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by: Swedish coast -
In our sweet time, perhaps we’ll date! I’m glad you’re doing well.>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: 1Melody1 -
Whoops sorry, I do go out, but my family means "go out and have fun" with men. lol I do weekly things with a bunch of other women, meet friends for coffee and dinner, take walks multiple times per week, etc. I quite enjoy it all and I'm not sure I need to be in a relationship again. I'm glad we're having this conversation because it is making me think more about it than I have in a while and evaluate again if it's something I want to pursue anytime soon. I'm so glad you're getting out,...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
How tiresome with a family of default couplehood belief. Going out is something I’ve recently started doing. Not to night clubs or anything. I take myself out to tiny adventures like going to museums alone and having lunch out. It’s not even enjoyable all the time and sometimes I’m sad. But it’s practice. I walk myself like a small dog on a leash, tending to my own needs and impulses. It’s unfamiliar (having focused on the family’s needs). I try things out like I’ve never done them before...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
This is exactly it, every word you wrote is true here as well. The neurodivergent family of origin is another insecurity of mine. I was taught by now deceased family members to have some boundaries, though they approved of my ex in the early days. But no adults in my present family have standards for relations I can comprehend. They all frighten me. Noone understood my predicament in the marriage or offered healthy advice. They’re aloof after divorce. I certainly can’t trust any of them to help...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: 1Melody1 -
I hear you. My family doesn't understand either. I think it's hard for people who don't see the impact of the ADHD dysfunction on daily life to comprehend what we went through. My family seems very eager for me to date, but they see coupledom as the default/only option. I know a lot of them are wondering why I don't just go find someone as if that's the only key to happiness. I'm actually getting really tired of people suggesting I "just have to find another man" or that I should "go out and have fun...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: 1Melody1 -
I really feel this, Swedish. It has been years for me and I'm not sure I can date. There are so many reasons, likely the first of them being that I still feel depleted by the marriage... and I don't feel like I've refilled myself enough to have energy to invest in another person. I'm not sure I'll ever have it in me again. It's also sad to me that I see relationships as depleting now. I'm afraid of dating at my age. Afraid I'll never find a(nother) deep love at this age - despite it all, I did...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
C, I’m with you. Reluctantly, I realize at some point one has to date if one can’t get used to living alone. Dating is the ultimate horror at this point. I can’t stand the thought of rejection. Neither to invest my soul into a relationship and again end up emotionally and physically shipwrecked. C, I think you can afford to be a little boastful. A sense of self-worth is a minimum floating device in the shark-infested waters of modern dating, so I’ve been told. Perhaps even a bit of pride can...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: c ur self -
I love that this subject (people pleasing, self esteem etc.) come up...I needed to hear what you two had to say about it, and your own life experience's...Some times (even as aware as I think I am, and want to be) it's good to consider all aspects of of how we do life...I might not gain much ground, but, it's a hundred present guarantee that positive change want ever happen if I stick my head in the sand, about any issue... The self esteem part (if I'm honest w/myself) is what has been holding...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
The not accepting help, I think it’s a mechanism of integrity. It’s ultimately destructive, but it has a solid reason at least. Not asking help from subtly hostile in-laws is a way of keeping independent. Not asking uninterested neurodivergent siblings to help with the children is a way of keeping socializing with them light. Not burdening friends is more elegant than requesting their precious time. Not fighting with your depressed dysfunctional partner for equality every time is perhaps...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: 1Melody1 -
