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So, in separating from my estranged spouse with untreated ADHD (we are living in the same house but hashing out a separation agreement with an agreement for one of us to be moving by 1/1): 

How much do I just let go, and let him do things or say things that may affect my children badly, and when should I intervene or explain to others my perception of the circumstances? What is the line between badmouthing my ex and explaining the truth? 

Last night, my husband and I managed to have a deep discussion about the state of our relationship.  Mostly it was me saying that he has to find a way to not be irritable and sometimes downright mean to me all the time.  He also has to get back into therapy and find ways to control his temper and outbursts over even the smallest frustrations. 

While I was talking, it occurred to me:  my husband has NEVER had much respect for me.  The more we talked and I started to think back over the years, the more I thought about all of the things he has done and said to me.  A few examples: 

I'm new to this forum but after doing a lot of reading about adult ADHD (and reading post after post on this forum), I am questioning the efficacy of the medication that my boyfriend is taking. I'm certainly NOT a psychiatrist, so I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but here is a little background:

For example, I (the one with ADD) put up hampers behind each bathroom door to prevent the pile up.  Little things that make a big difference, any other suggestions?

As background, my husband is frustrated, understandably, but I feel like I have made such huge strides and don't get feedback on the things I have done around the house that (to me) make a big difference.  I'd love to implement more changes.

 

Chore lists? Shared calendars? 

Sometimes I literally feel like I am living with a crazy person who has no concept of interpersonal ethics or consideration.

Here is an example that happened today:

So my husband got the full battery of tests a couple of weeks ago.  He does have ADHD.  His most pronounced deficit was in processing speed.  I can definitely see that.

I did a little internet research on slow processing speed and medication.  I got from various anecdotes that the stimulant medications don't seem to work very well for that, and one thing that

*does* work is Provigil (aka Modafinil), which is not one of the standard ADHD meds. 

I have a very ADHD spouse of 13 years who was diagnosed 5 years ago and is extremely successful despite a lifetime of family and social discouragement. He is a funny, smart (gifted), supportive, driven, creative, and a reflective person. He is an ENTP and I am an INFJ and by and large we complement each other and have similar values. Since his diagnoses and sessions with his therapist he has taken a lot better control of his life and has created clearer rules about how people can treat him, to the extent that if we get into a full blown argument he makes it clear that I can leave anytime.

I am a 27 year old, college educated and my spouse is 31 and the same for him. He has ADHD. This is not the first time that I have been to this site. I visited before while we were in pre-marital counseling and our therapist tried to help me understand our issues stemed from having an ADHD related relationship. I learned well before that my DH could not handle too much at once, so I methodically gave him minor things to do, i.e.: the wedding planning. Passed with flying colors and I often gave him praises for his achievements.

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months, we're turning 9 in a couple of weeks. At the start of our relationship he was different in a bad way, he used to flirt with other women in front of me, call them love, or say something like "this is my girlfriend", talking about the other girl. I was new to it, so i just smiled and pretend i was okay with it. He always did the same stuff, over and over again, even though i told him it hurt me.

Wow, for those of you who have just a little nagging feeling that your manipulative, conning, lying DH isn't just manifesting symptoms of ADHD, I found a great site you might want to explore: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

Here's a little snippet from it:

Your emotional and physical ‘Independence Day’ is the beginning of recovery.  It’s the day that you ‘come to’ and say: