When the husband has Bipolar 2 & ADHD that has been untreated until recently, this can cause an unimaginable amount of stress, etc over many years for the wife in a long-term marriage. He also has Oppositional Defiance Disorder. What type of healing can the wife seek? How can the wife prepare for outbursts due to husbands mood swings?
My ADHD partner and I both are reading Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it is helping our understanding of each other so much. His ADHD means he is extremely sensitive to criticism. My anger means that I need to be heard around the issues that have plagued our relationship. We are both trying to set aside our egos and working on how we communicate and LISTEN to each other. A year ago, I would have blown off the idea that we need to just work on communication. But NVC finally feels like a communication tool that will actually get us to dealing with the actual issues.
I read an article this morning in ADDitude that had the physical effect of a sock right in my stomach - it rang so true to my life's experience in my marriage - it made my stomach quite squeezey.
Here is a link - (Admin, if not allowed, I understand if you disable or delete it)
Hello to all again - splitting off a sub-topic from my first attempt at posting here (which seems to have a ton of new replies since I last checked)...
I find myself stuck in a very deep rut for the last 2-3 years when it comes to saying things to my partner when she's upset, or to keep her from getting upset in the first place. "Second-guessing" was listed as a hurtful pattern in an ADHD marriage, but in my case it goes the other way. Her anger and her instantaneous blow-ups have things stuck in neutral.
My husband dropped another bomb on me (by now I should be used to it). I wanted to discuss going to an ADHD specialist or a psychiatrist who can help us with his ADHD (I don't think he has ADHD). He straight up told me that I am prohibited to discuss anything about his medications and medical history or anything related with anyone, even his doctor as he has removed me as his contact and it would be a HIPAA violation and I will end up in prison. Can I really not even discuss what his medication abuse is doing to us and all the side effects?
6 years ago, when my frustrations reached a boiling point in our marraige, I urged us to start seeing a therapist. The issues, for me, were related to distraction, avoidance, inconsistency, reactivity, unreliability... in retrospect what I know know is the spectrum of ADHD behaviors. I wasn't fully aware of ADHD at the time but I brought it up in therapy but it was shot down by the MC and my H. The MC wanted to help us communicate better. My H said that he didn't want to be labeled and wanted me to take more blame for our problems. Yes, in retrospect, I was very, very angry.
My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a child. We have been married for 8 years and have two young children. He has tried medication and counseling, but never stuck with anything. Except going out to smoke pot 4 nights a week, because it "helps him".
I have tolerated a lot over the years. Lying, excessive spending, he never takes responsibility and if I try to discuss any issues we have, I am a bully or making a big deal out of nothing.
I thought I was at the end of my rope any times, but now I may really have to leave.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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