Hello, Ive been coming here quite often recently after discovering that I have ADHD along with OCD. I havent been diagnosed with them yet, I go in next week. Just seeing all of the symptoms and stories that sound exactly like mine though. So on with my story.
I am married going on six years in July, we have always had problems and I always blame myself for pretty much all of them. There were some things I regret doing. The biggest being that I had a picture of another women that I had kept secretly,or tried to. It wasn't someone I was trying to make any plans with, in fact they didn't even live in the country but I was talking to her before my wife and I got together. Lied about it because I was ashamed and embarrassed among other feelings of guilt. I completely understand her not believing me or trusting me after that. 100% I do. That was in fact one thing that she hates the most Lies. Plus there is the added fact that she was diagnosed with high anxiety a long time ago, before we got together and a myriad of really bad relationships that shes had. We have also had all the classic arguments. Me spending a ton of money using credit cards things like that. I have since stopped those behaviors. I start many things and never finish, house is always messy, we also have a two year old and 18 month old. The 18 month old seems to have an anxiety disorder as she can not do anything at all with out him screaming until she and usually only she picks him up. She cant get things done due to that plus the fact that I dont usually make things better. Household chores and responsibilities. Usually fall on her. and just things like that that constantly get brought up over and over. I get that she has a really difficult time letting things go and thinks about them almost daily she has told me, but Ive read and also feel that just clinging to these and always bringing them up will not allow us to move on and heal. Since Ive discovered that I have ADHD and OCD I have begun to think about what I can remember from my past with her and beyond. I can pretty much answer most of it with " that sounds like it was a sign or warning of this or that" It also sounded like I had ODD when I was younger as well. Back to present day. Now when we argue if I even hint at ADHD or OCD being the reason that its affecting what I do, am doing or cant remember something i should be remembering. I get that its only being used as an excuse. I tried to say it in a way that was not using them as an excuse but I feel that is her only thought on the topic when I bring it up. She always tells me that I dont care about her and would rather be doing something else that something with her. Far from the truth and everytime I tell her that I DO actually care and why it is not being seen that way or why I am not able to show it as easily as it is for others. She has recently joined a afacebook group and added as an administrator for it as well. She is on that phone most of the time when I see her after work or durring the weekend. Now, I know I was on my phone a lot and she told me she didnt like it. It took me some time but I am not on as nearly as much any more. Especially after we get the kds to bed. Sometimes Ill get on it when I see her on hers but I try so hard to not get on mine. I have been putting it on the charger away from me, and that helps. She told me that she feels like I rush her to get things done only when I want to do something. I see that. Again I want her to be able to do things too, even though something is compelling me to do otherwise. just this week, I wanted to get intimate and I let her know. We got the kids to bed eventually, watched a show and unwound a bit. I kissed her while she was on the phone doing her thing on facebook. So she says she just needs to finish something reall quick. Goes to put it up on the charger while im sitting waiting for her to come back. She stood there for a couple minutes still going so I decided I was going to get up and try to start kissing her again while she does that. BIG mistake. She went to put up the phone then some things fell and she just got really irritated at me and said all I was doing is making her get off the phone and rushing her. Which, ok I was and I felt sorry about it. I tend to say sorry a lot, I dont know if anyone else with ADHD does that alot. So I ruined that, mind you its been a rough couple weeks lately and not much has happened in that area if at all. Again in bed after that she tells me that thats why she thinks we need a break and again that I do not care about her at all. I just dont know what to do any more. Ive given her a couple articles about ADHD marriages and a link to this site because they've help me out to understand so much about myself. I asked her if she could take a look at them. I dont think she has though. I do know she has read one thing at least. I dont think that she is understanding what it is and what Im actually going through myself. I know her anxiety affects her a lot and ive read things and try to help and understand when she may being having an attack or something. And I don't get mad at her because I feel like Ive done so much to hurt her that I dont deserve to get angry with her at all. I just wish She would read more so she can get a better understanding about it and maybe see that things i do or say are not a portrayal of me. Its like my evil twin. I just dont know what to do any more.