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by: J -
This is not an identity. Its not a mask I wear ( masking no ), it's not a persona or false self, it's not a projection, based on fear or dominance. It's LITERALLY the description of a job duty in the tribe. It's describes me not as a label but as a function. This is an important distinction to make. Extremel important to understand our innate primitive programming, which makes us do...what we do.....in a societal fashion. That is, unless something else intervenes. I'm that somebody. Which...>>> on Forum topic - Positive Gifts and Strengths
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I’m glad you’re giving yourself affirmation and acknowledge your strengths. It’s the biggest revelation I’ve had as an adult, that minds are - spectacularly - not alike. One can’t assume a persons strengths are even in all areas. Just read about twice exceptional (2E) which is a description of people with exceptional talent in some areas and also exceptional difficulties in other areas. It’s sen in ADHD and autism. It seems to cover both my ex and one of my teenagers with ADD,...>>> on Forum topic - Positive Gifts and Strengths
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by: Groot Lover -
I can certainly give it a go. Thank you!>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: 1Melody1 -
Hey Groot! What do you think about you and your hubby taking a few quick notes on your conversations for a couple of weeks to see if that works. E.G. -talked about the wedding this weekend, -leaving at 6, -husband picking up suit at dry cleaners Wednesday. Just something simple that reminds you both what you've discussed so when he has these moments where he thinks you've had a conversation about something, he can see that you haven't without the need for an argument. It also might show him that...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
I realise it’s not harsh words but I suppose I feel sorry for someone who has ADHD - not because it’s detrimental to them as a person, quite the contrary. I’ve seen first hand how adaptable my husband can be at looking outside the box. Spontaneous and confident. All things I’m not but I do feel bad that he can be so misunderstood. I almost feel I need to apologise for his behaviour at times. He can be quite blunt but somehow it gets him results!! The inner thoughts are hard though. I think if I can...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: c ur self -
We really do not know what each other has or is currently dealing with...I just know that to continue to engage (attempting to fix, or speak into) the same disrespectful actions of any kind, with many ADD minds can create a comfort level in the person doing it...(They get so use to the combative dialog, they don't even realize how disrespectful and peace forfeiting it is) With my former ADD wife, she was all over the place emotionally and looked to blame...(never took ownership)...So disengaging and...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
I’m not sure I feel mothering is the right phrase but maybe you’re right. It’s just so hard to convince him at times that he’s not sharing his thoughts but him thinking he is!>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
I’m also new to this site after buying the book which was very helpful but you can’t beat talking to real people who are going through it too. I’m not going crazy and neither are you! Sorry to hear about your health issues. I’m not sure how I’d write things down. Sometimes it’s more about doing something together and hubby will say for example “no I said do it that way’” when clearly it was a discussion in his head or he won’t discuss plans because he’s ’thinking things through’ or ‘I’ve...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: c ur self -
I made this mistake also...At any point me, you, or anyone in life attempts to correct an adult who is convinced in their minds enough to argue about something (anything)...And we take it up with words also...Then we just opened the door for toxic dysfunction...Because we are allowing ourselves to be controlled...We allow ourselves to be their puppets...In other words nothing good, respectful, or constructive will ever come from that dialog... A lot of the time the reason we allow ourselves to...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Beth The People... -
My husband and I used to fight about this all the time. Now, it's less often. Because of my own issues with long covid and anti-depressants, I have little short term memory. And my husband has constant running conversations in his head with me, co-workers, parents, etc... I am new to this group and am overjoyed to read about others struggles. Not in a mean way! But to see that there is hope. And ideas for coping. One that I am using for these "conversations" is to take notes (verbal or manual...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
Great advice. Thank you.>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Swedish coast -
It sounds like you don’t share reality with him, and that leads to conflict. You’re looking for ways to avoid the conflict? It also makes you feel like you’re losing your mind? I’m certainly no expert, but it seems safer to me to be honest about the discrepancy. Yes, there will be open conflict. But if you hide the conflict, you are suddenly no longer participating on your own terms, and you’ll allow him to cross your emotional boundaries without even knowing it. Being very clear...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
At least hearing that others have had the same issues I can be assured it’s not me and I’m not going crazy. It does make me question my own sanity at times and I end up thinking my memory is going! I just wish I knew how to respond when he is convinced he’s told me something when in reality he hasn’t and it’s all his own internal thoughts. How do I respond without sounding like I’m just up for an argument. It’s draining at times and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Swedish coast -
Perhaps ADHDers think they do communicate when having private thoughts. It’s also very possible the outcome for their partner in these scenarios is in no way intended. I think as long as I could still believe my ex didn’t want to hurt me, it was all bearable. But once I lost that faith, I plummeted. He’d probably say today if somebody asked him, that he never wanted anything but good things to happen to me. Still, being married to him has made me lose confidence, health, social circles, and...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
That’s tough. I think anyone who has adhd realises after they’ve spoken harshly that they shouldn’t have and do regret their actions but it’s hard to tolerate for the non adhd partner.>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
Sorry to hear that. It’s hard at times. I don’t want use the adhd as an excuse for his behaviour. I’m guessing there’s a big learning curve for me.>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Swedish coast -
During divorce, my ADD ex was deceitful and hurtful, explaining he hadn’t valued our years together, and that he was happy to get rid of me. It was hard to hear since I’d been his caregiver for years, supporting him financially and carrying the family responsibilities alone. Then, a year later with no attempts from him whatsoever to make peace, he apparently told my mother he had conversations with me in his head every day. He was mulling about how things had gone wrong, and wanted to make...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: honestly -
I really did love him, and he broke me again and again. I kept pulling myself back together and working harder. After half a lifetime of this - 25 when I met him, together for 25 years - I collapsed, physically and emotionally, and could not pull myself back together again, even for the kids. This past year - just 10 months in fact since we split - I have been gradually reassembling something like myself, and reassessing his behaviour and no longer finding excuses for it. Maybe I didn’t love...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: Groot Lover -
Sorry to hear this. I love my husband dearly so I’m determined to make it work.>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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by: honestly -
With my ex, I would find myself facing consequences of ‘decisions we’d made’ that I had been completely unaware of. On one occasion this involved him cancelling a lovely hotel so we could go stay with his ex girlfriend instead. Apparently we’d agreed this. I would never have agreed this; not in a million years. I ended up changing beds and making conversation with a woman I disliked rather than relaxing in a hotel. With him I thought of it as convenience rather than actually believing we had had the...>>> on Forum topic - Conversations in his head
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