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by: Swedish coast -
Lack of initiative is the most glaring symptom of the ADD I’ve encountered. The person is A) unable to initiate things or so insecure or vague about initiative they avoid it B) comfortable waiting for others to initiate every time C) unaware they burden others unequally with keeping the mutual relationship going D) unaware their seeming disinterest might be hurtful or insulting to others E) unaware that their lacking initiative forces others to also take responsibility...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: jaeeleigh -
I have the same issue in my relationship (also engaged to someone with ADHD). I'm with you– it's incredibly frustrating, and feels pretty isolating too. It feels like I'm not interesting enough, or that he simply doesn't care. This usually isn't the case though, and I think that's where the idea of the symptom recognition can really come in handy (if you haven't read the ADHD Effect on Marriage I highly recommend it). I would highly suggest (based on what I've read) that you bring up...>>> on Forum topic - Three years into the relationship.. feeling frustrated
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by: honestly -
It sounds so exhausting. And all on other people’s behalf. You do need something that’s just for you.>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for sharing and for your kindness. It’s a good thought, that a parent ultimately isn’t responsible for their teens’ contact with extended family. I assumed I was. I felt every nice thing done for my children by family put me in debt. No wonder people like me are bad at asking for help. Hugs, Melody>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: 1Melody1 -
So sorry you're dealing with this Swedish. I've seen similar in my family, maybe not to this extent, and it really hurts. I think Honestly gave you amazing advice. These relationships are never going to be what we want them to be most likely, so the only thing we can do is what's best for us. If they want to see you or your teens, then let them come to you to make plans. If they don't, that's on them. Disappointing for sure, but way less work for you. Their relationship with your kids is THEIR...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: 2Independent -
I like the idea of "in a different way" or "in an unconventional way." And that is a possibility. My primary (only?) concern is finances. I'm at a point in life where I have been able to cut back my work hours and enjoy long-held-off projects and passions. I worked hard for this time and it's so very important to me. I unexpectedly carried the heavier financial burden for half our marriage. Just as we got married, he got fired, and he never held a decent-paying job again. Because he was distraught...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for your kind words. The empathetic ones are equally clueless. They don’t have basic perception about taking turns or sharing responsibility, or even social event manners (like thanking for things after, or sending messages with some enthusiasm, like that would be too bourgeois, or they’re too good for it). They imagine their doing things the way they prefer is normal, and see no reason to reflect on themselves. Even one-on-one time with them is draining and stressful as they let...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: honestly -
‘it’s not something that’s done, it’s something that happens’ - because you make it happen!! They might notice if you stop… It might be that this pattern in your family of origin (your role as selfless caregiver, nurturer, holder-of-things-together) is what set you up for the dynamics of your relationship with your partner- we do do this; I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday in therapy about how this works in me (my lack of connection to self, caused by narcissistic parenting, very...>>> on Forum topic - Hurt by family
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by: Neuchatel81 -
Reading this was like my own story. Married 43 years and the time blindness and lack of financial strategy is now top of the list. Husband’s business has not been profitable for 5 years, and he appears unable to formulate a plan to improve the situation except stating he will earn more……what kind of plan is that?!?!? We have a new therapist on board who seems to understand ADD and financial issues so I hope she can help him see the light. If not, then I will have to make hard decisions even thought I...>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: J -
That's what it's called. I just didn't know the name.>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: 1Melody1 -
Swedish and Honestly, I really feel this. It's freeing to stop trying to find shared understanding. My husband just wasn't able to see things as they were, even though 100 people on the street could have easily, you know? I don't know if it's a coping/self-preservation mechanism or just different brains, but it was better to accept that and move on.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: Swedish coast -
Despite all things you’ve written about your ex SO, J, this deep connection is also true. Your scene of the other day is so easy to empathize with. This co-existence of deep love and deceit, power struggles, abuse, is terrifying and true. Like you, I’ve found it’s safer to keep the loved but terrifying person at a considerable distance. It’s just too painful to interact with them.>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: Swedish coast -
Isn’t it sad that what we might yearn for most, is for them to understand us and validate our perspective? It’s taken me two years to accept I won’t ever agree to his reality again, and therefore there’s nothing to be saved after the crash. Everything is ruined. He’s dead to me. Honestly, I feel for you.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: honestly -
And you’re right; this is about competing realities, and his bears so little resemblance to mine. But also I don’t have to do this anymore; I don’t have to listen anymore and I don’t have to burn myself to keep him warm. He helped me see that, even though it’s a horrible process to go through once again- the hope, and the failure of hope. He is diagnosed ADHD, but I am increasingly convinced he is also a covert narcissist. The patterns fit.>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: Swedish coast -
He rewrites the script to fit himself. And his therapist - any therapist - will be clueless about what actually happened beeeeen you two. The individual therapist is only an echo chamber for him (like the several psychologists I saw for years for my stress, nobody could see I lived with a partner with undiagnosed severe ADD, since I didn’t know it, and therefore no therapy helped). Only you, Honestly, and your partner know what’s happened in the relationship. And since you two don’t share...>>> on Forum topic - he needs me to do more and better. again.
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by: 1Melody1 -
Wishing you all the best with the counselling, Off the roller. I totally understand going by actions and not words. It's the only way. I hope you have a counsellor who gets it. When I told him it was over, he stayed in denial for a long time. I think he thought if he ignored it, it would go away. He definitely needed time to accept that this was really it (even though I'd clearly communicated my feelings all along). I understood that I needed to give him time, space and empathy for this and I...>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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by: Birgitta -
After 13 years together, I have left my relationship with a man who has ADHD. Already in the first month I understood that he had ADHD. He has been the best, most loving and kindest man in the world. He has said that I am the best, most beautiful, etc. versus the times when he has been the worst. We argue, he makes personal attacks about who I am. That everything is my fault, that everyone else thinks this or that about me. That he is angry because I... always me. There have been some really big...>>> on Blog post - Got Conflict? Get Curious About Your Parts
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by: J -
When she yelled...."I'm your friend"...as the garage door was coming down....I pointed to my my heart. She acknowledged it with a smile. J>>> on Forum topic - Building vs Re-building
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by: Off the roller ... -
Samsies gurl. All of it. I'm in the same thick, mucky yuck that is swirling around fear, individual insecurities and bad patters that just keep swirling around.>>> on Forum topic - Reality bites
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by: Off the roller ... -
Please belive me that it's never too late for anything that you need to change. I'm not trying to be clichéd either, just want you to know that maybe the changes you are hoping to happen might happen in a different way or in an unconventional way that you didn't realise.... but its never to late. Keep doing things for yourself that bring you joy and are in line with your own values. X x>>> on Forum topic - Waited too long
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