ADHD adults often carry a lot of hurt and shame with them. Learn what these shame triggers are and you can significantly improve your interactions. A recent conversation with five adults with ADHD and their partners highlights some of the issues.
The idea behind the conversation was to identify triggers that frequently led to feelings of shame for ADHD partners. Here are a few:
- Comments that sound like criticism. Having a partner ask “why did you do that?” is okay when it was thought to be information seeking and a genuine question for clearer understanding, but a real trigger when it comes across as a reprimand. “Why didn’t you…?” can trigger both shame and resentment. Or, another way to put this – any comments that are part of ‘the constant critique’ where non-ADHD partners assess or comment upon whether an ADHD partner is doing things the ‘right’ way.
- Memory issues. Many people with ADHD know they have poor memory, so things that remind them of this, or question their poor memory, are difficult triggers. (One ADHD man in the conversation noted that he feels “crestfallen or demoralized” when he forgets something, so to have his partner mention it, or be upset by his memory issues, adds to that.)
- Impulsivity. When you’re an adult you, and others around you, expect you to consider what you do before you do it. ADHD impulsivity can lead to feelings of shame. One man noted he feels shame about his impulsivity – he chooses to do something that “comes back to bite him in the behind”…and if his partner mentions his failure it makes him particularly angry at himself or her. He would like to hold himself to a different standard…ADHD symptoms get in the way.
- Parent/child interactions can cause deep feelings of shame…even if the ADHD partner initiated the interactions by playing a ‘child’ role. As an example, one woman with ADHD noted her non-ADHD partner was ‘much better a doing things, so I tend to not do them. He is very capable.’ This is a ‘child’ strategy in parent/child interactions that are still going on in this relationship…but when the non-ADHD husband responds with anger or controlling behaviors, it still triggers shame and hurt. (More on this later!)
- Money and earning power. One man mentioned that being considered a ‘less than’ earner made him feel awful. He feels he is earning what he can contribute and his wife is no longer the sole bread winner…that her sense that she was ‘supporting’ him were hurtful and demeaning. People with ADHD do sometimes struggle in their careers, but it’s not just ADHD. Sometimes, the personality and interests of one partner simply lead to lower-paying jobs (think teachers, artists, musicians etc. etc.)
- Using ‘facts’ to delineate under-performance. Non-ADHD partners often think about sharing ‘facts’ about situations as ‘straight-forward’ or (sometimes) helpful. “You didn’t do the dishes this morning” is, indeed a fact…but it is not news. ADHD partners hear these facts as another critique of something they did wrong and yet another signal of inadequacy.
- Not completing tasks. One man noted that for his entire life people have gotten angry with him for not completing tasks. This person is a classic ‘starter’ or entrepreneurial type – with great ideas that others wouldn’t dare enact…but gets to about 80% done and then peters out. Rather than focus on the benefits of being a ‘starter’ he has focused on the negatives of ‘not closing’ or finishing and this generates great shame every time he encounters it.
- Not staying organized. Or, as one emergency room doctor put it so eloquently, “if a 4 year old can learn to put his socks in the hamper at the end of the day, why can’t I?”
“Shame trigger points are like raw, exposed nerves.”
One of the most interesting parts of this conversation was just how aware ADHD partners are of their areas of shame - even if they don't share that with non-ADHD partners. One said “an ADD person is very aware of the raw nerve areas…we try to protect and cover them up…but beat ourselves up when these areas are triggered.”
Think about when the dentist hits an exposed nerve…Think about feeling that way about shame...It’s no wonder that once feelings of shame are triggered ADHD partners hurry to lash out, run away, or hide. Non-ADHD partners won’t have a very productive conversation with their partner this way, which means that avoiding triggering shame areas is an important strategy.
What are the triggers of shame and hard feelings in your home? Use this blog post as a way to start a calm conversation about it because learning what these topics are is an important part of changing your interactions.
Next time – strategies to heal or work around shame.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Looking for ....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
input on this particular blog. HOW does the ADD spouse want non ADD persons to respond in order to navigate these particular situations. I am met with "damned if I do and damned if I don't" in any of these given situations and my spouse seems unable to come up with what HE needs me to do.....except just let it go.....let it ALL go. I am back to the fact that sitting down and coming up with solutions would be admitting to ADD causing problems and I truly think he is NOT going to do it. I am "majoring" in educating myself on ADD for both the non and the one with it. He is still in kindergarten.....sigh
Submitted by Delphine on
I know that C has spoken often about just walking away from a situation with his wife. J has advised letting go, as well.
