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hello all

i have been reading here for a while, learning a lot from all of you - but now i need some help and possibly a kick in the pants!

My husband, who has ADHD (and other things), was a pretty good dad when our daughters were little.  He played with them.  I don't know if it's a coincidence, but he started to withdraw from me and the marriage and family responsibilities when our daughters were in middle school, a time in life when children often struggle with social and emotional issues.  I was the only parent dealing with most of the problems that arose.  I had and continue to have a good relationship with my daughters, now young adults.  We're friends but I'm definitely their mom.

I have an issue.  I've been invited to an impromptu dinner this evening with some friends from my church group.  I would like to go.  DH does not have plans, and I hate that I have to "ask permission" to do something like this.  Now thinking this through, I know that an ADHD mind may see this as a problem because it deviates from the normal schedule.  Also, I know that my husband will translate it into something like "she would rather be with these people than with me" or sometimes "is she up to no good?".  In reality, I haven't seen this group of friends since the last retreat we did toget

I had been using this site to express anger and vent believing that I needed a place to rid myself of my frustrations and hurt.  A test* was done by psychiatrists who studied if venting is helpful in this way.  They found that venting and sharing venting makes the anger increase, not subside.  Hmmmmm....so they say Frued was wrong.  

We are 5 months into our marriage. We were together for 2 1/2 years before the wedding. He told me about his ADD upfront. I wrote it off, not understanding it at the time, or the immeasurable impact that it would have on our lives together. Although he knew that he had ADD, he was not doing anything to manage it. This contributed to his overdrinking on a regular basis. During the course of dealing with that nightmare, our relationship nearly fell apart and I finally started reading about ADD and realized that he was self medicating with alcohol.

     The hardest thing now, with my adhd husband, is never being able to talk about myself in any way, shape or form. I can't tell him how I feel about something, (ANYTHING), or any opinions, or even maybe something silly. I have to keep EVERYTHING to myself and only talk about him and what HE  wants to talk about. When I DO get to jump in a conversation, he listens for about 30 seconds before turning the conversation back to himself.

I'm wondering if anyone has advice on helping a (suspected) ADHD spouse pay attention to/understand the financial "big picture" in a relationship. For most of our 2 1/2-year marriage, I have been the sole breadwinner, bill payer, and overall tracker of our finances. I have struggled to get my husband to show any interest in how much money we have each month vs. how much we spend.

I don't know if this has been done in other threads, and I don't have time to go find out. Along the lines of Ned Hollowell's great article — in which he tries to explain what it's like to have ADD/ADHD — I thought it'd be interesting to hear how other folks explain their experiences with ADD/ADHD. So finish one of the two statements below:

1.) Having ADD/ADHD is like ...

2.) Living with an ADD/ADHD person is like ...

Fingers crossed.

Ok, here we go.  Grab some popcorn or other snack item...

THIS FIRST PART IS OUR HISTORY ACCORDING TO ME...YOU CAN SKIP TO OUR CURRENT STATE OF AFFAIRS...