I divorced my ADD husband 10 years ago. We remained in touch because of the kids, and now the anger and pain have cooled and we are good friends. He wants to move back in with me when he retires in a couple of years. We have fun together and get along well, but ONLY because he doesn't live here and I put no pressure at all on him.
Do any of you non-ADD spouses ever get apologies from the ADD person? In my house, my ADD husband would do or say something that even he knew hurt me, but (this was a real conversation):
ME: It really hurt me when you did that
HIM: Don't you think I know that? Do you have to rub my nose in it? Don't you think I've suffered enough?
ME: Sorry
Wait, what? Did I just apologize to HIM? Crazy-making.
This blog is filled with so many, mostly women, who have agonized for so many years over their husbands ADD behaviors. I did the same thing, too, until after 25 years he had an affair (one of many I am sure) and walked out on the family. Where is he today? He's on a cruise enjoying himself with his girlfriend. Where am I?
My Husband's answer to every problem, big or small, has always been to get a divorce. I've always said, he's lived for 23 years with one foot out the door. Having only recently been diagnosed, and only starting meds a week ago, I was determined to ride this out for awhile. But now he just seems calmer, more resolved, and I guess peaceful about a divorce. Now I've been cut out of his counseling altogether, he's bordering on anxious to move on to his new and improved life WITHOUT ME! I'm thinking about going away for the weekend with no warning. Every weekend for about a month I've said
My husband has been diagnosed for 18 mths. He takes ritalin and it has helped a lot - he also exercises and has quite a healthy lifestyle... but he adamantly refuses to make any behavioural changes. This means he still forgets what I say, doesn't follow through on agreements, rushes off in all sorts of directions (we are rennovating our house) causing no end of havoc and wasting time and money.
We talk through what might help - including writing things down, always consulting before deciding etc - he does it petulantly for a day or two and it quickly goes out the window.
I'm not sure if I even really want to know the answer to this... I guess I'm afraid I already do...
The self-centeredness, all the running around, projects taking priority, poor communication, the lack of connection - this is why our marriage ended. I haven't had any contact with him for the last couple weeks, and this time has been so hard for me. As difficult as it was, and as much as I know that it's probably for the best (for me - and him too I geuss) that it's over between us, I miss his terribly and love him and it's so hard... I wonder, does he miss me?
I asked my H if he would help me with a volunteer project and he refused. I reminded him that I would regularly help him with the children's chess club at our parish school that he used to volunteer at.
H responded with a total lie (which he TRULY believed!!!). He said that I had gone to the school principal's office and had volunteered HIM for the job. I knew that that wasn't true AT ALL, but at the moment, I couldn't remember how H had gotten involved. (It wasn't my thing, so my own memory about that wouldn't be fresh.)
There is so much good information and discussion on this forum. However, I can't seem to find a situation like mine, which on face value seems like it out to be simple but is not. I am 44 year old male. I have had all the classic symptoms my whole life, so has my brother and father. I was always told that I probably had it but I never knew that there was anything you could do about the way you have always been. Also, while a pain to me and all around me, ADD had never reared its ugly head and actually caused major damage to my life.
Tonight, after all these years, I broke down and cried as I realized that our home isn't the place of peace and comfort that a home should be.
It was heart-breaking knowing that my H's mental issues have prevented our family from having the "home is safe" environment. At any time he can become extremely angry, we walk on eggshells, and that's not what "home" is supposed to be like....at all. My home growing up was not like that. Sadly, H's father raged, so he got a bad image of what's "ok".
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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