My impulse with my ADHD son is to try to immediately resolve one of those difficulties. This is part of my insecure attachment issues...feeling threatened by disharmony with a loved one. However, I am getting better at letting go, while still staying in a loving space, That works.
My only issue with that post is, I don't believe we need to say the whole Ho'oponopono mantra. "Thank you, I love you" (usually said silently within self) is enough . Or just "I love you."
This is very good info, the article you posted. It behooves us to be aware of these hot spots with our ADHD loved ones so we don't inadvertently hit that raw, exposed nerve.
I have no answers only
Submitted by dvance on
I have no answers only sympathy. Nothing I do is right for my ADHD husband either. I ask him questions, but no too many and not all at once so he doesn't get flooded or overwhelmed, and most of the time the answer I get is "I don't know" or "what do you want me to say" or my personal favorite "I didn't get a chance to think about it." That one leaves me speechless. Am I the only person that can hold more than one thought in my head at a time? I thought the fast ADHD brain could do that, but my DH is so unbelievably inefficient and incapable of multi-tasking, I don't know how he keeps a job. I often think that his plodding, deliberate-ness about every little thing is overcompensating for the whirlwind in his unmedicated brain. When I ask what he needs from me, he has no idea. Literally nothing to say. We live the most bizarre married life of anybody I know. No touching, we do nothing together, we don't go out. It's just weird. We sit in marriage therapy week after week and nothing changes except I get better at letting things go, at not needing anything from him. How long can a person live like that, do you think? I feel like I am drying up, withering. If none of us can bring up any behaviors related to ADHD because they cause shame, how do we live like that? I cannot help that when I walked into the kitchen this morning, there was a trail of coffee drips and grounds from the coffee maker to the garbage. I don't drink coffee. I cleaned it up and said nothing. If it happens again, who knows. If it happens every day, what--I should clean it up every day and say nothing? I should point it out to DH and that will cause shame? There is no way I will come out as the reasonable one in this particular situation. And there are so many exactly like that. Another example: 18 months ago DH got a new job and when he is not traveling he works from home. He took over my desk--with my blessing, I wanted to be helpful. But, over the 18 months, the desk space, which is in our master bedroom, got messier and messier. There are boxes under the desk, papers on the floor, his backpack on the floor, 9000 cords, the light blinking on his office phone non-stop because he can't be bothered to clear the voicemail. Never mind that he purchased stackable in boxes--those are in a heap in our closet. It drives me INSANE and I miss having a work space of my own. But--I say nothing. Today, though, I said I miss my nice neat desk area. And he says I could go get an office at one of my properties. The closest one is an hour away. Honestly--I would love that. How big of a bitch am I to prefer my husband an hour away just so I can have my desk back? Seriously--in what universe do I come out looking good in that scenario? And yet the mess is almost more than I can handle. Again--no winning on my part no matter what I do. I feel old and defeated and worn out.
you said it
Submitted by Zapp10 on
all when you said.....".getting better at letting things go, at not needing anything from him".
I told my H once,,,I would like my legacy to be that people just miss ME...not what I did or gave, not my talent at any given thing, not money I lent or gave....I just hope that they miss ME and that I was worth having been known for however brief or long a time. I want to miss YOU....for just being you and NOTHING ELSE..
Communication is done in so many ways and it is at its' best when it is reciprocal....I cannot remember the last time my H was curious about anything to do with me.....only further proof that I am trying to save a marriage that works for him but NOT for me....what is wrong with me?
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't think there is any thing wrong w/ you, on the contrary...I think you are pretty great and your husband is very very lucky:)....I love your comment's....(I just hope that they miss ME and that I was worth having been known for however brief or long a time.)
I know this response really
Submitted by Tan on
I know this response really well " I didn't get a chance to think about it" or I'll have to go away and think about it" - and that is usually the end of the matter. Having tough day today - some usual triggers and just not able to rise above it today. Has me in tears. Not loving this feeling. But its very familiar. Hope it will have passed by tomorrow.
