Recent Comments
- by: sickandtired - Using your 2 year lease as an excuse to stay is dangerous for your future. You can always move in with a female roommate and split the bills. He can also advertise for another roommate to help him pay his bills. He survived ok before he met you, and he will do so again. It’s very easy for him to just let you do everything for him because you are willing to do so. I’m curious what are the reasons for his divorce?...since you are close with his mom, maybe she might give you some clues. Also... how long...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: adhd32 - If you can't leave, move into the 2nd bedroom and live like roommates. Show him that you mean business. Stop worrying about what he thinks and do what's best for you!! Stop making excuses why things cannot be changed and work around what can be changed. What's his plan to pay bills once his savings is gone? Does he have one? What's your plan if he doesn't? Stop hoping things will change, have a plan for yourself and share it with him and tell him it isn't open for discussion. Unfortunately from your...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: adhd32 - Work with your therapist to set boundaries. Honestly, at 37 years old you are wasting your life and sacrificing your health while he happily lives as he pleases..in filth and hoarding with someone (you) cooking, cleaning, caring for HIS children. Not bad from his angle. What's he doing for you? What's in it for you? Can you live like this for the rest of you life? Medication is good but therapy and coaching are needed to address his poor coping and time management skills. You will never be able to do...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: sickandtired - I can totally relate to where you are now. I decided to leave a relationship that was very similar to yours. My ex boyfriend had just recently been in a previous relationship. He came on strong when he met me, wanted to move in quickly. Like a naive love struck fool, I let him move into my house. He quit his job 2 months later, and NEVER worked again during our relationship. He got more moody and critical of me as time went on. The only difference it seems is that your guy has kids and mine had dogs. The...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: LahLah - Thank you for the kind words and suggestion. I agree with your advice - to wait! - and thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry your marriage is, let's be honest, what I fear would happen to me and want to address NOW before we tie the knot! (And then just have to hope it doesn't go right back after we tie the knot!). You did not deserve the mental hardships you had to endure. No one does in any bad relationship. I hope you have been able to find much more happiness now. With the suggestion of ME moving out...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: LahLah - I agree, I've already thought, this can NOT be my LIFE now. This can NOT be how things will be from now on! I would likely go crazy and be depressed if it remained or got worse but I stayed. That's why I'm so glad he is seeking help, which seems a huge step in the right direction, esp compared to those who are diagnosed YEARS later or aren't as willing to seek treatment. He started the meds, and he needs to take actions. He needs to do MORE. A LOT more. Warning- TMI back story about ME and relationships...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: 1Melody1 - Honestly, I would not get in any deeper yet. Look back at how many times in your post you wrote, "he SAYS he'll xyz ..." And how often you followed it up with the fact that he's made no move to follow through. As it stands, you are taking care of everything, including HIS children. That should at least be a joint task with him taking the lead. You should be able to have people over. You deserve a clean space. You deserve promises kept. You deserve to foresee financial stability as a unit. He IS starting...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: Will It Get Better - How do you think you'll feel ten years from now if the dynamic you describe above does not improve? How about if the dynamic gets significantly worse? (that may not seem possible but, believe me, it can). You are accepting being relegated to being the 'Pit Crew' wherein all problems become yours to solely address regardless of who created them and, somehow, your 'wants and needs' are never recognized (nor achieved). It is not fair (and never will be) but it is real. If a friend related the above...>>> on Forum topic - New to This Site and an ADHD Relationship (engaged)
