Sometimes you can lose yourself in a struggling relationship. It can be helpful to stop thinking about your relationship and take a moment to reconnect with what you love about yourself.
It’s my birthday today, so I’ve been thinking about how to celebrate…and decided that sitting down and thinking for a few moments about who I am, and what I like about myself, might be a good way to frame my day. As I went through the exercise, I realized how infrequently I think about my strengths. Too much to do, too many other people to think about…life just seems to get in the way. And when you and your partner are struggling, doesn’t it seem as if you spend a lot of time thinking about “us” rather than “me?”
It was a great way to start my day, and I strongly recommend you consider sitting quietly to think, journaling on the topic, or taking a good friend out and exploring it together (she can give you additional encouragement!) And, I can honestly say that there were a few things that I identified where I thought “I used to be like that, but not so much any more…” Since those were aspects of myself that I genuinely appreciated, it makes sense to dedicating the next year or so to figuring out how to relocate them.
How about you? What do you love about you?
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Happy Birthday!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Liz
Happy Birthday Melissa
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Sorry this is late, I just didn't read many posts until now. Hope you had a great day. I love your question, and you're right. I also, very rarely think about the "good things" about myself. I've let the trials of a difficult life, define me too much, and it's changed my perception. I used to like myself, and over the years, then wondered "what good" anyone could ever see in me, because I could see none. I know that was from so much abandonment and betrayal, and the difficulties with my husband.
But, lately, I see the futility of that thinking, and am seriously working on changing my "mind talk". I've stopped mentally bashing myself and berating myself, and am purposely changing my train of thought to think of something "positive" about myself. It IS helping.
I wish I knew how to be more
Submitted by LostInVA on
I wish I knew how to be more positive about myself. I'm at the point where I cannot trust my own feelings, my thoughts. I feel like I don't have the strength to stand up for myself. I tried for the last several months and it doesn't seem to be working. My husband says such nice things about me, then tells me that I need to seriously think about reality with my reactions, that I play the victim. What I'm feeling and thinking aren't based on reality. Who's reality is it? I'm tired and feel like it's just not worth it to fight anymore- to ask to be remembered the way I want. To be shown love the way I want. The love he shows me when he decides to and how is what should be enough. Maybe I am too sensitive. Actually, I know I am; but why am I that way. I feel like he tries really hard for a while and I let myself get used to his attention to me and then it's gone. It hurts even more. Melissa wrote that we should be made of Teflon. I don't know how to feel that way right now. My therapist has said that my issues of feeling rejected stems from my past, being given up by my mother and other caretakers until finally someone did take me, reluctantly she has told me. That shouldn't affect me now. It angers me that it affects me now. I see rejection in every forgotten phonecall, forgotten anything. And who am I married to? someone with ADHD. And what are people with ADHD good at? forgetting things. It's a bad combination. I know no one is perfect. He's stopped taking his medication at work. I never saw the benefit because it was only for work. Maybe 2-3 times he took one at home on the weekends when he knew he really had to focus- 2-3 times in almost a year. Reading back on what I just wrote. He is right, I do see myself as a victim. I act like it. Who would want to put up with that? I'm trying to be someone else. Someone that he could love and accept wholly- not just the happy, patient side. I don't like myself and pretending is hard to do and maintain. He says he loves me, but that can't be true when he wants me to be someone I'm not.
LostInVa...Wondering how you are...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I read your post from Dec 2014. I was wondering if things are better for you now. I was so drawn because even though I feel I am a positive and happy person that loves herself, I can feel rejected at times and I believe I have some abandonment issues too (dad left). I have been married 25 years and it has been very hard, his anger, temper, self-loathing, negativity, illogical thinking, etc. Everyone loves who we are as a couple, Sonny and Cher, if you will. That is what made it so hard for me to leave him last month. I could only stay away one month since I missed him...wow, can you believe it? I always dreamed of being alone and happy instead of alone and with him but it was not what I thought I would feel. I was lonely and I felt bad that I left him alone since he already feels a failure and alone even though he acts cocky and like he has a million friends, he missed me. His pride was hurt, he was upset that our friends knew and I was surprised that he didn't do more to get me back, it's like he shut down. However, now that I am back, I see a pattern. When I am my normal positive, happy self and I text him throughout the day to say hello or go out of my way to show him I love him, he is serious, negative, depressed, emotionless, non-responsive and then I feel disillusioned. I ask myself why did I try so hard. I wish he would respond in kind. I then wondered how it would be if I acted neutral, not mean, just quiet and didn't text him during the day, since he doesn't, didn't call him, didn't initiate a touch or just do anything emotional. So in essence, go against my grain and do the minimum. I love hard and I know I am a good wife. The result? He sucks up to me. "Baby, can I get you anything?, are you ok? You seem shut down?" This feels manipulative and unfair since he waits for me to reach a low to try get me high and that is what led to me leaving, exhaustion and feeling neglected. Not cool. After 25 yrs and leaving, he finally decided to go see an "evil" therapist and only went once before saying he didn't like her. I had to ask when he was going again and he says he is looking for another person. Thank God I am strong and love myself. This can drive a person insane. I love him very much yet feel I have to hold back the abundance of love I have because whether I do a lot or a little, his efforts are the same and I am left depleted. I feel some of that energy can be invested into me, the person that I know will always put me first. I truly feel that if I can continue to be a happy person, even if he is not the source, his behavior will not be able to put a dent in me. This is my goal. Best wishes to you lostinva.
