I recently read posting from a woman who has recently discovered her fiance has ADHD. In a somewhat unexpected way, the post brings forward some real issues for those who are considering marriage to an ADHD person, so I thought it worthwhile to post it, and some thoughts on this topic, as a blog entry:
"Recently my husband-to-be has "come out of the closet" about his ADHD. I embraced his feelings of realization that he had a problem, and I dug into it and talked about it for days with him in hopes that seeking professional help would help us out. The last few months have been rough, especially before marriage!
Reading this passage (in the forum) had made me put a new perspective on things. I do not want my hubby to feel like I know he's broken, I want him to feel whole even though we both know he's broken. It would probably be best if he feels like I still think of him as a whole, and I'll support him no matter even if he goes through therapy for his ADHD."
My thoughts on this posting:
Danger alert here! Go back and read what you wrote! "I want him to feel whole even though we both know he's broken"...This is a recipe for disaster!
He is NOT broken! He has a different way of thinking about things and going through life - a way that will make him hard to live with at times. But a way that still deserves respect!
Do not kid yourself into thinking that if you verbally suport him, but secretly think he is broken, that you'll end up with a healthy relationship. What you'll end up with is a large amount of resentment someday and wonder why you both didn't see it coming.
You fell in love with your fiance in part because of his ADHD - I'll guarantee it. Probably you like his spirit and energy and creativity. BUT, those things aren't going to load the dishwasher or change a baby. SO, you need to decide before you get married what the power of the positive is, and whether or not you and he can create a positive environment for him to manage most of his ADHD symptoms (all, if you are really lucky, but DON'T count on this)! You must decide that YOU (note I am not talking about him right now!):
- love him for who he is - ADHD and all
- are able to forgive him when he stumbles or does things differently, which he will (just like non-ADHD men, but perhaps more frequently)
can see the positive in difficult situations - want to be his best supporter and friend
- don't want to change him from who he is right now (it's okay to hope he ages well, but this is a bonus, not an expectation)
- can respect him, even with a label of "ADD"
- can accept that there is a good chance that some of your children will have ADHD and you'll be dealing with that, too
Here is another way to look at it. Imagine that you discovered you were depressed, as many people are. Would you want your spouse to think of you as "broken"? Would you want him to put pressure on you to change in a certain way, or would you prefer that he support you on your own terms to find what might make your life better?
My suggestion is that you both consider some counselling about marriage, preferably with someone who understands ADHD. You need to explore your expectations about marriage to make sure that you really are ready to support each other through thick or thin. Marriage to a person with ADHD is not for the faint of heart - it takes lots of careful thought and communication skills, it takes patience and generosity, and above all it takes flexibility. The rewards are many, but please make sure you are ready for the challenge.
More thoughts that I didn't post in the forum:
Relationship research shows that couples are easily able to read their spouse's body language. So even if you say you are verbally supporting a spouse, if you "secretly" believe that he's broken, he'll "hear" that loud and clear. Because the feeling is unspoken, though, he'll have difficulty responding to it, which means that you'll end up with some really big "taboo" issues and bad feelings.
And, if she thinks that he's broken (and she's not), then it will be all too easy for this couple to fall into the parent/child syndrome, where she "takes over" for him, and they both resent this.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
knowing about adhd before marriage
Submitted by rlively on
Before Marriage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thanks for sharing this. It reflects well on you that you can understand that experiencing is different from "advising" (much harder to experience) and it sounds as if this experience will make you more realistic and empathetic in your practice. You should assume that it isn't just relationships that are that hard "in real life" but also just having ADHD is that much harder than you think.
The issues aroung safety and reliability are very real for almost anyone in an ADHD relationship - whether it's financial safety or emotional safety (as in putting yourself in a situation where you might feel unloved because your ADHD spouse is distracted from you). If you can resolve your financial fears before your child is born, that may relieve some of the pressure that comes with the birth of a first child (until you've done this, you have no idea just how hard those first few months are....)
My suggestion - think of your financial issues as a business problem and search for a business solution. I say this, because financial insecurity is one of those things that seeps into every aspect of your relationship. You don't trust his financial judgement, this bleeds into how you feel about his ability to safeguard your children (to come) and take care of you in other ways. Better to resolve things now, perhaps with an unconventional solution than to take the emotional and relationship risks that this continued insecurity might cost you.
You have a right to ensure your own financial security, regardless of your husband's financial incompetency. From your reference to "impulsive" it sounds as if he spends too much money, not that he has taken out the fifth mortgage on your house. So, if it makes sense, get separate bank accounts, and request that he pay his half of all the expenses. While this isn't very romantic, and may not be what you had been expecting you would need to do after marriage, it will hopefully do two things - help him understand that there is a limit to what he has available to spend (ie he can't spend yours) and help him see that you really mean it on the finances.
