One of the things that I have heard and seen time and time again from many people with ADHD is that there's no point in their trying to meet expectations, because they will always fail. My ADHD husband used to frequently tell me this. And I understand the feeling. I've been through that experience myself, even though I don't have ADHD. I have felt the despair and the sense of just being completely beaten down by what other people do with ease.
But I've learned some important lessons about this over the years, both first-hand and through my ADHD spouse and our ADHD relatives. And the primary conclusion I've come away with is that the *real* problem in many of these situations isn't that the ADHDer truly can't manage to meet any commitments or objectives because of their ADHD -- the *real* problem is that they just haven't found "their" way to achieve them yet. Here's how I've come to this realization.
I first began to realize that different people's brains worked differently when I was in college. I'd been an outstanding student in high school, top 5%, and had my pick of dozens of universities. But when I got to college, my grades fell apart. Part of it was undoubtedly due to being away from my family for the first time, and part of it was that I was at a tough school and swimming in a much bigger pond, so to speak. But even after I got past these issues, my grades only improved a little. I couldn't understand it. I knew I was smart enough, and I was studying like crazy -- something I'd never had to spend any time at in high school. I finally got so discouraged, I just gave up, and the college threw me out after my junior year for failing grades.
This was a crushing blow to my self-esteem. My parents were upset, my life goals were in ruins. My friends were sympathetic but had no help to offer. I tried to get work as an assistant in my field of study, but nobody wanted me without a degree -- the only jobs I could get were clerical temp positions that paid poorly and drove me crazy with boredom and frustration (and horrible commuting, since I couldn't afford to live close to where most of the jobs were). I felt that trying college again was my only alternative, and applied to numerous schools, including some of the ones that had accepted me back in high school, but those doors were now all shut -- at best I got a sympathetic "sorry", and some of the rejections were frankly cruel. After several years, I finally found a small obscure college that was willing to admit me on probation, although it would take me two more years to complete a degree.
I vowed I would do better this second time around -- but I was also terrified -- because I *still* didn't know why I'd had such a terrible time with college before, so I had no idea how I was going to make it work. And to make matters worse, I *had* to take two terms of chemistry -- the one subject that hadn't made *any* sense to me in high school, even though I'd gotten good enough grades. I was certain it was going to be a disaster. I don't think I could have faced it without the encouragement of my husband.
But instead I got one of the luckiest breaks of my life -- because my chemistry prof allowed us to bring in three 3x5 cards to each exam. If I could pack enough information on those cards, I might have a chance to get through the class. A week before the first big exam, I started preparing my cards. Now, I'd tried using 3x5 cards for studying before (along with using highlighters, and taking notes, and many other classic study techniques -- to no avail), but this was different. Here I needed to somehow represent the key information I would need to remember but might have trouble recalling completely and correctly during the test. I didn't need to put *everything* on the 3x5 cards, just certain kinds of things. And I needed to make the information clear and compact. In some cases, a small picture served better than a bunch of words. Having different colored cards for different groups of information also helped me connect the pieces together better.
I got a perfect score on my first exam, and it was *easy*. When I was taking the exam, I hardly needed to look at the cards at all, because I could "read" them in my mind's eye. And the light finally dawned: my memory is predominantly *visual*. The more visual distinctiveness things have, the more they stand out in my mind. In order to absorb information, I need to organize information in a way that is visually unforgettable.
I graduated with an A average, and with highest honors -- because I found "my" way.
In the years since, I've seen this general idea in action with many many people. With my ADHD spouse. With my ADHD son. With my non-ADHD daughter. Each of them has a different set of "wiring" in their brains. Each of them learns in a different way. My husband learns best from direct experience -- my son from reading and contemplation -- my daughter is even more visually oriented than I am. Each of them accomplishes things in a different way, and has learned "their" way to be effective. This wasn't something they were born knowing, and it hasn't all been easy to find out. My ADHD husband didn't learn some of his effective ways to achieve objectives until he was in his fifties, and some of it took a fair amount of trial and error and hard work. My son has also struggled but has slowly uncovered what doesn't work for him and what does. There are other folks with ADHD on this forum that have obviously found "their" way through some combination of good luck and determined endeavor.
So to those who continue to grapple with the frustrations of their ADHD and believe they will always fail, let me offer you my absolute faith, from the sum of my experience, that you *can* succeed in meeting expectations -- maybe not at everything or all the time, but more often than you yourself can see. Just because your road is off the beaten path doesn't mean that you can't get there from here! Begin a quest for "your" way -- find someone who is willing to help you see a way to go when the light is dim or the jungle is thick, and be willing to listen to what they observe -- seek out counselors who can suggest different ways forward when you get stuck. Every person I know, with or without ADHD, who has embarked on such an endeavor has been glad they made the effort, even if they didn't end up exactly where they wanted or envisioned, and all have found some significant degree of understanding that helped them and enriched their lives.
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Comments
So what are you supposed to do with the anger?
Submitted by madhatter on
OK, I'm new here and haven't read every single post, but the recurrent theme seems to be that the non ADHD spouse is supposed to let go of the anger. Sounds noble and all that, but how? Oh, I can try to be less critical and sarcastic and bitchy, at least some of the time, but I feel depressed and overwhelmed by how hard it is to accomplish the simplest thing in my family. (I have a card-carrying ADHD husband and child, and another child who is probably disorganized enough to qualify.) And when my veneer of patience cracks, there's real fury just under the surface.
Does anyone remember the book and/or the movie A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, with the sweet, unreliable, alcoholic father whom everyone loved, and the pinched, nagging mother whom everyone hated? I feel like that mother (though not nearly as pretty as Dorothy McGuire). I turned to this site with great hope, but I seem to keep getting the message that I should be endlessly patient and tolerant and encouraging on top of everything else that I have to do because no one else is organized enough to take care of it. It sounds as if my husband supposed to get a free pass to be three hours late (or months or years) and leave tasks half-done, while I'm supposed to keeping smiling and picking up the pieces. He'd definitely be happier, but I'm too sad and exhausted and, well, mad to pull it off.... Am I the only one who feels this way?
