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by: J -
What you're experiencing exactly ? I know for myself, it's just frustrating when people aren't open. It feels like they are keeling secrets but I know that's not really it. I think trust has something to do with it ( in general ) and possibly being introverted as another component. I know my SO says she doesn't always understand me when I communicate, and I, in turn, don't always understand her ? I mean literally, don't understand the words she uses to express herself. I'm going off of the...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
That’s it J. It’s a social cue they don’t master.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
This sounds really familiar, J. Some of the vocabulary you’re using isn’t known to me. However I think what the relatives might express by their blankness is what I’m saying isn’t relatable to them. It means nothing, and they are uncurious of it, and let it go. Perhaps they’re sometimes offended by it, or reminded of something painful so don’t want to listen. Or, at other times, they don’t need me to dwell on something since it’s very familiar to them, so they’re bored by what I’m saying. But instead...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
Here's something you might think about. One advantage I have, is working side by side with a woman who has ADHD. Not only that, my other male coworker says his father is on the spectrum ( high functioning ) and he thinks he even might be himself. This presents some challenges for me in working as a team together ( for me )...as nighther are what I'd call team players. Especially the woman with ADHD. In respect to you, I'm not in a romantic relationship with either of these people, but I am...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
Divorced a severe ADD partner. I spent decades on my toes, lifesaving our marriage at every crisis. I waited for him to do the same until there was no longer a relationship to save. Now the marriage has ended painfully and he does nothing to patch things up so our children can have parents at peace with each other. Waiting for ADHD action might be infinite as far as I know. I’m sorry but C is probably right: you have little influence over this.>>> on Forum topic - At a loss for words
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by: Swedish coast -
Unlike me, the relatives in question basically don’t do caring. It seems not to be in their repertoire. I doubt any act of helplessness would make them intervene to help. But it would possibly help if I could voice my hard feelings softer and more likeably. It’s hard because I always feel insulted by their indifference.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
Swedish, it appears you and I are both searching for the same answers at times. Asking the same questions. I definitely do not have all the answers, but in my own investigation, I believe I have some of them. This is difficult to articulate a distilled version of what I'm thinking. Much of this is of my own creation ( or contructing a model ) but here goes. In my own words. I believe, that there's a God, and what ever God truly is, created all animals with an instinct to survive and...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
C, that’s a good observation. I’m sorry your daughters have withdrawn. Unlike my relatives I actually draw nearer to friends who have a crisis. And I know a bereaved person needs to feel their lost loved one is always a welcome topic. A friend of mine lost her 18 year old son who died unexpectedly in his sleep. We always mention him. My cousin lost her baby daughter. We always mention her. Silent avoidance of others’ pain is hurtful. In the middle of my divorce I spent a weekend with one...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: c ur self -
Hope he is well... I've witnessed this behavior so often (high level add wife) and read her for 11 years, so I guess I'm a little numb to the disappearing acts...But the reality of it is, either way, there is nothing you can do about it...Often times certain mind types who do this, will show back up like nothing is wrong...And think we (the abandoned partner) the person left concerned and wondering should be fine...It's just the product of minds that live in a "it's all about me state." I've...>>> on Forum topic - At a loss for words
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by: c ur self -
When we have major life changes, it can't help but effect how, and what, we communicate about with family and friends...A lot of our commonality and conversations center around the simple fact of our day to day lives as it pertains to the circumstance's of our life (children, spouses, jobs, activities etc.)...So simple uneasiness can easily happen...Death and Divorce are major circumstance changers as you know...So the drawing away by you, and then them, probably is normal in many families...My...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
J, that is useful. I think what I see my relatives do is zone out, often, in conversations, not only with me. Very possibly unconsciously. They aren’t frowning. It’s rather a vacant stare. I don’t know if they just want to shut me up when they offer no validation to playful attempts at light conversation, but it seems they would be more successful with that if they spoke up themselves. They are often quiet and appear brooding. They have a certain serious tone of voice at all times. ...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I've thought about this even more, and have even more to add connecting this to attachment theory.... For now, I wanted to say this is completely subconscious. The thing that triggers it, is not necessarily even related to my story or example I gave. In fact, it may not even have anything to do with the things you're doing Swedish. Most likely, it has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did which is why it makes no sense. And no, you aren't going crazy.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: h1222324 -
Hello. I'm going through the same situation with my husband. It seems like I'm making things worse by telling him how I feel when he ogles other women. Only because now it's to the point where we can't go anywhere and I'm the one keeping my eyes closed or heAd down when an attractive person passes by him. I do this so I can't see him stare at her and so I won't continue to lower myself esteem as he says I'm doing this to myself because he feels he is not doing these things. I try to be open minded...>>> on Forum topic - Too aware of other women
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by: J -
My mom ( pretty sure ) had ADHD and possibly other issues along with it when applying it to my example.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I also realized something I still do, that might help to not take it this personally. For me, it's a subconscious response to something that use to happen in the past ( with my mother ) which was a boundary issue. This isn't because of my ADHD inability to concentrate, hyperfocus or distraction. This is ( was ) literally, trying to push the "off button" on the remote, to try and stop the conversation. And before I say anything....yes, this is very rude to experience. I had to look...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
J, that’s interesting too! My personal desire has never been for structure. I used to be a bohemian person, taking things very casually, always late, slightly depreciative towards orderly people, until I was forced into structure by surroundings and responsibilities. What I think would be decent of my relatives would be to either provide some structure to our time together, or some caring flexibility when lack of structure hurts me. The children and I can’t be expected to wait...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
C, are you suggesting the relatives are distancing themselves from me because they judge me? Or think my divorce or new circumstances are my fault? Or that I’m judging them? I know they too are having hard times in their lives. They’ve stopped confiding in me, and have withdrawn somewhat, since Ive previously withdrawn from them (it was very difficult to have nice family get-togethers with them the last few years of my marriage since I had to do all the work while was exhausted and...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
and I have a lot to say on this subject. As usual, I don't know any other way to say it except in story form so please bear with me. This topic of discussion came up in therapy yesterday, as I was asking why I don't necessarily fit in with everyone who has ADHD. The answer, I've heard before, but I gained a few more insights that made this all click. Hopefully, understanding will help with your frustration, as I understand myself even better now. I can share my revelation ( about mysel ) which...>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: J -
I'll tie this into your last comment. I think I can help you understand.>>> on Forum topic - On their terms
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by: Swedish coast -
Relieved she signed it. I hope you enjoyed your trip with friends and can look forward to spring and summer on your own terms. Thanks for replying.>>> on Forum topic - Shame
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