If he isn't paying his half of the bills because he runs out of money (and my guess is that he will think that paying half is fair - even though he won't like this conversation, assuming he's employed), then set up a special "bills" account that you are in charge of. He deposits the amount of the expected bills one month in advance (based on an average or good guess or some such). Or, if he admits that he has a spending problem, ask him if he would mind having his pay direct deposited into your account, and you take out what he will owe for bills and transfer the rest into his account within a very short time (24 hours?). Or, there may be some other creative solution that the two of you can come up with. Make sure that the two of you work on both defining the problem, and solving it, together. You'll be more likely to reach your goals if you do. Figure out the logistics of how this might work based on when your bills come in, and when you both get paid. If I were doing this in my household, for example, I would take a small amount out of the mid-month paycheck, and then use the end of the month paycheck to pay the bills (with probably very little left over).
To make all work over the long haul, you would also need to have a specific monthly budget in place for saving (ie. take out bills plus $100 or whatever to put into your savings account).
Note that I've seen many people on this site whose hubbies have taken out loans against joint property (usually homes) without the knowledge of their spouse. If you are having a conversation about finances, you may want to cover this possibility in advance and let him know your opinion about it (if you have one, which I presume you would).
If your husband earns more than you do (and isn't spending what you earn), and your issues revolve around how he is spending the money he earns (as in he is not spending it the way you would like him to spend it) try viewing the problem as an issue not only of impulsivity, but also conflicting priorities. In this case, you might still want to make sure that you are both paying your expenses equally, and create a savings plan to which you both contribute in some fair proportion (if he makes 25% more than you, consider having him contribute 25% more a month than you do). Agree in advance what that savings account will, won't and can't be used for (for example children's education and a new car in 10 years). A good plan, that you both work hard to stick to, will hopefully make you feel more at ease.
Good luck with the birth of your first child! It's an exciting time, but also difficult. Being a psychologist you are fully aware of it, I'm sure, but don't be surprised when you are emotionally all over the place, as well as completely exhausted. (These are the reasons to figure out the finances before birth...because you and your husband won't get back to "normal" for a while...some would say about 18 years!)
Thanks again for your comment.
Melissa Orlov
Phew. Here I was, on this
Submitted by tiddle taddle (not verified) on
I also have a huge problem
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Boy do I sympathize with
Submitted by Dana (not verified) on
Money
Submitted by Sarah (not verified) on
Money Issues Before Marriage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Read Dana's entry and note how hard a line she has drawn in the sand. Your partner needs the same kinds of lines - HE is responsible for his finances, not you. Also, I would consider not accepting some of those gifts until he understands that gifts come only after he has financial stability. Else he is simply giving you gifts with YOUR money! YIKES!
Melissa Orlov
finances and ADD
Submitted by vivi on
Rewards
Submitted by Lili (not verified) on
Rewards of Being ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I will name some of the things that I think are positive...but you could also do this yourself. Create a grid with two columns. In the left, think of the ADHD negative trait...then think of its "mirror trait" and put that in the right column. Try to take your current despair out of your thinking as you do this exercise.
Before I get to some of the positives, let me say that your post suggests that your husband has not taken managing his ADHD seriously enough. His ADHD symptoms of impulsivity etc are still front and center in your relationship. Perhaps it's time for you to start getting tougher with him. I don't mean by yelling at him - that will only produce one response - defensiveness (entirely unproductive). Rather, sit him down, perhaps with a marriage counsellor who understands ADHD, and tell him that as much as you want to love him, his ADHD symptoms are getting in the way and you are now concerned about whether or not you will be able to continue to be married to him (if this is the case, of course). It's time for him to work on controlling his ADHD with a doctor and whatever other professional help he might need (coach, therapist, books, etc.) He CAN help it, with effort, and his denying his ability to change the direction of his life is making it unnecessarily hard on both of you. (If he says it's only hard on you, point out that your unhappiness makes his relationship with you much more difficult than it needs to be.)
Your side of this deal? You need to get some help to work through your own anger and disappointment, which comes through loud and clear in your post (and trust me, he can feel it, too). I believe you when you say you have been a cheerleader, but you are at a point now where you don't believe anything can possibly change. Somewhere, somehow, you need to find that hope. (Or, as my husband said to me when I was in my angry and disappointed phase "why should I bother to try???!!! I'm NEVER good enough for you!")
Okay, so here are some positives about these traits in our own family:
spontaneous - we get to do fun trips: he is able to be flexible and change directions quite quickly without effort (so we might be planning to go for a bike ride, but if our child comes up and asks to do something else, we can both change direction without getting upset about it - flexibility is a great trait to have when you have teens as we do now); he's able to appreciate spontaneity in me; situations we get ourselves into are often funny
creative - okay, I admit it, my husband is not at all creative, so I have no examples here!
tons of ideas that never come to fruition - if I didn't like the ideas in the first place, I'm often happy when they don't come to fruition; if I love the idea, I try to help him get it done somehow; he's open to lots of new ideas - so he brings me interesting articles and books about a very wide variety of things - which keeps my life from getting boring; his interests are quite varied - if I get tired of biking, we go sailing...or to a concert...or sit together and read a book...or hold hands and take a walk...or...
sweet and kind - we have quite a few pets because his kindness extends to them, too; if someone is in distress he'll normally respond; his spirit is gentle (even though his execution sometimes is not).
