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by: J -
Just looked it up "To avoid accountability for their own bad behavior." "To control the victim’s behavior." A. I'm not a victim B. My reality is just fine. It is bad behavior. End of story>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: J -
This is just an observation in connection to my last comment. Making more connections and observations as I go... Why? I'm right back to square one again. Avoidant Attachment...distancing behavior. Last night, it happened again. This time, I was paying attention ( in real time ) as this behavior unfolded. We'd spent two days at home together and even I was getting a little cabin fever and asked if she wanted to go somewhere and get out of the house. The answer was no : "I want to stay in ( my ) house"....>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: Swedish coast -
It sounds to me like none of your ADD family members have tried stimulants (for my child life-changing for the better)? Have they had extensive work ups? As a health care professional in another field I'm aware that one is never very professional with family or friends. In your situation I'd avoid getting involved at all as psychologist but to leave all evaluation and treatment to other experts. With your knowledge I'm sure you can find the best help available. In my family it's been the mental health...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
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by: winter white -
Oh yes, so many patterns from my own childhood that came into play once I became so burnt out. Now, instead of using all the tools i had developed to manage those patterns and behaviours, it's like we're fighting them too. Chronic stress is an awful awful condition to live under. I want to do better by him as well, like the book says.....and I can’t when I’m playing defence. I am away now, at a hotel and having a spa treatment soon. My intention for this break is new though, thanks to Swedish Coast -- it...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
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by: Haveaniceday -
I couldn't agree more with the advice Swedish Coast has given. In 13 years, I have literally had 2 weekends away from my family, to do things that are really all about what I like, with people I enjoy etc. I cannot tell you how much it helps. It's been a rough couple years in our double ADHD home (spouse and teenager), and now I'm on the verge of burnout if not already there, and I have SWORN to myself that next year I will take up activities just for myself, and take mini breaks as often as I can. Our...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
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by: Sugarlumps83 -
Hi Winter white. I know the feeling. I have been married to the recently diagnosed husband. (Unmedicated) For twenty years and we have two teenagers. As per usual, I do everything. I take care of the finances, even organised his pension because he hadn't done it even though he is in his 40s. His invoices, cause he's self employed, the cooking, cleaning... Everything. I also work full time. It's hard, really hard and as sad as it may sound, I live for the good times, which tend to be during the summer...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
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by: J -
I started to answer your comment about things I've experienced in the past but stopped and was considering the questions you asked. The first one really made me stop and think. Do I trust my SO? And my honest answer is: I don't know? There are things I trust, and there are things I don't trust. And the first question I ask myself is: do I trust myself? Do I trust myself to know what I'm seeing? Do I trust my own cognitive bias? My own insecure attachments? My RSD or any other related issues that cause...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: winter white -
Thank you for writing to me. You have captured this thought that is truly my dilemma: Who prioritizes like this with children 3 and 5 years of age? But in exceptional circumstances it's necessary to save their mother's spirit and heath and that must come first. These are exceptional circumstances. It's easy to feel "normal" after all the work that's been done, but this season, being so close the anniversary of diagnosis, has brought light to all we learned in the ADHD marriage book and how this is a new...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
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by: Swedish coast -
This sounds so hard and you've done much already (diagnosis, treatment, counseling). I feel for you. Having children that age is trying for anybody too since they need so much of you. The best professional advice I ever had in a difficult ADHD marriage was to add pleasure of my own to family life. We couldn't see people either because of husband's social anxiety and my resulting anxiety, shame and overwhelm. It wrecked me. But there are things for only you to enjoy. Is it possible to reach out for old...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
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by: winter white -
I'm new-ish here and just want to say how relieved I am to read the way you've written this. We are still together but I feel this pressure to show up for our kids. To provide some healthy discipline/nutrition/relationship to time/emotional mgmt and response and yet I'm suffocated too. It's scary because if not for them, I could let up more control. But I can't see how less control will benefit them. thank you for your post. I'm sorry things felt so hard and hope it's going better for you and the kids...>>> on Forum topic - How to live and be a parent
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by: Swedish coast -
Sorry about this J. I share this experience of having a partner who withdraws a lot and doesn't communicate. It feels like a major waste of one's time, doesn't it? (Here I am, making myself accessible to you, asking to know you deeply, and build a life with you... and you just turn away, never lift your gaze or show any interest in our future.) It's hard to feel belittled or dismissed. Your explanation brings to mind the Invalidation Triple Threat in the book This Is How Your Marriage Ends. (You're hurt...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: J -
( avoidants ) appear to have 0 ability to communicate to you, anything I just said at times! Lol Also important to remember!>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: J -
Expectations and gender roles have a huge part to play in this. I believe this to be true as well. And without going too far down that rode for the moment, my role in the kitchen IS helper by default, because I'm literally not allowed to "cook" in the kitchen having to do with the control thing again. ( a different topic ). My only approved job there is helper and sometimes sous chef. She's the head chef you might say, and can also be a little like Gordon Ramsey in her delivery too. Lol That's part of it...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: Swedish coast -
When it comes to gender roles and housework, there's a world of things to be said about initiative, responsibility and women generally doing unfair amounts of emotional and practical work... It's not ADHD specific. I don't know anything about your life or work division either, so let's not get into it. But if I were in acute pain, and someone said they wanted to help me, I'd imagine the point would be for them to make the pain go away. Immediately. Not stand around waiting for me to do another painful...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: J -
This is one of those silly moments of no consequence when I was actually trying to help her in the kitchen. She was complaining that her hand was hurting ( from arthritis ) and she had a heavy cast iron pot in her hand that needed to go on the stove behind me. I offered to to lift it for her as she stood there holding it in her hand. I stood there waiting for her to put it down so I could move it for her.....pause....... She then says in an irritated voice: "well, take it from me....Sheese....it isn't...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: J -
I started therapy recently to work on me. Identifying triggers was mentioned as well as Symptom/ Response/Response. This post is on part...me doing my homework and pinpointing the exact cause of my triggers leading to anger. My SO admittedly can be judgmental and critical and within those two things come things about me she's complained about. Disapproval is linked in there with judgment. If you think about it, a judgement is a conclusion about a person. Wrong or right, it tells you what they think of...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I'm sorry you're feeling criticized. When in the marriage, I must have looked to my then husband much as you described your SO. All unconscious expression of general distress must have seemed like criticism. He thought I was disgusted by him physically, which was not the case. He reacted strongly to me coming home in a low mood because work had been upsetting. When I was knocked out by a virus, he was animatedly trying to confront me about my behavior, like my fever was really disapproval of him. He...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
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by: carenann -
I'm very interested in hearing more about this as well.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Husband and HSP wife.
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by: Photographyjunkie83 -
Dear ForestFin, Please make a plan and leave. What you're experiencing is undeniable abuse. Please put your well-being and mental health FIRST! It will be scary to deal with the unknowns but you sound extremely competent. It won't take long for you to rise above this from a day-to-day functioning perspective. Find a qualified mental health therapist to heal yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS!>>> on Forum topic - Help me Divorce
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by: Swedish coast -
Good for you. Studying and advancing professionaly has been the best way for me to reach independence. It's been sound financially. It's also provided a sense of purpose and even comfort. It's comforting to be able to slip into a textbook. One can concentrate for hours on entirely different matters than housekeeping and why one's marriage is so unhappy. You're thinking strong constructive thoughts. This will all be good for your future, I'm sure.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Anxiety families
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