The Joys of Finding Yourselves Again

A woman who took one of my couples courses wrote to me to give me an update on how well she and her husband are doing.  Since I often have requests from readers at the site to hear about the positive changes couples can make, I thought I would share some of her words.  Of particular interest to you all, I think, will be what she writes about her children - if there were ever a reason to be inspired to take chances on change, this is it!

"(We) are doing amazingly well - we sold our house more quickly than expected and have moved. We put lots of your techniques from your online class and book to work successfully while cleaning and moving 24 years of stuff - a job which would be stressful under the best of circumstances. We continue to be excited about our "new and improved" relationship.

The timing of the move in relation to your class has been great - we are doing "new things" every day, building stronger bonds and getting back to who we were so many years ago. The new environment allows us to set new patterns and jettison the old ones easily. One of my verbal cues has sort of become "how would Melissa respond to that?"..."I'm not sure Melissa would be encouraged by us right now" makes us step back  and rethink where we are and what we are saying. The biggest thing your class did for us was to give us the courage to make the necessary changes - being able to step back from a bad place, let go of it by recognizing that place for what it is, and moving on to a place we both like better. One of the biggest pluses is the affirmation from our kids - their relief and how much has changed."

She finishes with the idea that "you really helped us save our marriage" which is great!  She understands that she and her husband are the ones that saved their marriage (not me) and that the information they got gave them new perspectives that enable them - every day - to make better relationship choices.

The good news about this site is it is a great place to meet people who share your issues, but one of the sad parts is that those who improve things tend to move on (as they should - this is good news, but it means we don't get the benefit of hearing the good stories as frequently as they happen).  So I hope her words lift your spirits.

Comments

The joy of finding ourselves

This site is a God send. I married my adhd girlfriend may 6th 2011. I love her so very much. I learning to listen to her. I except her just as she is. Wouldn't change anything about her. I was really worried for awhile but instead of trying to change her I worked on changing I changed my thinking. I will explain more when I have more time. Thank you all so much for your positive help. I have done easier things but it is worth all the work. Think happy and we can be happy.

Melissa, your work is

Melissa, your work is invaluable to so many. I am about 2/3 of the way through your book and have kept a pencil with me to underline parts that really hit home for me...not a page has been left unmarked. Thank you so much for all you do!!

ADHD medication & Fertility!

Thank you so much for all that you are doing for couples that have ADD/ADHD!

My husband and I both just received diagnosis, me with ADHD, him with ADD!  So many things makes so much sense!  We are getting ready to undergo InVitro and I am wondering about the affects medication can have if taken while pregnant.  I do most all of the things that your husband recommends, eat well (I'm in 12-step recovery for Food addiction, drugs & alcohol, codependency... ok, so I don't discriminate! haha) While recovery has been a true miracle, I still find myself overwhelmed, frustrated, impulsive, compulsive and am considering taking medication, but would like to know more about the effects of taking it while pregnant.  Do you have any info you can share, or a direction you can point me in to find reliable information on this subject?

Again, thank you for your service!  You and your husband are a blessing!

xoxo Jen

Meds and Pregnancy

Since you aren't currently taking meds, I suggest you don't start before you've gotten through both your pregnancy and also any breast feeding you might do (could be a good argument for bottle feeding!)  Some science suggests that that the fetus in utero is far more sensitive to any chemicals we put into our bodies than once thought (even foods).  Stimulants and anti-depressants just don't seem like a good idea when that much development is going on.

There is an article on this specific topic in ADDitude Magazine, which I link to here.

Thanks.....

Melissa,

I found out that I am ADD early this year. Your information on this site is very useful to me and I'm sure many others. I am learning more all the time and finding ways to work with ADD. It takes time and effort to change for a person who doesn't like to change. So changing bad life habits are difficult and take time. But, I am finally starting to see slight results in the way I think and react.

Thanks for your thoughts and everyone who writes in. It all helps!

Sincerely, A Work In Progress.

A Small Moment

My husband and I are new on this journey of diagnosis & treatment, but at this moment we're on the same page of how we want things to change (I am the non-ADHD). That being said, there is a world of grief (infidelity) and anxiety and resentment that I'm trying to unpack. The other day I was in a therapy session, and I mentioned that it was a little troubling to me that I didn't have the "hyper-focused courtship" that seems to be a common theme of many/most ADHD relationships, and I guess I was kind of lamenting that. I said that the truth was, at this moment I was having a hard time coming up with the reasons that I thought my husband was so wonderful I would want to marry him, and that honestly scared the hell out of me. My therapist said that I was having trouble connecting to those thoughts and memories right now, which was fine/normal. I thought about that for a few days. It was still pretty troubling to me that I couldn't remember or connect to reasons I would choose to marry this person -- it was causing me to wonder whether I should have at all! Even though I am very aware of the fact that I do love him. So I decided to do a small thing for myself, and as it turns out, for him too. I decided that I would think of the reasons and acknowledge what I loved about him on a single day. I sent him a quick email with "5 things I love about you today." It was a small step for me to think about the qualities I love about him, rather than just, "well, yes, I do love you." It also made his day, to say the least. Nothing earth-shattering, but it was a really good moment for both of us. I think I'm starting to understand that this journey is what this is going to have to be about -- small moments.