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Help I have a one year old daughter and an ex partner who suffers with undiagnosed ADHD. He is creating chaos around my parenting experience. He fails to communicate clearly, misses arranged visits with no notice I only find out when he is late an text to ask where he is to be met with the response that he wasn't supposed to come that day. He is oppositional prone to violent and aggressive outbreaks and has been threatening me and bullying me continuously.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He pursued me as he liked a lot of my beliefs, morals and relationship values. We have a very good base.

After 6 months he insisted we move in together as it would be difficult to spend time together as I am going through a 2 year job transition which requires me to work evenings along with studying and we both have children.

I've been married to my husband for 17 years. I realized some time after our youngest was diagnosed with adhd that my husband my have it too. So after much research he agreed that it was possible and got the official diagnosis. This was about 5 years ago or so, when he was in his late 40's. I lose track anymore. I am 9 years younger. At first, things went well. We read and talked and I did whatever I could to help him. At the same time, things slowly started to deteriorate. He has become so closed off from me. By that I mean, when I walk into the room, he doesn't see me.

I'm 36 and I've displayed symptoms of ADHD my entire life.  I was officially diagnosed in college... I didn't pursue any treatment, however.  Here's the thing--  due to my intelligence and creativity, my parents and teachers always had an incredibly high evaluation of my potential....  by which I always felt oppressed.  So when I hit 19 or so, I rejected my perceived potential and sought happiness through a "live for today" mentality.

As a result of my request, urging, pleading and tears in therapy, my husband has finally agreed to an ADHD evaluation. We called a very reputable psychologist in our area who conducts a 2 hour interview as part of the assessment.  The doctor would like for the spouse (me) to be present to be able to provide more information which will lead to a more accurate diagnosis. Originally, my husband was against me being part of the eval, but after further explanation from me has realized that my input could be beneficial.

I recently had a moment of insight into the ADHD brain:

Per the suggestion of our counselor, I gave my 13-year-old ADHD son a check-list for school preparation and nighttime tasks. He HATED it, argued, thrashed, moaned, etc.

Later, when debriefing the incident with my ADHD husband, he said that if I had given him such a list, he would feel "attacked." He would feel that I didn't trust him to be responsible. Also, just looking at the list would make him feel like a failure b/c it would show him everything he hadn't accomplished.  

For those of you who struggle with constant arguments that seem to be getting nowhere, I highly recommend this course currently available on Coursera. It is extrememly information with great resources and goes along with much of the content I have been reading in various ADHD and cognitive behavioral workbooks I have been studying and using.

I've been on Ritalin in one form or another since I was 5. Been diagnosed and rediagnosed several times in 40 years. Been to psychiatrists, therapists and counselors. Learned new and better ways to live life and compensate for weaknesses, enough to keep a job longer than 6 months. Got married, had kids, saw more counselors, learned new skills, got better at being a husband and father. BUT I feel like I've hit a wall.

I feel like the kind of love I give and need is a different kind of love dh gives and expects. 

His: R.E.S.P.E.C.T on demand, lust, sparring, games of one-up-man-ship, dirty talk, smooth talk, joking, volleying for position, getting attention by being bad, holding tight to boundaries out of fear believing that withholding is dignity, keeping dignity by withholding, being sexy. ALL FOR THE SHORT TERM.  

dog  verb  1.  follow (someone or their movements) closely and persistently.

I am going to stop being a loyal dog.  I have not been loved but rather I have been ignored and taken for granted. I treated our dog better than dh treats me.

I am going to stop being afraid of being selfish. How can I expect anyone to love or respect me if I don't love and respect myself?