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by: honestly -
I’m so sorry to hear about your father; I should have paused to mention that first. That’s a terrible terrible loss, and one that compounds the inadequacy of your partner’s contribution to your family. My dad - who is in many ways a difficult man - would help with things around the house, and do stuff with my kids that my ex was ‘too busy’ for. Although it was not always an easy dynamic, I’m glad of that; it helped. I’m sad that you didn’t have it.>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: honestly -
That’s really moved me. I honestly don’t feel resilient at all; I feel about as resilient as a blancmange. The ex was here for a few days to be with the kids and I cleared off; I came home to a house in absolute chaos. Laundry draped over the furniture and damp in a basket on the table, no food in the house, dishes stacked by the dishwasher; no cleaning done at all. All this on Monday morning as my working week starts. I shouldn’t have, but I texted to tell him that this was unfair and to please at...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry your son has experienced these things from his father. It’s very relatable, your distress at not being able to act as male role model. It’s stressful to feel a constant lack of that functional father, and perhaps also extended family or network, and be afraid there will never be enough of anything. My father died young, there are no male role models around for my son either. Still, I think we as non-ADHD parents need to refuse responsibility for the ADHD parenting. It’s an...>>> on Forum topic - what about the kids…?
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by: libra2210 -
That is the challenge ; I can't work full time and leave my kid alone with this person. He will drive them nuts..no literally. He vacillates between punitive and negligent. He talks "at "us for hours; these "conversations"- my way or highway kind - leave us drained out mentally and it takes a while to get back to being yourself again. So we avoid him totally although it is hard with him being at home 24/7/365. In the beginning I thought I was the only one who felt this way but soon I see my kids...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: 1Melody1 -
This sounds like a very imbalanced relationship where you have been (at the very least) financially abused and used as a servant to facilitate his life. If you are already supporting yourself in this marriage, I can't see any benefit of staying with this person. In fact, depending on your laws, he may have to pay you regular support if you divorce. Stay safe of course. It might not hurt to consult with an attorney to understand your rights.>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: libra2210 -
Do you have kids; it gets more complicated. I know because, I have been going through a similar situation and raised two kids practically as a single mom- actually it gets difficult because the role expectations around the house work - cooking, cleaning, washing etc are based on our old traditional culture of my home country that the women is responsible for all the house work. In my case add school drop offs and pickups along with anything and everything a child would need growing up. My husband...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: libra2210 -
Do you have kids; it gets more complicated. I know because, I have been going through a similar situation and raised two kids practically as a single mom- actually it gets difficult because the role expectations around the house work - cooking, cleaning, washing etc are based on our old traditional culture of my home country that the women is responsible for all the house work. In my case add school drop offs and pickups along with anything and everything a child would need growing up. My husband...>>> on Forum topic - What do you do when you can't rely on your spouse?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is very well put. I sense you have a wealth of experience behind it. Everything you wrote applies to our marriage exactly, except one thing. He did show so much affection, and he was so intent on being emotionally supportive of me. For decades, and despite his severe dysfunction. If he hadn’t been, it would be a lot easier to move on to a new life.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: adhd32 -
Forgiveness is done for you by you. You accept that they are incapable of being the person you need. You stop wishing and hoping things were different and accept that they have extreme limitations. These limitations will forever prevent them from changing enough to meet your minimum expectations for a good partner. And that is okay, you are allowed to have standards for how you want to live and be treated. It is just that for whatever reason, they are incapable of changing their behavior and fight...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Kaththee -
We don't know enough about her situation to make those judgments. If she is counting on her children to take care of her through cancer, chances are they aren't in kindergarten and many situations could necessitate a cancer conversation. She could have had a few bad pap smears in a row. She might have been handed scary CAT scan. She might have a sister and/or mother with breast cancer. Recently I have had more than one discussion with my children about the possibility of my having cancer...>>> on Forum topic - Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
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by: c ur self -
Chaos is what I hear when reading your post...My now ex wife (just divorced after 17 years) was high level ADD...I would like to point out a few things, hopefully without offending you...(definitely not my intention)...Nothing I'm going to say here exonerates your husband from his role and responsibilities... One) nothing in the home will ever work correctly (and you two have a load of responsibilities) if the marriage isn't the first priority (each other)...It's never me and him...That is...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is a good thought, C. Forgiving the past doesn’t mean allowing things in the future. I’ll carry it with me.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: c ur self -
To truly seek forgiveness from someone is an honorable thing...But, it has nothing to do with the future, or any other event...When we feel we need to ask someone to forgive us, it's always about what has taken place in the past...If someone decides to ask for forgiveness, (over a year later) only seeking to create a an opportunity for self, (strings attached) well??...A good way to tell if it's sincere is to hear it, tell them thank you, and tell them you forgive them if it's in your heart to do so...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
To be honest, as non-ADHD, I often failed to perceive how hard my ADD ex worked. I was so caught up in my frustration about his symptoms. I felt so excruciatingly everything he didn’t do, how he let me down, how he isolated us, that his honest attempts to contribute passed me by unnoticed. I think this is a perception problem. Both you and your partner seem to struggle hard without rewards. I’ve lived this too. It’s demoralizing. Neither can validate the other or feel it’s fair. I’m...>>> on Forum topic - Am I the bad person?
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by: Swedish coast -
My ex wanted to help, but was often unable. However, he did one valuable thing, which was to support the idea of chores for the kids. We started it when the youngest was about seven, and it applied to all the children equally, starting at the same time. Their task was to do dishes and tidy up the kitchen, take trash out, after breakfast and lunch every day there was no school. They needed to each do a fair share. This worked so well, in fact it still holds five years later. It’s something...>>> on Forum topic - Keeping kids on track?
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by: Swedish coast -
That is so comforting. No more bending to his terms. I’m so grateful for your answer. Hope you’re well!>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's fine that he's in a place where he wants to apologize. But that doesn't mean that you have to be in that same place at the same time. Part of leaving him is never having to do things on his terms again. You get to decide whether to hear him out at all and if you do, you get to decide what you believe and how to move forward. Sending hugssss!>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
I will do as you suggest. I won’t accept his apology. It certainly is too early, and especially as he doesn’t understand the offense. I’ve been trying to point out his actions and what he’s said exactly. He doesn’t dwell on anything specific, but texts vaguely that he’s sorry he’s ’used harsh words’ and ’been quiet’. Sorry to be harsh here in my turn, but sometimes I feel he’s stupid. How can an highly educated adult not understand their actions make positions, that they are choosing a set...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Mrs. Lollygag -
I completely validate your feelings. I try using radical acceptance with my ADHD spouse which works, in my opinion, only for forgetfulness, undone chores, and the kind. I'm not going to accept his behavior when he's an emotional moody mess or when his communication is lacking and his brain thinks being mean and causing conflict is the answer. I walk. I hear you about the "happily married" and the damage you feel. I can not happily attend weddings, read love stories, or celebrate couples'...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you for your kind reply. Acceptance, radical acceptance, I rather thought was a way of coming to terms with something? I do understand you though, of course nobody should accept being treated badly. But there it is. There’s not much I can do. I don’t really know how to handle an apology, it seems he has a very vague picture of what he’s done. I may just feel provoked by a lame effort to excuse himself. I’m falling through the cracks of my own tiredness, looping thoughts...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness?
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