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by: Joining4858 -
I like the point of needing less and enjoy simple things. It reminds me of slowing down and trying to perceive things without bias.>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: Joining4858 -
The more I get into the book Supercommunicators, the more I feel it's something that I need to work on or I can be wise about>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: Swedish coast -
Any initiative from the ADHD partner to address relationship unhappiness would make me hopeful! Sorry you’re struggling, but it sounds like both you and your wife are working on communication and that’s the key, I think.>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: J -
Control, overcompensating, "supercomunicating", and maybe deep connection. Control seems to come from many sources, and much of it is unconscious. I know this for sure, which means to be aware you're being controlling is not an easy task. Overcompensating is what people with ADHD do. I'd be surprised to find anyone with ADHD and NOT overcompensate on some level. "Supercomunicating " from your suggested book ( at a glance ) is understanding and knowing the difference between...>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: J -
Hi Joining4858, After reading through what you said, I found I'm confused about the details, but more clear on the bigger picture. And I also feel frustrated just trying to sort it all out. "I've been trying to survive her ADHDness and slightly abusive behavior, " The slightly abusive behavior I can understand from my own experience: a short list of specific behaviors that are generally negative and hard to live with. Those can be worked on and modified with some effort. But what's...>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: Joining4858 -
Hey, thank you for responding. I think you pretty much nailed it on the head. We did go to therapy yesterday, and we discussed things that felt reassuring. So (in her view) when I would "control" her, it was essentially me telling her she's doing too much to fix the relationship. This was confusing for her, because it was previously established that she's not doing enough. Long story short, she would often forget me and leave me behind. In these moments, I would be confused too...>>> on Forum topic - Trying to improve, but hard
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by: J -
"The measure of a man is what he does with power." — Plato. "Plato emphasizes that true character is revealed when a person holds power. Power can corrupt, but those who use it for good demonstrate integrity and virtue." This is the difference that I know is true. These words have nothing to do with ADHD or any other disorder. When I know I've followed them, I know intrinsically, that I've made the right choice. It's a feeling. That's how I know. J>>> on Forum topic - The end goal
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by: N4ally2 -
Back when I didn't really understand how ADHD is affecting our marriage, I used to question why my ADHD partner wouldn't speak up and why I always second guess myself if I should or should not say something to my partner because I was afraid of how he would take it. It wasn't until we learnt to communicate with each other, I finally realized by my partner didn't speak up in the past. It wasn't because he didn't want to communicate, it was because he didn't have the confidence to communicate. He was...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: honestly -
and totally inappropriate - disappearing for a fortnight without a word! To me it sounds like a raging case of RSD on his part. My ex has this too - taking offence at any tiny thing and making the other person - who is in fact behaving perfectly reasonably - responsible for his extreme feelings. He has done this to me over decades, eroding my mental health, self image and sense of reality. I have just come to realise he’s had a similar effect on our son. Please bear in mind that this behaviour...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
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by: honestly -
re your husband saying he knew about the ADHD effect on marriage: when I was still trying to fix things with my ADHDer husband, I encouraged him to find out more about the general effect of ADHD on partners, and how closely they echoed my own. I wanted to prove to him that I personally am not especially bad at coping with ADHD; which is what his thesis was. I suggested reading posts on this forum to see the parallels. He said ‘I understand your feelings’ and therefore, it seems, did not need...>>> on Forum topic - Is this the end of a marriage?
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by: Swedish coast -
J, I’m sorry this is happening. I know you live far from those closest to you, so she’s really on her home turf while you’re not. It looks to me like an uneven dynamic, you living at her place and often feeling pushed away. In her shoes, I’d recognize it would be more fair to get a new home for the two of you. But even if that’s not on the table, she’d be decent to help with the planning so needs are met. It shouldn’t all be about you leaving home, backing off when feeling unwanted. She could...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: J -
with my SO this morning. This could also be a snapshot of what others face under the same circumstances including yourself. "My ADD ex seems highly irrational and also secretive about his thoughts..... I think more rational and verbal people are easier to be with." Starting here, I have a few things to say. These are my own thoughts about my particular situation and the person I'm with, but, there are some universal similarities that I can't not see. I'll start with the conversation...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: Swedish coast -
Walking with a friend was my best coping strategy. Most nights, when children had been put to bed, for an hour or more. Starting a time-consuming hobby away from the house but including child, was another. Actually, keeping away from home. It saved me.>>> on Forum topic - The loneliness
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by: Swedish coast -
Thanks J for your thoughts. When reding your text I’m reminded of the difficulty of finding logic and reason in a relationship over time. Time together with a loved one is so fleeting and hard to describe, isn’t it? One reacts to a partner’s frowns or quick breathing. One remembers a previous conflict in a similar situation. On deducts, tries to paste together thousands of moments and reactions, to understand where one stands, where one’s partner stands. One is surprised by events that seem...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: J -
"While resilience focuses on "bouncing back" from adversity, emotional elasticity focuses on how emotions change and adapt in the face of ongoing challenges." Swedish, I've given your post some thought, especially a few things that you said as I am trying to understand this topic too for my own reasons. "One’s supposed to make one’s own ( boundaries) and enforce them. When codependent, one has let things get out of hand, which makes for unhealthy compromises." I'm focusing on the "...>>> on Forum topic - ADD inability of communicating boundaries
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by: RyanSH -
Thank you for that feedback. I am at the start of this process and it all feels very overwhelming. I am exhausted keeping our whole life together and trying to be a good mother to our 3 year old son. I have some hope but not sure how to for how long.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: Swedish coast -
If the ADHD partner can perceive the issues and act on them, there’s hope. As a non-ADHD partner, however, I found nothing I did mattered.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: 1Melody1 -
For me, it never did improve. I tried really hard for a long time though (married 20 years - the latter half was when things went downhill). The last thing I wanted was a divorce. Though I will say things improved for all of us (including our daughter) with the split and it was the right decision. I think the thing that makes the difference is whether or not the partner with ADHD can see the issues clearly and if they're taking concrete actions to improve things with you. The non-ADHD partner can't...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: RyanSH -
I wanted to find some hope that my marriage could get better. Was your experience that it never did and the best thing for you and your family was to leave? I keep wondering the same thing.>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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by: 1Melody1 -
You're a rational person so the solution you want is the one that makes sense. One partner's condition/behaviour is causing utter chaos for the family so that partner needs to make some changes, with support, to ensure that everyone can thrive in the relationship. It took me a decade to see that the rational solution was never going to happen. No matter what words I said or how I said them or how much my physical and mental health declined or how much our daughter desperately cried for him to...>>> on Forum topic - Next steps
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