Recent Comments

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 2 weeks ago
    I appreciate your words. I too have thought that maybe time away would be helpful, but due to work and family obligations that is not an option right now. We do have an appointment with the counselor next week (virtually) so it will be interesting to see how that proceeds.  I am determined to no longer put his needs above mine. It was a bit funny the other day when he took something I said out of context, but then he began to do more around the house without being asked as he wished to show me his...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I understand the pain of the LOVE...:)....(she loves me as much as she is capable of, I think) I'm crazy about my wife, and I live w/ ton's of boundaries just so we can abide in the same space, as peaceful as possible....I just know if I had it to do over, I wouldn't do it....I would make her my friend, and sister, but, I would never put my hands on her, or enter a relationship, or marriage....Her life works great as a single person, but, her mind doesn't work well as a wife..... I want go on, I think you...
    >>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless

  • by: davinci89 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    c ur self,  I have read many of your posts  you responded on my comments re: a bracelet) and wanted to take the time to say thank you. You have great insight and have obviously lived quite a journey. I appreciate the advice of getting out before the rest of your life is over and you can't get it back.  The hard part is the love and when he's good we have so much fun together.  My partner isn't a bad person, he has a mixed up brain. Leaving someone you love, that is deserved of love, as well, is just so...
    >>> on Forum topic - Feeling hopeless

  • by: davinci89 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi Neuchatel81, Your posts makes me want to hug you. I have learned a lot from what you have shared. My partner like yours, doesn't want to admit to ADHD because he's a man's man and real men don't have chinks in the armor and so therefore medications are also for weaklings, making it so very challenging. My partner is 55 and the hardest part I have found is the rejection sensitivity and how explosive and cruel he becomes in an instant. In fact, it happened just last night, every couple weeks he ends up...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: davinci89 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I go through periods of wanting to "fix it" but maybe in a different definition than most would apply it.  "Fix it" to me is taking the time to better understand the situation, how it started, progressed and resulted and learning about the ADHD pattern so I may avoid it again. That is a "fix" for me rather than acting differently or trying to change his behavior overtly. I figure if I can learn more about the pattern, the more I can head the bad stuff off at the pass.  However, I must say, I get caught up...
    >>> on Forum topic - Looking for a success story

  • by: davinci89 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    You are another great example of a thoughtful, loving gift giver. I am sorry your gift was received the way it was and it has now led to your current situation.  I find myself wondering if anything I ever do is good enough, as well. Like you, I am a giver, and he is a taker. It means something to me to make others happy, especially those I love and while I don't have any expectation of such gifts in return, I guess I always wanted to know it was appreciated, and I don't know how to let that go.  I need...
    >>> on Forum topic - Companion or Caregiver?

  • by: davinci89 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi C, It sounds as if you have the inverse problem I have experienced, and what a different perspective for me to take in. Equally as hurtful, either way.  I was hoping for nothing more than a simple "Happy Birthday" from my ADHD partner; a gift would have sent me over the moon. I find myself at times struggling to buy him gifts for the same reason you have shared, but he doesn't seem to notice. It's hard to understand if the emotional ties simply are not there or if their brain doesn't connect the dots...
    >>> on Forum topic - Companion or Caregiver?

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    The problem was your selfishness...."YOU" turned the channel, because "YOU" had seen the movie, "YOU" ruined the movie for her, (telling her all about the movie) because heaven forbid "YOU" waste your life, setting through it again, just so your precious wife could enjoy it...Who could expect "YOU" to find peace and contentment just being by her side....Since, "YOU" are the only one that matters.... This will do one of two things....It will make you mad, (because like we've already identified, your the...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD and Processing, Part 1: Difficulty Answering Questions Quickly and Directly

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I've been through this...So many times, (most all the time) we look for reasons that make sense to us...We look for a place, other than our loved one, to direct our disappointment, anger, blame, and suffering on...We grow up doing it with our friends and siblings, we do it with our children, and we will do it with our spouses....It's natural..... But in reality our behaviors (choices) are just the product of who we are....Most of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in this life are just as much a...
    >>> on Forum topic - Infidelity and ADHD

  • by: MarkNC - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Yesterday I had a good day with my spouse.  Everything was great until 10pm. We were watching tv and there was a show on I had seen before and so I changed channels without asking her,  she asked "Why  did you change the channel ?" I then told her all about the show and what was coming up her: "I wanted to watch that, not have you tell me!"   (she was now raising her voice which always triggers me to raise mine) me: "I was just telling you what you asked"  her: "That's not what I asked!" me: "You...
    >>> on Forum topic - ADHD and Processing, Part 1: Difficulty Answering Questions Quickly and Directly

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    You are so very right that something different is required. I feel as if because my husband has been fairly successful professionally that he feels as if he should be able to handle it all on his own and does not see the need to seek help. He has always been less than willing to go to counseling, and we have had the same discussions over and over about follow through and communication. It appears that since he never "intends" to ignore me or do something different from what we both mutually agreed to that...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I understand what you are saying as I am certain that is how my husband feels as well. I have trouble understanding though how he tries the same methods to improve each time with no success, and then just goes back to the same methods yet again. I attempt to recommend other strategies, but he appears to be stuck in a loop. Looking forward is great, but if you do not change the work around (that is NOT working) then what is the point? An example: my husband requires hearing aids since he had a tumor that...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Adhdam - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    That's me also. I shut down when it comes to hard discussions around our relationship. I just don't know how to respond without saying something that may be hurtful and even more detrimental.  I also think I shut down because I have to hear about  my mistakes or failures all over again. I'd rather look ahead and work on strategies to not do that again. We also agree that we both have to change to enable us to be more supportive 
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: AdeleS6845 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    It hurts when you feel like you're last on someone's list. I remember feeling as a child that everything else was more important to my Dad than me. His job, his horses...his other life. I can imagine how much it would hurt if it was my fiance  acting this way.  I can understand what the other poster said about them focusing on the successful part of their life. It still hurts the spouse and family who may feel unimportant.  For change to occur, trying harder doesn't work. He has to do something...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Thanks for the insight -- you are probably right! He does have a lot of success (and frustration) with his work and clients, but probably does feel as if he is more successful professionally than personally. Also, he tends just to shut down whenever we try to have a discussion about difficult things regarding our relationship. He just wants to move forward rather than look back. I try to explain that if one does not look back, one does not learn from the mistakes made -- this does not appear to resonate to...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Wow - I would have lost it with that situation as well - it sounds like a lot of instances that we have experienced too. As a result, I removed my husband from our joint savings account a few months ago, but made no mention of it to him; I feel quite certain he would be very angry and hurt, but as counselor told me, I now must protect myself and my future. I hope that somehow you may be able to do the same.
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    At least your wife has meds - my husband still refuses to believe he has ADD and believes he can manage all on his own. I am not certain what it will take after struggling for such a long time.
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Adhdam - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi, after reading your story I can see it must be very frustrating for you and your husband.  in regards to you seeing  his work and clients being more important to him than you, would it be possible that he has prioritized clients and work over family life due to him feeling that he is more successful in this part if his life than in his home life because he feels he is always getting into trouble?    I'm a husband with ADHD and at times I tend to focus more on my work than home life because I'm being...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: Adhdam - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Your Husband sounds like me. I am the husband with ADHD in my marriage and my child also has ADHD.  A little while ago my wife and I decided to hang a whiteboard in the kitchen to help plan out our week. It was more so for our child than myself. However I have found this extremely useful in helping myself remember what is going on each day during the week and weekends.  Everyone's name is on the whiteboard and what is happening for them for each day of the week.  Just thought I'd reply to you and offer an...
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

  • by: MATTHD - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    :)
    >>> on Forum topic - Hardest Decision

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