On the same page
Submitted by countmein on
madhatter, thanks for your comment - i feel that we're on exactly the same page (i just got on the site today, and i've lost patience and tolerance for my husband's situation). in the last few weeks, i have said and thought some of the same things you posted here. so, while i don't have any answers for you, i did want to say that you are not alone.
same page, different book
Submitted by WantingBetterFo... on
I am a husband with ADHD. And yes my wife is at her wits end with it and me seems like. I have the anger and frustration as well but not only does mine come from the ADHD; It also comes from the fact that everytime my wife speaks to me she is short and hateful. How do you fix communication when the spouse without the ADHD is so consumed with frustation and anger they don't want to try? I am a father of 3 and husband of almost 8 years. I have had my problems since childhood and now my son has the same. My wife is hit double by it. Please if anyone has any suggestions for me to ease the frustration and anger that my wife has aquired through this please let me know.
And just to give the ADHD side of it: I know for me personally, I am to the point that I feel like I am always the cause of every frustration and every angry action. This is to the spouses out there. Please give us a little slack before you get fully frustrated everytime b/c when you look back and realized what bullcrap you just got arguing over, you BOTH feel dumb.
What are you angry at?
Submitted by arwen on
I don't mean to be facetious -- it's an important question for the non-ADHD spouse to address in coming to terms with their ADHD spouse or relatives.
If your spouse was a quadriplegic, would you be angry? Probably not, although you might if your spouse acted like they were completely helpless, did nothing to try to make their handicap less of a burden, and was not grateful for your help and kindness. But you wouldn't be angry about their disability, you'd be angry about the way they were dealing with it.
I understand that being a quadriplegic is not something that can be controlled, and some aspects of ADHD can be, so the comparison is not apples to apples. But it's important to understand that some aspects, or some degree, of ADHD behavior can't be controlled, or can't be easily controlled, either. And in my experience, there is just as little point at being angry about the uncontrollable aspects of ADHD as there is about the uncontrollable aspects of being a quadriplegic.
What complicates the ADHD situation beyond a basic physical disorder is that it's a disorder that monkeys with the ADHDer's perceptions in the mind as well. If you don't perceive that people are helping you, it's hard to be grateful for their help and kindness! If you don't perceive the nature of your disability, it's hard to see what you need to do to deal with it.
This absolutely does not mean that a person with ADHD gets a free pass from personal responsibility in dealing with their disorder. It does mean that they usually can't do it alone. It does mean that they have to work very very hard to listen, to learn, to adapt -- much much harder than you may understand -- and like most of us they sometimes don't feel as motivated as maybe they should to work so very hard. When they refuse to work, refuse to listen, refuse to learn -- then they absolutely deserve other people's anger. In my opinion, from my experience, the role of the non-ADHD spouse is *not* to be the place where the family buck stops, is *not* to be the safety net for the ADHDers -- the non-ADHD spouse's role is to help identify what can be changed and what needs to be changed so that responsibilities can be appropriately handled by both spouses, to their mutual benefit.
What this all means, in my experience, is that one of the first and most important steps in dealing with ADHD is to figure out which aspects of the ADHDer's behaviors really *are* innately impossible, or very difficult, to control, and which are the *consequences* of their disorder -- that is, the coping mechanisms they've adopted over the years. For example, ADHDers typically have innate memory problems. It's not a question of motivation, or effort, or practice (although these things can mitigate the problem to some degree) -- it's an inherent part of the physiological differences in their brains. There's no real point in being angry that they can't remember as well as the average person, it's part of the physical disorder. But if their coping mechanism has been to just not worry about it and let others deal with the fallout -- if they refuse to utilize tools to help them remember, like lists, PDA's, recording devices, mnemonic tricks, whatever might work for them -- then they are not accepting responsibility for their problem and earn whatever censure they receive.
Determining which behaviors are which requires a fair amount of time and effort. But once you do, you have the knowledge to focus your efforts, and your anger, if that's appropriate. If you are directing your anger at things that your spouse both can and can't control, your spouse may very well feel unjustly treated (for the anger about things that can't be controlled) and may tune out *all* your anger in response. If your anger is appropriately applied in a fair and focused manner on the things that *can* be changed, it can be a useful signal to your spouse.
I also suggest it could be worthwhile to consider whether some of your anger is misplaced. After living with my ADHD spouse for 35 years -- many of them unhappy, angry years because I didn't understand what I was dealing with -- I've concluded that our society deserves some of that anger. It's clear to me that our culture's inclination to use punishment as a means of educating those outside various norms has been the direct source of some of the inappropriate coping mechanisms that ADHDers often learn, as well as of the intolerance that some non-ADHDers learn.
If you are angry about the uncontrollable, I don't know what to suggest to you. I don't believe in a deity in the traditional sense, but I figure if there is one, that entity (being so amazingly more perfect than I) either knows better than I what is best for me (in which case I have no call to be angry for my lack of understanding), or it doesn't care (in which case my being angry is just a silly waste of my energy). Sometimes life just hands you a bum deal. You can waste your energy being mad, or you can take that energy and use it to make your life better.
So, to answer your question, what do you do with the anger? Use it. Don't let it control you and get in the way of change. It's precious -- make it work for you. Use it to fuel a determination to learn about ADHD, to observe your spouse's behaviors, to talk with your spouse and find out how their brain works -- so you can take that knowledge and negotiate a new paradigm with your spouse that can work for both of you, and get off the treadmill you're presently on. In a sense, by asking your question, you have already started this effort. You don't need to read every post, but there are many that are worthwhile and this site can be a great resource through the chance to learn from other people's experiences. If some of your anger is rooted in despair, I suggest you seek counseling for yourself.
My spouse wasn't diagnosed until 15 years ago. He's been on meds and going to counseling ever since -- and we've also been to some sporadic joint counseling over the years. Although the meds and counseling helped significantly, and he made progress in some ways, other aspects of his ADHD got worse, and five years ago we were separated for nearly a year because I couldn't deal with it anymore. Yet today we have a strong, happy relationship that works for both of us. We achieved this through lots of hard work, lots of discussion, a true desire to understand and learn and change (both of us! since I'm by nature an impatient, angry person to start with), lots of trial and error, and damping down the anger on both sides -- because for us, anger mostly just got in the way of progress. It's not perfection -- just this past week my spouse got the rough side of my tongue because he'd gone back to some bad old habits while away on a business trip -- but we have the means now to work things out. Getting to this point is not work for the faint-hearted, but we are proof that it can be done.
