Recent Comments

  • by: Zapp10 - 1 hour 23 min ago
    appear that way and it will be that way when the adhd spouse IS in denial or giving it a half assed effort.  What Melissa is referring to is you both as a unit learning to work together. That is why THIS is not doable when there isn't a cohesive EFFORT on BOTH parties. Adhd is NOT a PASS and until BOTH of you understand how it effects "things" you can't begin to fix it. So many of the non-adhd spouses are here because THEY( and I am one) are "dealing" with their circumstances which involve some form of...
    >>> on Blog entry - 9 Ways to End Lying for Good - Lying Part 4

  • by: dvance - 1 hour 47 min ago
    You nailed it--it's expected that we hold up our end AND their end and every other end because we can and we actually DO what we say we're going to do.  I often wonder what DH would be like on his own.  Would he find it in himself to, oh, I don't know--pay bills on time?  Because now he doesn't even open his mail.  Last week an envelope came in the mail addressed to him but I thought the return address was our pediatrician so I opened it and low and behold--a $2500 bill from his counselor.  From two years...
    >>> on Forum topic - so tired of being on my own even though there is a husband

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 hour 50 min ago
    J,   I struggle immensely with that sort of dismissal.  I know it is because he cannot deal or cope with my pain or discomfort all at... That just causes him to be uncomfortable.  So, the result is he dismisses it so that HE doesn't have to deal with it, and doesn't care what it ends up doing to me.  Saving himself at my expense.   i am not sure how much of that is his adhd or how much it is from the csa.  And honestly, I really believe that so much of his adhd tendencies were onset from the abuse.  I...
    >>> on Forum topic - WOW - this is powerful! (Thanks DeDe and J)

  • by: dvance - 2 hours 8 min ago
    To answer your questions--yes my husband works.  He makes a good living.  We are not struggling exactly, but we have a fair amount of medical debt related to the 17 year old's addiction and rehab ($8600 owed for that), the 15 year old's Asperger's (a counselor and tutors), and many tests I had prior to the surgery I had 4 weeks ago.  The $980 is income taxes that I am paying down.  We are not in any trouble at all, I make monthly payments, just that DH didn't even know that was the arrangement.  We got...
    >>> on Forum topic - so tired of being on my own even though there is a husband

  • by: Cristy - 2 hours 32 min ago
    I thought the exact same thing reading this! Don't make them feel you're their mom but manage the money give them an allowance and don't show any negativity when they fail. How about when all the money is hone and your mortgage electricity etc is due? I'm suppose to come to my husband calmly and non judging and find out why we don't have money to pay our bills while he made frivolous impulsive purchases. 
    >>> on Blog entry - 9 Ways to End Lying for Good - Lying Part 4

  • by: JJamieson - 4 hours 23 min ago
    I have been keeping track of a lot of things lately...and paying attention to my feelings.  There is one component to this feeling...that I have not ignored or swept under the rug.  More just noticing it as it happens.  There is something very consistent in what my wife does....that is very disturbing to me.  This really gets to the heart of any character issues that I feel are at the bottom of what she does and what she does is very abusive.  Nothing my wife does or says to me...will change the way I feel...
    >>> on Forum topic - WOW - this is powerful! (Thanks DeDe and J)

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 5 hours 48 min ago
    My husband knows he has been hurting me - and will not lift a finger to stop.  He uses his past and everything going on as an excuse to contrinue to hurt me.  But in HIS mind its OK since he doesnt love me anyway.    Today  - I feel like I dont even exist to him-  its like I never did.  I found some old texts from him to me last night - and I wonder who the hell wrote them... it could not have been this person... this person who has treated me with such disdain, such disrespect, such... apathy... not...
    >>> on Forum topic - Feel like my husband is financially ruining me.

  • by: Savonday - 6 hours 5 min ago
    He knows he's hurting me and I think a lot of it is depression.  I think his parents don't help by not pushing him.   He told me that he feels stuck and he's sad that he keeps disappointing me.   I can't make him do anything I get that.   I told him he needs to take responsibility for his actions.  I asked him why he feels stuck and he says it's because of the money.   Then I said what if you figured out that what then.  He said he can't even see passed tomorrow because he feels lost.   I told him he needs...
    >>> on Forum topic - Feel like my husband is financially ruining me.

  • by: Zapp10 - 6 hours 55 min ago
    don't say what your H says about his ADD. I am well aware of what YOU are talking about.......and you have my sympathy. The outcome of your marriage will depend on whether or not your H takes ADD seriously and this alone can be a huge hurdle. With his addressing this, along with you doing what you need to do on your end........your marriage has every chance of lasting .....but .....if he thinks "it's not a big deal" or "it"s not THAT bad"......your marriage has just the same chance of lasting.......but it...
    >>> on Blog entry - 8 Interactions That Trigger Shame in ADHD Partners

  • by: redhead1017 - 7 hours 11 min ago
    You mean that ALL we need to do is just smile and accept that someone loves us? That was the secret all along to shouldering the burdens of decades of unemployment, lack of responsibility, childish behavior, and temper tantrums?  Thank you so much for enlightening us! 
    >>> on Forum topic - The Real Answer, For Some Of Us At Least