I totally understand
Submitted by Stephb on
Sadly i feel the same after 29yrs of being together. I can see so much of me in your post. I get the blame for everything when it goes wrong. What you said about asking questions is just the same. Iv had to start emailing him questions so cant say that I never told him. we are living under one roof but we do our own thing, no arguing that way. Im emotionall t drained though and sooo sad. I dont understand why its so hard to clean up after themselves either, I didnt spill the drink. I get told Im nagging when I ask him to tidy his things up. Im continually told Imfat and lazy for not working. In the last 2 yrs Iv had 2 shoulder surgeries and not worked for 3yrs.
Now because Iv pulled away again he keeps saying he is leaving me when our house sells. Iv left 5 times but keep going backbecause I thought my love would get me through this. Im nearly 50 and dont think I can do it anymore
Nice post Melissa....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thanks for sharing this...It definitely high lights some of my mistakes (heaping of shame) in my past efforts to communicate with my wife concerning life issues....Awareness isn't just a problem for the adhd partners.....
It seems to me that most of us usually engage in communication efforts (talk) that point out things about their living of life....Until our minds can accept them and be free of the, "I want to change you thinking"
In looking back over the past 8 years at where we have come from on this marital journey....Most of the unhealthy things I've suffered with, and thankfully have been delivered from, like the anger & bitterness is because of the out-look on life and hopelessness I felt (victim) trying to communicate my desires for change...Much of my efforts toward that only produced shame in her, and anger in myself when nothing changed or it got worse....
Since the light switch has been flipped from placing unrealistic expectations to acceptance (no matter what that does to all the things I would like to see different in the marriage) we have grown so much it's like a miracle....
Each of us has a life we need to keep cleaned up; (a healthy mind) and no one can help us with that....Awareness is Key!
Submitted by Cristy on
I've been married for almost 2 years now with someone with ADHD. He works for his dad and his parents have enabled him too which I believe has made the situation worse. From everything I've read it sounds like I can not ever get upset, have normal feeling or be disappointed with him. Living with him is VERY difficult. I love him to pieces he's very smart and passionate and fun to be around However on the other hand he lies about LOTS of things big and small, doesn't complete work and tasks timely or efficiently, very forgetful, has very bad mood swings, spends money like we're rich, and the list goes on. It's almost like I have to stop being a normal person to be married to him. Don't get upset if hubby buys a $400 putter you can't afford racks up lots of debt in country club credit etc. Tells me he's done xyz for me when he actually hasn't. How does anyone really deal with an adult like this without ending up in a straight jacket? I'm seeing a counselor about our marriage but I'm not sure I have the patience to live my life where I have to DO everything pretty much on my own and give him the "get out of jail card" every time he disappoints and makes bad decisions and blame it on the way his brain works? I know this sounds insensitive but how can anyone live like that?
Submitted by Zapp10 on
don't say what your H says about his ADD. I am well aware of what YOU are talking about.......and you have my sympathy. The outcome of your marriage will depend on whether or not your H takes ADD seriously and this alone can be a huge hurdle. With his addressing this, along with you doing what you need to do on your end........your marriage has every chance of lasting .....but .....if he thinks "it's not a big deal" or "it"s not THAT bad"......your marriage has just the same chance of lasting.......but it will not be what YOU thought it would be.....not even close.
" I know this sounds insensitive but how can anyone live like that? " You have only to read here to find out.......but remember.....IF your H is on board that he has ADD and HAS TO address it then your outcome will be successful!!!!
This site is excellent for informing ALL about ADhd. It will tell you the how, where and WHY!!!!!!
I wish you the very BEST!!
New here, ADD not addressed in 45 year marriage
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
I've just discovered this resource. So I'm a beginner but I am at times totally at my wits' end with trying to peacefully cohabit with my husband, the father of our three adult children whom we both love very much. He is very much a maverick and lone operator and totally oblivious to helping with ordinary household chores. Maybe I should ask him to repeat to me why he refuses to wash dishes even though he cooks prodigiously for himself. I work outside the home 30 hours a wek; he is unemployed and at home nearly 100% of the time for the last 8 or 9 years. He was previously a very good provider and is also extremely intelligent. We married young and I now see that he lacks common sense and is emotionally clumsy. A good person but NOT easy to share day to day life with; I used to say he's happy to help if he can pay soeone to do the work. Now there's no money to pay anyone. I do what I can do and the rest is undone. It's depressing and sometimes infuriating. I love him but I feel alone and not often content... Thanks for letting me vent.
