Recent Comments
- by: Chevron - Joining Jenna, agreeing that what you wrote about what ODD actually accomplishes in relation is very insightful. Thank you, C. I'm always aware that, once one gets past the responses immediately fostered by ADHD wiring, such as attention or emotion fast flare, into habitual behaviors in relation dynamics, that people with and without ADHD can have developed the same dysfunction. Aka anyone can refuse refuse refuse or has to be my way has to be my way has to be my way. I opened the topic out of that,...>>> on Forum topic - How do unavoidable needs get taken care of if there's ODD in the adult couple?
- by: c ur self - I can be to direct...Venting can be a necessary way to release our frustrations...Better here than to someone who wouldn't have a clue.... C>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Alone in Marriage - Dear J, Thank u for taking time to read and contribute to my post and even though I haven't replied to your post for days, I didn't ignore what you said but was thinking. The main thing I take from your post is about what you say about your wife, how her past shaped her (and still is shaping her), seemingly almost beyond repair. You talk of dependency/co-dependency cycle which is familiar to me. You also talk about how sometimes too much is just too much, even if and when people love each other,...>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: jennalemone - Very wise words. This is an entry I will read over and over. I can't believe how I forgot so much of the me that was love. There should be continuing classes with these things for people to learn (and be reminded) about life and courage and grace. We need to feel loved. The first place to start is with "self-love". I used to know this and live this but forgot this in the turmoil and busywork that has been my "sacrificial" marriage. I am slowly pulling myself up and out of the muck. Thanks.>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: MelissaOrlov - I had a very complicated, multi-decade relationship with the person I had the affair with. So it wasn't the same experience that you are having, though I do remember how hard it was to get him out of my mind while the affair was going on (this generally goes away over time, once the affair is over if you don't see him.) That said, I think my husband did have the experience you describe - infatuation, leading to what feels like the drive of love. I don't doubt, in fact, that he did love these other women...>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: Feathers - I know I have some issues with co-dependency.I know life would go on for both of them if I were gone. I actually think sometimes my husband would be happier without me. My kids have skills that would allow them to live independently, except for the boy who has autism. I do think my husband and daughter would kill each other if I weren't around LOL I would love nothing more than if all my kids were living on their own. Please, don't read more into that than what it is - a vent. I am not narcissistic, a...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: c ur self - I loved and respected my wife very much...I use to mentally put her face on my lover in the beginning...My wife got cold to me physically and developed OCD, and trichotillomania..(hair pulling)..We were in our 20"s...She turned away from sexual desire, and refused my advances, some times for weeks...But, when she would give in, and I got her motor running, she loved it...But as soon as we pilled up exhausted, she would turn over and get in the fetal position, and never discuss or accept what just happened...>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: c ur self - (He is more apt to do household chores and yard work when I am super mad at him, so unfortunately that is what works :( Mine tries harder also when I angrily puke up her reality onto her..But, that is not an option, I want settle for nothing less than a happy marriage, And I can't be the Co-dependent Mothering Spouse and expect that to ever happen...This was the most difficult for me to put into practice and still is...It takes daily awareness... (I think I am just tired of being the one to constantly...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Feathers - I don't know, C...I do all that. I text, because it is what works. When I text then he can't misunderstand me and he truly hears what I am saying. I walk away when he is being disrespectful and using words that he knows hurts, he follows. Am I trying to force him to care? I know that I can't force him to do anything. (He is more apt to do household chores and yard work when I am super mad at him, so unfortunately that is what works :( ) I do think he tries to get me to be more like him. I've told him...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Feathers - I actually do understand a lot of what you are saying, but I'm just not at that point right now. I need to focus on me and my issues a bit for a change. Every thing, every single thing in our marriage has been worked around his ADHD. It has been the elephant in the room. The single most important subject. Everything he does is because of the ADHD. I get why, I totally understand. And the reason why I understand is because I have quite a few of those disorders that no one sees as well. But, I don't get the...