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by: lupath26 -
The part that hit me in your post was the word unpaid. Not unpaid in money, unpaid in acknowledgment. In my own marriage the tasks were never the heavy part. Remembering his mother's birthday, noticing the low mood before he noticed it himself, keeping our friendship calendar alive, that is a whole second job that only exists if someone sees it, and usually nobody sees it. The term is useful for one thing I think. It moves the question from am I doing enough to why is this only my job....>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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by: J -
I'm seeing the pattern, and it's now becoming familar. Is it wierd? Yes. It it confusing ? Most definitely. Does it feel hot then cold? Is he pulling you back in, just to push you away? Everytime you get closer and more intimate, does he get critical, belittling, and hurtful? Say you're too "needy" ? Everytime you give "more space" and step away, does he become more engaging and seems warmer? Seems like it? I had a kind of epiphany recently...when reflecting on all the...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Nearly twenty years of knowing him, then watching the change land right after a dose increase. No wonder you feel caught between two versions of the same person. There is a lot of loud input here pushing you toward a verdict. You do not need one this week. Go to the coffee if you want to, with no mission except to see how he treats you now. Then let the following weeks speak, because steadiness over time will tell you far more than one conversation can. Caring about him and protecting yourself are...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD Fiancé broke off our Engagement by text whilst over Medicated on Elvanse
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by: lupath26 -
Moving is a big step, sounds like the finance review is the doable first step. Wishing you both steadier days.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: 2Independent -
We had been talking about moving to be closer to family (which would certainly help) as well as to be nearer to amenities (including hospitals). There is no way we can do that anytime soon--nor would I want to. That would be the perfect "reason" to review ALL of our finances in detail. Thank you.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, it sounds like you’ll do well (better) on your own. It’s so hard to see a life partner fall apart functionally, though. A huge disappointment. At least for me it’s also meant general lack of trust in loved ones, people in general, my own ability, my own worth. I’ve spent three years terrified of being alive. It is getting better, though. I’m starting to live my own life, not constantly missing the old life and my partner despite all his dysfunction. For skilled and...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Something that might help reframe it: you already have the doorway. Weekly couples counselling is exactly the place her diagnosis becomes real and supported, and she is showing up to it. Whether she adds meds or her own therapist is hers to choose, and late diagnosed adults often need a long run at powering through before they accept more help. What is in your control is the handovers: calm, short, predictable. Kids read those ten minutes more than anything else. You are doing more right than it feels...>>> on Forum topic - Support for estranged partner
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by: lupath26 -
The car and the mower would annoy me, but the not knowing is what would keep me up at night. You cannot plan around a fog. Before your week off, maybe ask for one single hour with every debt on the table, framed as planning for your older years together rather than an audit of him. If he cannot give you that one hour, that answer is information too. A number is scary. A fog is scarier.>>> on Forum topic - I'm scared & so very tired
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one-get one free would be dangerous in my house, we would fight over who gets the free session. Glad therapy is in the picture on your end too. That hour where someone else holds the map is worth a lot. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Swedish Coast - Thank you for your kind words. Years ago, I never would have had this strength, but after caring for 4 elderly parents (Mom is now the last one left) and dealing with the VA for all of them, I found I had much more grit in me than I ever imagined. Both my husband and I were raised in military families (our fathers were both career military) and I believe this instills a lot of independence when you are growing up as you have to adapt to whatever is thrown at you. You are correct...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: N4ally2 -
I am so sorry to hear your story. I can tell that you really do love your partner. It would be nice if there were a reminder system that could simply remind us to show our partners that love. And I’m actually not kidding! An acquaintance of mine, an AuDHD financial coach who is in a dual-ADHD relationship, once told me that her partner programmed a location-based reminder that goes off when he reaches their front yard. It reminds him to ask her how her day was. Every single day. Sometimes...>>> on Forum topic - I think I waited too long.
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one-get one free would be dangerous in my house, we would fight over who gets the free session. Glad therapy is in the picture on your end too. That hour where someone else holds the map is worth a lot. Hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Ha, buy one get one free, if only that deal existed. Two people doing the work at the same time is honestly rare, so keep going. Glad my two cents helped and thanks for the laugh.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
That is the best news in this whole thread. Keep letting therapy be the steady part while the rest gets worked out, and good for you for already being in it.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: N4ally2 -
First, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. Your post, along with many of the comments here, reminds me of different parts of how I felt about my own relationship with my ADHD partner eight years ago. At the time, he wasn’t on medication or in therapy, was dependent on alcohol, and was dealing with manic depression. We were on the verge of divorce. Eight years later, we are in a very different place—and we’re happy together. We’ve learned how to communicate with each other...>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lostandlonely1 -
Thanks - I am in therapy too. Too bad you can't get a buy one-get one free deal because we've really kept therapists in business for years now. I appreciate your comments.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: lupath26 -
Thanks J, that followup landed. Caught myself mid-list of grievances last night and just went to bed instead. Small wins, but they are stacking up.>>> on Forum topic - Unmedicated and hitting breaking point
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by: Swedish coast -
Neuchatel, you can be proud of your independent thinking. It takes a lot of strength to keep one’s own perspective after trying for so long to keep a relationship together. About intelligence, isn’t that the strangest thing about ADHD dysfunction? That it has nothing to do with intelligence? You’d suppose a highly intelligent, educated person would reason in a way you recognize as logical. Instead logic might be lost, since executive dysfunction blocks whatever pathways lead there. I’...>>> on Forum topic - End of long relationship
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by: J -
Ironically, my middle sister contacted me a couple weeks after I sent her an update on my status. In that communication, she told me what she's doing and packing to do so which is.....getting ready to fly up to our home town to visit my other ( the eldest ) sister which she does every summer without fail. Ive never been invited to join [ them ] even once in over 25 years of this pattern, but I can tell you exactly what their itinerary will be. A big part of why I've never been invited is for...>>> on Forum topic - "Mankeeping"
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