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Hello everyone,

This is my first post and I’m sorry that’s its such a dark, long one. I’m just in a very bad place right now and I don’t know what to do...

I’m the ADHD partner, and my husband (non-ADHD partner) and I recently discovered Melissa Orlov’s book, The ADHD Marriage. We’ve been together 10 years, and it’s reached a tipping point.

I read it, and I feel hopeful. For once I feel like all of the problems can be explained and there’s a path forward.

If I’m going to find any happiness in this marriage at all, I have to find a way to lay down my anger.  I don’t even like the word “forgive,” because it always evokes this feeling of him getting off without any consequences.  

But I’ve done the analysis.  Forgiving doesn’t mean there are no consequences.  His consequences: not trying to do anything about his adhd or improving the marriage is that he keeps causing problems for us all and that he doesn’t have the good marriage he says he wants. 

Imagine what your life will be like after the kids are gone and nothing has changed between your spouse and you.  And the only thing that has impacted your relationship is that you have "taught" your spouse that it is OK to ignore you, "do his own thing", spend his own time and money as he wishes without discussion with you.  I am the voice from the other side of your future telling you that this is how you will have to accept your life.  

You will have to accept that:

• you were not loved even though you loved and sacrificed for the marriage partnership.  

I have spent the day reading posts on this site all day and cannot believe it has taken me this long to find you all. My husband is ADHD. We have been married for 15 years. He was diagnosed about 8 years ago and it has been his crutch ever since. He was a very successful construction project manager, then became a realtor. He was driven, focused, and hard-working. He supported me while I was in law school and continued to do so until I found a good firm to work with. Since his diagnosis, he says it is too difficult to work.

My husband has this thing about making jokes at all the wrong places and times.  And, so many of you know how this goes, if I tell him that what he just said or did was rude or interrupting what I’m trying to accomplish, he doesn’t own it. Instead, there are a few things he might do.  He might just ignore the entire scenario, he might make more jokes and have the attitude of “what are you going to do about it, huh?!”, or he might get irritated.  There have been maybe ten times when he laughs and says, “you’re right; that wasn’t helpful,” but then he continues to laugh to himself or smirk.

Meaning, though the consequences of their untreated or poorly treated adhd are often negative for us, sometimes we can find the silver lining for ourselves. 

Silver lining for me: I have learned a lot about mental health, better communication skills, and ways to help my kids.  I didn’t learn these growing up, and if I’d had a normal marriage to a neurotypical person, I might never have learned because maybe I could have limped along without being forced to learn and grow.  So it’s a good thing, because knowledge and more skills are always good. 

Hello,

I joined this group a while back, but I’ve put it on the back burner because I’m just always hopeful that something will change with my husband and I won’t need to acknowledge how truly stressful life is with him. 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD shortly before we started dating. I’ve always questioned if he has another learning disability or undiagnosed disorder in addition to ADHD, but then when I read the experiences of others, it seems his behavior is pretty dead on. 

they pull out ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior and mistakes but otherwise fight tooth and nail to insist that they can't possibly have ADHD?

I’ve been debating for days whether to write or not. I've been off social media for a while and I really don't have friends. I don't know how to do this; I guess I'll just write. I've been with my husband (partner not married but engaged-super long engagement) for 9 years. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I feel the news destroyed my world. A lot of things clicked in my head as soon as I started to do research on it. For the first time I stopped blaming myself for everything, from being somewhat not social too demanding to spend more time together without other people.

Both of our kids were really,really pressing to get guinea pigs.  I kept saying no because they have not been responsible and we (I) would end up taking care of them.  My wife kept saying that our 16 year old son was getting better and we should let him try.