This is probably not ADD but it does have something to do with how to respond rather than react to (or stuff) our own feelings of being upset with someone or with a situation that bothers us.
I do not have the talent to be quick on the draw with sparring words. I am often mute when someone "slams" me. I don't take it personally as much as I don't find that kind of banter/ego-fighting discourse fun or even comfortable.....especially when it comes amidst a group from the person who is my spouse. So this happened: My son was saying that he bought a wood burning stove...which triggered my husband to go on and on about the benefits of having a wood burning stove living in the north in the woods as we all do. I said, "H, I have been asking you to buy a wood stove for 2 years!". To which H responds loudly and sarcastically, "I AM NOT DRESSED for a SERMON tonight!" To which I was gob-smacked to silence - as usual - it is so stupid and disconnected. So, for over 40 years, this type of him shutting me up with things like "Heil Hitler, Who was you n...r last year?, Aye Aye Captin'. Whatever you say your majesty, Yeesssss, maaaaaam" and more. (and these responses are not from me nagging in any form and I know I have a VERY soft voice) this shutting me up has had an effect on us all. These have been his responses for me for trying to discuss ANYTHING! I have been mute for 40 YEARS when he says these things...sometimes in front of the kids.
I walked out of the room for a bit to think about my own feelings and of this long-time "shut-up-ness" pattern. I said to my son, "Let me talk to you outside". Then I told my son that I was upset with his father because for over 40 years H "shut me up" with these sarcastic sayings and that this has become normal for us all to hear him jokingly shut me up and to see me shutting up like that. And that I was not going to shut up about it anymore. I have feelings and this upsets me. I don't want to fight with his father but that I also don't want my sons or my granddaughters's to view sarcastic words toward people in the family shutting them up as funny and appropriate when a family should care and love. I don't care if I seem like a wet blanket who can't go with the flo or "take a joke". Sarcastic barbs bother me. That is what I said to my son. For 40 years I have been ignoring this and my sons have been witness and we seemingly have all been OK/normal with it.
Then after everyone left, I said to my H that this is how it is going to be from now on. I will let him know when I am offended by his sarcasm. I will let anyone who is in the room know I am upset by his sarcasm. I will not good humourly defend myself with playful banter. If the granddaughters had been in the room when he "shut me up" with sarcasm, I would have had to address it on the spot out loud so that they don't learn that this is Normal/OK.
And I will.
Good for you for standing up
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
When I was young my parents didn’t allow me to have a voice or an opinion. If I spoke, they laughed at me. If I cried, they yelled at me. I quickly learned to be quiet and disappear so I wouldn’t attract their attention. For the most part, I didn’t speak until I was 14 years old when a boy took an interest in me. Then I ended up marrying a man that ignored me and was very happy for me to be stay silent and never want or need attention. I knew how to play that part very well from my upbringing. One day I “woke up” and decided that I wouldn’t remain silent any longer. I wouldn’t allow myself to be treated as a doormat any longer. I let my parents and my husband know that I was no longer going to sit back and silently watch the $h!t show that I had been a part of for 45 years and that they all would be held accountable for their actions and I would require an apology from all of them in addition to respectful treatment moving forward. Well, my parents threw me away like smelly trash. They haven’t acknowledged my existence in several years. I wasn’t surprised. My husband, however, acknowledged the problems and tries extremely hard to have a healthy relationship with me. It’s a struggle every single day, but I so much appreciate his efforts.
Of course, you’ll probably be more tactful than me. I went in with guns blazing and laid it all out on the table. I was intentionally trying to find out who really cared about having a relationship with me and who didn’t. I’m only sharing this story with you as a cautionary tale. Some people might not appreciate your new found voice.
Emotions
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hopeful Heart. Thanks for the warning of coming on too strong with new found voice. I am sorry you lost connection with your parents. That has to be a real gut punch.
Just like Hopeful Heart, when I was a kid, I was yelled at if I cried. I didn't get laughed at when I spoke but i heard the words, "Don't you dare!", "What's the matter with you?" "Don't you have a brain?" and more terms of un-endearment. I have been thinking quite a lot about what Scott wrote in another thread about childhood emotional neglect. I came from a family where emotions were not addressed. In fact, having emotions was looked down on....and I was the kid with lots of emotions. We all just didn't have the words or the permission or the model to be able to share emotions and talk about them. This has been 2 generations and I am going to try to change this dynamic the best I can.
H seems to not have emotions except frustration in general, anger with me and raging at politicians. But the personal feelings of fear, regret, shame, guilt are not admitted or shared with me. When I would try to talk to him about feelings, he tells me I should not feel the way I do and that I should be more like him....someone who doesn't let things get to him and that I have to learn to shrug feelings off and that I am too sensitive.
Does ADD cause people to be too overwhelmed to handle emotions?
I have stifled my feelings for much of my life. I'm sort of quiet. I am learning about emotional neglect and was probably both a kid and a parent in that.
I am feeling alone, wistful, rebellious and thankful that I have this site to share.
Hi, jennalemone. Me and my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, jennalemone. Me and my ex both grew up in families in which expressing emotions wasn't done very much, except that my former father-in-law was "allowed" to express anger (his children and wife weren't supposed to respond in kind). My family was less repressed but I think it was still kind of a shock when, during my eating disorder treatment, I was encouraged to be more assertive. My ex still seems afraid of other people's feelings although he is more willing to talk about his own. I try to shut mine down in his presence. What is divorce for (for him, at least) if not being freed from the other person's emotions? (I'm being a little sarcastic, but in our situation, this definitely is true.)