  • by: Cristy - 7 hours 23 min ago
    I've been married for almost 2 years now with someone with ADHD. He works for his dad and his parents have enabled him too which I believe has made the situation worse. From everything I've read it sounds like I can not ever get upset, have normal feeling or be disappointed with him. Living with him is VERY difficult. I love him to pieces he's very smart and passionate and fun to be around  However on the other hand he lies about LOTS of things big and small, doesn't complete work and tasks timely or...
    >>> on Blog entry - 8 Interactions That Trigger Shame in ADHD Partners

  • by: JJamieson - 9 hours 26 min ago
    Alertenss 1. Vigilantly attentive; watchful: alert to danger; an alert bank guard. See Synonyms at careful. 2. Mentally responsive and perceptive; quick. 3. Brisk or lively in action: the bird's alert hopping from branch to branch. n. 1. A signal that warns of attack or danger: Sirens sounded the alert for an air raid. 2. A condition or period of heightened watchfulness or preparation for action: Nuclear-armed bombers were put on alert during the crisis.  a·lert·ed, a·lert·ing, a·lerts To notify of...
    >>> on Forum topic - WOW - this is powerful! (Thanks DeDe and J)

  • by: JJamieson - 9 hours 35 min ago
    They are really good for me to see this too.  So much of what I've done...without knowing it (and it therapy) is described clearly here in a very easy way to understand.  It also validates what I am seeing happening with my wife too.  One thing that I  haven't said...but do realize in respect to my wife.  This is where it gets tricky to say this correctly since...I know what I want to say here....but to say it accurately takes a little thought. It's very easy to say that what one person experienced as far...
    >>> on Forum topic - WOW - this is powerful! (Thanks DeDe and J)

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 10 hours 34 min ago
    This - exactly...   He likes to tell me how I "am the love of his life"  and then the next day its "I concluded a long time ago it would never work"... and rinse repeat.   Funny how they will say how they "tried"  - but yet.... what exactly does that mean?  Did they read a book?  See a doctor?  Give up when the going got difficult and uncomforatble?  Did they just "think" about it?   Yeah  - thats "love".... sure it is.... the kind of love that you have when all you care about is yourself and your...
    >>> on Forum topic - Thinking of separating from my husband....I'm done

  • by: dedelight4 - 12 hours 10 min ago
    Stacey, and and J, thanks for this. I agree that this guy REALLY  explains where so MUCH of the hurt comes from. And it cam TOTALLY explain a whole bunch of the ADHD issues as well. I can see my husband, and how his mother raised him and his siblings. It's all there. I saw a bunch of my own past as well. Most I already had figured out, but to hear someone expound on it, is enlightening. 
    >>> on Forum topic - WOW - this is powerful! (Thanks DeDe and J)

  • by: JJamieson - 12 hours 32 min ago
    I could rephrase what you said in terms of boundaries.  "Fire walls" for you are good.  Cement walls that block or having to maintain or create numerous boundaries against your spouse that "block" him...."manipulate him"...or "force him" to go around....don't work for either person and are really just "Walls" to keep your spouse "out." Those aren't boundaries....they're solid brick walls or barriers to keep your spouse "out"..... and that's not good for you or you spouse as I hear what you are saying. ...
    >>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 12 hours 40 min ago
    AMEN AMEN AMEN... From my heart of hearts... amen....   This hits me so much:  "And to that person blabbing on and on about "look within yourself" since you are the add spouse how the hell would you know what it is like to be constantly ran over by someone you thought you were entering in a trusting relationship with."     I am no longer bothering with the relationship side (after all - he cant be, and decided a long time ago it wasnt worth it to him to lift a dammed finger to improve things between...
    >>> on Forum topic - Thinking of separating from my husband....I'm done

  • by: MrsADD - 12 hours 48 min ago
    the only thing that has worked for me is seperating our finances. I pay household important bills he pays all his other crap (and usually does not do this well). I show him what he nees to give me to pay what bills (we used to do this monthly but he prefers annually b/c talking about bills and budgests stress him out) we agreed he would give me a set amount each month and I would use that amount to pay the budgeted bills. I only tackle debt that he has if it is medical related b/c I am in charge of paying...
    >>> on Forum topic - Feel like my husband is financially ruining me.

  • by: MrsADD - 12 hours 57 min ago
    I so agree with this. Take care of you take care of your kids, let him fight his own battles. Stop trying to fix him or his issues b/c you can't he is the only one. For 3 years after having our first I tried to fix my husbans financial woes (mostly b/c we could not find daycare in our small town and I could only work part time) he finally screwed us so bad financially. We were days away from packing up and moving into his mother's basement  I was 7 months pregnant with our second. Miraculosly we got...
    >>> on Forum topic - Thinking of separating from my husband....I'm done

  • by: MrsADD - 13 hours 15 min ago
    Are you sure you are not married to my H? LOL. Yeah, I have tried a lot of workarounds and basically, boundaries and self-responsibility are where we have ended after 4 years of marriage and two small children. I take care of myself and kids and that is my only focus anymore. It's funny but we have kind of gone back to how we were when we first met before kids. He always had some chaos he was in the middle of and I would just say "wow that sucks, good luck" but when we had kids I starting helping and try ...
    >>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?

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