Recent Comments

  • by: JJamieson - 19 min 20 sec ago
    I wanted to join in here, and say a few things about what I have learned in all of the things that have been said about letting go and in a more general sense...everything that has been mentioned or said in this entire thread?  And the best place to start is simply saying that the ADHD "effect" is only 1/2 the story here?  My personal story I can include as being a "journey of discovery".  Not just a metaphorical "journey" or "path", but a real one on a time line going back to my childhood and moving...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: jennalemone - 7 hours 24 min ago
    Thank you, Melissa. I have read and re-read this.  It makes me feel lighter and free and hopeful.  I know that I need to do some mental exercises over and over to un-do decades of programming/learning that was not good for my well-being.  I will practice these steps and will try to post here with more of accepting the past, appreciating the present and thoughts on a good future.   This is so helpful.  I look forward to your words on infidelity.  I've wondered where the actions of strong, forgiving,...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 23 hours 39 min ago
    Hey - no need to apologize!  But since people look to me as the expert, I want to make sure they don't misconstrue my words.  And there is often lots of subtlety to what I say, so that can be easy to do.
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 day 2 sec ago
     Melissa I'm sorry that I was callous sounding and off base, so thank you for clearing that up for me. I DO appreciate that, immensely. I don't think I ever read it in those precise terms before, and I thank you for helping with my misconception so clearly. I am also very glad to hear that there is something coming soon about infidelity. There are many here who's spouses have gone that way, and like you said, it's a devastating thing to go through, and shakes your well being to the core. Infidelity is SO...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: adhdmomto4 - 1 day 1 hour ago
    I'm so sorry about this.  I'm sure there are positives to your relationship and that's probably what the psychologist is holding on to.  Maybe he/she is tackling one issue at a time and instead of "let it go" maybe "lets work on the bigger things" before the smaller?  I'm not sure.  But at any point physical or verbal abuse is not excusable.  Neither is infidelity.  Once you feel that you do not love someone you have to take a long look at what you would reasonably put up with.  My thoughts....living with...
    >>> on Forum topic - Really miserable and struggling

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 1 day 2 hours ago
    First, let me please respond to a comment you make - that I am suggesting that you should stay in a one-sided marriage and be happy with it.  NOT AT ALL!!!!!  No one, and I include you in this, should stay in a one-sided marriage forever.  I suggest only that couples who are unfamiliar with the ADHD Effect may be happily surprised (even amazed) by the changes they can make once both members of the couple move out of denial and start to 'try differently' i the way that works for couples impacted by ADHD.  ...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: c ur self - 1 day 3 hours ago
    Time, attention, and care should be a part of our lives together...I understand what you are saying. It is difficult to be in a marriage where you seem to be the only one putting energy into the relationship.... Blessings C
    >>> on Forum topic - What does your ADHD spouse consider a fun activity together?

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 day 3 hours ago
    Melissa, a few extras. This is a good post and good suggestions for everyone. The gratitude thinking is something I"ve done most of my life. I've always been grateful for what I have, and for many things (even little tiny things) and grateful for even trials in my life.     Melissa, I don't think anyone is questioning that you've had success in what you did with your husband, but I DO believe there are husbands (and wives) who regardless of WHAT the non-ADHD spouse does or becomes, will never be a...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 1 day 5 hours ago
    There were three things that I did to move away from bitterness and cut myself a break: started a gratitude journal.  At the end of every day I sat down and focused on three things for which I was grateful (I still do this today sometimes)/.  These are simple sentences that start with "I am grateful for..."  I then spend a few minutes enveioped in my feelings of gratitude and ENJOYING it.  These things can be as simple as "I am grateful for the comforting sound of the rain on the roof" or as complicated...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 1 day 5 hours ago
    You are no more responsible for 'fixing' your partner's depression than you are for making sure your partner is happy.  You can (and should) care about, and be empathetic to, your partner's joys and sorrows.  But empathy, being respectful, and supporting a partner are FAR different from being responsible for solving someone else's problems.  Any therapist who tells you otherwise should be dropped.  (And few reputable therapists would tell you that, BTW.)
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: jennalemone - 1 day 6 hours ago
    "There was a time in my own life when I was bitter and angry...when I didn't like myself at all.  So I've been to a place that is similar to where you are now."        and           "Your life feels unfulfilling and then dropping into bitterness adds to that lack of fulfilment."    and    ..."you DO get to make these choices for they ARE yours to make."       Melissa Yes, I realize I must not allow myself to go to that place of self-pity or anger or bitterness or resentment.  I realize it is a habit and a...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: PoisonIvy - 1 day 20 hours ago
    Thank you, Melissa.  Your response is helpful.  I do think, though, that there are a lot of people (including some therapists) who think it's the job of the spouse who doesn't have ADHD to fix the spouse who does or that it's the job of the spouse who isn't being treated for depression to fix the spouse who is being treated for depression.  
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 1 day 20 hours ago
    We tell ourselves a story when we get married that goes something like this:  We will have a happy, engageed marriage. We will raise successful and engaged children.  We will share our joys and interests and be happy.  The life gets in the way.   What concerns me most about what you write is that by carrying around the pain and dwelling in a place of regret you may/will become bitter (if you aren't already) and that keeps you from creating a better life for yourself.  The bitterness pervades everything,...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: MelissaOrlov - 1 day 21 hours ago
    We do offer tele-support groups for ADHD partners and for non-ADHD partners.  Go to our support groups page for more information on them.  The next sessions are coming up. Melissa
    >>> on Forum topic - My wife hates me. I feel hopeless and depressed. I don't know what to do...

