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by: honestly -
And you’re right; this is about competing realities, and his bears so little resemblance to mine. But also I don’t have to do this anymore; I don’t have to listen anymore and I don’t have to burn myself to keep him warm. He helped me see that, even though it’s a horrible process to go through once again- the hope, and the failure of hope. He is diagnosed ADHD, but I am increasingly convinced he is also a covert narcissist. The patterns fit.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: Swedish coast -
He rewrites the script to fit himself. And his therapist - any therapist - will be clueless about what actually happened beeeeen you two. The individual therapist is only an echo chamber for him (like the several psychologists I saw for years for my stress, nobody could see I lived with a partner with undiagnosed severe ADD, since I didn’t know it, and therefore no therapy helped). Only you, Honestly, and your partner know what’s happened in the relationship. And since you two don’t share...>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: 1Melody1 -
Wishing you all the best with the counselling, Off the roller. I totally understand going by actions and not words. It's the only way. I hope you have a counsellor who gets it. When I told him it was over, he stayed in denial for a long time. I think he thought if he ignored it, it would go away. He definitely needed time to accept that this was really it (even though I'd clearly communicated my feelings all along). I understood that I needed to give him time, space and empathy for this and I...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: J -
When she yelled...."I'm your friend"...as the garage door was coming down....I pointed to my my heart. She acknowledged it with a smile. J>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: Off the roller ... -
Samsies gurl. All of it. I'm in the same thick, mucky yuck that is swirling around fear, individual insecurities and bad patters that just keep swirling around.>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: Off the roller ... -
Please belive me that it's never too late for anything that you need to change. I'm not trying to be clichéd either, just want you to know that maybe the changes you are hoping to happen might happen in a different way or in an unconventional way that you didn't realise.... but its never to late. Keep doing things for yourself that bring you joy and are in line with your own values. X x>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Off the roller ... -
Melody I'm intrigued as to how that first year of separation was for you? Did you have to leave? Did you kick him out? How did the separation happen? I'm in a really weird spot at the moment, we are about to embark on couselling but im not sure it's gonna help because I take what the behaviour is and not what is said. And couselling might be just another vehicle for more talking and no action or change.>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Swedish coast -
This echoes right out of my life as well. My husband was such a good person. I trusted him because of his intentions. He was loyal, sweet and kind until he had to function in a crisis. This happened twice in our life. First when our second child was born. And then when I had to leave him. His abilities in a crisis were so poor, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. The cruelty, the selfishness, the blindness to how he hurt me. It’s all ADD. I know this, and he’s tried to...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's great that you've been able to develop a fairly vibrant life outside of the marriage. I did cope that way for a time as I think a lot of others in our situation do. We have to carefully weigh our individual circumstances and I sure do hope you are able to find some happiness now and in the future. ❤️>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: 2Independent -
This is my DH's thinking, too. It makes him crazy that I have saved. He's right: I could die without spending my savings. But I also want to be able to pay bills when I retire. I feel like I will be working forever (at least I like it). I also fear him going before me, because I will have a mess of debts and God knows what else to take care of from his accounts (he buys expensive cars--plural--every couple of years, one which we never drive). There's got to be a balance between "one life to live" and...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Haveaniceday -
I doubt a different medication which change this, a few years back I was on antidepressants for about a year and this resulted in my life insurance being declined. I reapplied again a year after I had stopped taking them, and it was approved, but I was much younger than what he will be if he follows that route - so by then, the age might be the factor that excludes him. I think he is leaning toward taking the meds again, and forfeiting the tiny option of securing life insurance. But mostly I...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: Haveaniceday -
Thank you for your support 1Melody1, I suppose its never too late, but as our current life is it would be more harmful to get out now than not. Our situation is extremely difficult as we live in a foreign country, have no real support (I have wonderful friends but we don't have family or resources to fall back on), and earning what we do hardly keeps us afloat in one household never mind 2. In the back of my mind I've always thought that once the kids are on their feet, and the financial needs...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Haveaniceday -
2 independent, it is strange how in the beginning it all seems fine, but for me as soon as there was a level of comfort and familiarity, probabl in year 2, the dysfunction really started showing up. Unfortunately, my H has never had a very good income, he is one of the "I have only one life and so I must live it doing my passion" people. Which is so beautiful, but very hard to get right. He always points to the one in a million people who get it right and says see - it does work. Again, no...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Haveaniceday -
Yes to all you've said Swedish Coast. All of our experiences are so similar. Sometimes I feel like ADHD'ers are a different species with completely different characteristics, like Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens - look somewhat similar, but are essentially different right down to the genetic makeup. I don't mean this in a perjorative way, and if it was flipped - they were the majority of society and we were the minority, they'd be at their wit's end with us? And yes to spatial awareness. Its crazy...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: 1Melody1 -
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Is it worth investigating if there any other second-line ADHD meds he could try that wouldn't disqualify him from insurance? E.G. Wellbutrin? HUGE HUGS.>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: 1Melody1 -
I left my ADHD husband after 20 years together around 5 years ago now. It was incredibly hard and still is hard in some ways - saving enough for retirement as a single after a split is a bit daunting, for instance. However, there's so much about my life now that's easier and I know I made the right decision for my health and happiness. I can't adequately express how much calmer I am. I used to live in a state of constant anxiety, hypervigilance and adulting for two. The difference in my wellbeing is...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: 2Independent -
I can relate. My husband pretends to clean, then brags about how he cleaned. He pretends to organize, but just moves things around--some things never to be found again. He's never worked on our taxes. He is at a point that he does the bare minimum in life. If we go anywhere, even out to eat, we don't go unless I make all the plans. How did we get here? As I've mentioned before, I've kept my sanity in part because I've always kept my finances separate from my husband's. I...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: 2Independent -
. . . yes, and it is so very tiring! I did have to laugh at your last line about the chicken. Early on, my husband had a great job with a lot of responsibility, he loved to go out dancing, we went on regular weekend get-aways, we spent a lot of time together outdoors, going to art markets. It was those really good times that kept me in when he practically destroyed our marriage with his rage episodes. Early retirement was one of the worst things he could have done. And he...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Swedish coast -
Can relate to this. I was never a controlling or even organized person before. On the contrary, I was always late, spontaneous, because I knew I could save things at the last minute when needed. Now, stressed to pieces by my my marriage, I cautiously plan and think everything through. Spending life in survival mode does this to a person. I feel essentially disfigured. Don’t know if I’ll ever regain confidence. Oh, and another thing - spatial sense. My ADD ex had zero of this. He...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: Swedish coast -
You obviously have your life together, despite your husband’s apathy. I think you probably will continue in a healthy, social way whether or not you stay with him. My ADHD ex was more or less bedridden with depression and medication side effects the last couple of years of our decades together. Then, when I left him, he magically became able to work, and have the children alternate weeks, from not having been able to feed them over weekends when I worked. What I learned was, he fed off...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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