- by: sickandtired - Thanks and I wish you continued success in your learning and healing.>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: FinallyCrushing... - Sorry you had to go through that! I have RSD pretty bad too, but thankfully I never took it to that extreme. Now that I can recognize when it's happening, I can talk myself down in my head. My wife can see it on my face, but I think most other people don't notice it because I don't let it become a thing. My emotional dysregulation is even more extreme than my RSD. The feelings are so so intense, but now that I'm aware of it, I can just try to breathe deep a few times and let it pass. Hopefully your ex...>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: sickandtired - My ex boyfriend thought he could “read people” too. He was often very off base in his perceptions. For example, if I received a compliment, he somehow saw that as an insult to him, like everyone who might compliment me was really attempting to get a “jab” in on him. It all revolved around his narrow focus on himself and perceived slights from others. One time I introduced him to a very dear friend who was like a brother to me. As he hugged me hello, he looked behind me and made eye contact with my ex. My...>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: Eighpryl_AB - Thank you for the suggestion. I've read several articles on RSD now, and I can certainly see a little of that with him. He is very, very sensitive to anything anyone says to/about him that he perceives as negative or critical. He'll get all upset, can't understand why people are so mean and critical of him, and a lot of times it doesn't sound to me like it meant anything. But he claims he can read people better than I can, so who knows? Never says or does anything to the person it comes from, but he...>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: Eighpryl_AB - I'm so sorry you're in this, too. He doesn't really seem to listen to/understand(?) my concerns or suggestions... tho he will tell other people that I taught him this or that (behavior wise), or he'll suddenly recognize that I've been telling him the same thing forever that someone else just told him. Maybe, like your wife, it's not so much that he doesn't actually listen to me as that it doesn't stick or click unless someone besides me says it. Unfortunately we don't really know anyone with ADHD... or...>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: FinallyCrushing... - You put it so beautifully. I tried to reply saying something similar below before reading your comment, and realize that you explained what I was trying to say much more succinctly. :)>>> on Forum topic - What to expect from medication
- by: FinallyCrushing... - Hi GAD, Wellbutrin didn't really help me much. I think I have something about reuptake inhibitors in general. Strattera was also not effective. That just made my stomach hurt about 30 minutes after taking it. Stimulant medications REALLY help me. Ritalin worked well but only for like 30 minutes so that was a no go. I ended up landing on Adderall and it has been working fantastically. I guess my point is that when you find the right medication (and are able to notice and be proactive about feelings to...>>> on Forum topic - What to expect from medication
- by: Will It Get Better - I think you should research Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) as the ADHD symptom wherein the ADHDer perceives your comments as criticisms and reacts in a verbally abusive manner. It is commonly described on this forum and it is one of the most dispiriting aspects of ADHD.>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: Jorund - Oh man you described exactly how I feel right now with my ADHD wife. And its only been 7 years. The feelings of just being over it, and being the buffer for your children (I have two and its not fair how she interacts with them much of the time). I feel for ya. Honestly, my wife is always resistive to anything I have to say (I am also the introverted, steady etc one). As luck would have it, we have a friend who is a psychiatrist who told her that she likely has ADHD. That spurred her to try and get...>>> on Forum topic - So now what?
- by: adhd32 - I think you are on the right track. As you say, if things don't work out in the end you have made every effort. Go together and give it a firm deadline so you aren't strung along with promises to change that don't materialize. Let him know this is it, the end of your herculean effort to save the marriage, and allow him to decide if wants to commit to putting in the effort. Prepare yourself to follow through. You seem realistic about the likely outcome and are probably ready to face whatever may be. ...>>> on Forum topic - Hello and help... Non ADHD Partner.. I am SO tired
- by: mutedsonos - In my experience I took my husband a while to find the right medication and has changed the type he takes about 4 times over the last 4 years. Everyone reacts differently to the various types that can be prescribed. It can be turbulent..! It might be worth keeping a private diary (i used a note on my iPhone which can be password protected) to keep notes on your experience on his behaviour and reaction to the medication. I used to refer to these when he asked me for feedback on how he was getting on......>>> on Forum topic - What to expect from medication
- by: mutedsonos - I have not read the book either (yet) and unsure, if like you i want to read something that tells me how i should change to accommodate the ADHD behaviour. But happy to be proved wrong and I do appreciate there needs to be a level of compromise to live with an ADHD spouse - for example I try not to let the little things bother/wind me up. Somethings are not worth an argument such as forgetting to close drawers, not doing household chores we are meant to share etc. Would be useful to know how long have you...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD effect on Marriage