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 day 23 hours ago
    When I read your first comment "Self loathing 2", I burst into tears. There's someone else who understands and gets this, and knows this, and I'm sorry you're hurting also. Sometimes I do think there is a difference when you are an 'older woman" (and I use that phrase kindly, since I am older, lol) and we grew up somewhat different than woman are taught today. Today's women are taught to stand up and be counted and be a person in their own right, when that wasn't the case years ago.  The church (for those...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: dedelight4 - 2 days 1 hour ago
    Don't get me wrong C. Well, I don't think I verbalized it very well, but I DO go to the movies with my husband because he likes it. It's just it's the "only" thing we do together. I haven't harassed or yelled at him or anything about this, it's just I"m not crazy about going to the movies as our ONLY thing to do together.       The rest of the time at home he spends behind his computer or his video games/tablet. There was once I signed us up for dance classes (ballroom) and he fought it terribly, until he...
    >>> on Forum topic - What does your ADHD spouse consider a fun activity together?

  • by: jennalemone - 2 days 2 hours ago
    Evie, see the post I just entered...about being on a planet by myself.  See what happens to a wife who "is more flexible" and LETS HIM?????? "just lets him do" and "just let him do it his way."  You would be ME in 30 years.  Ashamed of yourself for letting yourself become someone you cannot respect because you have supported HIM to do things you are uncomfortable with.  I would like to have a few words with your psychologist.  When it comes to home life,  the main caregiver,  OWNS that space and knows that...
    >>> on Forum topic - Really miserable and struggling

  • by: jennalemone - 2 days 4 hours ago
    I am reflecting on conversations I have had with my friends.  Sometimes, when I say things to friends or family members about some strange or rude behaviors of H, they respond with "He must be depressed."   ????   Like I said this weekend to my good friend, "H doesn't like to go out and do things with me or anyone else.  He likes to sit in his garage and smoke and drink and do crosswords."  .....response from friend...."He sounds depressed."   ??????  He sounds like an antisocial alcoholic to me. My words...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: c ur self - 2 days 5 hours ago
    There is nothing that can be said out of reason to a person who refuses or has no ability to reason....So to lose an argument to that person will always be the reality....Because there isn't any other outcome possible for them as long as they live in a defiant mind (any of us)......The miracle of healing and change (humility and Self-awareness)....Separate one's self from the person....Death....These are the 3 things that can end the dysfunction in communication where reason is replaced with defiance.......
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

  • by: c ur self - 2 days 6 hours ago
    (I truly believed in love, and believed that enough love could heal anything. (it can't) God's love can, our love can't.) Dede I was abandoned by my Father at age 5, I was molested repeatedly by a friends Mother in her 30's as a young teenager. My first wife was a rape victim who hide it (blacked it out for years) and pushed me away until my affair started (not her fault, I should have been stronger, but Sin begats Sin)...So my life by the time I was 27 was a Fog of Sin, Baggage and Insecurities...When...
    >>> on Forum topic - how to let it go??

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