to how he was handling situations. Everyone in the house was exhausted. I was trying to manage everyones feelings and stressed to the max inside. This environment change of personalities and how situations were being handled took a toll on my children and myself. My daughter, who was 15 at the time tried to commit uicide twice and almost succeeded the second time. Can you imagine having your pastor call and tell you that you daughter tried to kill herself, and to read the letter she had left, that all the frustrations that were going on in the house and she felt that I was not paying enough attention to her. I thought I was in balance with everyone , but far from it. Being a teenager is hard enough to deal with. I did quickly get my daughter into counseling, she is now 20, married and attending school and very happy. I Asked my H to get counseling with me so we could avoid anything like this happening again. He wouldn't. I just thought my daughter had problems. I did seek counseling and to my surprise my H sent me to the same counslor he and hi X went to. big MISTAKE, I came out of there like a deer in headlights. Thats really when I discovered my H was adhd. Make sure you are meeting all the emotional needs of your children, DO NOT think you can handle everything, you won't be able to. Don't lose sight of your morals and values and what you are trying to teach your children. You get to a point where you just give up, keep true to you character. I could tell you many many horror stories for each of the kids that would be a chapter in itself. We are down to one,( son with adf) all the others are in college and survived. I would say as far as your kids are concerned to stay true to who you are and protect them from the confusion. Financially, I have watched my H ruin everything. He owned his own business and ran it to the ground with all his communication problems and the way he spends money. I have lost very close and good friends due to his behavior. I have lost the kind of people you want and need in your life. I am very sad about that. We were only married a few weeks when he convinced me to let him take all my savings (everything I had worked for) , once he got ahold of that and spent it overnight. He spent $36,000 on a "life coach", said he was doing this so we would have abetter future and that he wanted to be able to pay for all our kids colleges, but he couldn't seem to do anything the "life" coach asked him to do. he blew the other 30,000, we are now broke and guess what, it was time for the kids to go to college and NO money. Just blows me away on what the hell he was thinking. We are financially broke and struggling, like alot of other people. I certainly don't blame him for the economy but we could have been in a much better place financially, if I had not given in. So my advice on financials, keep separate and don't give in to any of the impulse idea's that pop in you H's head. So I now deal not just broken promises, but trust and character issues. I have heard through the grapevine that he is borrowing money from people, and I am ashamed and embarrased of him. I can forgive, but I'm not sure I can ever trust, any decision he makes. One last thing and I'm sorry I have been wordy. My X is all about being in the spotlight! he craves it! its that all about me stuff right!. My older son who was 25 developed a rare disease and was not supose to live throught it. He battled tfor 8 months and made it but lost both of his kidneys. He would only live for 5 years on dyalisis due to the damage the disease had done to his organs and needed and kidney transplant immediately. We went to the tranplant center to be tested and guess who was a perfect match...my H (this was and is truly a blessing and I thank god everyday) but the media hype my H created was crazy, he had the new at our house, new papers at our house, tryed to be on a radio show, it was nuts and my son had had enough and wanted him to stop. I was so embarrased and angry that he was invading my sons privacy. I prefer to be humble and he is "look at me" But on the bright side of all of this, my son is currently healthy and living his life again. I know he has received a special gift. I am very greatfull for what my H did. So, if you are not married yet, I would suggest you wait and see what kind of commitment your partner is going to make, and I mean a real commitment, not just simply tell you what you want to hear. You can not survive this alone!!!! You will end up resenting him and questioning yourself all the time. In this whole process, I have tried to stay true to who I am. with NO success of getting my husband to even read about adhd, I have decided to I need to put my self first and take care of me, its long over due. I have had a lot of counseling and learned many coping skills, but it is still very hard

Please be very careful for

Please be very careful for your future. I say this because 13 yrs ago I married my Adhd/depressive/alcoholic husband and I was a single mom with a 6 yr old. We are not Adhd and I wasn't really aware of what Adhd was. Although my husband had been diagnosed since early childhood. He really did a lot of mean things to my son and he always said that my son was a problem in our marriage. He tried at times to accept him. My son also tried to accept. My son is now almost 18yrs old and has some depression along with emotional hurts.  My husband(I'am seperated) really hates my son and vice versa. The other day when I had him watch my kids (The other 3) in our house while I went to the doctor to have a consultation. He told my 17 yr old son to leave the house he didn't want him there. This was over nothing really. So be careful I can tell you that if things are shaky now Really unless theres a vital change nothing is going to get better. If you are stressed to your breaking point do you really want to get married? I did get to a breaking point last year and recently I found out I need surgery and I may have cancer. I said it before and I will say it again stress is a silent killer! Stress can really ruin your health. Is he really the strong partner to blend this family. Think of your kids! I'am sorry honey if I seem so harsh really I'am speaking from my heart. I'll say a prayer for you. God Bless!!

ADD meltdowns

I appreciate all your comments, as they help quite a bit. I am engaged to a ADD man, we have been together 3 1/2 years, and engaged 2 years. We have 5 children between us. He is a great guy, and I love him very much, but as life gets busier, he is less able to handle the business, craziness, and any minor changes. I help him quite a bit and am the organized, patient and calm 1/2 of the relationship. His reaction when he is overwhelmed is to push everyone away from him - I am guessing in order to calm himself down. But he does it with anger and always ends up hurting someone. How do you deal with this?