My posts from 2010 end with the tag line you will see below -- you can search for them using it, if you want to read more. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Arwen-- I appreciate the
Submitted by madhatter on
Arwen--
I appreciate the long and thoughtful response, and am glad you've found happiness. But shockingly enough, if my husband suddenly became a quadriplegic, I'd probably be mad at hell--at the world but also at him, for making my life so hard. Did my husband suddenly develop ADD? No, but neither of us realized he had it for a very long time, and this was not what I signed on for.
I've had counseling, he's had meds, and in fact I know a lot about ADD (including that you're supposed to call his version of it ADHD Without Hyperactivity, but that just seems silly to me). Can you share what turned things around for you, besides the temporary separation?
what turned around
Submitted by arwen on
I've addressed your question to some degree in my guest blog about overcoming anger (http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/overcoming-anger-non-add-spouse).
The turnaround isn't something that happened as an "aha!" moment, or overnight, it was a gradual process over two or three years -- learning what worked better and what didn't work, and why, and steadily applying that knowledge. I want to be very clear on this -- like you, I had already known a LOT about ADHD -- but that doesn't mean I *understood* it. Understanding means you know something about what it's like to have a sieve for a memory -- not just how it makes you feel, but also how it affects your thinking, your decision-making, the way you function in everyday life, the tools that are effective for you, and so on. It means you know something about what it's like to be driven by impulses that are extremely difficult to control -- not just experience them, but have them as a constant in your day-to-day life. You have to walk around in the ADHDer's shoes and life, *not as yourself*, but as *them*. Doing that may involve trying to create some kind of facsimile of their conditions as a basis of operations. All this will not be able to show you *exactly* what their world is like, but it is definitely an eye-opening revelation. I did a lot of work to "model" my husband's brain function and condition in my own head.
For example, how many of us find it easy to think about something challenging when there are lots of demands being made on us simultaneously as well as a lot of noise and a lot of visual distraction? Have you ever been driving a car, for instance, while trying to find an address in an unfamiliar area without a map, and a screaming baby and a couple of fighting toddlers in the back seat, plus one of them has a loud musical game or CD playing? And felt like you couldn't hear yourself think? Don't just imagine living that way all the time -- try to actually re-create a situation for yourself that is as much of an assault on your senses as this example -- in other words, put yourself at the same kind of disadvantage that your spouse routinely suffers under -- and then try to function that way all day. This kind of an exercise can promote a whole difference perspective on the ADHDer's life.
Part of what helped was my husband's commitment to working things out. I certainly don't mean to suggest that he wasn't trying to deal with his problems or our difficulties before our separation, but he came to realize that they mattered more than he had thought, and this brought him to attach a much higher importance to dealing with them, or at least the critical issues, than before. As my husband and I worked through our separation, and afterwards, it was clear that he was in this effort for the long haul -- no hyperfocusing for now and then dropping it later when things were working out better for him. I think it's fair to say that the separation caused him to re-evaluate the importance of my happiness as a permanent consideration in his thinking and behavior. This change was very important to me, and certainly reduced the friction between us over his ADHD issues.
Our kids also helped a little. We've always worked hard to keep them out of the middle of our marital issues, but obviously they couldn't avoid being exposed to some of it. Our son, who has ADHD, and our daughter, who doesn't, gave us insights in different ways. Our son is very good at bridging the understanding gap on the rare occasions when we just can't connect with the other spouse's wavelength at all, and we are intensely grateful that in his adulthood he has been willing to help us this way in a crunch. Our daughter has helped less intentionally -- she can be a very harsh critic, but the truth is that her "take" on our behaviors is frighteningly accurate and thus worth taking seriously, even if they are not very welcome at the time!
Just as important as these contributing factors, though, I think were some things that were true about ourselves and our relationship all along. I think a big part of what helped was my personal philosophy about life. I've never believed that I was inherently entitled to anything in life, except what is set out in the Declaration of Independence -- i.e. life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (which many people don't understand -- I have a right to *chase* my happiness, I'm not entitled to *be* happy). If I want something, it's on me. I believe in justice -- no double standards, no games -- and in truthfulness, including being honest with one's self -- no let's-pretend. But I also believe that judgment should be rendered with great care, and consideration be given to all views, because life has taught me that some of what seems crazy, isn't necessarily, and some of what seems sane in one context is pretty irrational in a broader one. I believe there are no free lunches. But I was brought up Roman Catholic, and while my religious views have evolved away from that faith in some areas, many of the church's teachings about how we treat each other have value and are part of my ethos. And with a few exceptions, I don't believe that most of us, in general, are asked to carry a heavier burden than we can really shoulder. But that doesn't mean that some help during the really tough spots is inappropriate or unnecessary. Finally, I think it helped that I'm a persistent, determined type of person who really hates the idea of throwing away 30 years of investment. Sometimes you need to cut your losses, and when my husband and I separated, I actually thought I was at just that place -- but I didn't like it. So when it looked like my husband was very serious about change, I was prepared to give that 30-year investment one more chance. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and try very hard not to delude myself about what it is.
I don't know if this answers your question. There is no silver bullet -- and what helped me may be of no use to someone else. But I would like to offer something else from my experience, that *isn't* in answer to your question. One of the things I learned about my anger when I was dealing with it was that in reality it was a substitute for crying. And the reason I was really crying inside was because I was feeling hurt. But when I looked at what was hurting me, I found that (1) some of my pain was self-inflicted (2) some of my pain was unwittingly inflicted by my spouse and (3) some of my pain was inflicted by an ignorant world who didn't understand. The self-inflicted pain I could fix, and the pain from the world I could discount or ignore -- that left a lot less pain to have to grapple with, as well as reducing the pain level to something more manageable. It was still very hard to deal with -- but no longer impossible. And when I expressed my true feelings when I was hurt by my spouse's ADHD behaviors, by crying instead of getting angry, my husband understood it better and was more responsive to it.