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I have often said....love my H but don't want to live with him.(43 yrs married).
Is your spouse diagnosed?
Hi Zapp10 . My husband is
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
Hi Zapp10 . My husband is diagnosed, innthat he has been taking Ritalin for 10 years or more. But he wants it to support his cognitive functions and thinks, as far as I can tell, that that is the extent of his ADHD concerns.
Submitted by Zapp10 on
YOU are not stupid. THAT is priority to stop using that word. YOU have to work on YOU and what the adhd does to you. Just as he has to work on HIM and how his adhd manifests itself.
Can you talk with him about your concerns? That if they should be adhd related is he willing to look into this? If he doesn't think it is really causing any problems.....your road will not get any easier. The success rate of a "good marriage" where the adhd person doesn't ACTIVELY and HONESTLY LEARN about this issue, is not sustainable ....in my humble opinion.
If your H is unapproachable to discuss things, adhd or not.......your ideas and expectations will have to be adjusted....and it will set the tone for your marriage into the future, if it hasn't already.
There is MORE than just taking meds. They do not FIX adhd. If he is just popping a pill and calling it good......he is very WRONG. Unaddressed adhd and marriage are a "molotov" cocktail.
I hope he is a willing spouse. Please feel free to ask questions here. This site and forum are extremely valuable.
Feeling sad but not alone
Submitted by Lucky13 on
I have read all of these comments and especially being married for 40+ years and it makes me sad but I know I'm clearly not alone. I have been married for 13 years and finally at 11 years, one 8 yr old son, I felt like we were in a good place in our marriage. Fast forward to today with an unexpected addition to our family, we now have a 10 yr old boy and a 9 month old boy...and of course I feel like I have a 3rd child with my husband. So many of the things posted about lack of organization, no sense of time, easily sidetracked, can't talk to me, has to think about things, forgetful, etc., I have lived. I have begged him to take medication but he does not like any medication. We have been to counseling over the years and it always helps for a bit but ultimately the ADD/ADHD is a big underlying issue that he does not think is that big of a deal. He is recently unemployed and in the last 6 months his ADD has gotten out of control. He is the adult version of my 10 year old and I ask him to understand how I feel working full time, managing at work, then managing at home, and being a naggy bitchy wife. Like so many have posted, my hubby is super smart, funny, but moody, and has to have things just so. It's so frustrating that I can't count on him because he lets me down time and time again, and if he breaks another promise it's no big deal. I love him and I am committed to my marriage but I don't have any fuel in the reserve tanks this time around with another baby and in survival mode all of the time. I don't like comments that we as the non-ADD/ADHD spouses are just supposed to move along and cope...I have no more coping skills. I am drowning and need a life preserver!! I used to wonder how people could be married so long and then divorce, but now I know why. When is enough enough? I don't like the person I have become for my kids and as an individual and I'm just treading water!
Lucky13....make yourself and..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
your kids the priority. Not easily done BUT the effort will give you back your sanity. YOU cannot fix this alone and if your H thinks it is no big deal.....where you can.....let him "fall" where his adhd is concerned. Choose what you have to for you and your kids (have a life) but let your H answer to the consequences of his actions...alone. Spend time sorting through who you are to who you have become.. DO NOT pick up the slack for your H...wherever or whenever you can let it go. Start small. You will be amazed at what you uncover about you. Take your FOCUS off him....I know I know.......just try it for a time.....WHAT have you got to lose? More time? It's too precious.....for you AND your kids.
I am re-reading your reply to
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
I am re-reading your reply to me because I want to absorb it and try to see how I can apply it. I thank you for your thoughtful response. I wish I had enough awareness in the past to consider ADHD as a factor in our relationship. But I did not; too much was personalized and became fuel for blaming, self blame, etc - which I guess is why I chose this topic in the forum for posting. There is so much depth in the comments I find here that I see I have much more to learn. I once said to my husband, the Intellectualizer, "You have a label for everyone!!!" I think that got through to him, surprisingly. But I want to avoid the same trap of judging as narcissistic, egotistical, poorly parented, etc. I want to see us as individuals in a relationship that is ours to create and enjoy, but I really feel that I don't have much direct input. It makes me sad but also deficient; that's why I presented as IFeelStupid, I guess. Negative thinking is something I try to stay away from now that I've learned how debilitating it is.