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Chevron - Responding to things in your first post, Alone. Much appreciation of your remark about being emotionally so burnt out. Remembering my own stress and confusion as my future husband and I approached marriage, we started coming off the high of his hyperfocus during our courtship, and simultanously it was looming in understanding that he had ADHD but also a lifetime of struggling with it and denying that he had it , I remember my simultaneous love of him and dread of what was appearing in the relationship as...>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: jade21 - I'm ready to move and I don't feel there is any turning back. Nothing will change and I can't stay for myself. I feel guilty for leaving, because I can't take this marriage anymore. I can't take the lies. I feel guilty that maybe I should have left my husband long ago and maybe should of never had my son. I feel guilty that my child will be the product of a divorce. I feel guilty for hating my husband. I feel guilty that my son has never seen me happy. I feel guilty that the life I had planned for...>>> on Forum topic - How to deal with the guilt of leaving
- by: Alone in Marriage - Dear C, Thank u for ur reply - I hope u don't mind if I follow it with some (personal) questions - feel free not to answer them, it is just, since u'v bn thru something similar and made a choice u regret, I'm hoping I can learn something from you, to avoid making a choice I will regret...First of all, please remember, you have not sinned more than King David did (I trust u didn't kill ur Lover's husband...) and that David was forgiven and later even blessed 'thru' his trespass, namely, through Solomon....>>> on Forum topic - Emotionally Burnt-out
- by: Dale70 - Thank you for giving me hope. I was totally oblivious to my actions. The Dr just told me medication would help me. Yes my focus was better but I was oblivious of my actions and somewhat still am. I only noticed by reading other people's stories of their divorce, and I saw all my wife's complaints in almost every one. Thank you again for some hope. what is the link for the videos you suggest?>>> on Forum topic - Marriage in jeapardy
- by: JJamieson - What are you guilty of? I mean, what did you do wrong? I'm just thinking here as you said this, that in order to be guilty of anything ( to feel guilt )....what have you done wrong? As you said that your feeling guilty "knowing that I will be changing my son's life forever" this doesn't make a lot of sense to me? How can you feel guilty, for something that hasn't happened yet? In my way of thinking, you can really only feel guilty, for something you've already done? Which is why I'm asking? What...>>> on Forum topic - How to deal with the guilt of leaving
- by: Stef G - Dale, As the non-ADHD spouse in a 45-year marriage, it is not too late to save your marriage. I think what is key is to understand both the symptomatic behavior AND the partner's reactions to it. Until my husband and I did this, both of us suffered. As you read Melissa's books, you will find your marriage in each page and you will find strategies for managing ADHD. My husband had to find strategies which worked for him and I had to own my horrible reaction to behavior I did not understand. If you don'...>>> on Forum topic - Marriage in jeapardy
- by: JJamieson - that could convey to you my experience but I know that I can't. I see you, and I hear you and I hear myself in the past saying the same thing. I know exactly where you are and I know one thing for certain...no amount of words, will change how you feel ( inside ) and I can tell simply by your words, that there is a lesson here to be learned on your behalf. This is not about anyone else but you for your benefit only, but I know for a fact, that nothing more I can say to you from what I know, will be...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: c ur self - No, you misunderstand me...It's obvious from this post that you are being bombarded by victims...All I am saying about your husband is, unless HE CARES, to give you enough of his attention to HEAR you...Then for you to demand it...(emotions raised over a calm loving voice) is fools gold!....It will only take you down the road we are trying to avoid to begin with...One of negativity and unstable emotions, because you want to force him to care to hear you!.....That never works!.... Look at it this way...If...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Feathers - I really think that is a lot of our problems right there. I am so passive, so easy going, the peacemaker, the person extinguishing all the fires, the person cleaning up everyone's messes, the one everyone goes to when they have problems and I am tired. I am asking the other members of this house to step up to the plate and they are fighting back. I don't do well with confrontation or conflict. I am a peace loving, make love not war, love everybody, spread that love shit everywhere, do what I can to make...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!
- by: Feathers - So, I should let him think I meant what he thought I meant all because he didn't pay attention to what I was saying, he only heard what he wanted to hear? I shouldn't let him know that he hurt my feelings? I don't argue with him because I think I am right. If I ignore it, it says that I approve this. When I stand up for myself as my therapist has taught me, it means that I will not tolerate this behavior and his behavior/anger is not my problem. But our marriage therapist and you all are saying that his...>>> on Forum topic - Should I change my behavior? Help!!