I hope you can find something helpful in all this -- I know how tough your situation has to be, both for you and for your spouse. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
getting the horse to drink water
Submitted by Bobs on
arwen
I found your posting very hopeful. Like you I have wandered from the church scene of my childhood and have in recent years found that some spiritual view of the situation is very helpful to reduce the stress (for me). The reduced stress and anger has put me in a more contemplative place now, thinking more like a problem solver about the situation. What I have struggled with you seem to have handled well... ie how to get the ADDer to accept the reality that their disease causes stress for others, and they have a responsibility to work with counselors, coaches, physicians, etc to minimize the negative impacts. This has been very frustrating for me in the past and still is to an extent. She will use the disease as an excuse when things go bad (which is very frequent) but verbalizes no responsibility or commitment to seek and apply new knowledge to manage the effects of that disease on others. This has estranged the family somewhat and the adult kids feel resentment over her refusal to seek help. We are all generally sympathetic and see it as a disease, but progress and treatment is nil to negative and things have been getting worse from year to year.
Help for this disease is not easy to get but I can help find it and I would. I believe good progress can be made if there is a will to improve. The challenge for me is to get the message through that there is a need to deal with the disease, beyond taking pills (maybe even instead of pills if all went well). Was the separation something that forced him to hit "rock bottom"? Was that the motivator which has been so hard for me to find? I would prefer to talk to her about the need and build the motivation but those discussions seem to always be perceived by her as critical and punitive, no matter how gentle and respectful the dialogue is. Councilors in the past were always dismissed as a waste of time, which makes it hard to get her reengaged. I feel like there is a fear of counciling and this is an excuse used to avoid it. Any advice on how to motivate the patient to get treatment would be appreciated.
wake-up call
Submitted by arwen on
There's no question that our separation was a very big wake-up call for my husband. But I think that our situation was a little more complex than him just needing a cold wet towel in the face, so to speak.
My ADHD spouse also has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which we did not know about and therefore were not initially treating when he was diagnosed with his ADHD 20 years into our marriage. And we'd had those 20 years before his diagnosis, during at least half of which he exhibited very few ADHD symptoms (his is the kind that is strong during childhood, abates during puberty, and re-emerges in midlife). So, we'd had some good years with very little ADHD impacts to build a foundation of a certain level of commitment. The treatment he was under for his ADHD was helping him make slow progress over the years.
But then when the SAD started to get to get worse, and we started trying to treat it, the situation became very much more volatile. Over the course of several years we experimented and discovered ways to treat it that were effective, but they required a lot of discipline on his part. When things got very busy at work in the fall of 2005, he decided to throw some of the treatments overboard, and his behavior became a very serious problem indeed. I repeatedly told him that we were heading for big trouble, but without the proper treatment, he just couldn't see what I was saying. His behavior was all over the map -- it truly was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. By the time spring came (traditionally his most troublesome time), I was stressed out of my skull from dealing with it and at my wits' end. It seemed that separation was literally the only way to save my sanity.
Our problem wasn't that my husband wasn't committed to dealing with his ADHD or making our relationship better. It was that he didn't understand how what seemed to him to be a little-bitty thing (not implementing some of his treatment) could make a huge difference in our relationship -- because he could not see any difference in his behavior with the treament or without. Since he couldn't see any difference from the inside, it was necessary for me to show him that there was a difference from the outside.
What the separation did make him commit to (or perhaps re-commit) was to look at his behavior and our situation not JUST from the inside, but also to listen to what I was saying about it, i.e. look at it from the outside. This was something he had done in the years before his ADHD had re-emerged, but had not managed to get back to before the SAD problems struck.
Possibly the issues you have with your spouse share some common ground with our experiences, but they may just as easily be different. (That's what makes ADHD relationships so hard to improve -- there's no template, each is different from the others one encounters.) And while my husband and I have learned eventually how to deal with our issues, there was a long period of time when I did *not* handle them well. Through trial and error I learned what kinds of things worked better for us and what did not. I also think it helped us a good deal that we were not trying so much to get my husband to learn a whole new approach to life as we were trying to get him back to the kinds of attitudes and behaviors he'd had before (it's always easier to return to the familiar than to forge ahead through the unfamiliar).
Needing a shock, a wake-up call, is a common theme in ADHD relationships. But I really believe it doesn't always have to be something as drastic as a separation. One method of getting through to my husband that often served this purpose, before the SAD problems got bad and threw a wrench into his progress, was "going on strike". If my husband wasn't inclined to make an effort to deal with his responsibilities, then I stopped making an effort too. I found ways to make sure that our kids' needs were met while at the same time not doing a lick else, if he was "too busy" or "couldn't bother" or whatever his excuse was for doing something fun instead of what was needed. It required a certain amount of planning and setup to make sure he suffered the maximum amount of shock with the minimum impact to our kids, but it often conveyed the message far more directly than mere discussion would have. (I've often joked that my husband's brains don't "talk" to his "guts", his emotions -- when we would talk about things, he would deal with it abstractly -- when I went on strike, he felt the reality in his "guts".) It's important to understand that things aren't "real" to many ADHDers unless they *feel* them -- so sometimes it's necessary to communicate with them through their feelings instead of just words. I'm not advocating inflicting terrible or unnecessary pain, but just as it is sometimes necessary to hurt a child in a small way to save them from a much more serious hurt (e.g. knocking their hand away before they burn themselves on a stove), sometimes it's necessary to explain how their behavior makes you feel by forcing them to walk in your shoes and feel what you feel.
As far as the counseling question goes, it may again be a complex situation. If the counselors you have seen in the past have not been familiar with ADHD issues *and* how they affect marital relationships, I can understand why your spouse could have felt they were "a waste of time" (not that they were -- but I can see how they might *seem* so). Finding a good match been counselor and patient is so important! My husband's counselor did *not* know about ADHD when he and my husband started working together, but my husband was very comfortable with him because we had worked with him successfully in marital counseling, and the counselor was very willing to learn whatever he could about the ADHD. It made the progress slower, but more certain. But the bottom line is that it's very much more difficult and slower to successfully deal with ADHD/marital issues without a counselor than with one -- so it is worth it to put the effort into a search for a good one. You could also mention to your spouse that even people who deal with ADHD successfully see counselors for many years -- my husband has been going to counseling for 15 years and still continues regularly -- because life is constantly throwing us into new situations that we have to come to grips with in the context of our abilities and disabilities.