All the things he's doing... sleeping in 'til noon, not taking the job search seriously, leaving most of the childcare burden to you, smoking the day away... and then getting angry at you for trying to have a conversation about it?? Try to imagine a world where you do all those things to him. You wouldn't and he likely wouldn't carry the load he's left to you. This point I'm trying to make is that you're not expecting too much. You're simply expecting that the man who married you and had children with...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry. This sounds very difficult. By what you write I get the impression your husband doesn’t have any idea what his actions mean in your perspective. Even if he doesn’t mean to hurt you, this is no way to treat a wife and mother of one’s children. People who don’t see their impact are in my experience just as bad for you as those who will harm other people intentionally. The therapist didn’t see it either. It seems often there is very little outside support for people...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry to hear about narcissism and abuse in your past. It breaks my heart that you did all that, all those academic achievements, sad inside and hoped it would help. I wonder how much of what we do is just to be accepted. You’re welcome to rant as much as you want. But you don’t come across as negative. I associate you with wisdom.>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: honestly -
the patterns - doing something to hurt you and then telling you you have to get over it. The leaving you even in pregnancy to do the literal and figurative heavy lifting. The prickliness. You could be describing my ex, except that he drank rather than smoked. And hyperfocussed on work. And wasted hours on social media while i struggled on with difficult pregnancies and small children. The only thing that ever worked at all with my ex was going nuclear. No amount of gentle requests worked - he...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: honestly -
Sweedish and C, the ways you interact and comment on here, where there’s really very little people pleasing to be achieved, suggests to me how essentially good you are at core. It feels like comradeship and without any side or shade. It’s so much easier to do what i tend to do - rant in fury and resentment - even though I’m pretty sure by now ADHD was probably only about a third of what was going on with my ex. as for being solid in your own sense of yourself, your accomplishments etc; I have...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
Your presence is the best comfort. My psychologist now says I have complex PTSD from the marriage and extended family neurodivergence. I don’t know if that would apply to you - I certainly hope not - but perhaps it describes some of what we’ve been through. The cure for this is not googling it, as I’d be prone to, but to do simple things for oneself. Doing amazing things (the chair!) and expecting nothing in return is Christian and generally admirable, but I’d love to see...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: honestly -
Thank you. Firstly, just to say I am so sorry to hear how your father treated you. That’s such a deep wound. Secondly, I’ve been thinking on what you said, and it was wise though I didn’t want to absorb it initially. Then I was clearing out my desk, and found old photos and notebooks from when me and the ex were first together; the first few years. And looking at them, reading them; I was happy then, and it was real. It was just a different reality to where we ended up. A mix of hope...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: c ur self -
I felt your every word deep inside me...I could write a book, but, I will spare you...I've known I'm an HSP, for a long time...But, I'm thinking it's more...I'm probably an Empath... I was forced into adulthood early because of a working abandoned Mother, and two distracted minded brothers...I ran interference...On my job for 38 years, I ran interference, took own every project no would wanted...I got use to my boss, calling me in and loading me up...(So it would get done)...I still do anything...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: c ur self -
When we chose to live self centered lives, and excuse the ramification's those behaviors have on the people we should consider above ourselves, (our spouses and children) that tells it's own story! It's obvious you see it based on this very detailed picture you have painted us...Since he is an unsafe person who isn't concerned about your well being above his own laziness & addiction, I say you should live like he doesn't exist (as for as expectations)...Because at the end of the day, we have to...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: c ur self -
I suggest you work on your own peace of mind...Accept that you have and will continue to live lovingly toward her, but you must not allow your mind and emotions to hinge on seeking a certain result from her (forfeit your peace)...If she want talk to you after 20 years of being invested in you guy's marriage, see it for what it really is, and ADHD has nothing to do with it...My ADD wife moved further and further away until she lived in the guest room the last 5 years, (a conscience act) and took no...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
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by: N4ally2 -
So agree with c ur self. I would add the following. In my marriage, I struggled with trying to be the task master and keeping a full time job. I eventfully had to come to the realization that I cannot do it all and my adhd partner must take on some chores. That was the 1st piece of the puzzle. The 2nd piece of the puzzle came when I learn and played the Fair Play Game. The game taught us to figure out our agreed standard for what does done involve in a task. That helped us so much because my partner...>>> on Forum topic - Is the ADHD spouse ever the "chore master"?
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