Hello -
I really need help in understanding how to resolve this ever-ending conflict with my husband - I feel that I have made every attempt to find peace and acceptance of the limitations of my marriage, but I just can't get my heart to fall in line.
Our son, 15, can be quite difficult. He wanted to go over a friend's house and play videogames after school today BUT he has not caught up on school work and cleaned his room. He also stayed up late. My wife got into an argument with him about it this morning. (He claims he is going to support his friend's father, who will commit suicide if he does not go.) At one point, my wife says he hurt her by grabbing her wrist. I did not see what happened.
What I just wrote to Ambre, has me pondering something that is bothering me. While H does not seem to care about me or our marriage or the state of the family or responsibility or his own integrity, he has been very attentive to one of our granddaughters, Age 11. She is quite beautiful and innocent. H follows her around like a lovesick adolescent, with eyes sparkling and a big dreamy grin on his face.
I've been with my wife for almost ten years. She was diagnosed with ADHD during the first few years of our relationship. It's been difficult, but we both got counseling, education and she's done a lot to help herself, meds, reading, apps etc.
Fast forward to today. I love my wife, but am not sure that's enough. I still feel at times unfulfilled. She uses tools to remind herself to show affection, routines and lists to make sure she attends to responsibilities...
My ADHD husband started seeing an ADHD coach. I was soon invited to a session. She holds us both accountable and is open to me emailing her my concerns in between sessions. I am grateful for her because she is in our corner. It is obvious. However, the message that has been communicated to me has been "don't be that way". "That way" being like "the sky is falling" way. This diagnosis is new but the effects have darkened our marriage for nine years.
My husband has ADD, I do not. With treatment and using reminders, the day-to-day has gotten significantly better. However, the long-term responsibilities are totally beyond him. After doing the couple's seminar last year, I have made the conscious decision to take a step back and allow him to do what he says he is going to do. This has mostly failed miserably and is making me feel completely helpless and hopeless.
I've allowed my marriage to get broken. My wife is so upset. Angry, disappointed, and sad. I'm disappointed and ashamed of myself. She feels I don't see her, don't value her, that she has no form or role in our life. I can see how she feels this way and when I tell her that I care and love her – which I desperately do – I know it sounds empty because my behaviors don't add up to my words. After 21 years we are potentially coming to an end which would probably crush me and be horrible for all of us, forever.
Our 34th Wedding Anniversary is coming up in a week. We have a total of six (now adult) children. Three of them are our birth children together. Two of those were diagnosed with ADHD before age four. I already had two children from another birth father. Neither had any signs of ADHD. New husband in 1984, new DNA, and three birth children with him. Never having heard of ADHD I could not understand why I was unable to meet my children’s needs. I could not understand why my new husband had suddenly dropped his interest and attention for me. He had been SO attentive to my every need.
We want to try finding an ADHD coach for our teenage son. Has anyone had experience with BeyondBookSmart? Do you have other recommendations for the northern NJ area?
So, we are at the point where I’ve literally done all the research, said everything 500 times, and made my feelings very clear. My husband’s anger is, at times, explosive and that’s just not ok. Even if it’s infrequent. I’ve used “I” statements, soft starts (per Melissa), and tiptoed carefully around him with my words, which often get twisted and misinterpreted anyway. I’ve made suggestions about meeting with his doctor, changing meds, and trying alternative therapies, like coaching. I’ve recommended getting his sleep and diet back on track, exercising, etc.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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