I don't know if any of this has been helpful to you -- I'll be glad to answer any questions you may have, but there are no magic answers and what works for one doesn't always help another. All I can really suggest to you is that you read as much as you can on this site, to help understand and get ideas -- experiment and if one thing doesn't work, try another, be persistent -- and consider individual counseling, which helps you even if it doesn't help the ADHDer, as there is benefit even in this. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
wake-up call
Submitted by Bobs on
Thanks arwen - I will try to apply your wise advice, and appeal to her emotions to agree to counselling.
my anger and his denial
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I keep reading posts about getting rid of the anger in order to move forward. This is hard, because the anger is really years and years of being HURT. We will be married 28 years this month, 24 of them being undiagnosed ADHD in my husband. When it comes to our relationship, my husband absolutely refuses to face ANY issue that is causing hurt for either of us. He acknowledged his ADHD, is on Concerta and went through 2-3 years of counseling and learning about his disorder. He will not acknowledge what the ADHD is doing to hurt our relationship.
1. We went through the years and years of him messing the house up. He would start at the front door, dropping his briefcase, coat, shoes and other things then continue up the stairs to the kitchen. I could follow his trail from the door to the kitchen to the bedroom to the office, family room, bathroom, etc. I used to strategically place items on all our tables to keep him from putting papers and notes all over them. I was tired of MESS all over the house. He NEVER picked up after himself. It was exhausting, but the worst part was the CAR KEY HUNT every single morning for over 15 years. It's time for him to leave for work, and he's already late because he was playing games on the computer. He starts running wildly around the house screaming "Where's my keys", and would demand our daughters and I go on a mad hunt for his car keys. In the meantime, he's yelling and angry and accusing us of purposely taking his keys. I would usually find them, and then he's out the door. The girls and I are left in a heap of sweat, ears burning from being screamed at, and then my husband would be STUNNED when later I would tell him I WAS ANGRY. (he would actually look shocked) But, if I did this, he would have a hissy-fit. There were a couple of times where I lost my keys, but HE would not help me look the whole time giving me a lecture on "being responsible for the car keys". I finally got him to put his keys on a key holder by the front door, but that only lasted a while.
I have had more lectures from him on "how to do things", on subjects he knew little to nothing about. His refusal to acknowledge that I just might know a "little" bit about things is also maddening. But, THE STRUGGLE on EVERYTHING creates anger. Another subject: Driving - He is a HORRIBLE driver, and many of our friends and family refuse to ride with him anymore. I have a severe pain condition that gets worse in the car, but every single time we get in the car, he has to be reminded to DRIVE STRAIGHT and not wavy or "over the lines". He falls asleep driving quite a bit, which scares EVERYONE, but his refusal to give up the wheel is nothing short of STUPID. It scares me to death when he falls asleep at the wheel. He WILL NOT stop and pull over to let me drive.
I keep reading that it's the non-ADHD person who actually "wants control and has control" over the family. I have to question that, because my husbands behavior is what has been running our family and our relationship for 28 years now. His actions are that he "knows" more than the rest of us, his "opinions" are more important than anyone elses, and he won't LISTEN to anything we have to say. (even if it's just a casual comment)
Another subject: I didn't nag him about all the "things to do" when we first got married, even though he begged me to. I told him I wasn't his mother and I wasn't going to remind him of everything he needed to do, plus be his personal secretary. (he asked me to do that also, on TOP of working, being a mother and wife) I didn't have the time to be his secretary on top of everything else. He was a band director for the public school system, which he HATED, and told me so every day. He was absolutely MISERABLE because it wasn't what he wanted to do with his life. Every so often, he would get very discouraged and tell me how unhappy he was with his life. He wanted to be "famous and wealthy", because he deserved it. He IS a hard worker, and he got excellent grades in school and college. I have ALWAYS supported him and encouraged him in his work and in his life. He would not reciprocate on the encouragement at all. If I got discouraged about something, I got another lecture.
(this is just a Few examples of the anger that can build up) But, WE have to let our anger go before getting better? I don't understand. (Well, I do and yet I don't) I have been on the bottom of my husbands list for most of our lives, and I'm not supposed to be angry or hurt? I didn't marry him to be ignored all these years. It has been VERY HARD. I've mentioned the sex part of our marriage before, which is another issue he absolutley REFUSES to confront or discuss. Once to twice a year to have sex is not enough for me. I tried so many different ways to "spice" things up, and to maybe entice him or make something fun. (it didn't work) I had to be the one to ALWAYS initiate sex, he would NOT initiate it, (different from dating) and he won't now. But, I got turned down too. It put me in a position to get rejected quite a bit. He won't hear this.
He is trying harder to "do things" around the house, but when it comes to our relationship he will NOT confront anything that has to do with US. I'm sorry, but I'm hurt and I'm angry, because it's been SO MANY YEARS. I am broken, I don't feel like a woman any more, and I SURE AS HECK don't feel desired by him. And, then he is the one who ends up in a 3 year affair with a 22 year old, (we are both 54). I'm the one who isn't getting most of what I need, and HE is in an affair. He won't discuss it, talk about it, or anything. It is TEARING ME APART.
I don't nag him about anything and I try not to let him know how bad I'm feeling. But, after so many weeks or months, it comes out and I start crying for a couple days. I wish I could stop crying, but I haven't been able to yet. Angry - yes, because I am hurt.
arwen, great post
Submitted by brendab on
So, to answer your question, what do you do with the anger? Use it. Don't let it control you and get in the way of change. It's precious -- make it work for you. Use it to fuel a determination to learn about ADHD, to observe your spouse's behaviors, to talk with your spouse and find out how their brain works -- so you can take that knowledge and negotiate a new paradigm with your spouse that can work for both of you, and get off the treadmill you're presently on.
Arwen,
So well said and if people could just write this with an action plan. For example:
determination to learn about ADHD--I will read driven to distraction
observe my spouse's behavior--I will emotionally detach myself right now, so that when my ADD spouse gets home tonight I am going to just observe and then record my observations later. I will attempt to make sense of it in a rational, not angry way.
talk to my spouse--I will request we have a meeting Friday night while the kids are watching their favorite movie. I will make notes from Arwen's posts about how to conduct this meeting. I will tell my spouse that I want to communicate better, and I need their help to do so. I will ask questions and mirror the answers.
