Welcome!

Welcome to the viewers from the Dr Phil Show, as well as other newcomers to this site.  There is a lot here, so we suggest you start with the blog posts.  Some of the "favorites" are under "Melissa's Favorite Posts" in the top right corner, or you can explore by area of concern in the "categories" area.  The site also has a forum where people with concerns share them.  Many find it reassuring that others share their issues but please understand that the forum is biased by the fact that those who have found this (unadvertised) site often seek it out because their marriage is in deep trouble.  Not all ADHD marriages are in trouble!

ADHD affects marriages in unexpected ways, with big issues often developing around the misinterpretation of ADHD symptoms, particularly if the ADHD has gone undiagnosed for many years.  The object of this site, and of the book that I am writing, is to help people identify common patterns and misinterpretations that are the result of ADHD.  Once you can identify these things, you can start to better understand how to combat them.

It's critical that the person with the ADHD understand how the ADHD impacts his or her relationship partner, so that he or she can find the impetus to start to affect positive change around symptoms.  However, it is also critical that the non-ADD spouse understand his or her role, as well.  It is too easy to place blame on just ADHD symptoms or the ADHD spouse, when in fact both partners are almost always complicit (often in unexpected ways).

We hope that you find this site a useful resource for thinking through some of your own issues and creating positive change in your life.  We also urge you to become an active member of this community.  We ask only that you be respectful of all of the varied viewpoints represented.

Two final thoughts.  I am writing a book about how ADHD affects marriages.  A (very) few quotes from this site will likely be included in this book as representative of specific issues.  These will be anonymous, with no way to trace them to a specific person.  In addition, please understand that this site should not replace medical attention or counselling.

Comments

Too late

To all of you out there! I just happened to stumble on this site and might have accidentilly learned why my 23 year marriage died a sorrowful death.  If this is what I have had wrong with me all these years and never new it, wow!  I have read some of these womem's blogs and it fits what happened here like a carbon copy.  Boy, could I ever give Dr. Phil a story or two. What to do now?

ditto

If you find out, let me know!

I actually received a reply

I actually received a reply to my comment!  BreadBaker, would you please elaborate on "ditto". I sure would like to hear some feedback to this subject from another perspective. Thanks

Good for you

Good for you for being so self aware! First find a Psychiatrist and a counselor that specializes in ADD to get diagnosed, then read, read, read as much as you can to learn about it. Identify your specific symptoms that are gifts and nurture them and those symptoms that are problematic and learn how to effectively deal with them using Dr. Hallowell's books, "Driven to Distraction" and "Delivered from Distraction". I highly commend you for being so aware.

Too Late

Hi, it's never too late to get help.  See a therapist and a doctor (pyscopharmacologist) who deal with ADHD.  Life is too short to say it's too late, you can always begin especially when you have the right information and know that there is help out there, but it's up to you to get it.  Maybe after you do, you could inform your ex-wife about your experience and tell her you're sorry.  Best of luck!

just joined - hoping for hope

I've been married for 26 years (next month). My husband was diagnosed with ADD 5 years ago.  He's been taking meds since, but not willing to take the time for counseling or coaching.  We've had marriage counseling for awhile with not much success.  He's a workaholic who gets all of his self-esteem at work.  Doesn't need friends.  When I request that we work on issues he says okay, but there is never time because he keeps himself too busy.  He apologizes and says he doesn't mean to upset me, but is never willing to do much of anything different.  We also own a business and work together.  I feel like nothing will ever change unless I do something really drastic.  When I talk about not working in our business he says he won't do it without me.  I feel stuck.