The downsides of these same traits:
spontaneous - he loves EBay, and too much stuff arrives at our house...but I figure he earns money, too, so deserves to set some priorities about how to spend it; "spontaneous" turns into "disconnected" pretty quickly...I have to pull him back in sometimes...but we've worked out signals for me to do this without too much muss and fuss
tons of ideas - for sure, some stuff just never gets done. But I'm not perfect in this department, either, and I've decided that I don't want to spend my life chained to a "to do" list. Hand in hand with "tons of ideas" in our household comes "pack rat". We've solved this as an issue in our house by confining his mess and junk to specific areas (his office, the basement, the garage - spaces that aren't really used all that often as common spaces). I close the door and his stuff "disappears".
Perhaps you can find some positive things to think about next time a bad ADD trait hits you...but do consider drawing a firmer line for him, too. You have a right to be happy.
Melissa Orlov
Thanks, but how?
Submitted by Lili (not verified) on
Same issues as Lili...and
Submitted by Colleen on
How to be firm?
Submitted by Janine on
I AM the spouse with ADD,
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Pro's and con's?
Submitted by Janine on
knowing about his add before marrying him
Submitted by Kate (not verified) on
Then he doesn't deserve your
Submitted by HopeForJoy (not verified) on
you truely deserve a medal,i
Submitted by lilly (not verified) on
Lilly
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Lilly - you need to walk away from this very destructive relationship. This man is manipulating you in every possible way. It is not your responsibility to "fix" this man - only he can do that. Your friends are right. Go, find a healthy relationship and get this man OUT of your life!
Fiance with ADD
Submitted by MKH on
I think my fiancy has ADD. He has all the symptoms and he once mentioned it to me, that he might have it. After doing some readings in this forum, i strongly relate to alot of the problems caused by it.
The question is: How can i confront him and suggest that he gets professional help without hurting his feelings, even though he seeked professional help before and is open about this issue?
I need help around this issue.
Talking with Fiance about ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The clue to your answer is held in the word "confront". If he has sought help in the past, then there are issues that he is aware of...consider not "confronting" him, which suggests that the conversation will be adversarial, but rather talking with him about your relationship and your observations of how his behavior fits into your relationship. Remember that you will be unable to change him - only he can change himself - but that you have the right to stand up for yourself and ask that you be treated in a certain way. If he is treating you poorly it doesn't matter if the cause is ADHD, green hair, flat feet or anything else - he should make an effort to see how the two of you can meet in the middle.
You should have this conversation now - because if you can't have it before you are married it does not bode well for your ability to work things out after you are married. Open communication (and respectful communication) is a must for you to succeed - ADHD or not.
My honest advice to anyone
Submitted by sad mom (not verified) on
To Sad Mom
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I can't say that I agree with your assessment - but if you had known about the ADHD before the marriage you could at least have had a chance to figure out how the two of you would have been able to deal with it (and whether or not you could deal with it). Having ADHD doesn't doom you to having a bad relationship. Not working together to figure out how you (and your family) will live with it effectively might do so, however. As for fearing for your children's marriages - if you can make them aware of their ADHD issues, and not ashamed of them, and help them gain the tools they need to address fears, barriers, and problems that come up, then you have the greatest chance of preparing them for a healthy ADHD-affected marriage. One in which they take responsibility for addressing their issues in an open and non-hurtful way. Please try to make sure that they don't take away from your sadness that all ADHD marriages need to be sad - but rather that they need to be handled thoughtfully.
As for me, I cherish my ADHD spouse. Things haven't always been smooth (but NO marriage is always smooth) but I have ended up with someone who is very special, and whose ability to think outside the norm, and think generously, has benefited me greatly. And I treasure my ADD daughter, as well. She doesn't do things at all as I do, and it has taken me considerably more effort to help her grow up than it has taken for my "easy" (non-ADD) child, BUT she is a real "gem" of a person whom I adore. Will she have struggles in her life? Sure, but I hope/think that I've given her the tools to work through them as they come up. As a side benefit, I think that needing to help my daughter as much as I have has taught me a lot about patience and human nature than I would have learned otherwise.
Most important now, though, is that you sound as if you are in need of some additional support, as well as a tallk with your doctor about whether or not you might qualify to be treated for depression. Please make sure that you have some good friends and family around to help you get through this period that can seem so overwhelming! Once your kids are grown, things should calm down a bit. If you would like, of course, we would love to hear from you here if that helps at all. (Also, Dr. Hallowell is publishing a new book on parenting kids with ADHD called "SuperParenting" that will be released on Jan 1, 2009. You can preorder it now at Amazon if you are interested).
Best wishes to you,
Melissa
I dont know what to do now..
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Run for your life!
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Young Love
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You need to hold off on getting married for a while - in fact I would posit at least 5 years. Not because your boyfriend has ADD but because:
Trust your second thoughts and take your time. You have LOTS of it and marriage is a much bigger commitment than I think you may realize. Also, get yourself onto your own path and find out who YOU are, outside of this relationship. It will make you stronger, no matter what else happens.