For finding out how their brain works, I will watch this series of videos to try to understand, not excuse, just understand how my spouse is affected by ADD (This woman has an incredibly balanced account of the effects of ADD on people.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJxkh57qS5U&feature=PlayList&p=6331BF3B9A...
negotiate a new paradigm with your spouse that can work for both of you--I want to be understood because I know how much it hurts when I am not understood with empathy. What I am doing now isn't working, so I will choose to set new goals, look for other ways of communicating and caring, and protect myself with boundaries. I choose to hear and acknowledge what they are experiencing without judgment. I want this new paradigm, and I am willing to work hard and be patient while protecting myself--not with anger but with boundaries.
get off the treadmill you're presently on--think to yourself that you are truly tired of the way it makes you feel to stay on the treadmill, and choose to get off. I will learn new ways to prevent ADD from hurting me. I will work towards a solution that is good for me.
Brenda
If my husband were a
Submitted by elzabug72 on
If my husband were a quadriplegic I would have know BEFORE I married him. This is a ridiculous analogy. A quadriplegic never pretends to me something he or she is not. ADD/ADHD people, especially ones not diagnosed, pretend to be "normal" fully functional people. Personally, I feel like I was lied to because the person who courted me, dated me, and was married to me for the first few years faded away and became absorbed into ADD/ADHD. Now I am left with a person who I still consider to be a great friend but a crappy husband who can't provide for me or my family emotionally or financially.
Sorry I missed this earlier
Submitted by arwen on
Perhaps I should have said, "If your husband *had become* a quadriplegic during the course of your marriage", you are right. But it is *not* a ridiculous analogy. People with ADHD, especially ones not diagnosed, are not "pretending" to be normal, fully functional people. They have no idea how a normal brain functions, most can't even begin to imagine it. They think they themselves are at most a little quirky. I have known many people with ADHD, and only a tiny percentage know that they have serious problems and deliberately hide this knowledge from the person they are in a relationship with.
I can't speak to your particular situation, since I don't know the true details, so perhaps you have good reason to feel as you do towards your own spouse, and I certainly sympathize with your current distress -- I understand how such a relationship can be frustrating, frightening and filled with serious problems -- I have been there myself in the past. There's a lot of good material on this site, and if my posts aren't helpful to you, perhaps others will be. As I say repeatedly in my posts, this is not a one-size-fits-all kind of disorder, but there are some common themes which may surface in your own marriage -- hopefully you can be open to the experiences of people who have encountered and coped with them successfully. Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I agree with Arwen
Submitted by Sueann on
When we were dating, my husband acted like a fabulous boyfriend. He drove 30 miles to pick me up and drive me to work, met me at the end of my shift at my first job, took me to my second job and took me 30 miles home at night. He had a job and was attentive and loving. He wasn't pretending or trying to be something he wasn't because he was trying to win me over. He actually felt that way.
He still doesn't see that the post-hyperfocus person I find myself married to now is totally different. Doesn't work, hogs the car, doesn't contribute to running our home. He "feels" still the same. He still loves me, so why am I so unhappy? (Let me count the ways!) He has no sense of what makes me unhappy now. Would I have married him if I knew he was going to turn into this? Hell, no! But it isn't his fault. It's "the nature of the beast" for someone with ADD.
I don't know the answer to this one. It isn't deliberate and he'd not trying to be mean or deceptive.
Timing problem?
Submitted by ailin on
I'm thinking that a lot of the advice works better if you receive it before all the anger has a chance to build up. My boyfriend says he finds the tips very helpful -- but he isn't looking for help forgiving me. That'd be way harder than just adapting our habits to accommodate my ADD. I can see how a lot of this advice would be harder to execute if you no longer trust your partner or are just fixated on the injustice of it all.
I understand why it may seem so
Submitted by arwen on
Certainly the advice helps *more* if you get it before the anger builds up. But that doesn't mean it can't be helpful afterwards, too.
Folks, I was just as angry as you all are. And just as exhausted. And just as desperate, and stressed and frustrated and sad. I'm not by nature a patient or placid person -- I absolutely hate unfairness, despise incompetence, and do not suffer fools gladly. I was brought up in a household where conflict was not swept under the rugs, where I heard my parents fight, where I fought with my sibling, where I learned to be angry. For years I raged at my husband's behaviors, before he was diagnosed, and even afterwards when I still didn't *really* understand how his mind really worked. I read a lot about ADHD and I knew all kinds of facts, but I didn't understand it what it really meant, how it shaped my husband's behaviors -- so I kept getting frustrated and angry and upset, about an endless litany of failings, every day. When he didn't "fix" his problems, I felt like he didn't love me anymore. I know all these feelings you are talking about, I've been there in the absolute depths wondering how I could go on another day -- for fifteen years.
Five years ago, when my husband and I separated, and I expected to end up divorced (our kids were grown and were no longer a motivation for me to stay), I decided to give my marriage one last try because my husband seemed to really have taken the message to heart that I couldn't stand living with him anymore, and truly seemed committed to change. But things didn't get much better as long as I kept up my old anger habits.
What I learned during this period of time is that my anger was just as much of a problem in our relationship as his ADHD. It didn't matter that the ADHD had been the root of my anger -- the plain, simple fact was that the anger got seriously in the way of progress. When I got mad and started to yell, my husband's emotional reactions shut down his brain and he could not process what I was saying -- all he could do was react emotionally, which got us nowhere. He tried and tried to work around it, to stay calm no matter how much I was angry, but the physiological impacts of ADHD just made it impossible -- no different than asking a deaf person to hear or a blind person to see -- it just wasn't going to happen. Even if he could somehow manage to process what I was saying, his brain was still too befuddled by his emotions to figure out how to respond, or to consider solutions, or do anything constructive to make anything better. And the anger didn't do *me* any good either. Oh, it was a release at the time. But it also took its toll on me through the physiological dynamics of stress reactions. So what the anger was accomplishing was providing a short-term sense of release while creating a roadblock to solutions and wrecking my health.
Now, does this sound like a rational policy to pursue to you?
I'm pragmatic -- it didn't to me. I believe in fairness, but I also think it's silly to cut off your nose to spite your face. I decided that I *had* to find some other way to deal with my reactions to his behaviors. I had to learn to count to 10 or 20 or however long it took to calm down. I had to learn to express myself calmly so he could hear and think. If I was asking him to make monumental changes in *his* behaviors, then I needed to the same and meet him halfway.
It was really really *really*hard. Changing the habits of a lifetime is a herculean struggle, whether you have ADHD or not. It was emotionally devastating at first. I cried a lot. But slowly things got better. Reducing my expressions of anger and speaking calmly in a non-challenging way helped him to listen better. Having regular meetings three times a week (see my guest blog at http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/improving-communications-through-for...) helped create a more useful context for him to listen. When he could listen, and think, we could more often figure out what kind of approaches to problems might be more workable, or the more we could figure out why an approach wasn't working and come up with something better. He was able to tell me more about how his mind was working (or how it wasn't). The more problems we were able to address effectively, the less angry I felt.
