This is my very first post. I stumbled on this site a few months ago, ordered Melissa's book, and read it. My husband (the ADHD- spouse) won't read it. Nor would he consent to talk to a therapist or use medication. He seems to think that doing any of these things would admit to being "at fault."
Just needed to get this out. My husband has just told me that he will be on vacation in a week...and he's dying to go away somewhere. I told him it is ridiculous and unfair that he makes such a hasty decision without consulting with me and now expects me to make it happen. Mind you, we have a 4 year old. For 5 years now I've been telling him how he needs to take a vacation from work, so that we can do something. He NEVER wants to take off, not one single day. We can't plan anything. Someone on his job told him of their wonderful PLANNED vacation and now that's where he wants to go.
I'm currently separated from my ADHD husband.
When we met, he was a brilliant, fast paced thinker in a high-powered corporate job doing tech support. He loved it. I loved him. He was CLEARLY ADHD, but when I asked him about it, he said it had never affected his life, so he didn't ever look into a diagnosis. Our courtship was exactly what would be expected with an ADHD/planner couple. It was fabulous.
"A person only has this minute, or this hour, or this day to work with, and what you do with it is your choice. I could fritter it away with fear, resentment and worry, or I could turn it to some more pleasant or productive purpose. Either way, no one is watching to chastise me for my choice. This is a great relief. I had always felt that my every move was being scrutinized, as if I was the center of the universe and on the verge of being found wanting. it is delightful to learn that I am free to make mistakes, to do more or less than I had planned and even to squander time.
The first 4 years of our marriage were very traumatic to me because I left my country to move to his, and when I arrived there he did nothing to provide for us. He wanted to study so he did that, and I had to go to the humiliation to go the welfare office so we had money to eat. Nobody hired me because I did not know the language and then I found myself pregnant. I resented him ever since for that time.
Hi I am new to this forum but have read many posts and can identify with many issues discussed.
I was with my undiagnosed ADHD partner for four and a half years and engaged for two.
I know the subject sounds strange, but bear with me. This morning, for the millionth time, I awoke to a sink full of dirty dishes. Each night before bed, I clean the kitchen, load the dirty dishes in the washer, and set it to run overnight. Most nights, my husband, who is ADHD (diagnosed 2 years ago and taking meds but with no real difference in behavior), raids the kitchen and fills the sink with his dirty dishes (or leaves them lying around the house). I have asked (and begged) him hundreds of times to PLEASE put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher before going to bed.
We've had such a stressful two years while my husband (he has ADHD) was very ill. He's now recovering. While ill he didn't drink any alcohol. Now when he feels stressed out he'll have a drink and it only takes a very small amount for him to get "buzzed." I think in his mind he's thinking that he's only had two drinks so how could I possibly be upset? If he calls me on the way home from work I can tell on the phone if he's stopped for a drink -- the tone of his voice changes and he speaks in a sloppy way, not quite slurred but almost.
My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years and have a 16 month old son together. He has always been a very caring and attentive person, but these last few months have been so difficult that I don't know what to do or if there even is a solution. I feel like the life that I thought we had together is suddenly just falling apart or maybe I was just imaging that things were good before.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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