Bravo! I cannot believe he
Submitted by barneyarff on
Bravo! I cannot believe he said such ugly things.
There is nothing funny about barbs and sarcasm....
Submitted by c ur self on
It sounds habitual, his way of deflecting subject matter that he wants to avoid...It's rude and disrespectful. When our spouses are incapable or unwilling to engage in serious or meaningful conversations, we should recognize it and stop trying...Even though it goes totally against my nature, I'm making a huge effort to not respond to anything but kindness. And just as huge of effort to only speak kindly to her...No you statements, no judgments, no accusations, I refuse to recognize them, or respond to them...It should of have been this way since day one....
I will say one thing here based on your post....I suggest to you that even though something is true (the fact you had been asking him in the past to consider getting a wood heater for your home)...The way you brought it up...In statement form....Can make a person feel like you are attacking them to some degree, concerning your own expectation....Which, in front of your Son may have embarrassed him to some degree...
If your statement was more of an ownership statement, maybe..." I've been thinking your Father and I should also install a wood heater for a back up heat source"....Might have been better...That way it's not directed at him, like he failed you....
I am sorry that he refuses to show patients in conversation's with you, w/o the sarcasm, that really hinders unity and fellowship in our marriage....
c
Emotions
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
My husband is very even keeled. He doesn't have emotional outbursts of any kind. His emotions are barely perceptible. I believe that he has Alexithymia, which is usually associated with Aspberger's. Recently our teenage son did something that was very typical of a teenager. I don't even remember what it was now, but my husband actually became angry. At first I was confused. I didn't understand what was happening. When I finally realized that he was angry, I felt a sense of relief come over my body. It was so refreshing to be able to actually share a difficult experience with another person. I immediately felt more relaxed and could feel the anxiety leave my body. I realized that I had been carrying all of the emotions of our entire marriage by myself and how much that had contributed to my stress and anxiety. I think it might be the only appropriate emotional response that my husband has had in 24 years of marriage. He's been taking two natural supplements for several months. He's been more attentive towards me. I'm wondering if the supplements might be beginning to work on a deeper level.
I cant imagine how stressful it would be if he had been having angry outbursts at me all these years in conjunction with the lack of other emotions. It doesn't make sense to me for a person to have angry outbursts on a regular basis, but claim to not have emotions. Anger is an emotion, isn't it? I think you may be right. It's just too overwhelming for some people to experience the full range of emotions.
Finding Your Voice
Submitted by phatmama on
You are taking quantum leaps out of your cell. You are going to shake things up, girl. The great thing about this is that you aren't some blowhard that can't be taken seriously because you have been running your mouth for 40 years anyway and who cares what you say. You have a studied, reserved, enduring way of coping and engaging with those around you and you do not just vent mindlessly. As you find your voice and your power, it is going to be GOOD. Be prepared, though. Who knows where this is going to end up.
Jenna, excellent stance
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm so sorry you have been subjected to this kind of "shaming" for so long. And, it IS a form of shaming. My DH has said things like this in the past, over 3 decades of it. He has changed a lot the past several months and is treating me so MUCH better, that at times I just dont know how to handle it. (If THAT makes any kind of sense) I guess I still can't trust whether it's genuine and lasting, or just temporary.
I never understood why my DH responded with anger and loud voice, harsh put downs, etc. and that just be "okay" with him, but no one else was allowed to do that. And, why is this so common amongst those with ADHD? I didnt do that to him, but that didnt matter. The main issue was to get me to not talk about anything he wanted to "avoid". I do think nurture in DH's early life had a big part to play in this. I just read some articles about adult ADHD, and how many of their mothers had severe depression and anxiety when pregnant with them, and in the childs early life. The mothers often had some severe emotional/mental issues that were never dealt with, which exasserbated the child's ADHD. I'll put up the links in the next post. (Cant find at the moment)
I too, like some others here, was raised in a family where we had "no voice". Me and my siblings were abandoned by our parents and raised by grandparents who didnt want us. We were told to be "Seen and not heard", were abused, beaten down, not shown an ounce of love, care or support. We basically raised ourselves, and grew to adulthood without being taught anything about everything. My siblings and and I were very ILL prepared for life, and not prepared for making any decisions that would better our lives. This beginning, set me up for almost sure failure in most things as an adult. I often wonder what kind if person I "could" have been if given a better start in life. I KNOW I wouldnt have made such poor decisions in "love". I just didnt know. Always feeling like I was trying to "catch up" to what others already seemed to be so sure of. And, a constant questioning of every decision, and deep in my heart a burning desire to just "wanting to be LOVED by someone". Hoping and praying that someone would want to love ME for ne, and not for anything else. This is a recipe for disaster sometimes, I think. Parents can really screw their children up, when they dont want them, and dont raise them with love and acceptance.
It has taken me a very long time for me to find my own voice as well. And, now I dont accept bad treatment either. It was only when I broke away emotionally and mentally from DH, that things began to change. I told him, I just didnt care any more whether he wanted me or loved me at all. I was done with the "emotional blackmail". I meant it, and I KNOW he finally knew that. I didnt tell him in anger either. I was quiet, settled, and I meant it. I was DONE. And done with everything. Then, and only then, did things begin to change. But, still now, its me that doesnt trust much now. Maybe that will change, but I had to get somewhat of a harder shell, I guess. But, I'm still learning about this whole journey.
I do pray for the best for you, And, I'm glad you're standing up for YOU. Hugs to you.