Mind Officially Blown
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
And I am terrified. My husband was away this weekend, on his 569th course this year... That is how he rolls. I was hanging with some lovely friends in their incredibly beautiful home and we started talking about my husband, and as per usual, we started making jokes about him. I haven't been completed trashed for the last couple of days so I was more sympathetic that usual. And I explained how much better I am doing, now that I have created some space for myself, and how I have realized that it isn't me, that there really is something wrong. And I could just see them nodding, in total agreement, and I figured it out. I have heard my husbands family make ADD jokes about him here and there in passing the last couple of years. I started reading about ADD, and then non ADD spouses, and it was so validating. We have a classic marriage. I feel lonely, abandoned, angry, frustrated and exhausted. He feels criticized, unloved, and like he has an out of control spouse (I lose my shit, a lot). I called up his mom and asked her if he has ADD or if he was ever assessed or diagnosed. She thinks he has ADD, but when she finally figured out what was going on, he was old enough to refuse testing.
Reading these web pages and blogs and comments is like casting insight onto the whole of my last three years. I have so many stories that could echo the ones here. I see so much anger and negativity from exhausted partners. And I can feel that anger and negativity in myself. How all encompassing it is. I have some perspective right now, because my husband is gone for a week, and I am grateful for that perspective.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I either love him more than I can stand or I hate him more than I thought possible. And every time I get a handle on it, he takes it to a whole new level.
I don't even think the comments I am making have any purpose. I am just ________ to finally understand what is going on. I am a bit worried by the bleak picture that is painted in the comments below the blog posts. I have already contacted my local ADD resources and am going back to counseling on my own to figure out how to approach this. I need to be in a good head space for awhile and gain his trust so that I can broach this subject so we can get help together. He is not going to like this. It's understandable. When you have been criticized and made fun of your whole life by, well, pretty much everyone after a few days of getting to know him, you are going to be on the defensive.
But, for once, I want to be holding the winning hand.
Respect for your feelings
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
Hi. You've expressed yourself so eloquently; I'm sure I can't help but I wish you the very best.
Another - thankful - response to Zapp10
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
You seem to be wise, and compassionate.
I've been thinking about your comments. I'm sorry to say that I often choose to be nonconfrontional (having been too much so in our past). We are in dire circumstances so I'm not enjoying the fruits of my hard-earned so called wisdom...sigh.
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Give yourself room to understand, accept that you have experienced a long time of confusing(?) behavior.....not just your H's adhd but your own,as you reacted to it. I am sure you look back and think why did I not speak up, stand up,why why why....yadda yadda yadda. When you know better.....you do better and this applies to us all.
Through stepping back (which was hard to do) from my H and focusing on what kind of person I was....I saw "how" I had acquired fallout from his adhd ( not his fault). THAT was my major prompt to step up and LOOK at me. I honed in on my own issues...that had nothing to do with him.....and learned so much about MY baggage.....it was freeing to see it, understand it and LET IT GO. It is an on going process that has helped me make my own boundaries.....which I realized ...I never had...with my H. Why didn't I see that I had no boundaries with him? Oh my....43 years? Doesn't matter......I HAVE THEM NOW.
Stepping back from my H was the best advice I got. Took me a while to see HOW to do it. Small steps for me....big impact for him. Example....I am not so available to him.....I don't let him interrupt WHATEVER I may be doing to "help, listen, DO something for him, go somewhere with him, run an errand for him etc". I AM NOT HIS SIDEKICK. This has been an eye opener to me.....no wonder I am tired. I am not a "go to" when it is convenient for him.(of course he is not aware he does this and.....THAT is for him to see and work on, not me)
Please know there are still times I stumble( not just with my H)....but I am picking myself up much quicker.
You are so right about the negativity. It is a STRONG force and very present in my H .....he just doesn't see it. Not my problem.....I am focused not letting it seep into me.
You will find your own starting point......there is so much info here at this site and on this forum. Invaluable and insightful people!!!
You are in my thoughts.
