I have just read a book on the topic of anger and relationships that Dr Hallowell suggested - it's great and would be very, very helpful to any woman who is trying to make sense out of why nothing seems to change in her relationship even though she keeps trying to "fix" it. (Men would benefit, too, but the book happens to be written with women in mind). I have been trying to figure out how to communicate how to move from "stuck" to a more fluid place where couples can actually make progress. This book does it, it's called
"The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D and not only does she "get it", but she writes about this in an easy to understand way. Her input will help you. I try to explain to people WHY I spend so much time trying to get the non-ADD spouse to change direction, rather than spend time trying to magically change an ADD spouse. I am getting a lot of feedback on the site lately from frustrated non-ADD spouses who say "I'm tired of always being asked to accomodate my ADD spouse...he should take responsibility for his actions..." I agree completely, yet people insist on misinterpreting what I am saying and, instead, assume that I am telling them to just lay down and let their spouse walk all over them. No! Each person is responsible for their own actions, and by changing your own actions you can also impact those of others - if you do it right. Describing what "right" is, of course, is the trick! This book does this.
SO - READ THIS BOOK! It's old enough that your library may well have it, but I bet it will be a book that you'll want to review a few times as you work through trying to do what she suggests.