Bottom line -- the anger doesn't really do anybody any good and it just gets in the way. There's no advantage or reason to hang onto a behavior that is actually making things worse overall. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I finally realized that it was insane for me to expect my anger to fix the problems with my ADHD spouse. And since I didn't want to be insane, and I wanted to fix the problems and my marriage, I had to do something different.
These approaches worked even though I'd been very angry for many years. So you don't *have* to hear them before the anger sets in, in order for them to work. What I think it does require is an understanding of the true limitations of the ADHD spouse, a realistic assessment of what is and isn't possible, determination and dedication, and a spouse who is committed to listening, thinking, solving the problems and working hard to improve as much as you are. This is not easy and at times it can be painful. But there *are* ways for ADHD relationships to improve, and this is one of them -- I'll take it over the alternative any day.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I'm not sure I can do that
Submitted by Sueann on
I still have no security
Submitted by brendab on
Sueann,
When I read your phrase about "I still have no security" I felt this overwhelming ache for your pain and I shuddered at the memories in my own life. I then began to remember how hard it was to live in my marriage and then divorce. I learned a lot about myself and life in general through that hard process. I discovered that I falsely believed that security layed in all the trappings outside of me. I thought that if i could just have the American dream with a Cinderella experience I would feel secure, happy and content.
I discovered that my security and peace lay in my perception. I thought about how there are very poor people all over the world that have little material things, but feel secure and peaceful. How is that possible? Surely their lack of good housing, etc should mean that everyone there should be absolutely insecure and miserable. I decided to stop looking at others and my circumstances to bring me peace. Instead I decided that my peace lay deep inside my soul, and I was responsible for my own security and peaceful attitude.
It has not been easy and I sometimes look at my circumstances and say "why did that have to happen, now I have a whole other set of problems to deal with". then I remind myself that I can quit running those negative tapes in my head and look to problem solving that does not depend on others to make things secure for me. I got tired of thinking about life the way I was because it was making me miserable. i was creating my own inner chaos by my response to what others did/didn't do.
Viktor Frankl was sent to a death camp during WWII and he observed the different responses people there had to the injustice of it all. He noticed that some were absolutely miserable and would get sick and die in short amount of time. They hated their captors and were suspicious of their roommates, just very bitter.
Others were peaceful and seem to draw from an inner strength that seemed impossible under the circumstances. they were loving and sacrificial, caring for other hurting people in the death camp. They only thing they could change about their circumstance was their response to it. When he was released he wrote "the Significance of Man". Living with ADD is not as limiting, but we should think very carefully about how poisonous our inner thoughts are to us.
Here are some of his quotes:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor E. Frankl
The last of human freedoms - the ability to chose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.
Viktor E. Frankl
What is to give light must endure burning.
Viktor E. Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor E. Frankl
Brenda
I appreciate you writing
Submitted by Sueann on
negative tapes in my head
Submitted by Clarity on
This has been a great challenge for me also. Maybe it is due to the fact that the circumstances in my life appear to be a dead end. Constantly searching for solutions to overcome the challenges of chronic miscommunication, financial distress and general lack of trust is truly exhausting. In a death camp you live and die. ADD alters my reality. It feels as if I am physically experiencing a truth that must somehow be denied and adjusted in my mind to help create feelings of peace and contentment. (I guess that's how politicians spin things!) Negative thoughts come naturally and I have to tell my mind "no", and not allow myself to dwell there. For me, this conscious mental effort is more effective alongside with faith. I try to continually replace the negative thoughts with positive and even still, experience burn out. There is a verse that states "where there is no vision, the people perish." ADD requires you live your life out with an excruciating amount of choices and simple unfulfilled tasks and confusion, leaving me anyway, with little vision. We all need time to refresh and rejuvenate ourselves to be able to continue on with life. It would help to know that there is a chance the battle would bring victory but I feel like the underdog just fighting to keep my head above water. Well, that's enough empathy...
Sueanne, the opportunity to get your degree and move on to a more hopeful situation is really something good to look forward to. I would certainly do whatever it takes to complete that goal. Simplify your life and focus on your bottom line. I've often thought that I'd rather live in a box under a bridge just to get away from my ADD husband but the fact is that would really suck! So, I'm living in the attic hoping I can come up with the $ for one class this semester and get to eat too! When you get a good paying job, you'll be able to take the next step and move on to a more positive situation. Meanwhile, keep it simple, pray for strength and allow yourself something that makes you smile :) every day.
Student loans!
Submitted by Sueann on
That's how I've been able to go to school. I can't get any regular financial aid like Pell grants because I've got a 4-year degree (in history-if you don't want to teach, totally useless). I actually first went to school in order to get a loan to get "out from under" when my husband hadn't worked at all in 5 months. It gave me a chance to pay a security deposit and moving expenses to move into a place with heat!
Anyone taking at least 6 credits is eligible. It has taken me 4 years to get a 2-year degree but I hope it will be worth it. You don't have to start to pay it back until you have been out of school 6 months. Look into it. You sound like a bright person, if demoralized by your husband's ADD. I have not found it difficult to go to school at an advanced age (I'm 56) although some of my classmates think I'm a fossil because I'm older than their moms!
The thing I like is that it will put my husband and me on an equal financial footing. If he is ridiculous, I won't need to stay with him.
and one more quote
Submitted by Got It on
"if we don't change the direction we are going, we will end up where we are headed"
Turning it around
Submitted by wagnerism on
As someone who does not have ADHD, I can only guess at what is going on with my spouse. Those guesses are becoming more educated as I go along, but I'll always be the outside.
Here is what I think is a good guess/idea. Do people with ADHD take the diagnosis as a major revelation and try to start anew without regard to the past? Does the disorder help them to let it go instantly with the "now" vs. "not now" thinking? If this comes across as "pretending that it didn't happen or ignoring it," it probably looks similar to the same old stuff that has irritated the non-ADHD spouse for so many years. This is probably when ADHD is labeled as an excuse.
