Recent forum posts (all topics)

Hi, 

Hello everyone, my first post in the forums.  My situation is a little complex, but I'm going to do my best to sum everything up as short as possible.

A little over a year ago, I volunteered for my state's State Defenses Force (state military) and currently serve in a search and rescue capacity.  My wife complains that my interest and therefore time and attention spent on the SDF snowballed into something she was completely unprepared for (par for the course for me, I guess).  Things had gotten really bad between us, and I feel like drill weekends were a welcome escape for me, and a symbol to my wife of the attention I was unable to focus on her.

A 4 hour casual wedding reception.

No alcohol.

Close to 200 guests.

432 cans of pop/soda in a variety of flavors.

2 hours into the reception, one flavor has only a few cans left.

There is still plenty of pop for the remaining 2 hours.  Over 200 cans in a variety of flavors.  Plus coffee.  Plus tea.  And guests are already slowly departing.

The Father of the Bride feels there is just not enough pop and leaves the reception to go purchase more.   He needed to go buy more.  He HAD to go buy more.

I am working hard at stopping the blame game and to stop being frustrated because of what other people do.  I am learning that for me to have self esteem, I get to trust my feelings and thoughts and to honor them.  I don't have to be held hostage by someone else's opinion of me or their thoughts or feelings. I am working hard at not feeling guilty for other people.  I do respect those who know what they want and honor themselves more than a wishy-washy indecisive coward....which is what I was turning in to. I am going to like myself again.

Today was one of those "this is THE day" days.  My ADHD spouse thinks our relationship is bent.  I think it is broken.  Our 29th anniversary last Sunday was only a date on the calendar.  For me - enough.

I drew up a list of 11 things "I" need to show our marriage is moving into a positive direction.  Some are negotiable - some are not.  He always says he is improving - I just can't see it.  I see him trying hard - but not in the areas that will improve our marriage.  

A few of the nonnegotiable are:

Hello,

My husband provides care for his aging parents.  They are quite dependent on him.  My father-in-law is, admittedly, bossy and hard to get along with.  My husband said yesterday that his father has expressed fear of my husband leaving, and my husband said he had actually told his sister that he would walk out if his dad gets too bossy. 

This morning, I'm wondering if my husband bragged to anyone when he withdrew from me and stopped providing me with emotional and financial support. I feel bereft.

I thought I was working on my marriage.  I am starting to think I am totally co-dependent - or a total idiot.  Or a co-dependent idiot.  

I am just sitting on my pity-pot for a bit.

I've been in this marriage for 29 years.

I really want it to work.

I stopped the Mother/Child relationship.

I focused on me - being happy, going to school, enjoying my friends, scrapbooking, visiting my family.  

I quit mentioning anything - his chore that doesn't get done.  His lateness.  His junk.  

My wife told me three weeks ago in therapy she wants a separation. I was shocked as earlier at dinner she was planning out Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephews we would be visiting this Christmas.