Recent Comments
- by: honestly - This is an interesting insight, and it mirrors my experience with an ADHD husband. The problem remains, though, if that if the ADHDer is compassionate and caring BUT entirely focused on their own current moment of experience, then nothing beyond that moment is to be intuited or anticipated or considered or even really heard. So for the neurotypical partner (speaking only from personal experience here) every day provides more evidence that your OH does not care about you (they may not mean it, this is how...>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: J - For all your support and wisdom when I really needed. Bless you. J>>> on Forum topic - The Silent Suffers
- by: Swedish coast - Your story is so relatable. My psychologist just said to me: anyone psychologically healthy would have kept going in your situation, trying to make the marriage work, trying to understand ADHD, and mend the damage. I think she's right. We love the ADHD partner, we try. It's not a very rewarding pursuit for many of us. After decades, we might be rather worn out. She also said: you are incredibly brave to have divorced him now. I relate to your thoughts about how to arrange life and expectations around ...>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: shevrae - I used the word accommodate and I guess I mean adapt. “not simply for the ADHDer to do whatever they want and for the non to pick up all the slack - and for the ADHDer to behave however they will and for the non partner to just take it and not complain” I mean, you just described my experience of marriage for the first 2 decades (not that I was always great at my part as slack-picker-upper and non-complainer). So not that. The truth is I don’t really know what to do. I have spent 25 years of my life...>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: alphabetdave - First of all I don't think it's a moral obligation whatsoever, I think the only way you could really justify it as an obligation this strongly is if you believe really strongly in the moral obligation of a committed married couple to stay committed and married at all costs, don't believe in no fault divorce etc - and I understand that that can be a very prevalent attitude (I'm in UK so probably less so over here) - but yeah, if you're unable to accommodate ADHD symptoms in a partner I don't think it's any...>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: Swedish coast - I hope when switching into regarding ADHD symptoms as legitimate, you still also claim your own needs. I may want to accommodate severe ADHD symptoms in a partner, and I might try, but it's beyond what can be asked of a person, really.>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: shevrae - It's hard because we didn't know about ADHD for the first 22 years of our marriage. My pwADHD also struggles with anxiety (which we also didn't know about) so most attempts to break into the now-absorption went south pretty quickly, though it is a lot better now that he is taking medication for the anxiety. But I'm still having a really hard time after 2 decades of feeling ignored and then resented for reminding him I exist. And being asked to flip a switch from 'my husband refuses to consider my needs in...>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: AdeleS6845 - I can second what Dagmar was saying. I have never needed approval to post anything on this site. In the past, I've reported posts that were inappropriate. (Where people were using profanity or threatening others.) I would also like to say that this is a place for both "Nons" and ADHD partners/spouses. I believe there are more Nons on this site because the partners who are reaching out for help with their relationships happen to be Nons, If that makes sense. After all, If you saw nothing wrong in your...>>> on Forum topic - So is this place mainly a non ADHD spouse peer to peer support group?
- by: Dagmar - None of these comments are approved - I wonder if it's something technical that's keeping your stuff from posting. You're definitely not being censored and are totally welcome here. I don't know about anyone else, but I am always horrified that my husband has never found this site. I've told him about it. I've sent him links to articles. Nope, nothing, nada. Since the separation he has finally started seeing an individual therapist and keeps coming to me with tips and tricks and other stuff he...>>> on Forum topic - So is this place mainly a non ADHD spouse peer to peer support group?
- by: Swedish coast - This rings very true to me. It hits the nail on the head as far as my experience goes. I've lived with an immensely empathetic ADD partner who had no ability to imagine or initiate what not yet existed. He therefore reacted, but didn't act. It's been incredibly sad for us, since it's literally wrecked our family and myself. But it was never lack of compassion, nor self-absorption.>>> on Forum topic - "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"?
- by: Off the roller ... - This is so true. So true.>>> on Forum topic - "I sat with my anger long enough
- by: 1Melody1 - It breaks my heart to read this, c. Your boundaries and acceptance have been so inspiring, but you're still human and it makes sense you're at a crossroads if your cup has not been adequately filled for many years. You deserve connection and conversation. I completely relate to your roommate living situation. Eventually I also STOPPED... and you know... my husband didn't notice. In fact, I observed he actually became happier because I suddenly didn't have any needs, made no bids for his time, etc. It's...>>> on Forum topic - The Silent Suffers
- by: alphabetdave - Title sounds more provocative than my intention lol - rules are fine. The problem is that most rules are very much designed for non-ADHDers. They're perfectly good rules but as ADHDer trying to live by neurotypical standards, it's just profoundly dissatisfying in a way that's hard to explain - especially because for most of us, no one tells us that we've got ADHD for the longest time. We get to adulthood often times, just not able to fit into the mold everyone expects us to - or doing so at massive cost to...>>> on Forum topic - Is this an emotional affair?
- by: Swedish coast - I'm sorry that you feel abandoned. You have always been an inspiration on the forum and I appreciate your kind input in discussions. I hope this will change into something better.>>> on Forum topic - The Silent Suffers
- by: Karmakameleon - Thank you so much. I really appreciate the kind words. I have found some relief in "fight Right" by the Gottmans. For the first time a book made sense.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD husband feeling overwhelmed
- by: Swedish coast - My heart goes out to you. It's such a hard struggle. I hope you will find your way forward and not feel stuck any more. Whatever you choose to do, please don't be hard on yourself.>>> on Forum topic - Getting unstuck
- by: Off the roller ... - Thank you for sharing. It sounds so hard and I find it so relatable. I understand everything you've written. It's me at the moment.>>> on Forum topic - Getting unstuck
- by: Swedish coast - Dear Off the roller, My anger at boundaries violated, though not always obvious to me, caused chronic resentment. My husband felt it and it was detrimental to his confidence. In my mind, I was trudging on through hard times, still loving him. But he didn't feel that. We had terrible fights where he turned Mr Hyde on me, also turning 180 degrees in opinion about vital matters we had agreed on, and then forgot about it. This happened every few months for years and every time, it took me weeks to get over...>>> on Forum topic - Getting unstuck
- by: Swedish coast - That's probably true. Most ADHD actions that feel intrusive to a non partner are just a result of an inner chaos. There is no bad intent, I think. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around it. Standing watching it, to me it looked like my ADD ex partner used me shamelessly. He seemed to allow himself to lean on me heavily, using up my time and energy and mental bandwidth while resting forever in bed, avoiding all challenges, shrinking my formerly adventurous life and providing almost nothing for me...>>> on Forum topic - I did it!
- by: Off the roller ... - Your reply really made me think Swedish. I guess I feel like through the last year of learning about adhd and my partner that MY anger - because its mine and its what I can control - IS a choice?? Because I'm choosing to sit in it and it's harming me. I'm only after learning how anger is supposed to be a fleeing emotion and that if anger isn't subsiding after 90 seconds or so, then it's a much bigger problem to address bc its affecting your health. Now that is me paraphrasing ans butchering what I've...>>> on Forum topic - Getting unstuck