Zapp, comment you made
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Communication is done in so many ways and it is at its' best when it is reciprocal....I cannot remember the last time my H was curious about anything to do with me.....only further proof that I am trying to save a marriage that works for him but NOT for me....what is wrong with me"
Zapp, this comment (I know it was written a while ago) hits home for me also. I can't remember when my husband actually asked me a question just about "me", and/or was interested in something having to do with my feelings or concerns.....never. That, is a sad commentary, and I don't believe the ADHD is the whole culprit for that. He is selfish in his need and wants for attention and praise and admiration, respect, etc., but doesn't give it, or even THINK that in regards to me. I find it odd, that someone says they "love" you, yet don't spend any time THINKING or planning something to do with/or for you? He did this when we were dating, but then our time was "sporadic", which seems to suit him better, instead of a daily "marriage" type of thing. Like, he won't give of himself unless it's convenient for him time wise, and he can fit me into his mental schedule. This also includes sex. When we were HAVING sex, he often said, "Sex should be spontaneous, and NOT PLANNED". Which in this busy world, is harder and harder. And, the sporadic sex was mainly at his convenience, which was in the middle of the night, when I would be awakened with him trying to have sex with me, and was over in 5 minutes. This is not a great way for BOTH people to enjoy sex, closeness and a romantic, sensual, loving relationship. I spent months and years, trying to tell him what he could do to please me, and US.........and it would happen once, but not again. Even though, I would praise him and tell him how enjoyable that was. He wouldn't CONTINUE it, and kept saying his "spontaneous" thing. I am positive he is terrified of intimacy and "closeness", and to get too close to me (or any woman) is worse than shooting his own foot off.
Distancing myself emotionally from him has helped me tremendously. At times, I feel bad about not "being in love" with him any longer, but I NEEDED to do that for my own protection and now physical safety, because I can't trust him to do the right thing for me, should (God forbid) anything happen to me. example: I was very sick a few years ago, and was in a coma for 3 weeks, and physical rehab for another 2, and he wrote a DNR on me. (which I only found out about recently) DNR means "Do Not Resuscitate", if my heart should stop beating. That is NOT WHAT I WOULD EVER HAVE WANTED FOR MYSELF. I wasn't brain dead, in fact, I had incredible dreams and even some nightmares during this "coma" episode, but I did recover from it. He didn't even order a brain scan on me to see if I HAD brain activity. So, it proves he doesn't even know me, and the things he does, is for his own convenience, NOT what he knows is best for ME. This is NOT a marriage, or a partnership. We live together in the same house, but I don't trust this man any longer. As soon as we work things out financially, and with the house, I have further decisions to make on what to do next. But, I will be changing ALL legal papers, and putting in writing EXACTLY what I WANT for my physical well being, because I CAN NOT trust him to do that for me. That, isn't someone who LOVES you.
dvance...how alike we are......
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I was struck by your post. While we all have varying degrees of similarities in out adhd/non relationships this particular post hit the mark MANY times for me. I have come to the realization that my H's emotional ability is very much arrested. Sure adhd is frustrating alone....but add other issues and it becomes a "beam me up,Scotty" life. I kept questioning( in my mind) my H's inability to express affection, warmth, sincerity and loving "concern" for others......including me. It has made the adhd a secondary issue I choose to not bring up anymore. I do not pity him nor allow anger to come in on my part....I am choosing to turn my heart to compassion for him......while maintaining a life more suited to me. There basically is no marriage and he does not like that(ie: no sex). He also believes that everything is going good because we haven't fought........like that's the measure of a marriage. The impact of his childhood then add on 40 years of a spouse(me) being blind(immature) and what do I expect this man to do? We created this dynamic(unintentionally).....he is fine with it.....I am not. When love is given based solely on the giver and less on the receiver.....it cannot create a never ending circle where both are "filled" which is a firm foundation for the marriage relationship. Love chooses to acknowledge the " presence" of another...it says "There you are!" ....not " Here I am!"
You are in my thoughts:)
dvance, interesting phrase
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" He also believes that everything is going good because we haven't fought"
dvance, thanks for the post, and you wrote a phrase that also hit home with me. My H also believes that if we aren't "fighting" or disgreeing about something, everything is going okay. I really don't get this mind set. Just because a couple isn't yelling at one another, does not mean that all is well, yet that is what he chooses to think. Then, if I bring something up that I feel we could discuss, he acts "surprised" that I feel there's something to be worked on. How can someone STAY in such a state of denial?, is a question I continue to ask. He KNOWS better than that, because we've talked about this in conversations having to do with other people. But, he doesn't transfer that same scenario into our relationship. DENIAL, a truly powerful force in our household.
So, I will continue moving on with myself, and doing things to help better my own situation and life. Wishing you well today also.