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by: Swedish coast -
The not accepting help, I think it’s a mechanism of integrity. It’s ultimately destructive, but it has a solid reason at least. Not asking help from subtly hostile in-laws is a way of keeping independent. Not asking uninterested neurodivergent siblings to help with the children is a way of keeping socializing with them light. Not burdening friends is more elegant than requesting their precious time. Not fighting with your depressed dysfunctional partner for equality every time is perhaps...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: 1Melody1 -
All the things he's doing... sleeping in 'til noon, not taking the job search seriously, leaving most of the childcare burden to you, smoking the day away... and then getting angry at you for trying to have a conversation about it?? Try to imagine a world where you do all those things to him. You wouldn't and he likely wouldn't carry the load he's left to you. This point I'm trying to make is that you're not expecting too much. You're simply expecting that the man who married you and had children with...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry. This sounds very difficult. By what you write I get the impression your husband doesn’t have any idea what his actions mean in your perspective. Even if he doesn’t mean to hurt you, this is no way to treat a wife and mother of one’s children. People who don’t see their impact are in my experience just as bad for you as those who will harm other people intentionally. The therapist didn’t see it either. It seems often there is very little outside support for people...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: Swedish coast -
So sorry to hear about narcissism and abuse in your past. It breaks my heart that you did all that, all those academic achievements, sad inside and hoped it would help. I wonder how much of what we do is just to be accepted. You’re welcome to rant as much as you want. But you don’t come across as negative. I associate you with wisdom.>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: honestly -
the patterns - doing something to hurt you and then telling you you have to get over it. The leaving you even in pregnancy to do the literal and figurative heavy lifting. The prickliness. You could be describing my ex, except that he drank rather than smoked. And hyperfocussed on work. And wasted hours on social media while i struggled on with difficult pregnancies and small children. The only thing that ever worked at all with my ex was going nuclear. No amount of gentle requests worked - he...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: honestly -
Sweedish and C, the ways you interact and comment on here, where there’s really very little people pleasing to be achieved, suggests to me how essentially good you are at core. It feels like comradeship and without any side or shade. It’s so much easier to do what i tend to do - rant in fury and resentment - even though I’m pretty sure by now ADHD was probably only about a third of what was going on with my ex. as for being solid in your own sense of yourself, your accomplishments etc; I have...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: Swedish coast -
Your presence is the best comfort. My psychologist now says I have complex PTSD from the marriage and extended family neurodivergence. I don’t know if that would apply to you - I certainly hope not - but perhaps it describes some of what we’ve been through. The cure for this is not googling it, as I’d be prone to, but to do simple things for oneself. Doing amazing things (the chair!) and expecting nothing in return is Christian and generally admirable, but I’d love to see...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: honestly -
Thank you. Firstly, just to say I am so sorry to hear how your father treated you. That’s such a deep wound. Secondly, I’ve been thinking on what you said, and it was wise though I didn’t want to absorb it initially. Then I was clearing out my desk, and found old photos and notebooks from when me and the ex were first together; the first few years. And looking at them, reading them; I was happy then, and it was real. It was just a different reality to where we ended up. A mix of hope...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: c ur self -
I felt your every word deep inside me...I could write a book, but, I will spare you...I've known I'm an HSP, for a long time...But, I'm thinking it's more...I'm probably an Empath... I was forced into adulthood early because of a working abandoned Mother, and two distracted minded brothers...I ran interference...On my job for 38 years, I ran interference, took own every project no would wanted...I got use to my boss, calling me in and loading me up...(So it would get done)...I still do anything...>>> on Forum topic - How to stop people pleasing
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by: c ur self -
When we chose to live self centered lives, and excuse the ramification's those behaviors have on the people we should consider above ourselves, (our spouses and children) that tells it's own story! It's obvious you see it based on this very detailed picture you have painted us...Since he is an unsafe person who isn't concerned about your well being above his own laziness & addiction, I say you should live like he doesn't exist (as for as expectations)...Because at the end of the day, we have to...>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: c ur self -
I suggest you work on your own peace of mind...Accept that you have and will continue to live lovingly toward her, but you must not allow your mind and emotions to hinge on seeking a certain result from her (forfeit your peace)...If she want talk to you after 20 years of being invested in you guy's marriage, see it for what it really is, and ADHD has nothing to do with it...My ADD wife moved further and further away until she lived in the guest room the last 5 years, (a conscience act) and took no...>>> on Forum topic - Why have I gone from her hero to her villain?
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by: N4ally2 -
So agree with c ur self. I would add the following. In my marriage, I struggled with trying to be the task master and keeping a full time job. I eventfully had to come to the realization that I cannot do it all and my adhd partner must take on some chores. That was the 1st piece of the puzzle. The 2nd piece of the puzzle came when I learn and played the Fair Play Game. The game taught us to figure out our agreed standard for what does done involve in a task. That helped us so much because my partner...>>> on Forum topic - Is the ADHD spouse ever the "chore master"?
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by: c ur self -
Many who have fast minds do not give in to them in many ways...Also remember, ADD/ADHD is a sliding scale...(mild, moderate, high or clinical) We are formed by our environments and convictions from small children to adulthood...Nothing creates responsibility in a person like pressure...Pressure from strict parents, pressure to honor God, pressure we place on ourselves; Survival fear; (if I don't do it no one will)...An ADHD minded Individual who has matured under pressure, can be some of the most...>>> on Forum topic - Is the ADHD spouse ever the "chore master"?
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by: Help Please -
Any opinions are appreciated>>> on Forum topic - Why do things get the worst when I need support the most?
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by: NorthCountryBoy -
I thought I'd offer some of my own perspective as an ADHD spouse who is also struggling with an extended lack of sexual intimacy between myself and my partner. 1. "I have lost almost all respect for my partner, and am just fed up." If you felt like your partner was taking concrete action(s) to improve in the areas that would foster respect, would that change how you feel? Or maybe another way of asking the question would be: what would cause you to respect your partner, and can they...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: Swedish coast -
Respect and trust for me are close friends holding hands… I respect a person for their values, integrity and stamina. I trust them for the exact same reasons. Executive functioning affects things like work ethic, sense of logic, verbal skills, judgment, ability to decide, prioritize, make boundaries. All vital in the shaping of life. I could never accept my kind and loving ADD ex partner’s executive weakness. I grew to hate it, even though I tried to accept it, and for so many...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: J -
And if you've lost all respect, you owe it to that person to move on for they're sake. You cannot function or operate in any mode of cooperation, if you can't be the person, you yourself would want to be around. Contempt, disregard, resentment and disdain are what you yourself would be putting out there if you'v lost all respect. You're not being a person you'd want to be with and the other person can tell. They can feel it from you, even if you don't say a thing. If your taking full responsibility...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: CAinUKwithADHDP... -
I do Trust him. It's the respect I struggle with... the replies have caused me to consider - I don't respect him professionally, or financially. However, he is kind and caring, and is willing to talk. Can I respect those qualities without the other? Is that enough? It does go back to the original love question though - is it there to be rekindled? It's the Parent Child dynamic... I feel like I have a puppy dog constantly wanting attention - he's not distracted in that way...>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: Swedish coast -
Blisteringly true.>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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by: Swedish coast -
In my book, if someone has showed fundamentally untrustworthy, they are not cut out for intimacy with you. Re-igniting sparks is probably fine with somebody whom you still trust and love, but have drifted away from emotionally. But with someone who’s lost all your respect? No.>>> on Forum topic - Respect and Intimacy
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