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by: Swedish coast -
Good thoughts. I listened to one just now. In fact I have enjoyed my work. It’s been lifesaving since divorce. No matter how devastated I’ve felt privately, I’ve been able to go there, grab a positive attitude, and kill at caring and problem solving. Also there’s no time to think about anything private for the whole day. Work has let me forget, and feel good, and sometimes brilliant. That’s why now, two years after divorce, it’s so disappointing to find work is making me ill, too...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: Off the roller ... -
It's not gonna solve things, but there's tons of food for thought on codependancy We Can Do Hard Things - episode with Terri Cole and there's one with Melody Beattie (which is IMPERATIVE listening for those of us in these positions) and they refer to other episodes that they discuss codependancy. Also the episodes with Jennifer hattmaker are chefs kiss. Make no mistake there's tons of food for thought in them and u will need time to digest but definitely do critical thinking. I...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: honestly -
Though they have some traits, neither of my kids meet the threshold for ADHD. I do totally recognise the dynamic of having to ‘go nuclear’ for the ADHD spouse to take anything on board. The general impression was that he could not give a monkey’s about anything that was not immediately to do with his needs being met. I recently read Dr Sami Tamini’s book Searching for Normal. I’d highly recommend it, if you’re able to get hold of it where you live (he’s a UK psychologist and author) It...>>> on Forum topic - No diagnosis for kid
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by: Off the roller ... -
But honest question that it might be good to sit on.....but do you actually like your job? Like, you might want to explore your profession that you're good at it bc you've been conditioned and this has built up.... but maybe, just maybe, you might like to explore thinking about a new job? Or career?? Or something that doesn't involve caregiving. It sounds like you have a lot on plate. This is not advice to quit your job! It ain't that simple. But just think about what your job brings to your...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: Swedish coast -
Pursuer burnout is new to me, had to look it up. And of course, it sounds like the inevitable result of living with a passive depressed person who avoids honest conversation and doesn’t reach out to repair trust. What co-dependency is seems less clear when one tries to read about it? At this point I’d throw in a feminist point of view as well (everyone and everything likes to profit on but not reward hard-working women who turn chaos into order and never give up). And part of the...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: Off the roller ... -
Yeah I've only heard about pursuer burnout recently and it really relates to my soul. For co-dependancy, I can recommend some good podcast to listen to to start... it can be very difficult and its easy and familiar to "fight it", eg letting the voice in your head, while listening to something that gets your back up (meaning theh are hitting a nerve), counter everything someone says in a podcast or whatever you're reading. The voice tells you you're an exception, but really, we are not. Just...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: Off the roller ... -
I wish I had the magic words to help you feel better. Jus know you aren't alone. Its so so so hard.>>> on Forum topic - And it continues ...
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by: Off the roller ... -
I'm the same. Always wondering why everyone trampled on my boundaries but I had to swallow my pride and when I took the time to learn them, realised I was the one trampling on myself. Absorbing as much as I could across podcasts ans books about co-dependancy really helped big time. But it's not perfect but there's been a lot of progress. I'm in the thick of some heavy stuff right now but I'm super proud of my own boundaries or at least being able to recognise burnout and pursuer burnout long before it...>>> on Forum topic - Caregiver burnout
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by: Swedish coast -
Somebody wrote about hope being a woman’s enemy sometimes. As when hoping a not so promising behavior in a partner will go away with time. And assuming if she just puts in enough love and care and work, things will automatically go well. For me, hoping and loving and trying wasn’t enough. I’m hoping next time I won’t try to solve somebody else’s issues, or compensate for their dysfunction. Next time, I would like a partner to show me they can contribute to our life together.>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: sickandtired -
I really think he needs to make more of an effort to commit to dealing with his issues before you marry him. Being too critical of my child would be a deal breaker, and that will only get worse once he feels he has you tied up in a marriage. This kind of stepfather will have negative effects on your child’s self esteem for the rest of his life. Why do you want to marry someone who is not affectionate toward you or your son??? Husbands are not like home improvement projects you can fix up after you...>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: honestly -
‘Even if you do I’d expect harm and especially conflict as your boy doesn’t have the same imperative to bond with your partner, and even if he did I am afraid to say it’s only likely to do him harm.’ sorry this is borderline jibberish. I meant, your son is likely to rebel, which will be bad (conflict), or comply with what his stepdad dish out, which will also be bad (destroyed self esteem).>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: honestly -
has suffered considerable psychological harm from his ADHD father’s behaviour. I’ve posted about this a couple of times recently. He’s now in is twenties. The day to day experience of feeling not worthy of a father’s attention and interest, whilst being the recipient of his blame and impatience has a profound impact on a child. It is so appalling for heterosexual girls in terms of what they expect in their future relationships, but in boys it damages their very essence- their understanding of what it...>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: 1Melody1 -
As someone who left a 20-year marriage and knows how hard that is to do once you're locked in, I'd really caution you to take time to consider if going through with this marriage is the right decision. ADHD is very, very hard on the non-ADHD partner and other family members (e.g. your son). If he is unwilling to medicate (I don't know his stance on therapy), you likely can't expect improvements and if anything, things will get worse once he's comfortable. For me, that looked like doing...>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: J -
To your question, that's my answer. Seeing isn't believing, knowing comes a vastly deeper well of knowledge. Learning to read the signs, after you identify what they are, I can trust the patterns more than the person themselves. Beneath that, the feeling that use to be there feels gone or missing and the you knew doesn't seem to know you or understand you yet you've done nothing different? You haven't changed. When your person, no longer knows you, by attributing all manner of...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: Fillyseven -
Hi, I’m new to this community and looking for some advice.>>> on Forum topic - Cold feet about our wedding
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by: BurnedOutLady -
Scoobydo, you do YOU. You need a good long time with no man at all, to find yourself and support yourself. I know a lot about all the types of dysfunctional, abusive, hypocritical and controlling people and situations you have mentioned here. Yes, you need therapy, but you can start by learning to value and love yourself every single day. And realize when you are gravitating toward what is comfortable for you, even if it is abusive, because you know it. It's familiar. What is not familiar to you is...>>> on Forum topic - Adhd and bipolar
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by: BurnedOutLady -
Your post reads exactly like the words going through my head today. How can we believe the person loves us as much as they claim they do, when they won't do the work to make being with them bearable?>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: scoobydo -
Hello BurnedOutLady; You hit the nail on the head when you brought forward self esteem. My father was a "born again Christian " but beat my mom and paid very very little attention to his kids. We lived on a very isolated farm, my dad worked in the city and came home on weekends and expected all the chores to be done do he could entertain his friends and smoke pot. My self esteem is pretty much non existent and when I try to form some semblance of communication, even that is not addressed. My...>>> on Forum topic - Adhd and bipolar
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by: BurnedOutLady -
"Am I asking too much to want some small bit of security? I know nothing is guaranteed in life but maybe im asking too much? Am I? Are my expectations unreasonable? Should I have more faith in the Lord and in my fiance? I feel like s failure!!!" You feel like a failure? In what way? I think if you really feel this way, and if you are asking if it is too much to want a small bit of security, to be honest you have some core issues that you should address in yourself first before you can have...>>> on Forum topic - Adhd and bipolar
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by: BurnedOutLady -
I'm really sorry for you. I'm in my situation for 14 years and I am a wreck. can't imagine 40. I hope you can totally stop thinking about him and totally focus on you and your healing.>>> on Forum topic - Yank myself out of the numbness
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