Hi all.

First post here.

Some months ago, my wife was speaking to a new friend who had been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.  My wife mentioned that maybe she thought she might have it.  We discussed it a little but didn't really explore it much.  I must admit, I was always skeptical of ADHD in the past but I have since been convinced that it is completely and totally real.

We've had recurring issues in our marriage.  Mostly around bad communication and silly arguments.  It mostly started when we had our first child and I got sad with how impatient she was with our son :(  Often speaking to him overly sharp.  I always thought that this was mainly inherited behaviour from her mother who in turn inherited it from her army father.  But now I'm wondering if it could be more than that.

Our own marriage issues I just assumed needed some personal development on both our parts.  I don't want to paint the wrong picture.  I would say that overall, thank God, our marriage is fine.  But there are certain things that concerned me.  Some days are very very hard.  There are days I find myself in tears from our interactions.

Anyway, a few months ago, I got this Web MD article in my inbox and decided to read it.  A lot of it rang true!  https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/ss/slideshow-adhd-in-adults?ecd=wnl_spr_0... The running late, sudden outbursts, hyperfocus.  Though it must be said that the running late and lack of time management is something I suffer from too and could be cultural.

I did some more research (mainly here: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-a...) and a lot of the symptoms there rang true also.  Losing things and forgetfulness for example.  And one pain point of our marriage is her often missing my text messages and responding to friends but not mine.  Now I wonder if ADHD could be the cause.  The main pain point is the sudden outbursts.  Going from 0 to 11 on the irritability scale without much warning.  With me.  But also with our kids.  Again, I don't want to paint the wrong picture.  She's a wonderful mother.  Very loving and caring.  She would go to the end of the world for our children.  But she does get shouty and angry over small things and I feel like it affects my eldest sometimes.  It really breaks my heart.

Sometimes, discussions and arguments are around my wife frequently forgetting to belt our youngest into his high chair or close the stair gate.  This makes me genuinely worry for our childrens' safety.  Needless to say, it causes me a lot of anxiety as well.  Again, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say she is careless about their safety.  But this is a recurring theme and I really do worry for their safety.  When I do mention these things, she says that she just forgets and that it's not a big deal.  But how is it not a big deal?  :'(  Is this the ADHD?

I bought The ADHD Effect on Marriage looking for insight.  Excellent book!  Very well written!  Thanks to Melissa for writing it.

Thing is, a lot of the book started to make me feel like this isn't ADHD.  My wife is able to do housework.  She's a full-time mother and all the stuff that needs to get done gets done (mostly).  It's worth mentioning that it seems to give her a lot of anxiety.  I try my best to help as much as I can whilst juggling two jobs and family commitments.  But the image of someone with ADHD in the book as someone who seems unable to do a lot of the normal tasks to the point that the non-ADHD spouse ends up doing everything isn't true in our case.  So does this mean she doesn't have ADHD?  Or is it that she has it to a lesser degree?

I appreciate that we should see our doctor etc but wanted to get input from you good folks first.

Please help.

Thank you.