Happy Belated Birthday Melissa!
Submitted by copingSAH on
Happy Belated Birthday Melissa!
It is good to devote some time in thinking of all the good-happy-positives than to let the bad-sad-negatives color every day of our lives. I've always wanted to start a journal but I have had a creative block since the relationship challenges kicked into high gear years ago. Maybe this is a chance to revive myself (ourselves).
All the living with forgiving, forbearance, compassion, empathy and resilience ... I realize a lot of all these faith-oriented actions mainly revolve around the challenges of the ADHD dynamic.For once, I just want to rely less on the faith/loyalty-based mantras to get me through the days -- I think I've let that define me and what I *should* be proud of myself for.
The question you pose: What do you love about you? I just drew a blank or it is a foggy memory of what it was like in the days I was creative. And that felt sad...
Well. Firstly. What I love about me is the strength to remain loving to others, have a sense of integrity in all my interactions. What I appreciate is that the positive affirming responses I get back in return. For this, I love/appreciate that I am still able to experience reciprocity among the world at large.
What I've forgotten is the more tangible, in terms of creativity. I love(d) to create things that make our home comfortable (sewing projects, decorating and painting), baking bread, etc - I was a happier woman when I was a jack-of-all-trades with my art. I've had to put my creativity aside to juggle the marriage challenges. I have to summon the creativity again.
Thanks Melissa. Hope you had a great birthday.
Is it me????
Submitted by PLK on
Hi..new here... married 37 years....t's been a ride....I am just wondering how many of you would mind if your husband and yourself were out to dinner....a young girl walked by him and I CAUGHT his eyes go right for her crotch!!! I starred at him and said "seriously" in front of me...yes this man is a flirt and I have dealt with so much crap one has to wonder what's wrong with me!!! Soooo.my question is ....am I making something out of nothing...or is he lacking total respect for me as his wife...
Appreciate your time
That would fall as
Submitted by LostInVA on
That would fall as disrespectful to me, unless she clearly had some kind of rip or stain on her dress at the crotch. Which would be distracting and hard not to glance at (but definitely not stare, that would be rude for anyone to do- man or woman).
How about being TOLD by your husband that he was planning on visiting the Red Light District in Amsterdam on a trip because it was one of the "things tourists do" when visiting Amsterdam. He said he was planning to go to other things like a museum or Anne Frank's house. Like that would make it any more acceptable. He wasn't planning to DO anything, just ogle the half naked women in the windows. When I got upset, he said why is it any different than watching Cinemax on the sofa together. Really?? I think that's disrespectful, especially being WELL AWARE of how I feel about strip clubs and anything like that. They have clubs there that show live sex acts on the stage. It boggled my mind. It was even more confusing that he was telling me. Well, he said he thought there was a chance that I wouldn't mind. He said he knew there was a good chance that his hosts might take him there during sightseeing (???) and he didn't want to feel like he was doing something behind my back! That clearly says to me that he felt it was wrong somehow. He wanted permission to do it so he wouldn't feel guilty. Well, he didn't get my permission, not that he needed it. I don't think he would have liked the consequences if he did. So, he spends the days there texting me about every little thing he's doing, so to inform me that he's NOT in the red light district. So sorry to rain on his parade. Funny thing that he agreed to not go after I said that I would be happy to go see the Chippendales or any kind of male stripper show if that was what he wants to do. Then, he decided that it might not be such a good idea to go visit the cultural draw of Amsterdam!
I really needed this post
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I really needed this post today. I have been up and positive for a day then low for two days and the cycle keeps going because I know what I love about myself and I see that my husband is NOT capable or whatever it is, of reciprocating and it is sad and makes me wish I was married to someone like me.
Some examples: Texting him daily and getting no response, telling him that I loved this table I saw on Craigslist and having him say, "that is nice" but then I hear crickets and no attempt to get me it as a gift yet I will get him any little thing I know makes him happy, and lastly he getting home from work late and when I am getting ready for bed, having him ask me how my day was, after not responding to my texts all day or even touching base with me. I then respond that it was ok but my feet are hurting a lot (I have plantar issues and achilles tendonitis) and he says, "oh" and starts to snore, yet I jump up every time he is in pain to massage him. Makes me sad and feel like I will never have those little things that make me smile or even brag about him like other women brag about their husbands.
I said all that to say this: I need to focus on ME today and what I love about ME and how I DO matter and DO affect other people that are capable of showing their appreciation. It's hard not to feel slighted, angry, depleted, unappreciated and unloved especially when you do so much to keep an ADHD'er from feeling lonely, abandoned, like a failure and they do nothing to contribute to your life so you don't end up having similar feelings yet they say they love you. But today I will concentrate on what I and others love about me and where I want to be in the next year and in what areas I can improve first in myself and then in my marriage. I want to focus on the things I would still have to improve on EVEN if I weren't married. I want to be less dependent on my husbands response to me and not allow his deficiencies to affect my daily mood and productivity. I don't want to lose myself if he never adjusts/changes for me or himself. If I never get a massage or a gift just because or he never initiates or responds to my text messages- I want to still be happy because it is who I am!