“It is not me nor my spouse that is broken. It is the relationship that is broken.” These wise words were posted in the forum not too long ago. A breath of fresh air and some great perspective – so much clearer than blaming your partner!
So often couples spend all of their energy engrossed in blaming each other for their marital issues. A typical combination would include an ADHD partner who thinks that the ‘real’ problem in the relationship is his partner’s angry attitude (“If you would just be nicer, everything would be fine…”) and a non-ADHD partner who thinks it’s all about the ADHD (“If you would just take care of managing your ADHD everything would be okay.”) The reality, as I’ve written before, is that they both contribute, and need to look to themselves to start fixing the problems.
The idea that the relationship that is broken, not the partners, provides an incredibly empowering platform for growth. When you stop blaming each other you leave room for cooperation. And when you are trying to fix a broken relationship, rather than a broken partner, you are likely to think about how you are interacting…for that is what relationships are all about. To do that well you must think not only of your partner’s behaviors and words, but monitor and improve your own, as well.
Suddenly there is room to develop empathy…to listen…to hear…and maybe even to work together to fix things.
And that is the beginning of something much, much more positive than mutual blame.