Recent forum posts (all topics)

Hi Forumites,

Hi Everyone,

I'm back with a real issue that I just don'y know what to do about.  Even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the time nor am I looking for one...I still regard my family as a relationship and I've been carrying this around for too long now and need to let it go.

I have had a long standing issue secondary to my ADHD which I have literally no clue how to solve.  Often (far more often than I am aware of, apparently, according to my husband) he tells me that when he brings up a concern to me, my "default mode" is to immediately bring up how that issue or his proposed solutions will affect ME.  :( Ugh.  He is right, but I do not know how to stop this.

After two years of joblessness, my husband finally found something, so I quit one of my two jobs and had the opportunity to turn the other into my own business.  Then he lost his job again six months ago.  I've been hesitant to fully commit to the business because I kind of feel like I should quit and get a full-time job since I can't rely on my husband.

"Broadly speaking, working on important things typically requires having good skills for tolerating uncomfortable emotions." This is from an article about work that I just read.  It makes me think of my ex, who strenuously avoids uncomfortable emotions.  Some important things he didn't work on because of avoiding emotions included looking for jobs, talking about financial issues, and engaging in therapy for ADHD and other mental disorders. 

As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."

This is on my mind today....or something like it.  I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?  

Discussing how our problems are not real because they are not their problems, I was reminded of the old joke about the inexperienced teenagers trying anal sex for the first time:

The girl starts shouting, "Ow!  Stop!  It hurts!"

The guy replies, "It doesn't hurt!  It feels great!"

My fears of the combined stress of my wife and kids spending more time with each other over summer break and a visit by my wife's biological mother leading to explosions proved correct.

For those who have been married to an ADHD spouse with anger management issues, do those warm, fuzzy, loving feelings once felt ever return if they disappear??  H is a really good guy, and I mean that.  Not a narcissist.  Not manipulative.  Attentive and loving (when in a good mood).  Just not doing enough to prevent angry outbursts when he is triggered.  After being diagnosed last year, he is FINALLY going to a different psychiatrist tomorrow to try different meds.  I also believe he needs therapy.  And he says he will do anything to fix this.

[Author’s Note: Melissa Orlov describes an ADHD symptom/response/response dynamic that can work to disrupt marriages.  I give the following story as a possible illustration.  We knew nothing about ADHD until one of my sons and then my wife were diagnosed three years ago.]