Next week, it will be 10 years since my then-husband was fired from what had been only his second long-term (defined as lasting more than 2 years) job of his life. The job loss and resulting financial difficulties were very stressful, especially because he was fired from his other long-term job about 12 years earlier and then was unemployed, by choice, for about 6 years.
I keep having the urge to make a post here. But I can’t form the words to make a post of any real point, because it isn’t any one thing right now. It’s all of it, all of my cumulative years with him.
And I’m thankful that when I can’t put a post into words of any real substance, you will all understand anyway. Thanks for being here, everyone.
In my last post on here in February I was desperately unhappy. My husband had just been diagnosed with ADHD and I felt the future was bleak. He was put on adderall the day of the diagnosis and after a month on that I was on the brink of divorcing him. He became much more focused at work but very, VERY unpleasant at home when it was wearing off. He was just mean and nasty whereas he never really was before (just hapless and clueless but mostly good natured - a bit like an accident prone labrador puppy). He switched to Ritalin and things have been better.
I feel like I'm getting closer to a crossroads. I've been toiling for years (yes, YEARS) to improve my ADHD symptoms. I feel fortunate to have good health insurance that not only pays for medication, but also alternative treatment via a Naturopath, as well as for therapy. Therapy and meditation have really brought me to the next level. And scarily, it is at this level that I have realized that this marriage is not all about what I have to do to improve, and now I am learning to set boundaries and express my wishes to a spouse who has had his foot out the door for years.
Looking back over the past 11 years of my life, much of the difficulties in my marriage relationship, and my own pain, has been self inflicted....It happens when I expect my W to think, feel or behave like I do....I was reading an old post, (January 2019) and a light came on for me...Not one that life isn't teaching me, with all the harshness it can dole out...But one I wish had been able to hear and accept going into this marriage...(Which probably would have stopped the marriage)....But one worth mentioning again non the less...If not for you guy's, then just as my own reminder going for
Well... I am planning for separation because I gave up on myself
i can’t please my husband and I am full of flaws and I feel like I’m nothing but a heavy disgusting burden which fills me with guilt , self doubt and self hate
but as a mom I tend to be depressed when he is around and I under perform , his criticism made me hate motherhood
when I realized that my kids are having challenging times I decided not to let our fights influence how I love my children
I suspected this was coming but I didn't know for sure. Now it has happened. I thought I would feel a sense of satisfaction -- "He's been caught!" "Now I'm not the only one who knows he's a cheat!" and so on -- but I don't. I feel sad. I feel a little mad. I feel somewhat embarrassed. I'm not concerned about my reputation for honesty; if anything, people who know me probably think I"m annoyingly truthful. Oh, and tomorrow would have been our anniversary (if we were still married).
I have posted here several times recently. My wife has told me she wants a divorce for the third and I’m pretty sure the last time. Although I do not want a divorce it’s not my decision to make alone so I don’t see any way of stopping it. It hurts to admit it but what has ruined our marriage has come from me. When I put myself in her position I can understand why she wants out and I can’t blame her. She is fighting for her own life and just wants to save herself. The way she describes it is that she is shell shocked and needs space and time to herself.
I have come to accept lots of things about my H that, in the past, I was not willing or able to see and accept. My eyes are opening slowly as to how little my H is able (willing?) to handle. I really have to stop expecting him to be able (willing?) to process more than one thought a day. So, I have to be mindful to not bring up more than one subject a day. Then I must speak in shorts sentences and not too many at a time....or he will go into offense/defense mode.
I’ve been on this site a lot lately because my ADHD and the lack of understanding and control of the symptoms has driven my wife to wanting a divorce yet again. I don’t blame her for how she feels and to be honest if I were in her shoes I would want out as well. She has endured a lot and is simply worn out by me. My hope and prayer is that if I can get a sold grip on my ADHD and a miracle from God that my marriage will be spared.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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