Do people without the disorder have more continuity, which requires them to change more slowly? I believe that their change will be based on either taking a risk or having hope that things are really different this time. It seems reasonable that some spouses have been miserable for too long to be willing or capable of giving a genuine effort. I imagine that this continuity works against how the other spouse operates, especially if they have a preference for instant gratification.
You sound like you were far along the miserable path yet were able to turn around. That inspires me. I just hope that I can find more positive ways to keep us going in the right direction. Until recently, the only tool in my toolbox was the threat of her losing me.
Me too. You are not the only
Submitted by Pink on
Me too. You are not the only one. It is so sad. I feel the same way. I do all the work. My husband with ADD is a stay home because he keep getting fired from his job because of his ADD. He talk too much. I am working and I have paid all the bills and I have to take care 2 kids and one of them with ADHD and clean the house do the homework. Oh dear... me I should be mad. is that fair? I do not think so! I do not understand why they "ADD" partner should get a free pass as you say. That is where all my anger too. To be honest... I am there for the kids. Now, my son is angry with me. He call me a liar all the time. when he is on his med he is the best kid as his med wear off he goes nut. The same with my husband. They talk the same way. If something they don't like... they goes you are lair... It is really hurt. You try to do so much for them and at the end of the day, if I look sad or tired they get mad at me.
Hi, I can imagine your
Submitted by Cherish_India on
Hi,
I can imagine your situation. It's really frustrating. I have an ADD husband and he refuses to even acknowledge that he has it, so there's no question of getting him to see a doc or therapist. I'm already parenting almost single-handedly and taking care of home and providing support to him, even the money is way off balance. He used to have a really good salary but I have always had to spend very carefully. All my savings disappear during multiple 'emergencies'. For months, suddenly, I end up having to take care of bills.
Nagging doesn't always help but in many cases, it gets the work done. I tried to be nice, tried to explain in detail. He wants it simple and short. If I give him that, he argues, fires off questions expecting me to give reasons with proof. He Never accepts he is in the wrong. He defends himself in even the smallest situations, even a gentle question. His defensiveness makes me want to attack him fiercely.
Do you see a counsellor? I hear that's supposed to help. Maybe give that a shot? Or a support group for non-ADHD spouses.
Good luck, and No, you're not alone!
Cherish
powerlessness
Submitted by abbaschild2 on
hey madhatter,
have you thought about applying the principals of the 12 steps to your situation? step one is to admit we are powerless.....which we are. to be sure there are great tools and excellent methods to helps us work out our relationship with our adhd spouse, and they should be fully applied, but honestly we have a problem that can't be solved without help from a higher power, namely God :) when all my ugliness, anger and resentment comes rising up, it consumes me. until i fall on my knees and cry out the only perfect One for help. and He helps me. i fail in some way every day, but every day He's there for me and strengthens me. i NEED Him. i need His love, comfort, forgiveness, healing and strength. He helps me to start new every day and try again. my relationship with Him is all that keeps me sane and on this journey. for that i love and cling to Him and want to please Him by not giving up. madhatter, He loves you. reach out. He'll be there.
abbaschild2
So what are you supposed to do with the anger?
Submitted by Fruitcake on
Sadly no you are not the only one who feels this way...
...Well - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? One or the other.
Anger comes from helplessness or fear or both. Address these within yourself and you will be on your way to a happier self.
Helplessness comes from expectations not being met, and not being able to do anything about that.
There is only one person in this world that you can 'change' or effect - yourself. Any change will bring about a different outcome.
This is not about who is right or wrong. Who's idea is best who's way of working is better or not. It is about the family, and at the moment it is not working - so change something, change what you can change, empower yourself, change what YOU do or expect in some way shape or form. CHOOSE happiness.
When you try to 'fix' something for someone else, you take responsibility for them and their actions, therefore taking responsibility for the outcomes, they therefore do not 'own it'. You also take responsibility for it when it goes wrong or fails - how is this working for you???
Remember why you fell in love with your partner, that is still there, it may be 'part of the problem' but it is who you fell in love with, it is why you fell in love with them - take that away and what have you got, Mr or Mrs ordinary - not I guess what you want or like or love.
If you would like specifics please feel free to ask. After 20 years on this journey personally, and living with over 30 other families some with ADHD some not, there isn't much I haven't experienced or seen the outcomes of, some of that may be relevant or helpful to you.
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
Submitted by vchip on
Oh my goodness. I 've watched a Tree Grows in Brooklyn a few times and think about it often. I have often felt like Dorothy McGuire too. However, when I looked at how bitter she was and unhappy her bitterness was making her daughter. I decided I would rather not let ADHD ruin my spirit. I decided that I would rather have an alive husband rather than a dead one. As for the sloppy house. Years ago, one day I stopped nagging and picking up after him. I let the house get so messy. and refused to clean it up or let him straighten it up when unexpected company came to visit. We were both rushing to the door. He to stop me from opening the door. I too let the company in to see how messy there lovable friend and colleague lives at home. I just decided that I refused to let him treat company better than family. He'd clean up for company but not for me. That day he learned a new valuable lesson. Twenty years later he stills keeps the public part of the house orderly. Gotta look good for the company. His home office and bedroom closet is his own business.
Find out what he values most and work with it to motivate a satisfactory negotiation. Even with my son who has ADD. As long as the public part of the house and bathroom is clean. I don't give a hoot about his bedroom as long as there is no food or bacteria growing in there. Just one rule the closet door has to close. When the dirty socks start to smell up the hallways its time to do the laundry.
Anger , frustration and adhd
Submitted by cowboy on
Your way
Submitted by aldavis08 on
I agree with your comments about Your Way. I have tried to do things the way that everyone else wants me to and it does not work for me. I struggled with math and I knew that I had to take it to complete my degree. It occurred to me to treat it like English, find the rules and make them make sense to me. That was the proudest C I ever earned. I had a tutor, five books in addition to the regular textbook and I took it during the summer so that I could stay focused. I have since completed that and a Master's degree but have not gotten it because I have put off doing the last papers for my internship. It has been two years now.
I'm tired. I have struggled through three marriages, trying to be validated and accepted but only to get that I have my own agenda and that I am purposely doing the things that I do. It is such a struggle that it is now effecting my work. I made an appointment with my director and forgot the date and time. (Didn't put it immediately in my PDA).
At this point, I feel like I really need to be by myself because the stress of trying to relate is too much for me.