Recent forum posts (all topics)

I am working hard at stopping the blame game and to stop being frustrated because of what other people do.  I am learning that for me to have self esteem, I get to trust my feelings and thoughts and to honor them.  I don't have to be held hostage by someone else's opinion of me or their thoughts or feelings. I am working hard at not feeling guilty for other people.  I do respect those who know what they want and honor themselves more than a wishy-washy indecisive coward....which is what I was turning in to. I am going to like myself again.

Today was one of those "this is THE day" days.  My ADHD spouse thinks our relationship is bent.  I think it is broken.  Our 29th anniversary last Sunday was only a date on the calendar.  For me - enough.

I drew up a list of 11 things "I" need to show our marriage is moving into a positive direction.  Some are negotiable - some are not.  He always says he is improving - I just can't see it.  I see him trying hard - but not in the areas that will improve our marriage.  

A few of the nonnegotiable are:

Hello,

My husband provides care for his aging parents.  They are quite dependent on him.  My father-in-law is, admittedly, bossy and hard to get along with.  My husband said yesterday that his father has expressed fear of my husband leaving, and my husband said he had actually told his sister that he would walk out if his dad gets too bossy. 

This morning, I'm wondering if my husband bragged to anyone when he withdrew from me and stopped providing me with emotional and financial support. I feel bereft.

I thought I was working on my marriage.  I am starting to think I am totally co-dependent - or a total idiot.  Or a co-dependent idiot.  

I am just sitting on my pity-pot for a bit.

I've been in this marriage for 29 years.

I really want it to work.

I stopped the Mother/Child relationship.

I focused on me - being happy, going to school, enjoying my friends, scrapbooking, visiting my family.  

I quit mentioning anything - his chore that doesn't get done.  His lateness.  His junk.  

My wife told me three weeks ago in therapy she wants a separation. I was shocked as earlier at dinner she was planning out Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephews we would be visiting this Christmas.

I'm really not going to choke him.  kidding.  Here's the deal: as is for many of you my faith means everything to me.  I am SOOOOOOOOO struggling how to respect my husband as is God's command when his ADHD drives me crazy.  I feel like life is just easier if I let him do what he wants but I so disagree with him at times.  Example: got ourselves into huge credit card debt and I took on a second job to pay it off.  Instead of helping me he in turn has tried to get more credit and loans.

I'm new to this site, but it has been sooo very resourceful for me. I've been married to my ADD Spouse for almost 20 years. He is a good father and for the most part tries to be a good husband. He is considerate, giving and he doesn't really have a selfish bone in his body. He does however have ADD and was diagnosed over 10 years ago. He has all the classic symptoms, but inconsistency, forgetfulness and procrastination are the BIGGEST.

Examples of ADD/ADHD behaviors that show that someone is ABLE TO LOVE AND PUT SOME EFFORT toward connection and partnership:

1. He has set up multiple systems for remembering things so that he is taking some responsibility for what he knows he doesn't automatically think of and do.  ie: Time spent working up a budget between income and monthly bills that he MAKES HIMSELF reminding himself daily/weekly.  Then pays the bills and discusses finances with you. He has a work list with priorities attached and DOES the #1 thing on that list.

I kind of hijacked another topic so I decided to create my own.  

I know that we can affect other people's feelings.  But I do think that each of us has the responsibility for our own feelings, including working to change our behaviors and reactions when our responses to things aren't productive.